Sylvia's writing to freedom

Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

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It’s always about us 12/03/2011

Natural disasters, bad and though times, aren’t they revealing the real intend of men? This morning while going through the news and talking with the kids about Japan, my daughter A. said that a girl in her class feared for the nuclear installations in France. How come, I said. France isn’t effected with disasters and their nuclear installations are fine. The point was the girl had seen the images of Japan and feared such an event and projected it onto her own situation. The closest nuclear installation here in Italy are indeed in France. This is only one example, but this is how it goes most of the times. We hear about disasters bad news and instead of taking in that news and really see what that means for those people and what can be done. Instead we project it onto ourselves in a fantasy like way, because we are not effected by such a disaster in that moment, and suddenly we fear in such an extent that we feel the victim. The ugly thing about such a mechanism is that a victim can not think clear and help in all ways possible the real victims. And again as always we end up acting out of self interest and are we not able to see the need through our projected fantasy based fear.

Then when going through some more news about the tsunami in Japan I read some comments. I like reading comments to see how others are perceiving things and where they stand. Here I read  a comment where someone said with a lot of emphasize that we are not to blame for  the disaster taking place now in Japan and also Indonesia with an volcanic eruption and that we can not do anything about it. Is that so? Or is it just a matter of who shouts the loudest is right?

Are we indeed not to blame when it comes to disasters? I sincerely doubt it, I can see that it’s some kind of wishful thinking and when the really bad things are happing it’s a relief to take your hands of it and have no responsibility what so ever any more. We have to understand that every action and every thought we have, how big or how little, it always has consequences in the physical reality whether you’re aware of it or not. So, when during my life time my actions lead to series of consequences how would all the actions with all their consequences add up? And of course we can not stop a 7 meter high wave while it’s happening, not even with thousands of people. We’re merely ants that are splashed away. Though it’s not saying anything about who caused it over time in the first place.

When I neglect the wiring in my house for many years out of a self interested way or just because I do not have the financial ability to adress this problem the end result stays the same. One day a short may have a devastating effect on my home and I find myself rescued outside while big flames are coming out of my home. In that moment I can not stop the flames and the house from burning on my own and I might ask myself why this has to happen to me. Things happen always to us, because we initiated them by actually causing them or accepting and allowing them.

So on a bigger scale within natural disasters we can feel helpless and victimized when the end result forces itself upon our reality, but we are to blame for not taking responsibility in the first place. If we really did not do anything that would have consequences, our world would be static and nothing would happen what so ever. But is that the case?

It’s up to us whether we see ourselves as a victim or we see in self-honesty that we are both victim and the cause. I do not want to make myself a victim through projections or real actions within my reality. I want to deal with the symptoms and even with that what caused these symptoms. I don’t want to be impressed by consequences of my actions while feeling powerless. I want to take my responsibility back and therefore I work on myself within the desteni ‘I’ process.

 

Porca Madonna, this has to end now. 24/01/2011

I’m still struggling with the question why or how it is that I do not make any progress within learning Italian. Since my SRA-group is going to do a module of mins constructs I figured I could as well do a mind construct on this question. The word mind construct gives me a discomfortable feeling and a feeling of “am I capable of doing mind constructs?”. So I looked briefly into this and saw that when I did mind constructs within my SRA course I was at this breaking point of my course, which resulted in reticence and having to do a lot of material in less time than it was supposed to. In that period I doubted myself tremendous, so I can see now that this memory of discomfort has been attached by me onto the word mind constructs. I did a mind construct as I said and it took me 2 days in between all other to do jobs. I felt resistance, but I pushed through. In this blog I share the story that I found out after doing some ranting&raving, timeline/mind construct, self-forgiveness and self corrective statement.

Porca Madonna, which is written in the title is Italian for: Jesus, shit, fuck etc.

