Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 re-defining words: How I allowed the word WEAK to make me WEAK 08/04/2012

When finishing my last Mind Construct of a series of mc’s within my Desteni I Process, I found myself stuck at the part of word re-definitions. I hadn’t realised how much I allowed these, at first sight, innocent words to have an impact on me. Behind these words was hidden a whole universum of entangled emotions and feelings, hidden from my conscious daily living. While after taking a closer look these words had/have a tremendous  influence on my daily life. The word weak was the last hiccup I had within my mc and within this blog I will show the road that I traveled while working with the word WEAK.

First of all I came to the realisation that the word WEAK, as an English word, had made far more impact on me than the Dutch equivalent when I’m speaking my mother tongue. When I hear the word WEAK in English I even feel a physical sensation/reaction to the word WEAK. When I have a look at the 2 different languages, Dutch and English,  I can see that English is the language of the ego. Which means that I’m activating ego points within me when using, hearing or writing the word WEAK. That doesn’t sound to weird in a way, since Weak is the other end of the polarity of STRONG, it’s participating within comparison when using or experiencing myself within the word WEAK. Comparison is of the ego, since we always want to be at the better end of the equation. So was I, whenever I was dealing with WEAK I was fighting to become STRONG. Therefore my relationship with WEAK has been one of fighting against the fear to become WEAK or to be seen as WEAK.

I always wanted to experience myself as STRONG, even as a child, WEAK within the society I grew up in was considered as a bad, not a desirable state of being. I was born at the end of the 1960’s, where in the seventies the women movements, the Hippie days, were showing us women that we had the power. Girl Power another belief that replaced the role women had thus far, because within a society where no one yet believed in Girl Power and the equality of men and women it’s merely a belief/desire that women are STRONG or even stronger than men. The whole concept of STRONG and WEAK totally polarized, what made many women disorientated within a lack of understanding of who they were. One can feel STRONG and say, I am STRONG, while licking the asses of the men, but does that make someone strong as in stable? Society didn’t give women the same rights, simply because women didn’t live the word STRONG, they used it in their fight to get rid of this nasty feeling of being stigmatized as WEAK.

How many times have we as women not ridiculed men for not being capable to give birth to a child, in our perspective men wouldn’t be STRONG enough to bear the pain and to fulfill 9 months of discomfort. The question is, do we really know whether men are too WEAK to give birth to a child? No of course we do not know that and it even doesn’t matter. It’s simply another game to fight within the polarity of STRONG and WEAK. Then going from the Hippie era to the eighties and nineties we as women discovered that sex was the real power we had. When we were sexually attractive to men, seen through our own eyes charged with societies slogans, then we would be STRONG and in control over our own life. Are we? Looking at where this belief lead us, up in 2012 where our total world is sexualized out of one desire: profit. Are we women the STRONG ones? Did we win the battle we started many years ago? Or are we still experiencing ourselves as WEAK and dressing it up as STRONG? I for sure am.

Throughout my life I have been impulsed by this polarity of STRONG and WEAK and I’ve been acting upon it. As a child I saw my mom in the role of a housewife pleasing my dad to gain self-worth and I decided to do it differently. When I had to choose school directions for a future career, as a teenager, I aimed at being a doctor and saw being a nurse, what was more within my reach, as a typical female job. To me it was less then a doctor, confirmed by the roles within society for women and the embodiment of WEAKNESS. I ended up in art school and was within the profession of an artist too WEAK to earn enough to make a decent living. My dad advised me to seek for a rich man, so again my WEAKNESS was confirmed and I had to search for a STRONG rich man to rescue me from myself and my self made choices. The rich man I’ve never  found and I switched career plans and studied social work. Within my marriage I ended up being a housewife when I had my kids and enjoyed being at home with my kids, though in the back ground I had this belief running that I had maneuvered myself within a WEAK position. I didn’t make my own money and therefore I was within my marriage at the WEAK end of the polarity. So that added another point on to the perception of being WEAK, money.

Over the last few years of my life money has been a big issue, or better said the lack of money. I experienced/perceived myself as WEAK within society without having a job and enough money to make a living. On top of that my body started having numerous of problems, due to poor food and poor housing. I became a little bit more grey, my skin  started wrinkling, it’s called aging, though I perceived it as WEAK. My body was weakening and I saw it as giving up on me. Due to aging the point of no longer feeling sexually attractive has a whole other starting point than when I was in my twenties. Within common sense these wouldn’t be issues to make myself feel WEAK, but within ego as in comparison, I saw that I was doing far more less than the people around me who I perceived as STRONG. At this point I had sunk into my own created shit a little bit too deep, so fighting WEAK in order to become STRONG wasn’t the way to walk this.

My partner and I walked the money point backwards to see how and why we had created the point where we were at right now. It was our desire to be STRONG and independent from society that made us separate from that very society. Society on it’s turn bite us in the ass, since we were playing the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. In order to free ourselves from this polarity within the money point, we simply had to break the separation point and go back and participate within society again. It’s a long way to go, but we are doing okay. My partner has a nice job again and we will be able to stabilize our financial situation within the coming years. We practically walked our consequences within the physical to dissolve all the noise as emotions/feelings/fears that had us brought into a scary non desirable position within society.

