Sylvia's writing to freedom

Raped through my own back chat 19/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 13:09
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This morning I had the weirdest dream ever, one with a lot of symbolism that showed me how back chat* can literally fuck with us to the extent of rape. I never had dreams about being raped and this wasn’t really about the physical act of being raped, more about the consequences and why it came to this point.

I was at a fair in a building where there were many spaces and all were decorated/furnished like little cafe’s,¬† so basically catering like settings all furnished with dark wood and almost no light. I spoke to people who I never had met before, I was there with people who I didn’t know at all. I remember feeling a bit out of place, almost like “what am I doing here”.

The dream switched to the point that I awoke within my dream, not sure where I was. Within a few seconds I knew I wasn’t in my own bed and then I realized I wasn’t in a bed either. I still had my eyes closed, pretending to sleep and too afraid to open my eyes to disturb the person I felt was in the room with me. Not knowing if there was real danger to look out for. I heard the other being dressing him/herself and I decided to act as if I awoke at that moment. Then I saw that I was lying on the floor of one of those cafe’s wearing black lace fancy panties and and a bra. Undergarments I never wear myself and when I looked up I looked in the face of an acquaintance of my partner and myself. He looked down on me while zipping his pants and he laughed at me like a mad man. He said something like, so this dirty job has been done. Within that moment I exactly knew what he was talking about, he raped me and I couldn’t remember anything except for having a sore anus. He disappeared and a cleaning lady entered the cafe looked at me at the floor and let me be while cleaning the room.

I dressed and looked for the people I didn’t know, with whom I had gone to this fair. I didn’t see them, but I met new people that I didn’t know. When I looked at a clock I saw it was already noon and I was supposed to be home the evening before. A thought went through my mind about how my partner and kids must be worried by now. So I tried to get a ride home from someone, still feeling dirty, unreal and not ready to talk about what had happend.

There was one lady who said that she wanted to bring me home, so I stayed with her till she decided to leave the fair. This lady wasn’t ready to leave soon so I started to become more worried and longing to be home already feeling the arms of my partner around me to comfort me. I remember going from one room to another almost loosing my patience. Then I met someone that was living in my neighborhood who also needed a ride home so I asked the lady if she also was willing to take the lady from my neighborhood with her. “Yes no problem she said”, but still didn’t go home.

Another jump in the dream placed me at home. Although it didn’t look like home, everybody was out in the streets, sitting in little groups talking to each other and having a great time. At a certain point I found my partner and I felt a relief, though I wasn’t able to get his attention. I wasn’t able to speak to him alone and I wasn’t planning to go public with my experience of being raped. Between the moment I awoke in the cafe and now being “home” I had done some investigation about the why and how of what had happened to me.

The man that apparently raped me is a man on which I had a lot of back chat. So I knew I had fucked myself by participating within back chat and it had fucked me right in the ass. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t know anything about being raped, not even about meeting this guy on the fair where I knew nobody. I was speculating whether he had put something in my drink, without me seeing him. There were still a lot of questions, but one thing was clear, I had created this myself and I knew that perfectly well. I felt dirty but not in a way as being the victim, it was perfectly clear to me that I was walking my own consequential outflow of this particular back chat and I had to walk it within my physical till it was done.

The main back chat I had about this man and his wife were related to my relationship with my partner P. This couple was claiming my partner too much in my perspective and instead of investigating this point within me I took it the most coward way and started having back chats about them. I already worked with this point, but there was still a little poisoning tale of the snake left.

I never had sexual fantasies about this man, although he is still good looking for his age according to society, I felt this antipathy for him based on my back chat. So he was a symbol in my dream of a man that I didn’t desire to have sex with and therefore standing as a nasty example of consequential outflow, when looking at the back chat. Finding out that I had performed anal sex with him was a point of disgrace to me. Having read a lot about it lately through investigating the abuse within the porn industry, anal sex is the lowest form of sex/disgrace for a woman in my opinion. Then not knowing anybody at the fair was a symbol of separation, I separated myself through back chat from reality. Furthermore I had no transportation myself while being at the fair, this point is a symbol for not directing my own physical reality while participating within back chat. Also this man stood for the system, he has a really good job within the system and represents the power of money. While I was roaming the fair in total separation from reality/ the system, the system took me from behind. And then not being able to reach out to my partner which equals to my separation to such an extend that I became an observer and not able to enter reality and direct myself in the best interest of all.

So rape stood for manifesting my own consequences. Anal sex stood for the disgrace of participating within back chat and being ashamed about it yet not ready to let fully go. The black lace underwear stood for temptation, the temptation to choose back chat over reality. The environment/setting in which it took place is also a point of temptation and asking for consequences, since I connect cafe’s with hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility. To me that’s a negative point and something I would not do within my reality yet within back chat there is neither any self-responsibility. The darkish environment stood for not standing day light, back chat is that secret inner talk that doesn’t stand day light due to it’s evil nature.

All in all a weird dream, bringing up points that I already¬† had been working on. Though by no longer being confronted with this person the back chat was no longer there. But that’s the tricky part and a subtle difference between not being there or no longer within my conscious daily living. If I dislike eating cauliflower, I stop eating it and claim that I no longer have problems with cauliflower,that moment I am entering this grey area of dishonesty. So I hadn’t really dealt with this back chat to the extent of it no longer being within my mind directing me. The source was simply no longer there to fuel my back chat, but the back chat was still there waiting for me to pick up there where I had left. There is even a possibility that whenever someone else would enter my reality with the same trigger points I had with this man of my dreams, that this type of back chat would transfer onto the next person.

This definitely was a wake up call for me to understand that back chats are only gone when they no longer occur in whatever form. Therefore it’s more the signature/origin of the back chat that counts than the person or situation it’s attached to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel antipathy for a man by not facing/directing my physical reality and therefore generating back chat towards this man while in fact it was me not coping with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with rape within my dream for having back chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgrace/shame about having anal sex, instead of seeing that I had disgrace/shame about my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the urge to humiliate myself within my dream with symbols that are standing for disgrace/humiliation in order to wake myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality through my participation within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I’m not my directive force when participating within back chat and nevertheless participate within back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money. (this is an old point that is coming in here, which indicates that there are still points to consider)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money through participating within the polarity of not having money and therefore desiring money. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than the money system after being out of the system and not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality through back chat to such an extent that I’m not able/knowing anymore how to reach out to reality while being an observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that anal sex is equal to shame/deisgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that black lace underwear is equal to temptation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that cafe’s equal to hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that, hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility, is a negative point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within back chat and not facing reality.

*Back chats are all the thoughts we have within our mind related to our outer world, mostly attached to a person or situation. The back chat within our mind reality is decorated with emotions/feelings/reactions. It’s a way to deal with our physical reality from the perspective of our mind, in reality it’s a way to separate ourselves from our physical realty out of the fear to face ourselves within our physical reality.

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