Sylvia's writing to freedom

Raped through my own back chat 19/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 13:09
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This morning I had the weirdest dream ever, one with a lot of symbolism that showed me how back chat* can literally fuck with us to the extent of rape. I never had dreams about being raped and this wasn’t really about the physical act of being raped, more about the consequences and why it came to this point.

I was at a fair in a building where there were many spaces and all were decorated/furnished like little cafe’s,  so basically catering like settings all furnished with dark wood and almost no light. I spoke to people who I never had met before, I was there with people who I didn’t know at all. I remember feeling a bit out of place, almost like “what am I doing here”.

The dream switched to the point that I awoke within my dream, not sure where I was. Within a few seconds I knew I wasn’t in my own bed and then I realized I wasn’t in a bed either. I still had my eyes closed, pretending to sleep and too afraid to open my eyes to disturb the person I felt was in the room with me. Not knowing if there was real danger to look out for. I heard the other being dressing him/herself and I decided to act as if I awoke at that moment. Then I saw that I was lying on the floor of one of those cafe’s wearing black lace fancy panties and and a bra. Undergarments I never wear myself and when I looked up I looked in the face of an acquaintance of my partner and myself. He looked down on me while zipping his pants and he laughed at me like a mad man. He said something like, so this dirty job has been done. Within that moment I exactly knew what he was talking about, he raped me and I couldn’t remember anything except for having a sore anus. He disappeared and a cleaning lady entered the cafe looked at me at the floor and let me be while cleaning the room.

I dressed and looked for the people I didn’t know, with whom I had gone to this fair. I didn’t see them, but I met new people that I didn’t know. When I looked at a clock I saw it was already noon and I was supposed to be home the evening before. A thought went through my mind about how my partner and kids must be worried by now. So I tried to get a ride home from someone, still feeling dirty, unreal and not ready to talk about what had happend.

There was one lady who said that she wanted to bring me home, so I stayed with her till she decided to leave the fair. This lady wasn’t ready to leave soon so I started to become more worried and longing to be home already feeling the arms of my partner around me to comfort me. I remember going from one room to another almost loosing my patience. Then I met someone that was living in my neighborhood who also needed a ride home so I asked the lady if she also was willing to take the lady from my neighborhood with her. “Yes no problem she said”, but still didn’t go home.

Another jump in the dream placed me at home. Although it didn’t look like home, everybody was out in the streets, sitting in little groups talking to each other and having a great time. At a certain point I found my partner and I felt a relief, though I wasn’t able to get his attention. I wasn’t able to speak to him alone and I wasn’t planning to go public with my experience of being raped. Between the moment I awoke in the cafe and now being “home” I had done some investigation about the why and how of what had happened to me.

The man that apparently raped me is a man on which I had a lot of back chat. So I knew I had fucked myself by participating within back chat and it had fucked me right in the ass. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t know anything about being raped, not even about meeting this guy on the fair where I knew nobody. I was speculating whether he had put something in my drink, without me seeing him. There were still a lot of questions, but one thing was clear, I had created this myself and I knew that perfectly well. I felt dirty but not in a way as being the victim, it was perfectly clear to me that I was walking my own consequential outflow of this particular back chat and I had to walk it within my physical till it was done.

The main back chat I had about this man and his wife were related to my relationship with my partner P. This couple was claiming my partner too much in my perspective and instead of investigating this point within me I took it the most coward way and started having back chats about them. I already worked with this point, but there was still a little poisoning tale of the snake left.

I never had sexual fantasies about this man, although he is still good looking for his age according to society, I felt this antipathy for him based on my back chat. So he was a symbol in my dream of a man that I didn’t desire to have sex with and therefore standing as a nasty example of consequential outflow, when looking at the back chat. Finding out that I had performed anal sex with him was a point of disgrace to me. Having read a lot about it lately through investigating the abuse within the porn industry, anal sex is the lowest form of sex/disgrace for a woman in my opinion. Then not knowing anybody at the fair was a symbol of separation, I separated myself through back chat from reality. Furthermore I had no transportation myself while being at the fair, this point is a symbol for not directing my own physical reality while participating within back chat. Also this man stood for the system, he has a really good job within the system and represents the power of money. While I was roaming the fair in total separation from reality/ the system, the system took me from behind. And then not being able to reach out to my partner which equals to my separation to such an extend that I became an observer and not able to enter reality and direct myself in the best interest of all.

