Sylvia's writing to freedom

Not wanting to look into the face of fear of survival. 18/12/2011

A few days ago while doing groceries, my partner P. and I ended up at the fishmonger. It’s a shop run by a couple, who are always cheerful and ready to give you assistance and service. This week a new lady started working with the wife of the owners couple. The lady didn’t look like she took great care of herself. She was in her forties, had long greasy hair and a face full of pimples. And we were the happy clients that were going to be served by her.

She acted nervous, which isn’t an uncommon thing when you just start a new job. We pointed at a certain fish and asked for 2 of those fishes, already stating that the fish were quite big. The new lady weighed the fish and made the bill. I was a bit puzzled since she asked 20 euro. We both said that’s too much money, that’s not what our budget can handle. So we picked another pair of fishes less expensive and less big. The new lady was not really amused with our behavior, since she already had made the bill, therefore the pay desk had to be reset in order to switch to the new price. She stepped back after one try and called the owner to fix the problem for her. The newly picked fishes were weighed and we paid a reasonable amount of money in relation to our budget.

When we left the shop we wondered what had went differently and how this confusing could have happend. We came to the conclusion that the owners always before making up the bill, ask whether we agree with the weight and amount of fish. In that moment we usually change it into more or bigger fish or smaller fish. No big deal, it’s just in the game of buying. So we missed one step wherein we as a client were able to accept and allow the deal that was about to be made. Now we were confronted with a price that we didn’t want to pay.

Then I looked further and deeper inside myself, because the new lady had left an impression on me that I interpret as not comfortable to look at. I felt some what disgusted with her, not blaming and judging her for her actions in the physical reality so much, but more blaming her for her overall presence. I realized when slowing myself down after rewinding the whole event that I didn’t like to look her in the face. Why? What had the lady done that I was disgusted by looking her in the face? What reaction was triggered inside of me?

It was the heaviness of how she looked, the total separation when she failed resetting the pay desk, where her eyes almost rolled back as if she jumped into her mind. And then I knew what she triggered in me, I was looking in the face of fear of survival.This lady didn’t want to be there and dealing with “difficult” clients, this lady was there to earn money in order to survive. Lets be realistic, no one’s career desires are serving people in a fishmonger. Although I’ve been in a position of doing work to survive and still are in the position of doing shitty jobs in order to survive, I hated to look into the face of the very same thing that also I fear.

I always make sure that I look cheerful while doing my job, since it’s my doing why I ended up having to do shitty jobs, another person has nothing to do with my unresolved shit. So I rather not show feelings of not being satisfied with my job, while this lady on the contrary wasn’t capable of doing so. There is no wrong or right in showing your feelings or not, it is about being self-honest towards yourself and making the situation into the best interest of all. So when I look at myself it’s obvious that suppressing these feelings of disliking my job as a cleaning slave for someone else, isn’t in the best interest of all. It’s best to deal with these feelings of discomfort and then for the time being accepting  and allowing the job as it is, which gives me the opportunity to look for other job options that are less abusive. Therefore throwing ones disgust for the job on ones employer or clients and not taking responsibility for it is not a self-responsible thing to do, simply dealing with it without suppressing the feelings is moving forward.

There are things though that I no longer will accept and allow from my employer, like cleaning a clean Persian carpet on my knees with a small brush. My employer has this desire for cleanness that’s on the edge of hosophobia. She calls me to clean the house because it’s so dirty, we clearly do not have the same definition of clean and dirty. If I stood in her shoes within her house, I would have said, it’s still clean I do not need to clean the house now, lets spend some time with the kids. But I need the money and my relation with her is not one of equality, a slave and a master are never equal. So saying to her that her house isn’t in need of a cleaning, isn’t something I can say within our relationship, if I want to keep the job.