I always used my non existing motivation to learn the Italian language as a excuse. I was never been in Italy till I met my partner P. and we spend our first holiday together on the Italian island Sardinia. Since then and since I met P. who lived his entire youth in Italy I felt more special for having Italian DNA. To me this holiday and all the others that followed in Italy was an easy way to discover a country and it’s culture now I had my own interpreter with me. I was quite manipulative in getting what I wanted and always getting P. to be the interpreter so we had special treatments. I had no reason to learn the Italian language, my in-laws lived about 16 years in Italy but were Dutch and we communicated in Dutch. So I had no intend to put effort in learning Italian, learning a language just for the fun of it wasn’t my idea of having fun. It went even further I was convinced that I was genetically not capable of learning languages on a normal or high level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having no internal motive to learn Italian would be a valid excuse to never investigate in learning the language. Instead of taking my responsibility and seeing that without the language I’m making life impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special due to my Italian DNA which doesn’t give me a special gift to speak Italian without learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my in-laws for speaking Dutch and therefore not giving me a purpose or motive to study the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for speaking Italian and therefore not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate P. into an interpreter role so I didn’t have to take responsibility for  learning/speaking the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that learning a language isn’t fun. Instead of seeing that it was the feeling of not wanting to put much effort into this learning out of the belief that without internal motive I didn’t had to go into great effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m genetically incapable of learning a language. I identify here with my mother who has never accomplished to learn another language effective and I do not identify with my father who learns other languages really easy.

For many years P. tried to evoke me to learn Italian, but I resisted it and never took the bait. I felt deep down the urge to show P. that I was intelligent enough to learn the language if I had to. In the summer of 2000 we went as a family with both kids again to Sardinia and P. was a bit fed up with being my interpreter and asked me when I ever would learn Italian myself. I said: “you’ll never know.” We made some sort of a bet out of it which let my ego take the bait so I could show of my intelligence and I no longer had to feel the opposite as in incapable of learning languages. When we came home from our holiday I started looking for an Italian course. A lot of institutes offered only private lessons an charged large amounts of money for it. Since I only was honouring the bet I made I saw no reason and value to put a lot of effort or money in it. Eventually I found a lady who taught groups and private Italian lessons at her house. Her prices were reasonable so I registered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself why I started learning Italian without any internal motivation and blaming already before starting that I would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t take the bait after P. evoked me, while my ego wanted to proof itself and show of that I was intelligent enough to do such a language study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take any responsibility for the consequences once I would start learning the language., it didn’t only involve me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an ego polarity, wanting to show of and on the other hand feeling really insecure due to my beliefs about learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify starting to learn a language out of a bet and blaming my ego of forcing me into learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to search for a language institute and listening to my ego that told me I couldn’t back out of it anymore, too much shame to admit I didn’t wanted to learn the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend too much money on the lessons since I didn’t really saw the real value of learning Italian.

This lady was married to an Italian man and had lived for many years in Italy, she had already a little group of ladies who were about to start so I could start along with them. For 1.5 year I attended once a week these lessons and made my homework. I became good at written Italian, but my spoken Italian was still a disaster. This didn’t make me feel really thrilled about learning Italian. I felt shame while speaking the language and being afraid to make mistakes.  My first holiday in Italy, Napels, after a year of Italian lessons was a disaster. I couldn’t understand what the people were saying due to the dialect spoken in this region. It confirmed me in my believe that it was of no use that I took these lessons and that same winter I did quit my lessons. I stopped the lessons when my interior design business started blooming. I used it as an excuse to stop the lessons, in fact I was bored with it and I saw almost no progress within me and feared not being good enough to continue, I simply didn’t want to face the point behind this point. At that time it was only me and another lady who were still taking lessons, all the others had already stopped. I felt bad for the lady that was left alone, when I left the course thai meant to her that her lessons became private lessons and therefore more expensive then before. I felt guilty for the fact that I hadn’t been responsible enough when I started the course out of winning a bet and no real motivation and that another had to pay the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a situation in which I felt I couldn’t get out anymore since I had initiated it. I saw this as taking responsibility but in fact I was affecting other people with my behavior of not standing and being my own directing principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. I was good in written Italian and bad at integrating this into spoken language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame while speaking Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking Italian out of shame and not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes within the Italian language and feeling stupid for it and in the end not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dialects and to not understand what they were saying, not understanding my world which I believed would ultimate led to isolation within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking Italian lessons were of no use when i couldn’t understand Italians in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify quitting my Italian lessons with too much work within my interior design business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not facing my core problem with being bored within the lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not making any progress with my Italian lessons through self sabotaging with the purpose of separating myself from the system/society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self through self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad by fearing not being good enough and manifesting being good enough in the fact that I was so good to take on these lessons without wanting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not taking any responsibility with feeling bad for the other student.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more and seeing it as okay to start a course and then stop it without taking responsibility for the consequences of the whole. Me stopping with the lessons meant for the other student that she had no other choice then paying more or also quit.

