Sylvia's writing to freedom

Multitasking or not? 11/05/2011

It’s already my third or fourth blog on this subject, however the point is opening up now and revealing more of its origin. It’s the point of learning Italian. I really wanted to start with translating English into Italian, but I have to realise that it was a desire that blew myself back into reality. I’m simply not ready to translate without totally being corrected afterwards. The idea I had formed was tempting, I figured that through translating the language of equality I would become able to write and speak the equality language in Italian. Just immediately skipping the unequal words so I won’t have to deal with so much word definitions as I would have by learning the language as it is within daily life society.

I noticed again that I didn’t progress with my understanding or speaking of the Italian language. One day I sat in the car and decided to trace the heavy feeling that accompanied my lack of progress. The word laziness popped up right away, I was surprised, within my perception I’ve been working and trying real hard to master  the language. That’s in fact so true, I’ve been moving myself as if I walked through a swamp. Heavy and almost too much effort to enjoy it any longer. I felt resistance and didn’t recognize that it was me holding me back.

I also felt ashamed for being lazy. There are so many things I put lots of effort in and those things succeed, progress. So if I’m lazy on this point that means that I do not take fully my responsibility. Ouch, that hurts, not fully taking my responsibility means that also ego is interfering within this point. Mmmm, I wasn’t expecting to find ego within this point of struggling to master a new language. So I’m not fully taking my responsibility while swimming up the mud flows and not getting any further. I must have known that there was something smelling fishy.

Then I read a chat with Bernard and saw his words saying that one cannot study and absorb information while having a back chat about it. This was just the nail on his head. Not that I was yet fully admitting it to myself, but I had noticed that I had a hard time absorbing the materials in order to learn the language. Bernard’s words meant that we cannot do 2 things at the time and when we have a back chat running then all is inferior to that. So when the back chat is running there is no ability to learn the Italian language.

Therefore I had to look into my back chat, what kind of back chat do I have about the Italian language. Wow, I’d better not ask myself, because that was the mud flow I was swimming against. My back chat was the following: Why should I learn a language when I have to talk bullshit and weather talk with people I do not want to talk with in the first place. Why should I learn the language of a country that has an asshole like Berlusconi in power, a population that puts the pope and television above common sense, a nation that is fucked up within religion and tradition. Do I want to compromise myself with such a country by learning and speaking the language of fascists?

So I have extensive back chat about the language and criticism about the nation and population, yet I do want to live in Italy and enjoy living in a small town in Central Italy. That’s quite dishonest to say the least and really something to tackle. If Italian society is making me puke, where do I need to go and find a country to live where the principle of what’s best for all is already applied for 100%? I better get the hell on with learning the language to become effective and able to be part of the change. The change that no matter what, will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boycot myself by preferring to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to speak and write the Italian language in such an extent that I can be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest and not really wanting to learn the language for spiteful reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards Italians and Italy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully take my responsibility when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and lazy and not wanting to see that it’s the back chat I’m dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego have a say in learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my laziness when it comes to learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the back chat about the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak/write equality Italian.

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Political clown or womanizer? 20/02/2011

Berlusconi, the oldster that directs the country that I live in is a man that represents the polarity of adoration and hatred. The majority of Italians adore him for the life he lives and the power he has and they long for the same kind of life. The minority hates him for destroying the country and the countries name on the world map. I may watch and have a whole lot of opinions, but my vote against him will not be heard as a foreigner living in Italy. I do not hate him nor adore him, I will only speak of what I see.

I see a man that is holding on to the memories of the good life he once had, still wanting to be the casanova of many years ago while his expiration date is since long expired. Buying all and everybody that is venal just to still this fear of losing his power. Fearing to lose his life where he pulls the strings, losing that what he determines as himself. Now life starts consuming him in a rapid way he grabs around him to take that what still reminds him of himself. He will always put himself first, he needs to be occupied with himself, consumed with himself in order to  constantly confirm himself that he’s still alive and not passed away in such a sneaky way that he didn’t notice the fact that he has diminished. What would you do when you were in the shoes of Berlusconi, driven by money, sex and power in order to feel alive? I would hate myself and fear the day that my people, the same people as where I am one of, would expose my fear of losing myself.

