Sylvia's writing to freedom

I honestly hate that smell and I self-honestly need to direct myself 10/05/2011

Just beside the fence at the entrance of my garden grows a Viburnum Laurustinus bush. In winter it bears fruit, like little deep red berries, in May it starts to blossom with little white flowers. When this bush is in bloom it produces an unpleasant foul scent and at this time of the year the wind blows happily around the house and brings this scent everywhere in the air. To me this intense foul scent smells like kitten diarea. Whenever I pass the bush or the wind is blowing my way I hold my breath.

The first year, while living in this house, I couldn’t figure out where the foul smell came from. Till I found out by opening and closing the fence that it was the bush. The smell was so intense that it made me feel sick and the more attention I gave it the more dirty it smelled. My kids and partner did also smell it, but to them it wasn’t a deterrent foul smell and they didn’t pay much attention to it. I was simply convinced that this was the most dirty foul smell I had ever smelled in my whole life. Last year the bush didn’t have a really strong scent, so I thought I was doing okay and figured I wasn’t giving it as much attention as the year before. This year, however the bush produces a strong scent again and my strong reaction is totally back.

The fact that I honestly admitted that I felt disgusted by the foul smell, was me being honest about a possessive feeling that was going on inside my mind. I payed attention to this feeling and kept it this way alive within my mind. So I did not lie, I was telling the truth that was inside my mind. I didn’t realise that being honest about this feeling towards myself and my surrounding, was not only giving attention to the feeling, I was also participating within a polarity of honesty and dishonesty. Which practically meant that I was honest about my feeling and at the same time dishonest about why I wanted to give attention to this feeling by not looking for the starting point in self-honesty within myself.

When I’m self-honest I can see that I’m giving attention to a feeling of being disgusted by a scent. The disgust originates from a memory I got after repeatedly cleaning kitten diarea, which I labeled and stored as a foul smell within my mind. So what basically happens is, whenever I smell the bush my mind says foul smell as the feeling that’s attached to the memory of the kitten diarea. Since it’s a polarity I’m looping within this thought structure and I’m generating only energy with it. The only reason I keep on doing this useless and unnecessary ritual is because I’m hooked on the energy.

It’s simply being a junk, happy with its drugs to get to fantasy mindfuck land and for that short period of time not having to take responsibility. A distraction of what is here and not being my own directive principle. At first it looked so innocent, but after 3 spring times I couldn’t say anymore, it’s the smell that disgusts me, instead of seeing that I was disgusting myself by not taking my responsibility and not being my own directive principle.

The next question to ask is, when honesty and dishonesty are a polarity, what does that make self-honesty? Is self-honesty the polarity of self-dishonesty? No it isn’t, self-dishonesty is honesty. It’s the honesty according to the system we live in. The honesty of which people say they cannot practice it all the way within the system, you can’t always be honest they say. Indeed, you can’t always be honest in expressing all your thoughts/emotions/feelings, that’s in itself already being dishonest. Dishonest from the starting point of fueling thoughts/emotions/feelings and accumulating energy.

Therefore self-honesty isn’t debatable, it’s what’s best for all found in the depths of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of honest and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility and give attention to mind realities such as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust myself for not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a smell is disgusting and foul.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of giving attention to a feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern giving attention to a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat myself in order to generate more energy.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of generating energy. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as a thought that’s fueling the polarisation of honest and dishonest and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

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