Sylvia's writing to freedom

Raped through my own back chat 19/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 13:09
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This morning I had the weirdest dream ever, one with a lot of symbolism that showed me how back chat* can literally fuck with us to the extent of rape. I never had dreams about being raped and this wasn’t really about the physical act of being raped, more about the consequences and why it came to this point.

I was at a fair in a building where there were many spaces and all were decorated/furnished like little cafe’s,  so basically catering like settings all furnished with dark wood and almost no light. I spoke to people who I never had met before, I was there with people who I didn’t know at all. I remember feeling a bit out of place, almost like “what am I doing here”.

The dream switched to the point that I awoke within my dream, not sure where I was. Within a few seconds I knew I wasn’t in my own bed and then I realized I wasn’t in a bed either. I still had my eyes closed, pretending to sleep and too afraid to open my eyes to disturb the person I felt was in the room with me. Not knowing if there was real danger to look out for. I heard the other being dressing him/herself and I decided to act as if I awoke at that moment. Then I saw that I was lying on the floor of one of those cafe’s wearing black lace fancy panties and and a bra. Undergarments I never wear myself and when I looked up I looked in the face of an acquaintance of my partner and myself. He looked down on me while zipping his pants and he laughed at me like a mad man. He said something like, so this dirty job has been done. Within that moment I exactly knew what he was talking about, he raped me and I couldn’t remember anything except for having a sore anus. He disappeared and a cleaning lady entered the cafe looked at me at the floor and let me be while cleaning the room.

I dressed and looked for the people I didn’t know, with whom I had gone to this fair. I didn’t see them, but I met new people that I didn’t know. When I looked at a clock I saw it was already noon and I was supposed to be home the evening before. A thought went through my mind about how my partner and kids must be worried by now. So I tried to get a ride home from someone, still feeling dirty, unreal and not ready to talk about what had happend.

There was one lady who said that she wanted to bring me home, so I stayed with her till she decided to leave the fair. This lady wasn’t ready to leave soon so I started to become more worried and longing to be home already feeling the arms of my partner around me to comfort me. I remember going from one room to another almost loosing my patience. Then I met someone that was living in my neighborhood who also needed a ride home so I asked the lady if she also was willing to take the lady from my neighborhood with her. “Yes no problem she said”, but still didn’t go home.

Another jump in the dream placed me at home. Although it didn’t look like home, everybody was out in the streets, sitting in little groups talking to each other and having a great time. At a certain point I found my partner and I felt a relief, though I wasn’t able to get his attention. I wasn’t able to speak to him alone and I wasn’t planning to go public with my experience of being raped. Between the moment I awoke in the cafe and now being “home” I had done some investigation about the why and how of what had happened to me.

The man that apparently raped me is a man on which I had a lot of back chat. So I knew I had fucked myself by participating within back chat and it had fucked me right in the ass. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t know anything about being raped, not even about meeting this guy on the fair where I knew nobody. I was speculating whether he had put something in my drink, without me seeing him. There were still a lot of questions, but one thing was clear, I had created this myself and I knew that perfectly well. I felt dirty but not in a way as being the victim, it was perfectly clear to me that I was walking my own consequential outflow of this particular back chat and I had to walk it within my physical till it was done.

The main back chat I had about this man and his wife were related to my relationship with my partner P. This couple was claiming my partner too much in my perspective and instead of investigating this point within me I took it the most coward way and started having back chats about them. I already worked with this point, but there was still a little poisoning tale of the snake left.

I never had sexual fantasies about this man, although he is still good looking for his age according to society, I felt this antipathy for him based on my back chat. So he was a symbol in my dream of a man that I didn’t desire to have sex with and therefore standing as a nasty example of consequential outflow, when looking at the back chat. Finding out that I had performed anal sex with him was a point of disgrace to me. Having read a lot about it lately through investigating the abuse within the porn industry, anal sex is the lowest form of sex/disgrace for a woman in my opinion. Then not knowing anybody at the fair was a symbol of separation, I separated myself through back chat from reality. Furthermore I had no transportation myself while being at the fair, this point is a symbol for not directing my own physical reality while participating within back chat. Also this man stood for the system, he has a really good job within the system and represents the power of money. While I was roaming the fair in total separation from reality/ the system, the system took me from behind. And then not being able to reach out to my partner which equals to my separation to such an extend that I became an observer and not able to enter reality and direct myself in the best interest of all.

So rape stood for manifesting my own consequences. Anal sex stood for the disgrace of participating within back chat and being ashamed about it yet not ready to let fully go. The black lace underwear stood for temptation, the temptation to choose back chat over reality. The environment/setting in which it took place is also a point of temptation and asking for consequences, since I connect cafe’s with hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility. To me that’s a negative point and something I would not do within my reality yet within back chat there is neither any self-responsibility. The darkish environment stood for not standing day light, back chat is that secret inner talk that doesn’t stand day light due to it’s evil nature.

