Sylvia's writing to freedom

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

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I did it, no reactions towards going to school 14/04/2011

This time I hadn’t been making up conversations in my mind of how to approach the teachers. I didn’t have this feeling of anxiety before even going to school. No pain in my stomach as a sign of being reluctant. I just went as if I had an appointment. Today and yesterday we had parent-meetings at school, which is basically an overload of waiting in line and listening to teachers talking in circles and only a few who are capable of making a distinction between students and not replaying the same judgements over and over again to all parents.

The kids were still at school for extra lessons, my son J. was waiting downstairs where the porter sits and my daughter A. went up with us. This way we could stand in line for three different teachers at the same time and A. filled in the place of the one that had to go inside the classroom. Very effective and this way we were ready in almost no time. Normally I do not go and talk with the teachers alone, I was always afraid I was missing out on something or totally not understanding the message. I’m over it, I found out that they rarely have really something to say, so why making a fuss over something like this. I understood what they said and was able to respond, maybe not in beautiful sentences, but the message got across.

All these years when a teacher told something about my child that was really no reality, I got mad and mean. Mad in my back chat and mean in my words. Did this help so far? Nope. So no valid strategy and time for another one. One teacher said that my son J. while doing a paper, had written his name and all the questions but no answers and handed it to this teacher. So I asked the teacher what J. his motives were, since I hadn’t seen J. that day at home and had not spoken to him yet. The teacher said he didn’t know why the paper was empty and J. didn’t fill in anything. I said this is to me weird behavior how come you as a teacher do not know J.’s motives for not responding to the questions? He said he simply didn’t know. I told him that I would find out why. When I spoke to J. he said he had answered the questions, but he hadn’t written much, simply because he didn’t recall it. In other words, he has to study more.

Then another teacher spoke about my daughter A. on how she had to score better on his subject and that he saw her grades go up and down. So I asked him if he knew why this happened and he said he didn’t have a clue. He had found out that A. was doing well in class, but within tests and homework she wasn’t able to perform. I said, maybe she isn’t able to apply the information. So I asked him how we were going to fix this problem since she is doing her exam this year. He said: she can come to me before or after class and ask questions if she wants.

So this was a cool new experience since I normally, when teachers were telling crap, immediately went into my back chat and became less open to hear what they were saying. The fact that most teachers and students have different truths, isn’t giving me the liberty to get mean and rude. Also this time I asked what we were going to do about certain problems to keep all of us within our responsibility. I just approached it in the moment and if a teacher wants to lie, he has to deal with the consequences himself. I cannot make him change his mind and I cannot take this personal. Defending my children as I always did is only making teachers angry. Then when they see my child they are reminded of me and they see my child in a negative way. Because going to these meetings is only to put positivity to the name of my child and show them that we care as parents. Never something constructives happend
within this kind of conversations. The current education system is simply not a place where they think about what’s best for all. We all know it, but don’t want to do anything about it. It simply is as it is.

While waiting in line some interesting things occurred. People were talking about the teachers and how they didn’t care anymore. How teachers were no longer teaching out of passion and no longer explaining till the student understood the materials. So I said that most teachers were seeing teaching as a job and not as a passion. It’s simply a way to make a living, so all about money.  People agreed. Then one dad said that it was better in the old days and that things had changed. I said, we also changed, we do not educate our children the way we were educated. So the result is another type of child/student and another type of teacher. One not necessarily better or worse than the other. Then another dad said: but in the end we educate our children the same way as our parents. And yes that’s pre-programming and following your download.

 

The dentist 09/03/2011

After breaking a tooth last Thursday, my partner P. finally got hold on the dentist on Friday. Just for financial reasons I wanted to go to this particular dentist, knowing by experience that he delivers good work for a fair price. The dentist had room for me on Tuesday, so I accepted the appointment and ate 5 days on one side of my mouth to avoid damaging more.

All days while waiting for my appointment, when the dentists was popping up in my mind, I felt calm. Normally, even for a check up, I had a lot of anxiety. Especially while waiting in the waiting room it was almost unbearable. Now while entering the waiting room I was just entering a waiting room. There was nobody in the waiting room except us and one patient inside the surgery room.

