Sylvia's writing to freedom

Knowing when to end a dream within my reality 14/01/2012

I had a dream and many more, though I decided at a certain point in my life to manifest this one particular dream I had which would set me free from all that I experienced as limiting and which kept me bound to the system that I despised. It was like a wish, a desire that turned into a ticking time bomb inside of me, while I wasn’t aware of the ticking and not at all aware of the bomb that was the cause of the ticking. So I lived the dream and I walked the dream in order to escape reality and I found out that there isn’t something like escaping your physical reality if you do not want to end up dead. My physical reality can’t be ignored as hard as I tried, since my physical body is the only vehicle I have at my disposal to manifest and experience anything here on this earth.

To make this dream I’m speaking of more tangible I have to go back in time to see where the building blocks for this dream were formed and what emotions/feelings these building blocks consisted of. The dream I’m speaking of was escaping Holland to settle down in Italy and start all over, far away from the evil outside world. One of the building blocks was the urge for a “spacious” house, another was no longer dealing with compulsory education in regards to my kids, wanting to be self sufficient on a level of food and basic living, enjoying the fresh mountain air and escaping the petty Dutch state of mind.

I always longed for a “spacious” house and when I started opening up this point I had no idea where that urge ever started. It was simply there all my adult life, I didn’t question it, I simply followed it like a manual of how to live my life. Since ignorance isn’t bliss I had to dig deeper and find out more. When looking at my life I saw a life where I had been moving around the Netherlands  with my parents a lot. Always when my dad was able to get a better job we got a better house, that was the first imprint from childhood. Then we ended up living in a trailer for over a year with my parents, waiting for a house to be built. Living on such a small space with 4 people was doable, but not really enjoyable. As I’ve been suppressing most of my emotions/feelings throughout my life, always for the sake of something, I only have happy memories of this period. Though when I speak of this period I speak of all the inconvenient things that were inextricably connected to my life in the trailer and I was not really in peace with myself through suppressing all the negative. When we finally did live in the new “spacious” home it felt like a real relief, a feeling of “now I’m able to truly live”. So all that was negative turned now into positive and therefore a “spacious” house was the equivalent to freeing myself from the negative. These two imprints of “moving is improving” and a “spacious” house is “freedom”, which I allowed to  make me believe that moving into a bigger house would solve all that I was facing inside myself as negative was ignition for my ticking time bomb. Not realizing that I didn’t experience yet  this negative inside myself as something of myself, I experienced it as the evil outside world that was coming for me.

This meant that I made the effort to emigrate to Italy to find a “spacious” house and set me free of the negativity I experienced in my world as not being of me. I completely separated myself from my physical reality in order to not face this world as me. Once in Italy I fully experienced all the shit I had been resisting/ denying/suppressing, when I started my process and especially when I started my DesteniIProcess I knew that there is but only one solution; facing myself or going down with my dream. Only now, after almost 6 years in Italy, this point is opening up and getting clear to me.

Compulsory education is the foundation of the dutch education system, therefore homeschooling is not allowed by law. Back then I saw it as unfair, especially unfair towards me as a personal attack of the system which made me decide that I was going to fuck the system and let it know that I could fight it. How wrong could I be. Looking back at it now, I can see that I am the system and that I therefore was fucking myself big time. I was fighting myself and the system hit back with a judge and a fine. I was totally disillusioned and couldn’t see that it was simply cause and effect. I broke the rules of the system by homeschooling my kids for a year while the Dutch law forbade such a thing, so I was breaking the law and had to answer the system in the form of a judge and I was corrected by the system to follow it’s path again and paid my fine.

While taking this step of emigration I found out that also Italy had a compulsory education system and that only kids that lived too far away from the civilized world were allowed to be home schooled. Which made us look for remote areas where we could buy a ruin to restructure. On the brink of my emigration and wanting to escape the compulsory education system I knew there was a big chance that the kids had to go to school, which did already deteriorate my dream, but I didn’t want to face it. Instead I considered school all of a sudden as a good thing to establish the Italian language for the kids. Not that there was no common sense in this perspective, but it was the opposite of what I had believed in. What made me experience again only the positive and suppress the actual negative.

