My partner P. checked the weather forecast and today will be the hottest day in a row of heat waves. The forecast is 38 degrees Celsius ( 100.4 F ) in the shade. Together we decided to head for the river, a half hour drive from our home. For about a week we are having heat waves now. The last couple of days the heat is causing problems for our computers. Cooling down with ice packs does help a bit, but not on an old laptop which has to perform at editing videos. So I’ve mostly been working early in the morning and late at night. The house has no airco, therefore the only way to deal with it is escaping the house at the hottest moment of the day.
When we arrived at the road above the river, there were yet no cars parked, only 2 scooters. P. and I reacted with: “GREAT !”, on which our son J. said: “why is it always so great when there are not too many people?” Good question and good observation. P. and I are both not attracted to the big masses. Enjoying ones day at the beach or river like sardines packed in a tin, isn’t our idea of outdoor fun. That’s exactly why we didn’t decide to go to the beach today, but instead going to the river.
What is running in the background for me is the way I perceive this spot at the river. To me it’s kind of a secret spot that not too many people know and I see it as an idyllic place. So when the rocks along the river are packed with people, the picture of my physical reality contradicts my mind definition of the place. This gives friction and feelings of something isn’t okay, while it’s bullshit and common sense that at hot days also the river is packed with people. So my experience of myself here depends on pictures and definitions and isn’t one of stability yet. This way of thinking is even a mind fuck to the extent that it’s limiting myself to really fully enjoy myself in the cold waterfalls, rock basins and the water slides. There is this little track where one can go along with the stream over the rocks like the water slides in water parks.
Funny how I do not describe the water slide in the first person here. I never took the slide so I do not speak from a point of experience. P. and the kids love the slide. My excuses are: the water is too cold, I’m not really the swimming type and the stream goes too fast. Within the sentence “I’m not really the swimming type” I see that I still live within personality, because if I’m not a swimmer what am I instead? Someone who likes to sit at the sea or river side, thinking that she actually enjoys being there. But in fact when I look in self-honesty inside myself, I see that this definition of myself is the same time a limitation of myself. Therefore not really a moment of enjoyment and not at all as being in nature, with nature and as nature.
The fast streams give me this sense of fear, the fear of losing control, going too fast and not being able to get out of the situation. On the other hand I never took this water ride so all of this is in fact mind babble and not tested within the physical reality. While I’m writing this on paper I’m at the river. I’ll see if I will allow myself to be directed by this fear over the day.
Since temperatures are rising to 41 degrees Celsius ( 105.8 F ) in the shade, I decided to give it a shot and go into the ice cold water. The kids took me to a nice rock basin, but I first noticed a resistance already by leaving our spot and walking through the people masses to the basin. I didn’t feel confident enough to walk around in my bikini through the masses of people. My son J. said to my daughter A., mom has difficulties with showing her body in public. Yes, that was the nail on the head. But I kept breathing fully aware of what my mind was pulling off and staying in the physical. Seeing that everybody was bothering it’s own business, made me realize that I wasn’t that much in the spot lights as I imagined myself to be. Making a big deal out of walking in my bikini would merely be a mind fuck.
So off we went to the little rock basin. I took some time to let my body get used to the cold water and then we jumped in. The kids said that it was best to first take a dive in the basin and get used to the water temperature before taking the water slide track. Also here I noticed resistance towards jumping into deep parts of water, I prefer some steady ground underneath my feet. Again a point of control. Then we went off to the water slide and indeed it was fun and it was not that difficult to stop myself before going down on the next waterfall. Strange enough I expected resistances at this point of taking the slide, but there weren’t any. During the day we took several times the water slide to keep ourselves refreshed.
So the physical reality told me exactly what it was to pay attention to and the mind babble only intensified the fears within me. Therefore no more fears before trying things out in the physical reality. Which should mean a life full of dares ahead in common sense and fastening my seat bells.
The reason why I started writing this story is the fact that I’m seeing this place as an idyllic, totally natural outing of nature. While this perception is based in pictures. By taking this spot as total natural with clear, pure mountain water, I was merely following the picture in my mind. Last year we found out that this river, more down stream, had been polluted with the dumping of toxic waste. No one could see a difference by looking at the water, only when people spotted lots of death fish and alarmed the right agencies who tested the water they found out what was going on. Therefore we have to question ourselves if we perceive reality through mind processes such as pictures or if we are in the physical and seeing what is really here.
Most people live within their pictures and definitions, which makes us incapable of looking beyond the so called beautiful picture. We even do not like it when others tell us how fucked-up reality really is. It simply contradicts our make belief experience of reality. I’m within a process of seeing more and more what is really here. The picture presentation I presented myself till today was still a point where I was holding onto a make belief world.
Time to get real, which doesn’t mean to fear the world or not trusting it. Simply following the money to see where certain pictures of the mind are in discrepancy with reality. As long as we keep ourselves within a make belief world, nothing will change due to our inactive behavior. The world though does change, because while we are enjoying our make belief movie, things are turning really ugly. Denying it, will not make it go away. It won’t go away.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that its better to spend a day at the river with not too many people there.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel special and therefore wanting a special place almost alone for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated by the fact that more people go to the river and spoil my picture and idea about a secret place all alone for me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by wanting to be alone at the river, not understanding that there is no me and them within the physical.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being packed like sardines is something bad to such an extent that I want to separate myself from it. While not seeing that this equals separating me from myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a definition of specialness to the spot along the river and in doing so making me special for being there.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel friction when my mind pictures do mot match reality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself by pictures and personality instead of being stable here in every breath.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through building a false reality based on pictures.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself here in every breath at the river side due to pictures and limitations of the mind. While understanding that it takes only 1 breath to direct myself and see what is here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being the swimming type.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within personality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control based on ideas and no real time experiences.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with no real time experiences.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about my body image when walking through masses of people in a bikini.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the centre of the world and imagining all people looking and staring at me when I pass by.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will be shocked by seeing my almost naked body while I’m not considering the fact that people look at my bald head.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear jumping into a deep water basin and losing control.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lose control when jumping in a water basin where I cannot get my feet on the ground.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the water slide based on mind projections.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my mind pictures than reality, in an attempt to live in a world that has still beautiful places and is exactly that what I see through my mind.
When and as I see myself participating within a point of experiencing myself and my world through mind pictures and beliefs. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by doing so I separate myself from reality and myself. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the fear to live within the physical reality -and participate equally.