So the bottom line here is that I do not want to see in others what I experience within myself as negative. Therefore the first reaction in me is separation from what I’m dealing with and only focussing on the other. Lucky enough I’m doing the Desteni I Process which enables me to look behind that first reaction and not getting distracted with my outer world while the problem for me is within my inner world. Isn’t that what we, humanity, tend to do? Finger pointing at others when they make us feel uneasy? We better stop if we really want to evolute and starting to understand ourselves. Our reactions are always about us, they won’t go away if we separate ourselves from it while blaming others. I intend to take responsibility for my own reactions, to clean out the shit inside of me, how about you?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for her uncared appearance, while it’s simply pointing out the fear I have inside of me to become a person that will neglect herself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting myself out of separation of my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the needs of my physical body while I’m allowing the mind to occupying my existence.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the very things that I dislike inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady at the fishmonger for being nervous and making me feel uneasy, while it’s me that decides to act on the reaction I have towards a nervous person an define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the nervous behaviour of the lady at the fishmonger with the fact that it’s normal to be nervous at a new job, while I’m being agitated over it and start back chats about her unfriendly approach.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to measure myself with other standards than the lady at the fishmongers, it’s okay for me to be nervous, yet it isn’t okay for her since she makes me feel uneasy. Not seeing that there cannot be 2 standards of measurements over the same feeling when I’m equal to all there is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the lady at the fishmongers for working in a different way than her boss does. While in fact it’s my fear of change and not being here within the physical that makes it difficult to adjust my actions within my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with the lady of the fishmonger, while in fact I was disgusted with myself for having to do slave work that I dislike in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of survival as it is this signal that entails that I fucked up in life and not being able to fit into the system money wise.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’ll never will arrise above shitty jobs and never will see a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the mirror that my fellow human is to me and instead dislike my fellow human for the negativity that they reflect onto me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those beings that express the things that I have defined as negative within myself.

I am one and equal to all that is life and I will stop and breathe whenever I see myself hiding in separation afraid of others who are pointing out how afraid I am of myself. I will no longer deny myself, separate myself nor sabotage my physical body. I will take life, as life, here in every moment and every breath, in the best interest of all. I will direct myself to become my own improved version to change myself inside and outside. A responsible world citizen that takes care of herself and others.

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Washed away memories 30/10/2011

Thursday the plumber finally came over, after 4 months of begging, to check our antique boiler. This time it had to be checked in time, otherwise the boiler wouldn’t be certified anymore. Our landlord started in June to ask for this simple check up and as it goes in Italy they do not set a date, they simply squeeze you somewhere in their busy program. Within our small village, with approximately 3000 inhabitants, we’ve got 2 plumber family businesses. There isn’t enough work within the village to keep all sons and nephews working, so they look for assignments within new projects in the bigger cities. This means practically for us, in the village, that our requests are mostly not profitable for our plumbers. Which has as a consequence that we’ve got to wait very long for simple proceedings.

We considered asking our landlord to switch plumber and hire a boiler check business, those companies do  nothing else then certifying and checking and repairing boilers. Though when we carefully suggested changing plumbers  our landlord started already resisting. His perspective was that he had been asking them, so they had to do the checking. Even though he’s got a history with our local plumber, it still should be a possibility to switch plumbers, if that’s more practical or needed. If the checking hadn’t been done in time we were also risking a fine and it wasn’t yet clear or spoken out loud by our landlord who had to pay the fine. It was clear that we had to pay for the check up, at least a €100,-, it was clear that the repairs were going to be paid by the landlord. Lucky enough for us the plumber was still in time, yet 4 months to late, so nobody had to pay a fine.

One of the plumber sons came over and checked the boiler, all was fine and we got the certificate. He couldn’t say what the costs were going to be, he asked us to ask his aunt in the office about the price. When he left the cellar, he told my partner P. that all was fine, we didn’t went back into the cellar to check. We went back into the cellar the next morning to switch on the boiler for hot water. Only then P. found a disaster. The plumber had used a power point just behind our 2000 liter water reserve tank and with the unplugging of the plug he must have moved the tubes that were hanging in the tank in order to water the garden. He probably didn’t notice the tube getting loose and he probably didn’t notice the water that must have flushed out of the tube immediately. So for about 13 hours the tank had the ability to empty the major part of the 2000 liter of rain water in our cellar.

In this cellar we have the storage of all the stuff that we did move along with us for so many removals, but they hadn’t  been given a place within the current house. There were approximately 40 filled cardboard boxes, mattresses, folded cardboard boxes, literally all stuff that hadn’t yet been on the list of trowing away and hadn’t been considered useful to have in the house. The cellar looked like a natural disaster, like a water flooding had taken place. The tower of boxes had collapsed, due to the first layer of boxes that absorbed so much water that they had collapsed. Looking at this disaster there was one word written all over it: WORK. We were in for a lot of work.

