Sylvia's writing to freedom

Not wanting to look into the face of fear of survival. 18/12/2011

A few days ago while doing groceries, my partner P. and I ended up at the fishmonger. It’s a shop run by a couple, who are always cheerful and ready to give you assistance and service. This week a new lady started working with the wife of the owners couple. The lady didn’t look like she took great care of herself. She was in her forties, had long greasy hair and a face full of pimples. And we were the happy clients that were going to be served by her.

She acted nervous, which isn’t an uncommon thing when you just start a new job. We pointed at a certain fish and asked for 2 of those fishes, already stating that the fish were quite big. The new lady weighed the fish and made the bill. I was a bit puzzled since she asked 20 euro. We both said that’s too much money, that’s not what our budget can handle. So we picked another pair of fishes less expensive and less big. The new lady was not really amused with our behavior, since she already had made the bill, therefore the pay desk had to be reset in order to switch to the new price. She stepped back after one try and called the owner to fix the problem for her. The newly picked fishes were weighed and we paid a reasonable amount of money in relation to our budget.

When we left the shop we wondered what had went differently and how this confusing could have happend. We came to the conclusion that the owners always before making up the bill, ask whether we agree with the weight and amount of fish. In that moment we usually change it into more or bigger fish or smaller fish. No big deal, it’s just in the game of buying. So we missed one step wherein we as a client were able to accept and allow the deal that was about to be made. Now we were confronted with a price that we didn’t want to pay.

Then I looked further and deeper inside myself, because the new lady had left an impression on me that I interpret as not comfortable to look at. I felt some what disgusted with her, not blaming and judging her for her actions in the physical reality so much, but more blaming her for her overall presence. I realized when slowing myself down after rewinding the whole event that I didn’t like to look her in the face. Why? What had the lady done that I was disgusted by looking her in the face? What reaction was triggered inside of me?

It was the heaviness of how she looked, the total separation when she failed resetting the pay desk, where her eyes almost rolled back as if she jumped into her mind. And then I knew what she triggered in me, I was looking in the face of fear of survival.This lady didn’t want to be there and dealing with “difficult” clients, this lady was there to earn money in order to survive. Lets be realistic, no one’s career desires are serving people in a fishmonger. Although I’ve been in a position of doing work to survive and still are in the position of doing shitty jobs in order to survive, I hated to look into the face of the very same thing that also I fear.

I always make sure that I look cheerful while doing my job, since it’s my doing why I ended up having to do shitty jobs, another person has nothing to do with my unresolved shit. So I rather not show feelings of not being satisfied with my job, while this lady on the contrary wasn’t capable of doing so. There is no wrong or right in showing your feelings or not, it is about being self-honest towards yourself and making the situation into the best interest of all. So when I look at myself it’s obvious that suppressing these feelings of disliking my job as a cleaning slave for someone else, isn’t in the best interest of all. It’s best to deal with these feelings of discomfort and then for the time being accepting  and allowing the job as it is, which gives me the opportunity to look for other job options that are less abusive. Therefore throwing ones disgust for the job on ones employer or clients and not taking responsibility for it is not a self-responsible thing to do, simply dealing with it without suppressing the feelings is moving forward.

There are things though that I no longer will accept and allow from my employer, like cleaning a clean Persian carpet on my knees with a small brush. My employer has this desire for cleanness that’s on the edge of hosophobia. She calls me to clean the house because it’s so dirty, we clearly do not have the same definition of clean and dirty. If I stood in her shoes within her house, I would have said, it’s still clean I do not need to clean the house now, lets spend some time with the kids. But I need the money and my relation with her is not one of equality, a slave and a master are never equal. So saying to her that her house isn’t in need of a cleaning, isn’t something I can say within our relationship, if I want to keep the job.

So the bottom line here is that I do not want to see in others what I experience within myself as negative. Therefore the first reaction in me is separation from what I’m dealing with and only focussing on the other. Lucky enough I’m doing the Desteni I Process which enables me to look behind that first reaction and not getting distracted with my outer world while the problem for me is within my inner world. Isn’t that what we, humanity, tend to do? Finger pointing at others when they make us feel uneasy? We better stop if we really want to evolute and starting to understand ourselves. Our reactions are always about us, they won’t go away if we separate ourselves from it while blaming others. I intend to take responsibility for my own reactions, to clean out the shit inside of me, how about you?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for her uncared appearance, while it’s simply pointing out the fear I have inside of me to become a person that will neglect herself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting myself out of separation of my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the needs of my physical body while I’m allowing the mind to occupying my existence.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the very things that I dislike inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady at the fishmonger for being nervous and making me feel uneasy, while it’s me that decides to act on the reaction I have towards a nervous person an define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the nervous behaviour of the lady at the fishmonger with the fact that it’s normal to be nervous at a new job, while I’m being agitated over it and start back chats about her unfriendly approach.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to measure myself with other standards than the lady at the fishmongers, it’s okay for me to be nervous, yet it isn’t okay for her since she makes me feel uneasy. Not seeing that there cannot be 2 standards of measurements over the same feeling when I’m equal to all there is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the lady at the fishmongers for working in a different way than her boss does. While in fact it’s my fear of change and not being here within the physical that makes it difficult to adjust my actions within my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with the lady of the fishmonger, while in fact I was disgusted with myself for having to do slave work that I dislike in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of survival as it is this signal that entails that I fucked up in life and not being able to fit into the system money wise.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’ll never will arrise above shitty jobs and never will see a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the mirror that my fellow human is to me and instead dislike my fellow human for the negativity that they reflect onto me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those beings that express the things that I have defined as negative within myself.

I am one and equal to all that is life and I will stop and breathe whenever I see myself hiding in separation afraid of others who are pointing out how afraid I am of myself. I will no longer deny myself, separate myself nor sabotage my physical body. I will take life, as life, here in every moment and every breath, in the best interest of all. I will direct myself to become my own improved version to change myself inside and outside. A responsible world citizen that takes care of herself and others.

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