My partner P. and I have been talking a lot about being self sufficient and seeing it as the ultimate form of freedom. We considered collecting rainwater for the toilets/shower/washing machine and a cane field and anti bacterial Philips lamp to clean our own water to re-use it for consumption. We were investigating many ways of growing our own vegetable garden and building a house with straw and other ecological products. We searched for a place far away from any village to experience life as I thought it should be. There was one tiny little problem I didn’t oversee, I’m part of a whole and I was planning on separating myself from that whole. I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own not realizing that I was allowing a polarity to play out at my own expense. I felt like I could handle the whole world and take a stance like, me against the world, surviving life on my own force, while in reality I was the opposite. I feared life, I was running away from life and therefore I was running away from myself, separating myself from myself and not willing to face myself. So the ideas I had about living self-sufficient were not bad or evil in itself, it was my starting point for wanting this dream to come true that turned life/me against myself. Where it were first thoughts and ideas, later I walked them in reality and experienced life as being against me while my starting point was one of self-sabotage.

I liked the idea of enjoying the fresh mountain air and made it into a highly prominent motive to do this emigration into the Italian mountains. We lived around Amsterdam where the air was polluted and my kids and partner experienced astma-like symptoms of it. My reference points for thinking that mountain air would be better than the air we were breathing at that time were nice travel pictures of mountains throughout my life, hiking in areas in the mountains where no one lived and my partner P. his stories about his Italian youth and the nice air in Italy. Looking at these reference points I have to come to the conclusion in common sense that I’ve manipulated my reality into fitting into my dream/ideas. If someone would suggest me to buy a certain product, because of pictures and stories of others, I would not even consider buying into it. In my own case I sold myself Italy because of it’s fresh mountain air based on pictures and hearsay and I didn’t ask myself questions. Which shows me my true nature and who’s my possible worse enemy.

Escaping the petty Dutch state of mind is the same as escaping myself and that’s what I did. I changed the Dutch pettiness for the Italian pettiness and kicked it till it was sore. All along I was the one who was sore, I was out of options to let myself know what I was busy doing to myself. And when that wasn’t enough I started to develop physical problems, the last option of my body to ask me to please take self-responsibility. I looped within my physical problems for 3 years till this winter, it became clear to me how I’ve been abusing myself throughout my life and that I have to put this to a stop. I developed shingles, food intolerances, a dust allergy, candida albican and hives. It felt like my body was falling apart, my entire life I’ve been healthy and now the opposite occurred. It’s my physical explaining to me how I kept positivity in place and how I wasn’t willing to see the negative that was there at the same time within me ready to be dealt with. Positive can’t exist without the negative so it was inevitable that this would happen.

So I cried which I hadn’t done in a long time and let a lot of the negativity out, to see who I am and who I had become while not denying half of myself. Within this process of letting go and processing I found out that I had pushed away a feeling of not being happy where I am now in life. Knowing that happiness as we experience it now isn’t a stable factor to rely on, it’s an energy and therefore the opposite outflow of being happy. And yes my whole 6 year stay here in Italy I convinced myself of being happy with my new situation while suppressing the fact that I felt displaced and not belonging anywhere. Searching for this self-worth outside of myself, that I was convinced of finding there. I believed that self-worth had to be brought to me through the fact of who I was for others. Instead of having this stability and self-worth inside myself. Though the others were not seeing me as someone that belonged there, they saw me as displaced and reflected my own belief back to myself which gave me this horrible feeling inside of being eaten away from the inside. And that’s what it was I was slowly letting myself die/decompose letting all life slip away. So I STOPPED and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, till here and NO FURTHER. There was no escaping possible I had to continue facing myself and redefine my situation in common sense in the best interest of all.