So rape stood for manifesting my own consequences. Anal sex stood for the disgrace of participating within back chat and being ashamed about it yet not ready to let fully go. The black lace underwear stood for temptation, the temptation to choose back chat over reality. The environment/setting in which it took place is also a point of temptation and asking for consequences, since I connect cafe’s with hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility. To me that’s a negative point and something I would not do within my reality yet within back chat there is neither any self-responsibility. The darkish environment stood for not standing day light, back chat is that secret inner talk that doesn’t stand day light due to it’s evil nature.

All in all a weird dream, bringing up points that I already  had been working on. Though by no longer being confronted with this person the back chat was no longer there. But that’s the tricky part and a subtle difference between not being there or no longer within my conscious daily living. If I dislike eating cauliflower, I stop eating it and claim that I no longer have problems with cauliflower,that moment I am entering this grey area of dishonesty. So I hadn’t really dealt with this back chat to the extent of it no longer being within my mind directing me. The source was simply no longer there to fuel my back chat, but the back chat was still there waiting for me to pick up there where I had left. There is even a possibility that whenever someone else would enter my reality with the same trigger points I had with this man of my dreams, that this type of back chat would transfer onto the next person.

This definitely was a wake up call for me to understand that back chats are only gone when they no longer occur in whatever form. Therefore it’s more the signature/origin of the back chat that counts than the person or situation it’s attached to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel antipathy for a man by not facing/directing my physical reality and therefore generating back chat towards this man while in fact it was me not coping with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with rape within my dream for having back chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgrace/shame about having anal sex, instead of seeing that I had disgrace/shame about my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the urge to humiliate myself within my dream with symbols that are standing for disgrace/humiliation in order to wake myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality through my participation within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I’m not my directive force when participating within back chat and nevertheless participate within back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money. (this is an old point that is coming in here, which indicates that there are still points to consider)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money through participating within the polarity of not having money and therefore desiring money. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than the money system after being out of the system and not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality through back chat to such an extent that I’m not able/knowing anymore how to reach out to reality while being an observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that anal sex is equal to shame/deisgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that black lace underwear is equal to temptation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that cafe’s equal to hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that, hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility, is a negative point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within back chat and not facing reality.

*Back chats are all the thoughts we have within our mind related to our outer world, mostly attached to a person or situation. The back chat within our mind reality is decorated with emotions/feelings/reactions. It’s a way to deal with our physical reality from the perspective of our mind, in reality it’s a way to separate ourselves from our physical realty out of the fear to face ourselves within our physical reality.


Why are Destonians blogging the hell out off themselves? 13/02/2012

Writing is one of the many tools a Destonian has to his/her disposal. When you write in words,  that what keeps you busy inside of you, you’ll place information/knowledge from your mind into your physical reality. Whenever points are written in black and white, thoughts/memories/feelings/emotions/fears they become tangible and are ready to be dealt with. We’re able to read our writings from many years ago, but we’re not able to repeat our words from years ago word by word. Words that are spoken out loud on a video, vlogs, have the same principle, it’s making your inner reality into tangible earthly moments.

Starting this process of writing oneself out is a process on it’s own, many times we think we do not have anything to write about or it doesn’t matter what we have to say, but that’s only false modesty. It’s simply training oneself into taking a moment to express oneself in written words. Writers blocks, blanks, it all will be there as a  challenge from Self to Self. When one doesn’t want to reveal oneself to Self it’s obvious that the mind will try to block us. The question is, are we willing to give into that or are we willing to push through those moments of resistance to discover what needs to be hidden and can’t stand day light according to our mind/ego.

When we look at our society we see that whenever a message is important it will be in written form. The justice system uses written words and gives value to those words in order to convict one or not. When we have to pay our bills it’s in writing and when we do not pay we get more writings from a bailiff. When we get a job, our job description is in writing, to remind us of our obligations and to sue us whenever we are negligent. The police writes a police report in order to see whether you’re guilty or not. School wants you to write in order to imprint the information the system wants to implement in our future generation. The list goes on and on, we in the system use written words whenever we want to deliver an important message which is always a one way communication.