P. had to work outside the home-office, so that left me in charge of the disaster. I opened the cellar and did put all my power to the task to get these really heavy boxes outside. Heavy because most were containing books, linen, photo-books and  photo’s. While lifting them the water was running out of the corners of the boxes. All that was wet was now placed outside where the humidity was quite high on this autumn morning. Little floods were coming from the boxes and it didn’t look very promising, when considering the disaster inside the boxes. I decided to first let all the water drip out of the boxes and at a later stage opening the boxes and checking the content. I mopped all the water from the floor and left the door and window open for the wind to blow things a bit dry, I didn’t have the whole morning to dedicate to this task.

At the end of the afternoon P. and I were both free to dedicate ourselves to the water disaster again. P. took some more stuff out that had been too heavy for me to handle alone. The floor was almost dry and P. had gone to the waste platform to seek for pallets. This way we could place the boxes back again only now just below the floor to avoid a second distaster. We started repacking the wet boxes into almost dry boxes. We had to decide what to keep and what to trow away. Old school books from the kids we decided to trow away, old maps of various countries and cities we once went to we threw away, a lot of photo’s that weren’t able to be saved we threw away. I came across all my elementary school notebooks and handcraft assignments. Normally I got quite exited and nostalgic with these things, now I saw stuff made by a child and most of it didn’t had a direct memory other then stories of my mom hanging on to it. It was horribly wet and I decided to trow it away, to my surprise it wasn’t a heavy moment to go through. I simply breathed and remained here and asked myself the question if I would remain when these touchable memories were no longer in my possession? The question I asked myself looked even unreal, how could these possessions change who I am?

That evening my daughter A. searched through the photo’s that had survived the disaster. She was asking me various questions about the pictures that were new to her. Me and one of my old boyfriends, me being baptised, holidays of me and holidays of P. from the time we weren’t yet together. Surprisingly I wasn’t sucked into all these memories and I didn’t experience a roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. I used to get a real energy boost from going through old pictures and memories and as I see it now I was desperately confirming myself that I was still alive through pictures instead of being here and enjoying life in every breath.

This whole water disaster was a time loop when I look back at it. When almost 3 years ago we moved into this house we already had the idea of putting pallets on the ground to keep the boxes dry in case of a disaster. It never came further then a plan and now we were confronted with a missed chance. We lacked responsibility towards our and our kids their belongings and were faced with the consequences. The good side that came forth out of all this is the fact that we cleared our passed by letting go of pictures/ballast. We, I, do not survive by holding on to pictures of the past. Memories can serve, to point out what not to repeat again, simply because it didn’t work and it wasn’t in the best interest of all.

 

 

Do you want to deal with your past in an effective way, visit http://www.desteni.co.za

 

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

 

Hair 02/10/2011

Approximately 1,5 year ago I shaved my head to stand for world equality and to give my visible vote for an Equal Money System. I faced quite some fears and it took me almost 3 months to get ready and shave. Within those three months I looked at the fears I had and did Self-Forgiveness on them, but only within my physical reality I could face my own effectiveness within my application of SF and had to correct myself further within the physical. Since I’m living as a foreigner in a small Catholic village in central Italy my villagers were not really enthusiastic to say the least when I shaved my head. A woman here in rural Italy is one with long dark hair, high heels, cleavage and most preferred a short skirt. Not that I fitted in this description before I shaved my head, but at least I had hair and they could still refer to me as a woman. The day I shaved the speculations started and I wouldn’t be surprised if some people made some sort of a bet on it. I had just gone through an event of bullying at school with my daughter A. which was in essence rasism and people started to ask if I had too much grief about this event that I shaved my head. A nice one and really dramatic, I hadn’t thought of that one as a reason for shaving ones head. Then the rumour started that I was suffering from cancer and was refusing to wear a wig. Though the final conclusion was that I had lost it for most of the population and the few that really went in conversation with me admired me, but couldn’t see any salvation of our current world within the words I spoke. Lots and lots of people got neck pains, a national Italian disease, due to looking after me when I was passing by. The people that I could look in the face had always a look of intense disgust. I made flyers to explain myself, but basically I was stuck in a polarity between admiration and disgust of my villagers and I decided not to go along with that and therefore kept my head neatly shaved for 1,5 year.

