Sylvia's writing to freedom

I directed myself and not the situation 06/02/2011

It took me about 10 years to get at the point where I’m at today, not knowing if this is the final stage or if it needs more fine tuning. I tried it through manipulating, directing, being more than, spreading fear, apathy, but it all led back to more of the same status quo I was in. The reality I had co-created wasn’t meeting up to my expectations and desires. Big time future projecting within ignorance and playing out my mother-construct.

Since my daughter A. was able to help organize her toys after playing with it I taught her to be responsible for these belongings. Quite soon I was facing my reality of cleaning up after A., because she was too small or had no interest in cleaning up what so ever. ¬† So I cleaned A.’s room every week and within an hour her room looked like there had been an explosion. I took it personal and ended up being frustrated and wasn’t to eager to start cleaning her room every week. I did so, but had to motivate myself in order to get it done. Then I came up with this capitalistic idea of offering A. a little amount of money when she cleaned up her room just before cleaning day. A plan that was to be doomed from the start since we learned A. that money wasn’t the highest form of happiness, the value of money represented within our world didn’t mean anything to her. I made up stories about dead and living insects in her room and initiated fear within A., this fear paralyzed her or wasn’t strong enough to act upon. I still do not know which of the two buttons I had pushed. At a certain point I felt that she was old enough and decided to give her the responsibility of cleaning up her room. Whenever the room was disentangled and the floor empty I would go in and vacuum and dust the room. This moment rarely arrived, maybe once in the 6 months. I pretended that it didn’t bother me as a mom or as a person. Obviously it did and I became quite apathetic to the whole situations and let it take it’s own path. I accepted and allowed this situation to continue and I wasn’t able to reach out to my child. I saw clearly that beside the mess in her room she also had a mess in her head which made life quite a challenge for her.

Now when I’m getting further in process I know that I can reach out to her, but only within equality. I saw one of Marlen’s video’s on how she had been able to clear this mess for herself, so I asked A. if she wanted to watch this video. She pertinently refused to watch this video. When possible I tried to open up this point together with A., but as long I was directing it, it didn’t work out. A few weeks ago I told A. that when she wanted to get rid of a lot of her fears and emotions she needs to clear her head and this can be done by physically¬† cleaning out the explosion of months in her room, she finally opened up and expressed that she resisted doing it all by herself. I told her that she only had to make an agreement with me and I would help her out organizing and clearing the fog. I was amazed but she asked me to help out, we scheduled yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s afternoon to get it done. I promised myself to not direct, manipulate or be more then A. I would take it within the moment breath by breath.

We went upstairs and I told A. that she was in charge of this mission and that we had to cooperate to get this done as equals. Normally I would announce my plans and order A. around as a mom. I said: “so where do we start what do we need?” Surprisingly A. summed up the things that she wanted, including a garbage bag. Throwing away anything has always been a hot issue. I first felt a bit strange almost suppressing myself to not direct the situation. After a while we’ve got the hang of it and we were happily eating ourselves through the mess. I was disentangling all the stuff on the floor and A. was sorting it out and throwing it in all the different boxes. The floor is clear now after day 2 and tomorrow we’ll sort out the drawers and get everything into place again. We had moments in which we were cold and didn’t want to continue anymore, but we pushed through. Already the first evening I noticed a clearness within A., she is happy and is asking herself why she hasn’t done this before.

I suggested A. to start writing on a regular basis and to create a blog for herself. She was really interested and my partner P. and I shared our experiences with blogging and how also writing can clear your head and see the things for what they are. Fears can be seen as fears and easily dismantled within self-honesty. Right now she is writing her first blog in English, her third language. I really enjoy my new way of sharing myself with A. and our new way of interacting with each other. I will not wander of in the future or get stuck in the past experiences we had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter in order to get her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct the situation of cleaning up A.’s room without directing myself in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than my child when it came to cleaning up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spread fear within my my child in order to manipulate her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter with money so she would take the baite and clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an outcome through manipulating my environment and not being one and equal to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my mother-costruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my desired results within A. cleaning up her room were not met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic about my self created situation within this cleaning issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order not to direct the situation, instead of seeing that being equal isn’t about suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or consider almost giving in to this feeling of giving up.

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From reacting to equality 13/01/2011

Tonight I worked together with my Partner P. on his blog. After not yet having answered the first e-mail P. received an extensive second e-mail from his brother yesterday. P. read it, we read it and the kids listened to it on their request. P. and I , we both had reactions, but we let it sink in to work with it later. That night in bed P. told me that he had quite some emotions and feelings to the presented information in the e-mail of his brother. I told him that he had to write about it to get a clear vision on what it is that’s bothering him. Today I realized that I should be more supportive for him than only telling him what to do. I need to be equal to him and work with him on the issues he has right now, I can’t let him do it all by himself and then commenting on it. When P. came home tonight I suggested to work together on the e-mail and to assist and support him in finding out why he has certain reactions and then in a later stage dig deeper.

 

While working together I realised that my extensive work through the SRA course has given me an advance on P. In fact this wasn’t a point of unequally or separation, just a cool point to help and push P. a little bit further then he would have done when dealing with it alone. Knowing that there is always more underneath the issue one is dealing with. We took baby steps, but it sure is a beginning. Sometimes when P. couldn’t reach out for the point he was looking for or dealing with and where I had an idea what it was all about, I searched within myself for a memory of events that explained the emotion or feeling we were possibly dealing with. Sometimes there was a connection and sometimes there wasn’t. Also this is a cool point to realize that we can only see things through our own eyes and in working together we search for memories/feelings/emotions to relate to each other and bring about a 1+1= 2 equation.

 

Within 15 years of marriage we have been talking things through extensively. Looking back on it now I can see the difference when you do it from the starting point of self-honesty and not to feed your ego to generate energy. This wasn’t the first conversation in this way, but it was the first time helping each other equally within self-honesty, instead of only reacting in self-honesty to each other. Communication without wanting something from the other, other than in the best interest for all. While P. worked through his points I worked through mine. Where this e-mail first was a point of changing my reality through emotions and feelings it’s now an e-mail and a point of few of someone who didn’t use the equality equation nor common sense. I’m no longer judging him for it or blame him for our twisted relationship. I will take responsibility for all my reactions and use that to see where still my ego rules.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for his opinions, instead of looking inside what my reactions are telling me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my ego and feel attacked on my personality when someone speaks his mind about me through another person while I know this isn’t true.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling less than the presented information and therefore wanting to take revenge on the writer to feel more than the presented information. While I know that equality can never be reached by participating within a polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsupportive towards P. last night.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not seeing me according to my picture of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated while not being able to communicate effective with P.’s family.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim of miscommunication and blaming myself for not being able to be effective enough.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge or blame my brother-in-law for our twisted relationship.