Sylvia's writing to freedom

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

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