I asked P. to come along in case the dentist was going to ask me things I wouldn’t understand or in case I wasn’t able to explain. Also my daughter A. came along, just for the fun, she likes these things.

The patient who was in before us was ready to leave and the dentist said: “give me a second to clean up”, within that moment between thinking I’m going in but I actually wasn’t and the real going in, I felt a little bit of anxiety. This anxiety faded away once I was inside the surgery room and saw his familiar face. It had all to do with trust as I wrote about before.

I told him what happend and I was actually capable of doing so, before he had a look. He wasn’t alarmed about what he saw, he was more surprised to see my old amalgam filling. He explained to me that he was going to drill out the old filling and put some medication inside the hole and close it again with a paste. This was a temporary solution to avoid infection and within 10 days he will take out the paste and fill the hole with white composite filling and restore the piece that broke off.

While he was drilling I didn’t feel any anxiety for the amount of pain he would let me go through. No anxiety of not trusting him. Which made me see how much this trusting is of the mind. I trust people with whom I had good experiences and memories before and do not trust people who I had bad experiences and memories with before. So I was never ever in the moment while being at the dentists. While being in the moment for most of the time I saw that it was just drilling out a filling and through breathing I stayed in the moment and took it for what it was. Quite a new experience.

The first hour it felt as if he had put chewing gum into my tooth, but it hardend very quickly. I was glad I had gone to let it fix and not waited out of saving money till the point that it would have become even worse. I told P. that next time I would go all by myself, it wasn’t hard to find at all. It’s a 20 minute drive to a town in our area. That’s also a point of anxiety for me to drive somewhere new and keeping track of where I am.

I believe that I do not have a sense of direction, this belief is based on all the memories I gathered throughout my life. All those memories have been confirming the previous memories and that’s how I held this anxiety in position. I completely lose it when I see within my mind how to drive and all of a sudden there is this missing part and at the same time I can see how to drive next to the blanco part on my mind map. Or reality is inconsistant with the picture of the map in my mind. I’ll simply freak out and imagine to never come home again. Also this experience is so unnecessary, just slowing down and preparing myself so I know what I’m doing would be enough.

It’s time to deal with the past, slow down and seeing the things for what they are without any energetic attachments.

 

Am I crazy or communicating through objects with myself? 21/01/2011

Today I felt again anxiety and it was difficult to breathe, after half an hour I decided to investigate it briefly. I’m grateful for the support my body is giving me, but sometimes I long for ignorance and therefore no confrontation with myself. This state of mind doesn’t take long, considering the fact that hiding is a game where one eventually gets caught.

When I looked into this anxiety I found out that it had to do with me still seeking validation outside myself. Validation through what I do and not validating myself for who I am standing for life and as life. If I would validate myself standing as life I automatically would validate myself for what I do and therefore no need to seek it outside myself. Therefore what I would do wouldn’t be special, but simply an outflow. What has to be done has to be done. If what I do is in the best interest of all and that would make a difference in someone else’s life then I’m accumulating and adding something to this world. All again not special, simply honouring life for what it is. So I did self-forgiveness on all the points I could see in that moment. During today I had several moments in which I really had to say STOP, because this pattern had been accumulating over several weeks, months, I don’t know. It’s not something I can stop in a moment. The decision to stop it can be taken in a single moment the rest has to be walked in the physical.

Much later I had a confrontation with one fo my sewing machines, my serger. It’s not the first time and probably not the last. I in a way communicate with my serger, this sounds almost like saying: ” I’m hearing voices in my head and I see angels.” It’s not that I speak to my serger and he gives his perspective to me. It’s mostly me being preoccupied and in the mind, wanting to do my job quickly and taking all for granted. Then my serger refuses service and I have to troubleshoot and find out what’s wrong. This time, after quite some time searching for an answer, I found out that I had inserted one of the needles too low. The result was that all 4 tread’s were constantly tangled and I couldn’t see why. When I saw this point of the needle being too low I wondered why I hadn’t seen it before. Immediately I said to myself: “I’m tangled/confused and I have no idea what it’s all about, but the answer is obvious and in front of my nose.” My partner P. said that’s a nice title for a blog, but I dismissed the idea since I still didn’t know what I was talking about.

