Sylvia's writing to freedom

Tunnel vision 06/06/2011

Shopping has got a whole other dimension since I live in a small village far away from cities with a variety of shops and big shopping centres. Lack of money has put me with two feet on the ground and put consumerism in another perspective. Not that I ever was a shop-o-holic, but when shops are at hand, it’s convenient and I tend to purchase faster. By living in the countryside my shopping behaviour while living off the grid and with that my need for going to different shops, has subsided over time. When we really need something, mostly practical stuff, we google which city is best to go to or we order online. However there is one shop which makes my heart beat faster, it’s the fabric store. As a dressmaker it’s almost paradise to me. I mostly go there for or with clients to assist purchasing their fabric and buy on sale for myself. When I see this variety of fabrics my thoughts create all kind of outfits.

This time I needed a piece of fabric with a difficult greyish color for a client and fabric for a new tracksuit for my son J. Together with my son J., we went by car to the town where the fabric store is situated. We had a lot of fun, just the 2 of us, going shopping on a Saturday afternoon. To get to this city we have to take 2 tunnels, a long one and a shorter one. I’ve never liked driving through these kind of tunnels. Driving in general was an exhausting experience for me. Till a year ago I allowed too much visual input, which resulted in headaches and severe tiredness after as few as 40 minutes of driving. I literally saw all, from my left eye corner to my right eye corner. All leaves from trees and grasses in detail, houses in detail, traffic going by etcetera. I saw it all at the same time while driving with an average speed of 100 km per hour on the highway. It was too much, overwhelming and therefore I refused to drive long distances for long periods. This overload of visual impulses I managed to reduce to normal levels of input through the Desteni I process tools. By slowing myself down, since my mind was doing overtime, and staying in the here and now. Staying in the physical instead of wandering around in my mind and concentrating on my breath, I was able to put things again in perspective.

The tunnel took a bit longer before I recognized what I was allowing it to do with me. Whenever my partner P. drove I closed my eyes while driving through the tunnel. A sudden tiredness would come over me and an irresistible urge to close my eyes followed by  sleep that took me over. At a certain moment I forced myself to keep my eyes open and investigate what was making me feel this sleepy. I noticed that it had to do with the yellowish lights in the tunnel that repeated itself every 100 meters. The lighted area’s and the dark ones alternated in a specific rhythm. This formed a visual picture of half circles that seemed to come towards me, go over me and followed by the next circle to pass by. It gave me this hypnotic state and heavy eyelids. I disliked tunnels, because I disliked this hypnotic state and even more while driving. I feared to lose control and fall into this hypnotic sleep while driving. So I was fighting to keep my eyes open, but in reality I was fighting myself to not lose control over myself. I blamed, like a little child the tunnel for these hypnotic circles, while it was my mind that perceived it this way and I allowed and accepted my mind to do so. Therefore I stopped and looked at it again and saw that it was simply the shift between light and dark that gave the impression of circles coming towards me. Staying in the physical, seeing the lights for what they were and slowing myself down, made me see that I had given super powers to the tunnel, while it was me making this all up and fearing it.

So J.and I drove through the long tunnel and it reminded me of my struggle with keeping awake in the tunnel. I told J. that those rings or half circles were something I was afraid of before and that I blamed the tunnel for it’s super hypnotic powers over me. J. laughed, he thought it was funny. I laughed too, because it was funny and the best practical way to deal with it. Just having a good laugh about it. Then J. said, what do you mean with rings? I said, well these black rings that are coming towards us. I saw him staring through the front window of the car and he said, I don’t see it. I was amazed and even a bit irritated. I thought he was joking around with me, so I explained it in other words and more precise and then he said, oh now I see it. Now he was amazed, because he hadn’t been aware of these rings at all. He laughed again. I thought fuck! Now whenever he goes into this tunnel he’ll see it through my mind-fuck. If I hadn’t pushed him to see what I had seen he would still be pure and simply see a tunnel. Why did I pushed him instead of telling him the story, there was no need for me to let him experience my story for himself. I wanted to share myself with my son, but sharing wasn’t enough I had to drag him into my fucked-upness, just to make my egoistical point.

I would say we’re all contaminated with a tunnel vision, the way we see things we want others to see it , no matter what. Since we all have the truth on our side. We know it’s delusional, but we rather blame the others for being delusional than admitting it’s us who want to be right all the time. In a way we never transcended childhood, but unlearned how to be a child. To just see things for what they are, without the burden of memories and fears. We can get there once again by redefining our world for what it is, without opinions and beliefs from the grown up world. It’s a hell of a process, but I’ve taken it on and I will not stop till all are equal and seeing the physical for what it is. Simplicity.

Join me at the Desteni I Process.

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