A bald head was the first way of approaching my head and me in a way that it didn’t cause friction within me.The moment I shaved of my hair and I looked in the mirror I saw ME as I understand ME within my current process. No hair anymore gave me the opportunity to look beyond my personalities, who were still there, but couldn’t be connected to my hair anymore. With the hair also my clothes changed into more comfortable clothes. I even went for a walk today with a combination of a flower skirt and a flower t-shirt that totally didn’t match in colour and pattern. There were times that I would have bothered about such a thing and would feel insecure. For a moment I hesitated if it was the “right” thing to do. I concluded that it was bullshit to not go for a walk around the block in 2 garments that are really comfortable to wear and tested it out in my reality. I’m still alive and after the first meters I forgot all about my non stylish outfit. So the shaving is a statement , but it also helped me through a lot of issues within my physical reality. Therefore I had no intensions to let it grow again.

Till the moment that my sewing business was not really running well. My neighbor from across the street, who does the same work as I, said after I asked her how business was going, it’s a bad period for us all. Though here in Italy nobody is very direct in his/hers answers so it could mean that she had still enough work and didn’t want to hurt me and came up with this answer or she really had less clients. I saw how people were avoiding me in the village and the clients I still have do really not care about me having hair or no hair. So I decided to investigate this point within my physical reality and let my hair grow till a point that I felt comfortable with.

The first day that I went to my grocery shop with an almost crew cut, the lady of the shop suddenly started talking to me and making friendly faces. I  was surprised, I always perceived this lady as a grumpy woman that hardly looked me in the eyes. Then a friend of mine asked in this special way if she was right about me letting my hair grow, as if she asked me if I was pregnant, the same tonality was in her voice. It was as if suddenly I was again part of the zombies, my hair made me again part of the club of zombies. I knew that we humanity are hypocrites, but this was a firm confirmation.

I let my hair grow till it was about 1,5 centimeter long. I noticed that on top of my head the hair was growing in the air like little antennes and the hair on my sides and on my occiput was growing flat against my head. This gave my head this oval shape. I suddenly didn’t see ME anymore and a not deliberately hairstyle developed. I saw resistance within me and points that I hadn’t taken on yet about me having hair and being defined by my hair style. I no longer could rinse my hair without being grassy and  also resisted using shampoo again. So I had to make a plan about what I wanted to do with my hair and head. I decided to let it grow just a few millimeter which gives this idea of hair on my head, but it’s easy to manage without soap and makes people more at ease while being in my presence. It’s a decision I made in the moment and will be valid as long as I can be self-honest within it.

Perceiving myself as a person with hair again, I walked with my daughter A. in one of the nearby towns, wearing a skirt and t-shirt with cleavage. To me I was, without desiring it, dressed in an Italian adapted way. Till the moment that A. said to me, come on mom cross the street I’m already at the shop what is taking you so long? What took me so long was this retired man that started to walk towards me, over a distance of 500 meter, like a magnet. He was staring at me and couldn’t get his face in another direction and I had to step backwards to not been over-walked. I heard him mumble, a lady without hair? So I  hurried across the street and while I looked behind me to see how the man was doing, I saw that he almost did a 180 degrees owl turn to look after me. I was astonished, he said a lady without hair, so I was still considered as having no hair? We found out that we had gone to the wrong shop and had to cross the square where the retired man with his pels was hanging around in front of the medieval town hall. I heard them gossip and almost gasping for air while seeing a lady with hair that didn’t count as having hair.  It was all very entertaining to me and A. as these men revealed in one breath a long and rich tradition of how women should be.

I’m still one vote for an Equal Money System and world equality, nothing changed except I’m more with 2 feet on the ground again and traded guessing about how people would perceive me, with research within my physical reality. As my life and my process will develop so will my view on hair develop. For now the best approach, and still be able to reach out to most people, is to have a crew cut. And not to place myself outside the society I live in, due to inflexible opinions. I’m not going to fight the system, I’m going to work with the system and use the system to bring change. A change that we all know is necessary, but we’re too afraid that change never will happen. Investigate your reality and test your opinions and believes, you might be surprised about what you find.