All in all a weird dream, bringing up points that I already  had been working on. Though by no longer being confronted with this person the back chat was no longer there. But that’s the tricky part and a subtle difference between not being there or no longer within my conscious daily living. If I dislike eating cauliflower, I stop eating it and claim that I no longer have problems with cauliflower,that moment I am entering this grey area of dishonesty. So I hadn’t really dealt with this back chat to the extent of it no longer being within my mind directing me. The source was simply no longer there to fuel my back chat, but the back chat was still there waiting for me to pick up there where I had left. There is even a possibility that whenever someone else would enter my reality with the same trigger points I had with this man of my dreams, that this type of back chat would transfer onto the next person.

This definitely was a wake up call for me to understand that back chats are only gone when they no longer occur in whatever form. Therefore it’s more the signature/origin of the back chat that counts than the person or situation it’s attached to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel antipathy for a man by not facing/directing my physical reality and therefore generating back chat towards this man while in fact it was me not coping with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with rape within my dream for having back chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgrace/shame about having anal sex, instead of seeing that I had disgrace/shame about my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the urge to humiliate myself within my dream with symbols that are standing for disgrace/humiliation in order to wake myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality through my participation within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I’m not my directive force when participating within back chat and nevertheless participate within back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money. (this is an old point that is coming in here, which indicates that there are still points to consider)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money through participating within the polarity of not having money and therefore desiring money. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than the money system after being out of the system and not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality through back chat to such an extent that I’m not able/knowing anymore how to reach out to reality while being an observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that anal sex is equal to shame/deisgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that black lace underwear is equal to temptation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that cafe’s equal to hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that, hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility, is a negative point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within back chat and not facing reality.

*Back chats are all the thoughts we have within our mind related to our outer world, mostly attached to a person or situation. The back chat within our mind reality is decorated with emotions/feelings/reactions. It’s a way to deal with our physical reality from the perspective of our mind, in reality it’s a way to separate ourselves from our physical realty out of the fear to face ourselves within our physical reality.

 

The double face of the Italian “mama” 28/05/2011

While chatting with my daughter A. in the garden, I shared a story with her about our next door girl. I watched an abusive event a couple of days ago. The window of my studio overlooks the garden and the front door of my neighbors. This event is a story out of many that I witnessed during my stay in Italy over the last 5 years. The vicious face of “la mama” within families and parenting in general within traditional Italian society. Maybe one has to be an out stander of Italian tradition and upbringing to see and point out when discipline and parental love are nothing more than abuse.

I looked up while working in my studio, when I heard the click of the front door of my neighbor’s house. My neighbor left the house, seemingly hasty, with a letter and car keys in her hands. While this tall skinny lady swirled like a light feather down her stairs, the front door closed with a bang. She turned around and fire was coming from her eyes. She went up the stairs again, however this time she climbed it in a rude and male way. With one turn of the key she opened the front door on a crack and screamed through the crack at her daughter. The 11 year old daughter and only child, was alone in the house.The mom, my neighbor, yelled at her child that she wasn’t allowed to slam the door. The rest of the screaming I wasn’t able to decode, but it was certainly not a nice chat between mother and daughter. My neighbor closed softly the front door again and left the house on her way to her car. Through the small, but tall window next to the front door, I saw the little girl standing with her head down and arms hanging beside her body, attached to the glass for several minutes. Eventually she moved herself back into the living room. These rage attacks of her mom are common and sometimes more than one at a day. To me this is abuse, for Italians in general this is normal life. The “mama” is the boss within the house and rules with a firm hand, no one is allowed to argue with that.

I asked A. for her perspective on this event and she confirmed that this is indeed “normal” behaviour for our neighbor. Where my other neighbor, a lady from Albania, goes into possessive anger, the anger of the Italian “mama” has always been in this vicious way. So in fact nothing new, although within the light of our current world, possession is only 1 step further. 1 Back chat too much and Italian “mama’s” are feed for journalists and tv-shows. Even murder is only 1 back chat away. Abusing your child and emotionally scarfing them for life is unacceptable. What living example are you as a mother when you rule with the tool of fear? How can we expect these girls to be different from their mothers when their only experience is one of being hit and yelled at? When is Italy going to step out of their traditions that clearly do more harm than good?