After stopping this course I didn’t really look at the materials anymore. A few years later when we decided to immigrate to Italy I tried to pick up my lessons again and study my books which I still had. I still felt no motivation and felt dizzy and bored with the material, which was already a sign that I still wasn’t able to face myself within this point. I blamed the books for not being practical enough and only focussing on vocabulary for holidays. I decided that once I was in Italy and exposed to the language daily I would learn quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not benefit at all from my lessons even after I had stopped and again needed the materials/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not ready to face myself within learning languages even though I was immigrating and needing the Italian language more than ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dizzy and bored and not wanting to see that this was me saying to myself that it was a matter of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the books for me not learning the language effectively instead of seeing that I was sabotaging myself and started manifesting that what I feared the most, being excluded out of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blief that once exposed to the language daily I would in a miraculously way learn Italian.

In Italy we first lived in a isolated zone, my neighbors lived at least 1 km away from us. I had contact with my neighbors and spoke to other moms in front of school, but that wasn’t enough to really learn the language. After a while I started to carpool with my neighbor to bring and pick up our kids at school. Every morning she had breakfast in the bar with her girlfriends and we drank coffee. These ladies spoke in dialect and my Italian basics weren’t in place yet to easily learn also the dialect of this region. The conversations were boring and continually the same. I started disgusting these ladies and seeing them as stupid and uneducated while in fact I was facing myself within it all. My course in Holland gave me a vocabulary of a tourist and these ladies gave me the vocabulary of a house wife. I felt myself more than that and stared studying Italian at home with the help of DVD’s. I became good in answering the questions, but couldn’t apply it in real life it simply didn’t sink in. I started to become a bit desperate and thinking that I would never learn the language at a normal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to live isolated and not seeing that I was slowly but surely isolating me from myself and no longer willing to take part of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others who I talked with, that through conversation with them I didn’t learn the language as fast as I had imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust the ladies with whom I drank coffee every day in the bar. I saw them as stupid and uneducated, not seeing that I was projecting my disgust for myself on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame learning the dialect of the region for not having my Italian basics into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons for making a tourist out of me and blaming the ladies for making a house wife out of me due to the vocabulary they learned me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the vocabulary I learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the dvd’s for not being effective while I only wanted to lern the language by my own without support or assistance of others and not seeing that my starting point was self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t apply my learned information within real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the information didn’t sink in and not seeing that this was due to me sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate in learning the language. I felt there was something off, but not yet willing to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I would never learn Italian at a normal level.

Then 1 of the elementary school teachers offered me private Italian lessons twice a week for a reasonable price. I went to her house for a year and then she didn’t have much time to continue. I loved working with her, we became friends. I was glad that I was able to get other friends then the ladies. I really learned more then before, but still wasn’t at a level where I could unconditionally express myself. During this time I started writing Italian poems which I really liked doing. It was a practical application of the language. Together with P. I perfected the poems into understandable Italian and I really learned a lot while bumping into problems with the language and seeing my gabs within the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special that a school teacher offered me to teach Italian lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy for being her friend. I didn’t feel good being the friend of the ladies I drank coffee with and by being her friend I participated within the polarity of good and bad. I wanted to feel more with the teacher friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher friend for not having enough time anymore to teach me so I didn’t had to face that I wasn’t progressing anymore that much as I liked due to my self sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself while writing Italian poems. It pleased me when I found out that my teacher liked them and it gave me the security that she wanted me still as friend. With her as friend I would keep feeling good about myself, with the other friends I experienced the disgust I felt about myself for all that I’ve been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t work together with P. while he was teaching me.