So by seeing how Berlusconi became who he is, I see that he isn’t capable of doing good for his country and the Italians in it, he’s incapable of doing good for the Europeans or doing good for the citizens of the world. The US thinks of him as a political clown and he’s aside from his sex scandals with minor girls being exposed on Wikileaks. He offended his European colleagues many times and is not really beloved around the globe. Although the man’s image is damaged nationally and internationally, he still thinks that he can be in office till the next elections in 2013. The majority of Italians that do belief the information they get from Berlusconi’s tv channels, newspapers and magazines keep on voting for him in parlement. In other words, we keep on going with this misery, only based on an image we have of somebody else and the image this person has of himself.

If we were only able to see why we think that we know a person by only knowing a few things about him, this world would not be the same as today. Whenever we are introduced to a new person we scan them in a few seconds and have a complete opinion and picture about this person. My picture of Berlusconi is coloured through my own memories and experiences. To me someone in his seventies isn’t the person that will lift up a country and isn’t still capable of being more then the sum of his memories. To me a person that needs validation from outside sources such as money, sex and power to be someone isn’t your man to rule the country. To me he’s a zombie who is ruling over zombies, which makes me a zombie too. So Berlusconi represents to me a nasty picture that I do not like, which makes every mistake he makes into a big misstep to me. If my picture of him was quite positive, a few mistakes wouldn’t have bothered me so much and I would give him a next chance.

We think we know each other while we not even know ourselves. Although I know 1 thing when I or someone else doesn’t pass the equality equation and isn’t acting in the best interest of all, over and over again, then such a person needs to be removed from the position he/she is in. Due to not knowing ourselves and all the others around us is disturbing enough in itself, but we may not let that cause situations of inequality. Several groups have gone protesting in the streets of Italy, making noise with pots and pans, but it will not change anything as long as we do not understand why our world is our world the way it is. Italy could be a potential candidate for riots, we already had some, but non as severe as Egypt and Tunisia. We are a 1st world country where a lot of people live in poverty and a minor group like our Berlusconi live in paradise or should I say: their home made hell.

 

Fair Trade? 27/12/2010

In 2007 I started a little business within the black economy. For many years I was making handmade gifts for birthdays of friends and classmates of my kids. People asked me why I didn’t start a little business out of it and then I asked myself the same question. Why shouldn’t I? Back in Holland it was easy to start a business and taxes were quite fair, here in Italy on the other hand Berlusconi has made regulations wherein it is almost impossible for little businesses/free-lancers to survive. One pays easily more taxes than one earns, so one has to get a loan to pay ones taxes. The people complains, but Berlusconi keeps on being populair. Why the majority here in Italy so fateful, adoring the man who has all that they envy and all they want and they’re not willing to stand up and stop this man from destroying our country? I can only guess for the motives people have. So I started a business within the black economy, even accountants advised me to not register my business. For the law these businesses are not being properly labeled and therefore the tax box you’re belonging to is that of a normal size business and the taxes don’t fit the sales volume.

Moving within the black economy was moving within secrecy, something I didn’t feel comfortable with. I decided to stay low profile, organize Tupperware like parties at women’s houses with their own invited friends. That wasn’t easy, because it was something people are not used to do. Don’t go against the traditions and how people do things here in Italy, because one will fail. I wasn’t willing to give in so easily, but in the end I had to. When we moved into a bigger house I had my own space where I made a studio and I also started offering garments repairs and dressmaking services. I did exhibit my gifts in the studio where I received my customers for the garments repairs.