After I had spoken this sentence I looked at my computer and saw an e-mail from Esteni. She asked me to cross reference their information about my SRA payments with mine. In that moment I found out that I had been misunderstanding quite a lot about paying, payments, DIP and a message on my account. I was behind in my payments and I really dislike these kind of things. I normally make sure that these things don’t happen, so what happend here? I felt tangled and confused about all the information I had heard and read about it and I saw my lack of responsibility, the answer was right in front of my nose. I DIDN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, while I knew I was confused by the information given to me. My payment status said not to pay until a certain date, that didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t ask any questions, it was a matter of wishful thinking and brought me in this survival mode of the more money I wasn’t spending the longer we could live from it. Any ways I had already saved the money up and had it in place last year and had been holding it aside for the moment the payments after the holiday started again.

It’s not alright to frustrate the whole ‘I’ process project financially by not paying out of ignorance. I started judging myself for the fact that I had allowed and accepted my behavior of not taking action and not moving money. P. said to me that it didn’t help the situation by judging myself, I better had to fix it and pay what I had to pay and get it over with. And yes that’s what it was, I felt guilty and all Desteni asked of me was if their figures matched mine and if not to make sure that they do match. Nothing personal, nothing emotional or feeling based.

So there I had it , my confrontation with my serger. It all played out just after I realised what it was that the serger was communicating. Fascinating when one doesn’t keep communication exclusive for humans. We are a whole as planet Earth and all counts and all is equal and capable of helping each other to bring forth equality and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike paying too late to others and others to me, instead of seeing that this disliking is an indicator of what I do not accept within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tangled and confused after studying the financial DIP information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility when it came to informing myself about my financial status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask any questions and think that I could figure it out all lone by not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think wishful and not dealing with my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frustrate the ‘I’process financially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for getting myself in this situation of having a arrears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my behavior instead of being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this simple question of Esteni had anything to do with emotions and feelings or getting personal instead of seeing that this is how a business works.

 

The upper arm cyste, self denial 14/12/2010

Today I investigated the cyste on my underside of my upper arm it’s there already for 7 years. What kind of system within my system is this cyste representing?

 

Through muscle communication I tested out of a book the word self-denial. Immediately I got oppressed, when my eye got a glimpse of this word I felt a shock through my body. A feeling of ooh noo. I breathe and slow down, this reaction I need to investigate.

 

The self denial is connected to the word anxiety as in desiring. What am I desiring for where is this anxiety about? I tested the word serpent in the dictionary. The serpent refers to the anxiety, but what is the serpent standing for? The serpent is standing for love, love as love is portrait in our current world. So I’m searching for fake love within anxiety knowing that the love isn’t real, but it must fill the gap that my self denial has caused. I am not willing to face that I’m denying myself. This is also connected to the word unworthy/worthless that I’ve been working with. It also connects to the search for self validation outside of me that some times can be quite compulsive, feeling down when I get no outside stimuli for validation. The thing is that I now can see myself do these things I see the pattern, but it’s like an octopus, it has so many tentacles and is interconnecting at so many areas.

 

But why am I denying  myself in the first place? I tested the feeling nobleness and game through the dictionary out at the following: I’m judging myself as the lowest rank, so back again at not being worth anything.

 

And this strong physical reaction I had when I saw the word self denial, had that to do with the feeling of being exposed? Yes, it was me exposing myself in full awareness. Okay, it’s all not extremely new to me since I dealt already over the past few weeks with this topic. I need to do more self forgiveness on other areas as which I already worked with. In a way it’s cool and assisting to find every time a part of the puzzle.