I still lived quite isolated and had not much practise in talking the language. Then we moved to another village and I did my groceries daily and spoke with the lady of the grocery store to practise my language. She spoke in dialect and poor Italian, so I had again to adjust myself to learn another dialect before really knowing the language well. This lady told me about Italian lessons that were given at the town hall for free. So I did a year Italian lessons twice a week, the level of the lessons was extremely low, I blamed it on the teacher who didn’t use a book or gave any homework to work with at home. I came to learn a lot of other foreign people and the teacher used my knowledge of the English and Dutch language to communicate with her other students. I didn’t gain any new knowledge of the Italian language and labeled the course as useless and therefore didn’t attend the next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady of the grocery store for talking dialect. Not seeing that my memories about dialect and the fear for exclusion where attached to this new experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the town hall lessons as a extremely low level for wanting to feel myself better within this experience of not feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for not really being committed out of the fact that she didn’t use a book to work from or give any homework. I’m my own directive principle and it’s up to me if I do homework or expand on the information given by the teacher, blaming the teacher is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for using me as interpreter between the Dutch and English students and herself. I felt that I was giving but wasn’t receiving and not working within the equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t gain any new knowledge from the town hall lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher her lousiness for not attending the next year.

Last summer I came again to the conclusion that if I wanted to integrate and make my life work here I have to learn the language at a higher level. I always refused to study the language with P. as my teacher, but decided that this belief is bullshit. So I asked our American friends who also needed a boost in their Italian language to join me. It would give the three of us some more pressure to keep up with the lessons in the best interest of the group. I attended the lessons, but P. had a lot of attention for A&J and I sat there being present and answering some questions once in a while. Even my son J. picked up that the lessons were not for the tree of us, but more for our American friends. It started demotivating me and blamed the fact that it didn’t feel practical to me and I couldn’t really apply it in my daily life, on P.. It started to feel like a pattern because it felt the same as most of the other lessons I already had done and was only searching for a justification to stop with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not being able to work equally with me while teaching and therefore I didn’t use his support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify inviting my American friend to join the lessons due to needing outside stimuli to be motivated to study Italian. I wasn’t taking responsibility and searching already for something or someone to blame before it went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the lessons already before they ever started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for getting more attention and not seeing that I in essence was jealous on them for getting attention for their real motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for feeling excluded while I was projecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my demotivation for the lessons by stating that I had no motivation to start with, but that’s not taking responsibility and denying my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons of P. for not being practical and not applicable in reality, while that’s just justifying my behaviour for not wanting to learn Italian and not wanting to be faced with the real points why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of not taking responsibility and not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a justification to stop with the lessons.

Today while talking to P. the subject of the Italian lessons came up and I told him how I felt that it isn’t working for me. It need to be more practical for me, I said. P. was already thinking about making the lessons more practical, but for me I was already done with it. I felt emotions arising while speaking and I started crying. It was a really overwhelming feeling that came over me and in that moment I saw that I was denying life to myself. I was sabotaging my current life in Italy. By keeping myself at this low level within the language I was making it impossible for me to progress in whatever direction. Every time it had been me who was stopping a new attempt to learn the language. This fits also smoothly in with my attempt to escape the system/society by placing me financially outside the system and separating myself from it. I know that I’m capable of learning Italian, by just doing it and applying the language in things that I like doing. I already had experienced how fast that went. I’ve seen my progression within the English language too, just by doing it and facing it in reality. Why am I not doing this with the Italian language? I started to translate my articles on my WTF-blog in Italian, but that was still too difficult and P. didn’t have the time to sit next to me and help translating the articles. So he did it for me, I read them but didn’t learn much from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for the fact that his Italian lessons are not working for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not giving practical aplicable lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by taking on a too difficult translating job and then feeling worthless and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not having enough time to sit with me and help me translate my articles in Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility by letting P. translate my articles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for translating my articles so I didn’t learn anything from it and wasn’t able to experience it for myself within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of wanting to quit and not face myself which made me already quit before I even started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by crying instead of being a woman and to see what I had caused by not taking responsibility and separating myself from me and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when I saw what it was I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny life to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure I wasn’t going to make real progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop every new attempt to learn Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me to in the end diminish myself.