How did I start off? I launched my first product at a very low price and promoted it at the local stores so they could do some advertising for me. The grocery store did a lot of word of mouth and in one of the local wine bars I had my own glass case. My first product was a simple velt handbag with an animal sewed on it and the tail were the handles of the bag. My price was €14,50, the material costs were €5,- and the labour 8 hours. Here the price for such undeclared work is €8,- per hour, so in total the handbag would have been €69,-. I wanted a fair price to convince people buying my products. The question after 3 years I’m asking myself now is: was it a fair price? I didn’t count my own labour or cost of maintenance for my sewing machines.

I forgot a few essential points. The price of my product wasn’t that relevant in the end, if people want my products they’re going to buy it anyways. I was bribing my customers with the wrong bate. I was trying to do business outside the system with the wrong type of business. The black economy is for the big boys who sell drugs, white washing money, to go short; the Maffia. I was going against the capitalistic system and didn’t want to play along with the game for no reason at all, yes I wanted to fair trade, make a win win situation. But was I? I wasn’t paying any taxes, I didn’t get paid for my labour and made unrealistic prices. There is no common sense here.

Why was I abusing myself in such a way? I tried to survive and make a living. I was afraid that people weren’t going to buy my products, I accepted all requests and tried to think of all kinds of psychological ways to convince people into buying irresistible products. I was selling myself out and feared not being seen as good and kind and therefore not selling my products. People loved to watch my products and liked to try on my shawls, hats and bags just for the fun of it. That made me bitter while in need of money, it’s so easy to take these things as personal and get bittered.

Within an Equal Money System I would never consider to start such a business, I probably had continued making gifts for people because I enjoyed making these personal gifts. I participated within a system where we produce all kinds of products that are not of any use or purpose. Products that are only responding to the greed of people, what a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abused myself for the sake of surviving.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not making enough money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find the soft spot of greed into people to work with while making new products.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being seen as good and kind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest in not paying taxes although I wouldn’t have been capable of paying them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go against the capitalistic system in order to fair trade.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bitter at people when they weren’t willing to buy my products.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ask a ridiculous low price out of fear not to sell.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself while trading within secrecy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within producing useless greedy luxury products.

 

How can I not see the importance? 09/11/2010

How can I not see the importance of learning Italian? For quite some time now, to be precise 4 years, I’ve been doing a lot of smooth talking about why I wasn’t able to learn Italian on a certain level. The importance to learn Italian is now unfolding to me more and more. How could I be so blind? Through writing this question out, I see that I’m blaming myself knowing that blaming won’t turn back the clock and isn’t an action of self direction.

Before we immigrated I did a course for about one and a half year in Holland. We mainly learned how to be able to speak Italian on a holiday, so I had a base, but it didn’t provide me with a practical use of the language for day to day living. So I labeled the course as insufficient and not what I was looking for. Finger pointing of course and shoving off responsibility. Since many years I tell myself that I don’t have a big talent for learning languages, like my mom. It’s obvious that I lived this opinion, but I haven’t changed anything about it till so far.

I was told that most villages in Italy have free Italian courses. The town we moved to didn’t have the courses anymore. I started to study my old books again and used dvd’s from a friend, but I didn’t have any real commitment. Than a friend of us, who is also school teacher, was willing to give private lessons twice a week. I did this for about a year, my Italian improved, but still no 100% commitment and I had really high expectations of myself. Of course I didn’t live up to my expectations, so back to blaming myself again. Useless of course and again not a real motivation to direct myself. We moved to another village and I started free lessons at the town hall twice a week. I met a lot of nice people who were in my class, but I didn’t learn anything new and I started to get bored with the lessons. A total lack of responsibility here. It’s me who has to make such an event into something worthwhile for me, I can’t just blame the teacher. The next year I didn’t go and used an excuse to not have to disappoint the teacher. During this year I didn’t do anything with the language except for speaking it in public and getting corrected by my partner P. all the time. I hated it, because he was constantly confronting me with my lack of effort to learn Italian. I started to dislike the language, made stupid comments about it, only to hide my sense of inferiority towards this language. Last September I decided that I couldn’t go on like this anymore, I’m frustrating myself and my surroundings. People do not easily start a conversation with me except for the weather and housekeeping issues. I feel like a four year old when trying to express myself. Till now I wasn’t willing to let my partner P. lecture me. He’s almost a native speaker and likes to teach, SO WHY DON’T YOU WORK WITH WHAT’S HERE? Excuses and excuses. I cannot be taught by my spouse, we probably will get into an argument. BLA BLA BLA. Maybe  he doesn’t want to teach me? All future projections. So I didn’t allow any bullshit anymore and I asked P. if he was willing to teach me. Yes, why not he said. I also asked our American friends A&J to join the lessons, they can also use some language boost. For me it’s perfect to team up with them and at the same time while learning Italian I learn some more English. They liked the idea to do it in a group to feel some more responsibility towards the group to keep the level up and do our homework.