 

I’m calm again and I can see the self denial for what it is. It’s here now in full awareness so now I can deal with what is here. Am I participating within the polarity of indifference and being fully aware? Yes, I’m indifferent about the fact that I do deny myself out of no self validation or self worth. I had to test this question in a slightly different way than the question I presented here. I asked if I was indifferent about the fact that I denied myself. With the first question I knew I was dishonest, I felt like I didn’t want to go to that part of me, but there is no such thing as not feeling like it. I’m my own directive principle and I direct myself in honesty and expose where ever I’m dishonest, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be shocked about the word self denial, knowing that it had to show up sometime somewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being exposed and ashamed for it at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and not being completely self honest with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to all, therefore I need to stand one and equal with myself first.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as less and unworthy and therefore not fully accept myself and not giving myself unconditional support within self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to love as it exist in our current world to fill this gap I feel inside within denying myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can find self validation outside myself, instead of knowing that I need to fully accept myself in order to be equal to me and all and that’s what love is about.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within a session that stood for being self honest.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel like facing myself, that’s pure dishonesty and I will not allow that from myself. I’m my directive principle and that’s the only certainty that I have.

 

 

 

I have been taken hostage… 04/09/2010

I have been taken hostage by my own mind and I didn’t do anything about it. I manipulated my inner and outer world and knew there was something smelling fishy, but didn’t do anything. Now I’ll stand and do a chart on one of my mind control issues.

Chart 30/8/2010 event 1: Having my menstruation while a “social” event outside the house takes place.

The temptation of resentment takes me into the defense mechanism as the personality of: Self-realizer.

The resentment for doing these “fun” events outside the house make me go into a defense mechanism of knowing there is something that needs to be corrected and there’s a pattern that needs to be stopped and directed. Till now I haven’t corrected myself within this pattern and didn’t apply the knowledge that I gained through years of experience. The fear of loss was too extensive and real to me to be able to do something about it. The only thing I did so far was manipulating situations wherein I was having my menstruation. Going out dancing, but not feeling secure about myself. I left early or didn’t go and justified it with me having my menstruation. Going to other peoples houses and bring them a visit, but not being really comfortable with these people. I justified me not wanting to go to these people with a whole lot of reasons, but the most inconvenient was my menstruation. Going camping and always having my period no matter when we planned the trip. I think I do like camping, but I do not like having to go to dirty toilets, showering in dirty showers, cooking in most inconvenient situations and sleeping uncomfortable in the tent. So I probably do not like camping after all. Why should one put oneself through such an experience when one has far more luxury at home. What kind of sick entertainment is this? These are only a few examples, but there are many many of them.

I did not only manipulated the situation, but also my own body. I manipulated the situation and my body out of fear to lose control over my own life. I didn’t allowed myself to explore new situations in which I felt a lot of anxiety, so I could see for myself that I was able to breathe through those experiences and nothing would have happened to me. The moments that I did leave my safe home the fear made it impossible for me to enjoy myself. This fear of maybe not being in control over my life has always been consuming me totally. The basic fear behind the fear of not being in control is fear of loss.

Now I see how powerful my creative powers are I need to stop this pattern and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resent activities outside my safe home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being all by myself outside my safe home and therefore resenting activities outside the house.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear new situations outside my safe home and thinking I’ll lose control over myself when in a new situation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that unknown situations are unsafe and making me lose control over my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control means the end of me, death.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe my resentment for new situations is something real and therefore I’ve to justify this believe by confirming it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this feeling of resentment for the unknown situations is real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have these feelings of losing control and not seeing that those feelings are a deception and therefore a distraction of what is real.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of fearing to lose control. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m fearing to lose myself. I stop and realise that losing myself is impossible. I haven’t been able to proof to myself that losing myself is real and standing the test of time and therefore it is not valid. I no longer participate within this pattern when I’m confronted with it and breathe through my own deception.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not correct myself within this pattern of fearing to lose control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my inner and outer world while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear me and my creative powers while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to  limit myself within exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to loss myself while exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety when I’m in “social” experiences, unknown and known.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when outside my safe house within a “social” experience.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of control when enjoying myself within “social” experiences.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of limiting myself out of fear of loss.I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that exploring/allowing/enjoying myself within social events isn’t going to make me lose myself. Whenever I see this pattern, I stop, I breath and I will not participate within it.