While my partner has his new job in the Netherlands and I am in Italy with our 2 kids, the whole household that was created around 2 people has been placed on my plate. I’m running the household almost 4 months on my own now and I’m getting physically weaker. I never had split the wood or dug myself twice out of 2 meter of snow, I basically never did the most heavy tasks around the house, simply because I couldn’t handle it physically. Now together with my kids I’m doing all of these tasks and my left arm started to protest after a month or so. I figured it was just a normal muscle ache and I kept using it to not let it become rigid. Though the pain became only more severe and now it is like I have a constant muscle ache whether I use my arm/hand or not. The strength in my arm/hand has reduced immensely. I decided not to see a doctor due to the costs and having a daughter that really needed medical attention when she got diagnosed with Hyper-mobility. Which hasn’t been a cool choice to suppress my own needs out of lack of money. So again I find myself within the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. I feel totally WEAK when I have to prioritize the things that I can do on a daily base. Typing a blog in the morning means not doing any typing for the rest of the day, sewing clothing means less activity for the rest of the day. So now I perceived my body as WEAK and not cooperating with me and not realizing that I am my body and I caused this distress within my body. I am not WEAK neither STRONG within comparison and polarity. It’s simply my physical that for the moment isn’t coping with the changes I made within my physical reality and if that means I need to take a lot of rest, then let it be so. It is not me limiting myself through having a non functional arm, it’s my body that says, hey stop abusing the physical, stop, breathe and change the way you are living. I wanted to be STRONG, be the partner that could keep the Italian household running as it was, showing off in a way. The question is, who is benefiting from this showing off? As far as I am concerned nobody, so it has to stop and I have to plan my life differently to be able to cope within my physical limitations. Limitations that are not per se WEAK or there to bully me, but simply what is here.

I can see now how much the word WEAK was representing and how much I labeled it as negative. It was almost impossible to re-define this word WEAK while being stuck in all this self created noise around it. A re-definition of a word will give the word a new charge that is best for all life always. In my situation there was no room for best for all, my ego was in the way so to speak.

These are the attempts I did within re-defining while not being clear on the word WEAK:

*Weak – experiencing physical weakness/chemical imbalance within one’s current situation/allocation within one’s world while one’s basic needs are met.

Here I was only considering physical weakness of humans, so I left the animals and objects out. This definition was about me and showed me where I was at that moment, though it had nothing to do with a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is the breaking point of directing oneself into complete awareness of being one and equal to Life.

Here I was aiming at polarity and again just the very point where I was at in that moment. Though polarity cannot be included in a re-definition that is best for all.

*Weak – is when people/animals/objects/items are not one with/equal to the whole group.

Here I do consider more than only myself or humanity though now I add comparison, the very point I was entangled in. A point of ego cannot be part of a re-definition since ego has nothing to do with what is best for all.

*Weak – is when a being/animal/object has no longer the ability to function within their specific expression/purpose.

Here I assume that all is STRONG to begin with when I say “no longer the ability”, therefore it is still a polarity and not in the best interest of all life when it comes to re-definitions.

*Weak – the loss of the ability to function within a specific self-expression.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition only now “no longer” is replaced by “loss”. The word loss has polarity and comparison within it and is therefore not to be used as best for all re-definition.

*Weak – a self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage of it’s existence that is not preferable in all situations.

Here the self-expression is seen as negative “not preferable” so it charges the re-definition with a negative charge and is therefore not suitable for a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is not effective in all situations.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition, only now I call it “not effective” though it has still a negative charge and comparison within it.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is aberrant for it’s kind and detracts it’s nature.

Here I am at full steam and within desperation of not moving towards a re-definition I add all ingredients that are not at all reflecting what is best for all. “Aberrant” and “detracts” I used here deliberately to wrap up the negative charge in a nice wrapping.

*Weak – is an existing/resulting expression that exist temporarily/as a constant that will compromise the power of the whole and results in a temporarily/constant separation of the whole.

Here I mixed several previous re-definitions that had proven to be inadequate and again it is full of negative charge and comparison. At this point I surrendered, I was tired, frustrated and truly feeling WEAK. At this point I realized that I had to write out that what was attached to the word WEAK within my conscious world. I asked my buddy to assist and support me to get me through this point. In the end she gave me her definition, that she had come up with together with my moderater, of the word WEAK. She asked me to consider this re-definition and at first I didn’t see it work, while I was still blurred with all the bullshit that I had attached to it.


Yes, this simple it is. The first thought that came up after seeing that this re-definition does consider what is best for all was,” I didn’t do it myself”. So I basically went into WEAKNESS here. I stopped and I breathed, there is no need for being the inventer of things, when something is already within the best interest of all we can all use it. As long as we can see that it is in the best interest of all. So without acting from a point of ego I’m adopting this re-defintion into my Mind Construct and see it as support instead of WEAKNESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak compared to the strong I desire to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words weak and strong to charges myself with positive and negative feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when it comes to the word weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of weak and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ego as a directive principle to guide me through my experiences when it comes to weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as strong throughout my life, instead of seeing that this experience was merely there to cover up my true feeling of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the impulsing from society around the word weak as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak by lacking enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for giving upon me and making me weak, instead of seeing that I allowed my body to become weak, but that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the feeling of weak to feel strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than my daughter when it comes to medical assistance due to  financial priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak when I cannot do all the tings I want/desire to do on a daily base while having a dysfunctional arm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical out of fear to experience limitations that I already had placed for myself to begin with by abusing the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show of and picture myself as strong to my outside world.

When and as I see myself going into emotions/feelings around the word weak. I stop, I breathe and realize that acting from a point of ego within comparison and polarity will lead me nowhere. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the emotions/feelings around the word weak and I will use the re-definition of the word weak, to guide me/show me the living expression of the word weak.