Since A&J are not available for lessons till half November, P. and I decided to start already in October. The first time went pretty well, I did some tests to show P. at what level I’m exactly at. At the end our daughter A. started to interfere and laughed about my mistakes and the sentences in the book that were all wrong on purpose. I realised that my ego was bruised, it was like I had competed with her and lost. I noticed myself to becoming crossed with her. Something she didn’t deserve. I asked her not to be like that. Horrible now I come to think of it. I forbid her to express herself, because my ego was too big. The second time went well till the point that P. said: “Your verbs are lousy, you simply need to learn them”. My mind wanted to shut down and I started yawning. Learning my verbs means putting in effort and full commitment, which I’m clearly not planning to do yet. The third time we postponed it and I deliberately did not think about it that week. The fourth time we simply didn’t do it and this evening I’m writing out my pattern. Next week A&J will join in and I want to be ready without any resistances.

I feel like I can not be trusted if it comes to this point. I let this point disable me to work as an interior designer like I did in Holland. I let it disable me to get a nice job, to build up a social network, to express myself, to do my own translations of my articles, to do video’s in Italian, to be ready for politics or awareness building within society. I disabled myself to be an effective being within the system. How can I promote an Equal Money System here in Italy when I’m not being able to express myself in Italian? I can imagine, Berlusconi asking me all kinds of nasty questions and I’m not able to answer any of it, a big laughing audience to complete the whole scene.

I muscle tested wich underlying emotion was causing my resistance and I tested out for; lowness. Meaning: in a low position, low value, inferiority towards the language. Also the emotion; suppressed tested out. Meaning suppressing these emotions of lowness and expressing this in nonchalance and lack of a 100% commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to see how much was depending on me learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself while knowing that blaming is not a solution in itself. Self direction and self honesty will make me act and move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to finger point at the Dutch course while not taking any responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m the same as my mom and not good at learning languages. Therefore I lived this believe/opinion while it wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change my opinion about me being bad at languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad when it comes to learning languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed about the fact that there was no Italian course within our village.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a 100% commitment when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have high expectations of myself while I never tested those expectations in reality, therefore I was measuring myself according to a idea.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being good enough and not living up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bored with the free Italian lessons and not taking any responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my lack of participation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use an excuse to say no to the free Italian lessons, instead of being transparent and honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being corrected by P. while in fact I was being confronted with my lack of commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dislike the Italian language to hide my feeling of inferiority towards the language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to frustrate myself and my surroundings and put myself in a lower position within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with what is here when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project all kinds of ideas into the future about what could have happend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my ego was bruised while A. made some comments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself for being in  a competition with A. when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be crossed with A. because she was expressing herself and my ego couldn’t handle it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yawn when I’m confronted with the lack of commitment when it comes to learning my verbs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone the lessons because I didn’t feel like doing them due to my resistances. As if my resistances are a valuable excuse to not do the lessons.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be trusted with this language point and therefore disabling myself to be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of lowness and suppressing this emotion of lowness. Wherein the outflow of this all is the lack of commitment and a nonchalant attitude towards learning the language.

I will no longer suppress the emotion of lowness and be inferior to the Italian language, because I realise that I’m sabotaging myself and my effectiveness within society with this behavior. Therefore I breathe an stop and will no longer participate within this pattern.