So to many of us writing and using words in black and white are equal to obliging oneself to the system which is in most cases the opposite of our own desires and wishes. And in a way we oblige ourselves when writing ourselves out, because once it’s out on paper/computer it is there right in front of us and can’t be erased. Whether you stripe through your words, they’ll be burnt onto your retina and you know what your dealing with. That might be a frightening experience, but try and see the beauty of it. Every word you write within Self-honesty is a gift to Self, to evolve into a being that is willing to take Self-responsibility for his/her own words/actions.

It’s important to get all the shit that is inside of us out in writing and see the patterns that are there visible for our eye in writing. One can do as much inner talk/back chat as one wishes, the real issue will never be as clear as when we write it down. From time to time we will be shocked by our own words, but that’s fine, it’s simply a reality check.

It took me quite a while before I dared to write about myself in black and white, as if I felt that once I started this process of writing there was no way back. From writing a bit now and then I started writing every day. Then I started blogs and went in the open with my writings on the internet. Warnt by many close to me that it might not be such a good idea to share all the struggles inside of me. Some even asked to not be mentioned within the blogs. Which reveals to us our extensive fear for the written word. I continued and started to write not only about my inner struggles but also about the struggles in our world, which isn’t a big step sidewards, since my inner struggles are one and equal to the outer struggles in our world.

I started enjoying this writing and I saw how I was able to grow through these writings. I had placed myself in black and white, able to see for all the world what I had accepted and allowed inside of me, as me equal to my world. I started to create an audience and there another point opened up. By sharing all that’s in me I touch upon all that is inside of you, see we’re more similar then we want to admit. So if I benefit from writing myself out, I bet it will benefit also you. Embrace this process of gifting yourself to yourself and see in common sense where you can improve yourself.

Within our writings as Destonians we use Self-forgiveness to pin point in Self-honesty what we have been accepting and allowing and from there on we write Self Corrective Statements to remind ourselves of the agreement we made with Self to keep our words and actions in line with the best interest of all. That way we discover the living words which can be spoken or written in Self-honesty to bring about change in this world that is sustainable. Writing nice stories that will flatter you will take you into vanity and ego, where we all will end up from time to time. Though when you start knowing yourself through your writings, you can see that vanity and ego are a point to take on without shame or suppression.

Ever wondered why Destonians are writing themselves to freedom? Simple we free ourselves from all that was attached to our words as emotions/feelings/fears to see that real freedom is not within mind reality, but instead here within our physical reality where words are words and have no polarized load to them. Simply communicating from Self to Self and to all the other Selves. Join us and blog the hell out off yourself to reveal you to yourself and be proud within humbleness on the steps that you take forward in the best interest of all.

Share your blogs with us on Facebook or on the Desteni Universe forum.


How I was able to hear the Desteni message 05/02/2012

When I 4 years ago stumbled upon a video of Desteni, done by Sunette as a portal, I wasn’t looking for the Desteni message. I had no intent to join any group what so ever, I had no intent to face myself and I had absolutely no intent to change the world simply because I never perceived myself as someone that could change the world. I was living my dream within my bubble and could see, feel and understand that there was something really wrong with the world I was living in. And I say “the world I was living in”, because I didn’t see the world as “the world I am a part of”. I was raised in the era of individualism and joining a group was kind of hippie like and kind of impossible for me to join groups while I perceived myself as an independent individual and not part of the collective that’s called life. I lived life my way in an original way believing in me as good and peaceful going along on the new age wave and creating a new belief out of love&light and being on top of the world as a conspiracy junk to point fingers at all that was bad in this world to not face myself and instead blaming others for making my dream life impossible.


Wow, that was my start 4 years ago after 40 years of pretending to live. I lived, I hibernated through the years, but I hadn’t really lived. I observed my live as the observer of my own life, afraid before taking every breath without recognizing my separation of life. I was floating around and on a conscious level not searching for answers about life, I was simply too afraid to burst my bubble. Yet I was complaining about not getting the answers I wanted within my process of Reiki and energy work. Without realizing it. I was searching for answers all my life and hadn’t gotten any. I expected others to bring me the answers and did not even consider the possibility of finding answers myself. With the beginning of the internet things changed and searching was quite easy all of a sudden and yet a sea full of information to go through.