Then A. told me about last Sunday when she went rock climbing with 2 girls and their dad. She had not yet spoken about it. When I asked how the climbing had been she only told me about her climbing results. The dad of the girls had been quite abusive in his language towards the daughters. He presumed them as lazy and bad climbers, while they’re absolutely not. Climbing is this dad’s passion and how such things go within families, the children are exposed to it and join in. These girls are teenagers and it wouldn’t be a surprise if they rather stay in bed than hanging from a cliff at 8:30 on Sunday morning. The attitude of this man towards his daughters had left such an impression on A. that she had tears in her eyes while speaking about it. How can a dad be so mean, she asked. Frustration I said, this dad wants his kids to be even better than than he is. It’s only an idea, a picture in his mind and when reality does not meet with his fantasy he gets pissed. And being pissed at his kids as an Italian dad seems to us like abuse. I even dare to say that it is abuse, because the equality equation cannot be made within most of these kind of incidents.

When you look at the reactions of Italian kids you know that it is abuse. I once saw pure fear in the eyes of a girlfriend of A. She and A. had been playing outside in the rain and were completely wet. To me no problem, change clothes and the issue is solved. This girl however feared the hands of her mother so much that she went into a total panic attack. She could reassure us that she was going to be hit by her mom for being wet and even a little bit dirty. At first we couldn’t believe her, but it didn’t take long for us to find out that it was exactly as the girl had told us.

Recently I read some stories written by an Italian lady where she tells how her mother would hit her in the face. At home or in front of people and only to release her frustrations. She pointed it out as typical Italian behaviour, for a mom it’s her right to do so. Maybe this behaviour occurs also in other Southern European countries or Latin countries that have a matriarch system. I have no idea, my experience is within the Italian culture and that’s my only starting point for sharing these stories.

For me this point of aggressive verbal and physical abuse is quite a difficult point to cope with. I simply cannot allow or accept any form of abuse, though when this point is discussed the players of the game do not understand what I’m talking about. That’s how it is and that’s how we do it, they say. It’s the always the same and repeating answer on my question. Abusive behaviour by parents isn’t exclusively for Italians, but Italian culture allows abuse to be in their midst. Humanity will not be killed by mysterious elite groups, humanity will distinct by their own doing if they do not change. Denying abuse for what it is, is denying our own dark side, which doesn’t make it go away. Abuse is abuse and therefore unacceptable.

 

Multitasking or not? 11/05/2011

It’s already my third or fourth blog on this subject, however the point is opening up now and revealing more of its origin. It’s the point of learning Italian. I really wanted to start with translating English into Italian, but I have to realise that it was a desire that blew myself back into reality. I’m simply not ready to translate without totally being corrected afterwards. The idea I had formed was tempting, I figured that through translating the language of equality I would become able to write and speak the equality language in Italian. Just immediately skipping the unequal words so I won’t have to deal with so much word definitions as I would have by learning the language as it is within daily life society.

I noticed again that I didn’t progress with my understanding or speaking of the Italian language. One day I sat in the car and decided to trace the heavy feeling that accompanied my lack of progress. The word laziness popped up right away, I was surprised, within my perception I’ve been working and trying real hard to master  the language. That’s in fact so true, I’ve been moving myself as if I walked through a swamp. Heavy and almost too much effort to enjoy it any longer. I felt resistance and didn’t recognize that it was me holding me back.

I also felt ashamed for being lazy. There are so many things I put lots of effort in and those things succeed, progress. So if I’m lazy on this point that means that I do not take fully my responsibility. Ouch, that hurts, not fully taking my responsibility means that also ego is interfering within this point. Mmmm, I wasn’t expecting to find ego within this point of struggling to master a new language. So I’m not fully taking my responsibility while swimming up the mud flows and not getting any further. I must have known that there was something smelling fishy.

Then I read a chat with Bernard and saw his words saying that one cannot study and absorb information while having a back chat about it. This was just the nail on his head. Not that I was yet fully admitting it to myself, but I had noticed that I had a hard time absorbing the materials in order to learn the language. Bernard’s words meant that we cannot do 2 things at the time and when we have a back chat running then all is inferior to that. So when the back chat is running there is no ability to learn the Italian language.

Therefore I had to look into my back chat, what kind of back chat do I have about the Italian language. Wow, I’d better not ask myself, because that was the mud flow I was swimming against. My back chat was the following: Why should I learn a language when I have to talk bullshit and weather talk with people I do not want to talk with in the first place. Why should I learn the language of a country that has an asshole like Berlusconi in power, a population that puts the pope and television above common sense, a nation that is fucked up within religion and tradition. Do I want to compromise myself with such a country by learning and speaking the language of fascists?