 

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

 

I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

 

How we treat our domestic animals is a reflection of how we treat life in general 25/08/2011

A few weeks ago we had a little kitten roaming our garden and staying close to our house. The kids spotted the kitten, played with it and saw that the kitten had no idea where it came from or where to go to. My youngest son J. was literally in love with the kitten, my daughter A. and the girl next door were already asking around within the neighborhood if any of the neighbors was missing a kitten. No luck so far. We let the kitten sleep outside the house, made a safe and comfortable place for him to stay. The kitten had no intensions in leaving our garden, so we decided to make a plan the next day.

When we opened our front door the next morning, the kitten was still there and ready to play. We kept him outside the house to not upset our oldest male cat too much. Our male cat Lana is possessed with taking care of his territorium and when there are new smells of other animals, he’s spraying the whole garden and inside the house to let everyone know that he’s in charge. He’s castrated, but that doesn’t seem to bother his spraying behaviour. This all started when we moved into our current house where the neighbor cats had claimed the garden for many years and had to give it up to the new renters cats. So we had a lot of fights going on, I kept my cats inside the house at night since the meanest cats were like gangs checking the neighborhood at night. We already encountered the mean fat red tomcat and his right hand the pirate cat. We call him the pirate, because he is blind in one of his eyes after a fight. We knew what we were dealing with, kept the new kitten out of sight of Lana and discussed plan B.

The girls had been asking around if the kitten had an owner nearby. Some people said that they had seen the cat already walking around for weeks in the adjacent neighborhoods. Everybody was concerned, but not ready to step in and help out. The grandmother of the girl next door even forbid the girl to be part of seeking the owner of the kitten and said that she herself has already enough cats. That was quite funny since nobody asked granny to take the kitten in any way, wich means that she didn’t trust herself on this point and feared to be charmed into taking care of the kitten. This granny had indeed 2 cats around her house who literally abandoned her and I would dare to say due to lack of real care. They also have a lot of animals up into the mountains where they own a piece of land, but there isn’t a real taking care issue when it comes to the cats that live there. The cats take care of themselves.

So plan B was taking care of the kitten and in the meanwhile keep searching for the owner. The outflow of plan B in case that we didn’t find the owner was to bring the kitten to a shelter. We would love to keep the cat, but after months of adapting problems between our oldest male cat Lana and the last kitten we took in our home last summer, it wasn’t a real option to go through again. Although it was tempting. Our 2 oldest cats, Lana and Lupa, were abandoned in a cardboard box with their sister Katja before they were brought to the shelter where we got them from. They are traumatised for life, but we deeply care for them. Then last summer another cat came on our path and was up for adoption. The new one called Siep is an open, friendly and exploring cat and so much fun to be around. Siep had no adapting problems, but the traumatised cats had. With this experience we made ourselves believe that bringing the kitten to a shelter would be the best option. I kept wishing for it’s owner to be found since that would be the best option of all, as I believed. My partner P. warned that it also could be a case of abandoning the kitten for their owners to be able to go on a holiday, which is still common here.

The kids decided to make flyers to hang throughout our small village. They took a charming picture of the kitten, wrote a message on the flyer and made strips to tear off with our name and celphone number. Again A. and the next door girl went from home to home with the kitten, where they hadn’t been yet the day before. So now we had to wait. We decided to make our cellar into a guest room for the kitten. He already showed that he was cat box trained, so we made a cat box, put water and dry food in the room. The kids made him a box with a towel to sleep in and a few homemade toys. We’d gone through all these efforts, because letting him free in the garden could make him leave. Then when the owners would call us, we wouldn’t have their cat anymore. The kitten enjoyed his stay in our cat hotel and J. went in there every 15 minutes to make sure all was alright. In between that A. checked on him and also I went in from time to time. So no lack of attention.

The next morning A. and I were doing groceries when her phone rang when a boy/young man living down the street called us. He had seen the flyer hanging on a lamppost next to his house. The boy studies in Rome and is over for the summer holidays to visit his mom and sister, they all live in the same house. He told A. that the kitten was his and that he had him for 2 weeks now and that the kitten must have escaped the garage. We arranged for him to come by after lunch to pick up his cat. We were relieved and sad at the same time, because the kitten was so much fun.

The boy came by to pickup his cat and thanked us a million times. He said he was glad that we had found the kitten since people around here do not really care. To us it’s normal to act in this way, all life is life and therefore worthy. He took the little kitten in his arms and he looked so happy. I felt relieved that the cat was back with his owner who obvious cared a lot about the little creature. After spending 3 days with the kitten it already felt empty without him, but he lives so close, we will probably see him many times again.

