Sylvia's writing to freedom

Headache 14/08/2011

After lunch my partner P. and I  went for a nice walk in the snow, we watched how our children were sledding from the hill and went for a short visit at Dutch friends of us who have a holiday home here in the village. When we got home I felt that I had a severe headache, like 2 painful circles around my eyes. Over the past months I’ve been experiencing quite some physical pain and physical discomfort, but a headache till so far wasn’t one of them.

The visit at I.&G. could be the cause of it. We were amongst other subjects talking about the education system. They both are teachers, I. is already many years out of the education system and G. is a teacher at a girls prison. I told them about our experiences with the teachers here in Italy and about the recent parent interviews. I felt how I went into this energy charge and how I was still holding on to anger towards the education system and the attitude of most teachers towards students. The 4 of us agreed upon the fact that the education system is a fuck up. So I said, doesn’t have everybody the right on qualitative high education? Than I. started to explain how difficult that is to achieve, but he only saw it from the perspective of our current world. I’d liked to discuss how the Equal Money System would end this disfunction of the system. From previous conversations I know that they are not ready to see/experience the world in common sense and where their responsibility lies. It’s a pity having to stop the conversation there, at the point on which we all agreed that the current education system is dysfunctional. Just one step further is seeing that the system wherein the education system functions is also dysfunctional and needs an entire make over. Than I. stated that he’s glad that he hasn’t got children in the ages of 10-14 anymore, he thinks he probably can’t cope with the fact that the system is so fucked up and that his kids were forced to function within it. In fact he was saying that he was glad to not be within that system anymore and no longer being frustrated and angry at it anymore. That’s separation and simply stating that whenever he doesn’t experience it, it isn’t there anymore or it just disappears. It won’t go away and the system in general is our creation, looking away one still allows and accepts it. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t. I did not know if he would understand my reaction or comment…

Then they told us about their new wine business, importing Italian wine and salami’s into Holland. Just before that P. told them that he had completely stopped with alcohol, but of course they couldn’t relate to it. Last Monday they gave P. a bottle of wine to thank him for pulling their car out of the snow on mount “Nerone”.  In that moment P. hadn’t told them yet that he didn’t drink alcohol anymore so they were a bit insecure about their gift now they found out.

We’ve always many points on which I would like to confront them with their own statements and tell them that it doesn’t all have to end with a feeling of being powerless or the urge to just not see/watch what’s going on in the world. We can stop this misery that we call life. But what is the use to act upon an urge to want to talk about Desteni related subjects with people whenever they aren’t ready for it at all. Being a living example would make already the difference and explaining how I see things when they ask me about it. Maybe I need to be less harsh on myself and not feel disappointed for not addressing these points as I would like them to address. I saw it as not standing up, but isn’t it just common sense to know where to push things within a conversation and where to leave the point for the moment and only show to the other how I approach certain things in life?

I muscle tested if the headache was a point of being too harsh on myself and I tested out for yes. I was sure that it was about not standing so that’s one illusional opinion less.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this anger towards the education system wherein my kids have to function.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the teachers at my children’s school for being prejudiced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the fact that teachers on my children’s school are not willing to see the students as individuals, but instead seeing them as students with predetermined qualities.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the fact that I. suggested to bribe the teachers in order to let my children pass.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react on the bribing idea with a feeling of that’s wrong, that’s not how the world should work.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be too harsh on myself to stand up within the conversation with I. & G.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the opinion of not standing up when a conversation doesn’t go as I would like it to go.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed for not addressing all points I see within others.

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