I looked at my own created situation together with my partner P., knowing how our dream had looked liked back then 6 years ago. We had not been able to buy a house due to financial misfortunes already starting in Holland when selling our house. We had a stable job when we came here and within 2 years we lost the job due to the starting worldwide crisis and incompatibility with the Italian traditional way of doing business. We lost about 4 times jobs and tried all kind of little jobs on the side line facing every time the unwillingness of the Italians to use opportunities and to work with us. We’ve gone through winters of hardly having money to buy food let alone other stuff. Right now we lost again our jobs within an impossible labor market while trying to live out our Italian dream. My body is sick and so are the bodies of my family and there isn’t enough money to go and see all kind of doctors.The air we breathe is highly polluted by wood stoves and gives me asthmatic problems, schools are even worse then in Holland, food isn’t of a great quality, the costs of life are the same as in Holland only the salaries are way lower. So what the fuck are we doing here chasing a mindfuck?

I have to face myself as the only and ultimate solution and I’ve been busy doing so, yet 43 years of shit are not easily worked through. Step by step I understand who I am with my ugly sides included, though my physical reality asks for an immediate solution since having no job here in Italy,  means for us no money. And what is common sense? Staying there where you ran out of options without a big network in a country where one only get a job when one has connections and where others grant you with a job due to who you are and not what you are able to do? So we came to the conclusion that the best thing for us to do now is remigration to Holland and pick up the network that we left 6 years ago to which we kept more or less in touch with.

After the first investigations within the possibilities of remigration I found out that my remigration to Holland as a Dutch person means the same as emigrating to what ever country. First a job and a house then re-migration, welfare isn’t an option since they do not provide re-migrants with welfare. Holland is not welcoming their expats and re-migrants, it’s simply, once you leave your spot will be taken. When one Googles remigration the first searches are about non Dutch people who want to go back to their birth country, they can get compensation for their trip home and keep a monthly income from the Dutch State. I was astonished to hear and read about the unfriendly treatment of the Dutch State on several blogs from re-migrants, the same story over and over again. Though when we left Holland I remember that the official agencies were quite blunt and made it clear that they weren’t going to put much effort in my questions since I left. Also businesses are not welcoming people with foreign experience, they see them as a threat. Instead of seeing someone with a foreign experience and the ability to adapt they fear people like us.

So deciding to go back will not be easy when it comes to the practical procedure of it and it certainly won’t be a dream or a warm welcome. We will settle for a job and a warm home, instead of a living room at 14 degrees Celsius with the wood stove on. Sleeping in a temperature of 6 degrees isn’t really fun, so I’m basically looking for a dignified life where I can sort myself out and where I can be part of the whole instead of being separated from it. It’s time to end the dream and a second chance would be great, I’m granting myself a second chance I know I’m worth it.

I’m sharing here my Self-Forgivenesses that opened up through writing this blog. The Self- Forgivenesses that I already did over time are not included within this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a dream or a desire as something that can be real without consequences, instead of seeing that dreams and desires are based in energy and therefore not real within the physical reality, it will cause friction between real and unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in the mind and perceive my dreams as real as my physical reality without investigating my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the system and judging it for limiting me, instead of seeing that the system is me and it’s always me that decides to limit myself.Therefore I need to direct myself and take self-responsibility for the limitations I bring on to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality out of fear to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for life and longing for freedom to come and save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the evil outside world while in fact I was blaming my evil inside world for being existent. Therefore I didn’t want to be a person with negative sides I only wanted to see my positive personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality in order to not face the world as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the system for fining and correcting me, instead of seeing that I broke the law and had to face the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my believes in order to keep a dream alive. Instead of seeing that beliefs are not based in common sense and what is best for all and therefore not a solution to any problem to participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for being self-sufficient without seeing that I’m separating myself from the whole and not bringing solutions in the best interest of all when being self-sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of self-sabotage in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience life as a force that is against me, instead of seeing that life is me and being against myself is self-sabotage and therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up as my worse enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and let myself loop within a tree year period where my health was the investment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the negativity within myself and not wanting to take self-responsibility for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry and seeing it as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happy exist as something that is stable and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-worth comes from outside, instead of seeing that self-worth can only be allowed and accepted by me from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly die/decompose and not taking my self-responsibility for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing the scenery will change me and gives me the freedom to not face myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of perceiving a dream as real and worth chasing. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as living in my mind and escaping reality and myself  and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

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Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.