Sylvia's writing to freedom

Running back chat and inner conflict about pills and alcohol 18/04/2011

My friends G. & I. were visiting us. They are a Dutch couple that owns a second home here in the village. We take care of the house when it comes to official phone calls for gas, electricity and water. In summer we welcome their guests who stay in their house and afterwards I clean and wash the bedding and towels. They once said after taking us out for dinner that they wanted to strengthen the relationship by having also a social relationship with us. I wasn’t really searching for such a thing, but merely following the money. Not so much greed just pleasing my bosses so to speak. It’s a tiny bit of money we make on it and every summer the amount of guests differs.

Right away I had, while being in conversation and speaking to G., the lady of the couple, a vivid back chat going on. In a way I felt compromised by the money I decided to follow. So I didn’t really speak up and when I did I could clearly see that we were living in separate worlds. Every time we saw each other I felt quite shitty afterwards, did my self-forgiveness, but didn’t see how to combine the role as “friend” and “worker”. Both roles I had forced myself into through the need of money.

Within the last few conversations we had I saw their opinions change and also their view on the world, but still from a luxurious position. They started to see the fucked-upness around them. He’s out of work and probably already too old to get on the working force again, but still enjoying an unemployment benefit. The reaction of I. on his new situation and new view of the world is that of wanting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Only wanting to look at their own little world and living situation is what the new input does with them.

I started to be more in control while being with them, meaning not the few euros being my motivation to stand or not stand within conversation. Our last encounter was really challenging me. At a certain point G. told me that she had stopped drinking alcohol due to medication and according to her it hadn’t been a big deal. Which surprised me since they found always an occasion to drink a few glasses of wine. So my back chat didn’t believe her while my poker face was straight. Then she told me that she stopped her anti-depressants to get rid of the medication. As a teacher in a girls prison her students had asked her what was wrong. Even one had said: G. you can get medication for your condition you know. That was it, for her. When she came home she took a pill and decided not to stop with the anti-depressants when considering it again. The same day she started drinking alcohol again, because according to her, alcohol and pills would not harm her.

This triggered a whole shit load of back chat within me. Like opening the box of Pandora. How can she think that pills and alcohol will not harm her. Look how dishonest she is, I’ve seen her like this before. She thinks that she’s fucking on top of her life, but look what a fuck up. She lost a breast due to breast cancer, had plastic surgery to recreate a new breast. How can she not respect her own body. And then my inner struggle started. I wanted to speak to her about the risks of what she was doing and had been doing, yet I saw no possibility to talk about this to someone who thinks she’s God herself. Sacred. I wanted to speak yet I felt physically incapable to speak. In the end I didn’t say anything and left myself with a horrible feeling of having failed. She seemed doing more than okay and on top of the world and in a way I was blaming her for my shitty feelings.

So what is it that I want to save such a person that obvious is not seeing the need for being saved. I feel like shit, because I clearly know more about alcohol, or probably we both know the same only she doesn’t take it as a warning and doesn’t take her responsibility. Her breast cancer says already enough about how less she cares about herself. Can one save such a being? Is it worth to allow myself for having these kind of nasty back chat and reep the fruits from it? I should simply stick to common sense without feelings/emotions/fears when I speak to her and reflect back to her what she is saying or simply stop these kind of conversations. Nothing can justify back chat and nothing is worth it. When I compromise myself I’m doing the same as her, the same thing I want to save her from. Maybe it’s time to focus on me, instead of deluding myself within savior perils.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fake relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised by the money, while it was me who decided to step into this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty about forcing myself into the role of friend and worker at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money make my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at their financial status while I. was unemployed just like my partner P. while I. was receiving welfare and we none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge I. for wanting to separate himself from the world, instead of seeing that we are in this situation due to separating ourselves from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge G. for disregarding her body and compromising herself, while I see that also within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous in a way at them for being quite ignorant and enjoying life while having a second home, just traveled to Hong Kong, visiting Italy every month etcetera, while I do not accept ignorance anymore and see the fucked-upness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than G. due to understanding what pills and alcohol do to one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having failed in saving her from disinformation or believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame G. for the shitty feelings I had cerated and accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save someone else while I’ll have to focus first on  myself and save myself first in order to reach out to others who want to be assisted and supported.

Advertisements
 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s