So I have extensive back chat about the language and criticism about the nation and population, yet I do want to live in Italy and enjoy living in a small town in Central Italy. That’s quite dishonest to say the least and really something to tackle. If Italian society is making me puke, where do I need to go and find a country to live where the principle of what’s best for all is already applied for 100%? I better get the hell on with learning the language to become effective and able to be part of the change. The change that no matter what, will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boycot myself by preferring to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to speak and write the Italian language in such an extent that I can be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest and not really wanting to learn the language for spiteful reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards Italians and Italy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully take my responsibility when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and lazy and not wanting to see that it’s the back chat I’m dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego have a say in learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my laziness when it comes to learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the back chat about the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak/write equality Italian.

 

It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.

 

Running back chat and inner conflict about pills and alcohol 18/04/2011

My friends G. & I. were visiting us. They are a Dutch couple that owns a second home here in the village. We take care of the house when it comes to official phone calls for gas, electricity and water. In summer we welcome their guests who stay in their house and afterwards I clean and wash the bedding and towels. They once said after taking us out for dinner that they wanted to strengthen the relationship by having also a social relationship with us. I wasn’t really searching for such a thing, but merely following the money. Not so much greed just pleasing my bosses so to speak. It’s a tiny bit of money we make on it and every summer the amount of guests differs.

Right away I had, while being in conversation and speaking to G., the lady of the couple, a vivid back chat going on. In a way I felt compromised by the money I decided to follow. So I didn’t really speak up and when I did I could clearly see that we were living in separate worlds. Every time we saw each other I felt quite shitty afterwards, did my self-forgiveness, but didn’t see how to combine the role as “friend” and “worker”. Both roles I had forced myself into through the need of money.

Within the last few conversations we had I saw their opinions change and also their view on the world, but still from a luxurious position. They started to see the fucked-upness around them. He’s out of work and probably already too old to get on the working force again, but still enjoying an unemployment benefit. The reaction of I. on his new situation and new view of the world is that of wanting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Only wanting to look at their own little world and living situation is what the new input does with them.

I started to be more in control while being with them, meaning not the few euros being my motivation to stand or not stand within conversation. Our last encounter was really challenging me. At a certain point G. told me that she had stopped drinking alcohol due to medication and according to her it hadn’t been a big deal. Which surprised me since they found always an occasion to drink a few glasses of wine. So my back chat didn’t believe her while my poker face was straight. Then she told me that she stopped her anti-depressants to get rid of the medication. As a teacher in a girls prison her students had asked her what was wrong. Even one had said: G. you can get medication for your condition you know. That was it, for her. When she came home she took a pill and decided not to stop with the anti-depressants when considering it again. The same day she started drinking alcohol again, because according to her, alcohol and pills would not harm her.

This triggered a whole shit load of back chat within me. Like opening the box of Pandora. How can she think that pills and alcohol will not harm her. Look how dishonest she is, I’ve seen her like this before. She thinks that she’s fucking on top of her life, but look what a fuck up. She lost a breast due to breast cancer, had plastic surgery to recreate a new breast. How can she not respect her own body. And then my inner struggle started. I wanted to speak to her about the risks of what she was doing and had been doing, yet I saw no possibility to talk about this to someone who thinks she’s God herself. Sacred. I wanted to speak yet I felt physically incapable to speak. In the end I didn’t say anything and left myself with a horrible feeling of having failed. She seemed doing more than okay and on top of the world and in a way I was blaming her for my shitty feelings.

So what is it that I want to save such a person that obvious is not seeing the need for being saved. I feel like shit, because I clearly know more about alcohol, or probably we both know the same only she doesn’t take it as a warning and doesn’t take her responsibility. Her breast cancer says already enough about how less she cares about herself. Can one save such a being? Is it worth to allow myself for having these kind of nasty back chat and reep the fruits from it? I should simply stick to common sense without feelings/emotions/fears when I speak to her and reflect back to her what she is saying or simply stop these kind of conversations. Nothing can justify back chat and nothing is worth it. When I compromise myself I’m doing the same as her, the same thing I want to save her from. Maybe it’s time to focus on me, instead of deluding myself within savior perils.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fake relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised by the money, while it was me who decided to step into this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty about forcing myself into the role of friend and worker at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money make my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at their financial status while I. was unemployed just like my partner P. while I. was receiving welfare and we none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge I. for wanting to separate himself from the world, instead of seeing that we are in this situation due to separating ourselves from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge G. for disregarding her body and compromising herself, while I see that also within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous in a way at them for being quite ignorant and enjoying life while having a second home, just traveled to Hong Kong, visiting Italy every month etcetera, while I do not accept ignorance anymore and see the fucked-upness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than G. due to understanding what pills and alcohol do to one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having failed in saving her from disinformation or believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame G. for the shitty feelings I had cerated and accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save someone else while I’ll have to focus first on  myself and save myself first in order to reach out to others who want to be assisted and supported.

 

Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy 16/04/2011

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.

 

Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.