I was disappointed in religion, not seeing that religion for me was an energy refill and I got hooked on the energy. The moment I had to become an active part of the religious group I backed out and blamed them for narrowness. I was disappointed in spirituality, because it didn’t serve me the specialness I was looking for to refill myself with energy, the very energy I lost by leaving the religious group. The moment it was time to decide which spiritual group was ment for me, I backed out and blamed them for being too extreme and not grounded. When I started to read conspiracy theories it confirmed my ego in being right all along and I used this information like a religion to convert people like Jehova Witnesses do.


So you can say that I was quite a lost case to hear anything and who had tried to find the answers to life without really knowing that I was searching for the answers and yet when I saw that first Desteni Productions video it hit home. I do not recall which video it was since I started to search for more after that first one. I’ve spent weeks watching the Desteni materials, I simply couldn’t stop. I had to know and I had to understand what Desteni was communicating with me. Their material was touching me deep inside and it was so easily answering many of my questions that had been so hard for others to answer. I saw how I had been wandering around as an observer in my own life and was eager to learn how to direct myself for the first time in life.


I was able to hear what Desteni said while being in a zombie state and completely brainwashed by society and upbringing, not very different from any average person. I had made major changes in my life and still I had this dissatisfied feeling inside of me. I didn’t want to believe that this was life and that this was all that was to it, I believed that there had to be more to life than this. Simply out of the fear that if life was this unspecial I couldn’t claim my own specialness anymore, no individualism anymore. I would be useless in a world without purpose. So my ego demanded that there should be more to life than this. How could I be the award winning star of my own movie as I was playing in a B movie?


I took the Desteni ride and I was in for a lot more than I had expected. I took over a year to take all information in and keeping up with the new materials. Then the moment arrived where I could join the forum, which I by the way could had done from the start, but I was afraid. I was afraid of not expressing myself good enough in English, I was afraid of not being a good enough Destonian yet, I was afraid to meet all these people I didn’t know yet. Though the biggest fear was joining the forum was equal to me to joining a group. So I feared loosing my identity/individuality and almost physically shaking I registered though never posted anything. Appart from not joining the forum I kept actively listening to the new materials and sharing it with my partner and kids. Only when I had the intend to start the Structural Resonant Alignment training I forced myself to join actively the forum and so I did. From joining the forum I joined Desteni on Facebook and You Tube and contributed to the newsletter.


Before I knew it I was part of a group and I recognized myself in all the people that joined. I realized that it wasn’t that fearful to join a group. I even enjoyed joining this group. The more I became aware of myself and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be, the more I understood and realized the importance of facing myself and therefore facing the world. By changing myself I could actually be a living example. There was no need anymore to hide myself and peep through the key hole to observe life. The more I started to understand life and me as life the more I saw the need for an Equal Money System to end inequality and equally live and breathe ourselves for the first time without the fear of survival creeping up ones neck into real physical life.


I started blogging and vlogging to spread the Desteni message just as they had equally done for me. I fell and I stood up during those last 4 years, every time stronger. Desteni helped me on a personal level to overcome events in my life I would have gone insane over when I didn’t know that the key and therefore the answers are always inside of me. Taking Self-responsibility and being Self-honest became more clear to me over the years. The difference is now I’m slowly but surely walking these words and before I was still comprehending these words. I have gone from self-manipulation to self-directing and the result is less stress while sailing a stable stance in life.


At the moment also my partner is doing SRA-1 and my teenage kids are applying the Desteni tools and materials as far as they are capable. I was able to hear the message of Desteni, one that says that we should love our neighbors like ourselves. Which implies that we first need to love ourselves in order to be able to love our neighbors. First we better/improve ourselves and then reflect the improved Self into the world. We do this in common sense and in the best interest of all in all ways. To understand that life takes place here within our physical reality and not up there in our minds. If we want a better life why not have a better life for all?


If you can see and hear that this world is heading towards destruction and that we only have 1 life to stop and change that world as ourselves, the join us. See and investigate for yourself what we’re standing for and decide whether you wan to be the change, by changing you as a being. We are people just like you, so it’s never too late to join us and become a Destonian for life.