I probably have to kick my ass and apply the language practically till I’m at a level that it is enough to express myself and speak to others without frustration. Frustration with myself within the language and being confronted with my self created limitations.

By separating myself from myself I was bussy diminishing myself and I felt even good about it. Porca Madonna this has to end this is too much abuse!

When an as I see myself participating within this pattern of separation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that this pattern is directing me

and I’m not my own directive force anymore. I will no longer participate within his pattern knowing where it is going to lead me and I don’t want to abuse myself through diminishing myself. I stop and I breathe.

 

I want to live and not wander about like a zombie. 20/11/2010

Today I made a vlog about still having a hoarse voice, still coughing and being fed up with it. It comes all down on the fear to expand myself and within that the fear to fail within this expanding. If I don’t expand, I will never find out if I failed. I have to move forward to apply new realisations and to correct myself within the physical. I do apply and correct myself, but first I will resist.

 

I didn’t light the stove this morning, I had searched for the light cubes to initiate the fire, but couldn’t find them. When an hour later my partner P. came home, he was surprised I hadn’t fired up the fire. I said: “I couldn’t find the cubes”. P. said: “The cubes are next to the stove”. I realised I hadn’t searched next to the stove. When I saw where the cubes were I was surprised I hadn’t seen them before. I asked myself how it could be that I didn’t feel the need to light the fire, knowing myself as a chilly person. I was afraid to fuck up, always when I light the fire P. is complaining about my pyromanic skills. Or it’s too much wood, too little wood, not enough heat yet, not well stapled wood etcetera. I’m taking this personal and therefore I’m not learning from it and I’m incapable to expand myself when it comes to lighting a fire.

 

Or I resist going to the gasstation to fill up the car with gas. Up front I fear failing. Failing to fill in the special papers for tax deduction. Of course I than manifest the fear and the form is filled in all wrong and confirming my fear. I pushed through this one and saw that I was boycotting daily life when refusing to fill up the gastank while being a few hundred meters away from the gasstation. When I strip this fear and look at the story again it’s almost hilarious to see how much I limit myself within ordinary matters. The fear of expanding, the fear of failure and the fear of losing control are directing me with my permission.

 

There is so much that I’ve feared and still so much to fear and all covered up by excuses, justifications and blaming others or situations. When I do get over them I’m nickering about it. Most of us will not call it fear, but once one can look in self honesty towards oneself one can spot fear from a distance.

 

Tonight I committed myself to commenting on FB. Effective, common sensical commenting on the issues others present to me. I did that before, when commenting on people, who are still within a spiritual phase. This caused a lot of friction and I labeled it as an ineffective way of communicating. My starting point was still one of reacting, tonight my starting point was one of understanding what was presented to me and stripping it down to the facts. Thereafter I commented in common sense on the facts that were presented to me to create awareness about the mechanisms that are behind our human behavior. I also committed to take responsibility for the words I write and speak, so here the fear for failure kicked in. A while after I had commented I was feeling oppressed as if my body was restricting and limiting my breathing and was saying, directed by my mind, no expansion here. I stopped and applied the four count breathing. I told myself that all reactions of others on my words are not something I can direct and take responsibility for, If I wrote my comments in self honesty to be effective in making a change/difference than that’s all to consider for me.

 

Expanding is living, I don’t want to be dead before I die. I will face all my fears one at a time and will probably have a good laugh about it when this is all over, dead or alive.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist new realisations before applying and correcting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the light cubes to light the stove, while it was obvious where they were. I had seen it there before, but totally blocked it while searching.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to block a practical memory about where to find the light cubes.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid for failing in lighting up the fire.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not experiment with lighting the fire, knowing that P. would come home and comment on it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take P.’s comments personal, while all I have to work with are the facts that are here. The reactions of P. are his business. I can point it out but not take responsibility for.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and losing control when it comes to expanding myself within this world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to comment on other people their words from the starting point of reacting.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause friction through the words I used, while using a dishonest starting point.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to the word dishonest and realising that this means I’m not only a nice person, there is also evil inside of me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear for the words I’ve written while commenting in self-honesty, showing myself that my self value is still unstable.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed by fearing expanding.