A few days later while walking by the house of the owner of the kitten I saw the kitten walking freely in the garden where the gate was wide open. I automatically talked to the kitten and he responded by walking towards me, I stroked him, he snuggled. When I was ready to walk a way the kitten started following me, so I did put him back into the garden and lucky enough for both of us he found a grasshopper to chase and was distracted.

Later that day I spoke about the kitten being loose again with the kids and A. said that she also noticed this and spoke about it with the owner. This family has proven already that they want to be nice to animals, but in reality it comes down to almost abusive behavior. They once had taken in a rejected rabbit that after a while started to eat a way through his wooden home. They watched it talked about it and did nothing, till the day that it became a real hole in the side of the wooden rabbit home. They decided that this was the moment on which the rabbit had gone too far, they slaughtered the rabbit and had him for dinner. Also the abandoned and traumatized dogs they took in are a almost too big task for them. The boy is quite good with the animals, but the mom and sister do not care much. Now with the boy at university in Rome the animals are left alone with these 2 women. So there I had my second guess on the sanity of my action when I gave the kitten back to the boy. Was he taking the cat with him to Rome? Was the kitten staying with these women? I decided to keep an eye on it and ultimately offer to take in the cat myself if things would go wrong.

For a while I didn’t see the kitten when I walked by the house of the boy. The garage was always closed, so I figured that they had become responsible and waited with letting the cat go outside when it was more used to it’s surroundings and a bit bigger. They do live close to the main road that goes through the village. At dinner one time I mentioned to my kids this fact of seeing these neighbors as more responsible now. A. looked a bit weird at me and had this undecidable look in her eyes. Then she said, “The kitten is dead mom”. WHAT! I didn’t want to believe the words I just heard. I felt anger coming up. A. said, “See that’s why I hadn’t told you”. I was mad, mad at the world, mad at these people and in the end mad at myself. And that was the only point I could work with, the only point I could explore and change.

I was mad for believing the picture of the young man holding the kitten as if he was in love with the animal. I was mad that I hadn’t been using common sense, while I knew about this family’s history with animals. I knew that they were irresponsible with the kitten and I hadn’t acted upon that information. I wanted to believe, that this young man would care as an equal for this little creature so badly, that I didn’t see what was here presented to me. And that is a shitty experience, not knowing if I could have saved this kitten’s life.

During this same period I met at work a family where the mother of a family of 4 had a 15 year old daughter and a 5 year old. She, in public, was the most perfect mom I ever saw. Later I heard from my boss that the oldest daughter had found a listening ear in her. The 15 year old girl explained how she was the Cinderella of the family. Her stepfather, looking like Ken and working in the finance world, was headhunted by her mom to have a beautiful child with, her little half sister. The 5 year old would be given diamond necklaces while the oldest had to watch and hear that she wasn’t worthy of getting anything. During their stay in the country house of my boss, the oldest had to mop the floor, wash the towels, all kind of chores that are included in the price of the country house. When my boss told the mom that the girl didn’t had to do all of this since it was her job, the mom responded, no she has to do this it’s good for her discipline.

So the kitten story hit me just even more and the anger I felt after hearing about the death of the kitten was accelerated by the Cinderella story. So what did I learn from this? Whenever the picture presented to you is too good to be true, investigate what is really here, because you might allow and accept reality to fuck with you. And that isn’t bringing any orgasmic feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad when I heard the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my surroundings after hearing that the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at the owners of the kitten for their irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame the owners of the kitten for their irresponsable behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge the owners of the kitten for not taking real care of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the owners of the kitten for having animals without giving them basic care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the owners of the kitten for not seeing animals as their equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for not directing the situation while the facts were in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away on the rush and energetic feelings of the anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the anger as an excuse to not be aware in the moment when  A. told me that the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe that the kitten had died and instead choosing anger to hide my feelings of guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the death of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not acting in the best interest of all when it comes to the care of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for buying into positive pictures people present and try to sell to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that the death of the kitten had never taken place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a better owner of animals than the owners of the kitten and my neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of better and less within the care for animals.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of losing myself within the energetic rush of anger when I sense unfairness .I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as anger/ blame and judging others for my experience of myself and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.