Sylvia's writing to freedom

I-witness of a murder 04/05/2011

Driving my daughter A. home from scooter theory lessons I almost got pushed off the road by a big truck. Within this split second of keeping my car on the road, I saw something orange and white tumbling on the road. A. started crying and then I understood that it was a cat. The truck tried to get around the cat on this country side road, came to my lane and almost bumped into my car. A. cried and said: ” did you see that mom?”

Yes, even in a split second I saw that this cat was horribly wounded. In the same split second I had all kind of options going through my mind. We need to stop and turn. We need to pick up the cat and find his owner. No, it will take too much time to find his owner. We need to take him back to town and see the vet. The vet is only a few moments in the week open for people to bring in their animals. What if we are there with an almost dying cat and the vet isn’t there. What a fuck up it’s all useless and I’m almost running out of gas so not much liberty to travel freely.

I decided to drive home and not interfere in this event, since no outcome seemed to be in the best interest of all. A. was still crying softly, she also wanted to do something for the cat. She experienced it as not being fair and she hated the image that was now burnt on her retina. I asked her if she thought that crying would help the cat in that moment and she understood it wasn’t. I asked her if she wanted to turn and get the cat. No, she didn’t because in the split second that I had done my equations also she had done hers. I didn’t want her to suppress her emotions and feelings so I let her be and let her cry a bit.

After a while we talked again, but A. didn’t allow me to talk about the accident. When I look back on the on the whole event the polarities were all over the place. The polarity of good and bad made it difficult for me to see what to decide what to do. The same polarity made A. cry. The polarity of crying or suppressing, fair and unfair. It shows so much that our society and we as humans are steeped in polarity. These polarities who generate thoughts within our minds and attach feelings/emotions to it, are showing us the real enslavement. Once we’re hooked on these feelings/emotions they generate energy which is the real drug. It’s a pattern that has a spell that only can be broken through pure self-will. No rehab drug clinic can help us through this polarity enslavement.

A. didn’t want to talk about the accident anymore that day, until the next morning. At breakfast she suddenly said that she had experienced something really awful yesterday, but she wasn’t going to talk about it. Since my partner P. and son J. didn’t yet knew about it they asked what A. her announcement was all about. A. left the room saying that she didn’t want to talk about it. So when she left the others asked me what had happend. I told them the story and when A. came back into the room she asked if I had told the others about the accident. This seemed somewhat ought to me. She said she didn’t want to think about it anymore, but the image was still in her mind.

I slowly saw what had happend, the event was steeped in polarities and she had taken the fair and unfair part with it’s emotions/feelings and turned it into a pattern. By repeating the event/experience even indirectly through me, she already had this addiction to the polarity and the energy generated by the emotions/feelings. So polarity enslavement of the mind, which popped up a few other times today. I know A. loves all animals, but in this case her mind had picked the right subject to get her hooked on the energy. Something to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Instead of seeing that whatever end of the polarity I had chosen it would always keep me within the polarity and it would lead me nowhere. Helping the cat within my limits would not bring any result in the best interest of all and leaving the cat to die would neither be in the best interest of all.

Today we after driving along the spot A. saw blood on the road, but the cat was gone. She figured the cat was rescued by it’s owners. That would be a nice ending of the story and it would set us free from any form of guilt. I know better of course, guilt is something only I can set me free of and not a nice ending of a story that brings me again in another polarity. It’s like my world is booby trapped with polarities, avoiding one can result in stepping on the next one.


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