Sylvia's writing to freedom

It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.

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Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

 

Just another Monday… 08/03/2011

Tonight I do not have a specific topic I want to write about. There are several points waiting to be unwrapped and they will be in time, but not tonight. When I unwrap I don’t want to ruin the gift paper, I want to be in that moment an work with complete attention. In other words I don’t “feel” like opening up a point at 11:30 pm. It’s a lame excuse, nevertheless I take it for tonight.

It has been just another Monday and I didn’t experience much fears or confrontations within myself. No idea if they just weren’t there or if it was a matter of not wanting to face them.

I started this morning with sewing a tight sofa cover for the Country house of A&J. The first one is always exiting since I might have to adjust here and there.

My idea had been, after the sewing, to work on my mind construct, but there wasn’t a lot of time left before lunch so I decided to watch some video’s and read blogs. Once I start working on my mc I like to finish things and have enough time so that nothing will be a reason to rush myself and deliver bad work. Bad work isn’t in the best interest of all.

I did some laundry since there was this icy polar wind and a pale sun.

I made lunch for my partner P. and myself since the kids had theater class and were lunching at school. After lunch we did some hiking, only a small round. When walking home we picked up D. from the bus stop, since he and P. had to work in Fano.

I had almost 2 hours alone at home before picking up the kids at school. I had planned to make another vlog since the one I made last week didn’t upload, not even after trying 6 times. I was kind of pissed of on You Tube and blaming them for bad services. Though when I looked back I wasn’t really pleased with the vlog. I spoke about Russia and Libya and even though my facts were in place I didn’t feel secure. I even considered not posting it and that was the first time. So looking back I must have been manifesting and blaming You Tube at the same time for what I did to myself. The idea of doing another vlog didn’t seem a big issue, but when confronted with it I was blanco and had nothing to say or share at all. So I didn’t make any video and I seemed fine with it. Fine isn’t the right word I allowed myself to accept not doing what I had intended to do.

Through skype I made an appointment with A&J to go over to their house and fit the first cover I made and bring all the table cloths I already made. We agreed on 5 pm after I had picked up the kids.

We took the half dirt half asfalt road to A&J, I wanted to take the steep drive way, but the kids said no there will be still snow on the drive way. A&J had their car at the side of the road so they hadn’t dared to take this road. With the jeep it was no problem going up. I tried on the sofa cover and it completely changed the sofa. A&J were really happy with so much change in the apartments they rent out. We left with fresh eggs and went down the drive way down to the road. In that moment I realised what I had done by driving up in the first place, now I had to go down on the snow. It was a bit slippery, but at the beginning of the drive road the snow was melted away and I had enough grip to slow the jeep down to turn on the main road.

When home I took the laundry inside and prepared pizza dough. Within 1,5 hour P. and D.would come home and we were suppose to have dinner. P. had to take D. home and give French lessons at a friends house. My son J. had a paper to finish for tomorrow, therefore he stayed home with me. I did my writings and now I go to bed.

Just another Monday…

 

Why do we want to miss out on reality? 20/02/2011

While taking the steep path up on the mountain this afternoon and looking out over the village that’s kind of hidden within the valley, I witnessed the first wild forest flowers produced by nature. Most of these flowers are green or yellowish green and a really careful attempt of nature to show us that after the cold winter, that we’re still in, there will be Spring and life will burst open in full expression. It’s my anchor in life, the four seasons, some I love and some I don’t want to face. It’s all about the weather, the weather is my starting point for  favoring a specific season or not. The weather is also a quite realistic force within our life, we can die from heat and dehydration or either freeze to death without a roof above our head.

The weather is probably one of the most discussed topics in life. Some people have made their profession out of it and all the other people have opinions about it. It comes down to one point, they are all guessing. Our weather men and women are interpreting calculated models by computers, other people use the tradition of the condition of a half sliced onion lying in the window and most people dig in their memory and compare weather conditions throughout their life to this years weather.

Memories are subjective and based on your emotions and feelings of that moment when you experienced this specific weather condition. Comparing those memories with your presence isn’t very reliable. Back in the 1980, while being a kid in the Netherlands, we had a lot of snow one year. My dad wasn’t able to leave home to go to work by car. According to my memory it must have been at least a meter snow, but was it really? That’s a lot of snow for the Netherlands and I was not yet really that tall as a kid, so from my perspective within my memory, lets say 30 to 40 centimeter of snow could have been experienced by me as a meter snow. That same winter we had quite some ice freezing on the streets and I went to school on my ice skates. The question is, was my whole village covered in ice or only a few cold places, I really don’t know.

The point is, while we do all the weather comparing whether it’s the computer models or the memories, we miss out on real life. We are so consumed with what was or could be that we actually miss all the clues and signs of what for instance nature is giving us. Just like the first forest flowers or a certain wind that starts blowing, the physical is full proof  of what is here. You see, life isn’t that complicated I found out, if we only were willing to see this. It’s us that make life complicated, due to the fact that we do not want to face ourselves. We build a whole circus around fears that we don’t want to face and lose track of the simplicity of what it really is that we have to face.

We are real masters in covering up to not face ourselves, but covering up means it’s still here and we just do not see it right now. Then when it blows up in our face we try to deny it at first, we’ve got great tools for that called: justifications, excuses, blaming and opinions. If that’s still not going to do the trick we can always become the victim of it all, and use the tools again to bring others or circumstances in a negative light and make us the positive winner. Then we can be happy, we did our best and created the outcome we desired. Still we didn’t face ourselves and we create a monster inside ourselves. Our own physical body will turn against us with this monster inside, because the physical is full prove of what is here. We become sick and sicker, still not facing ourselves and asking why we have to be sick and why not another. Till the moment that our doctor says we haven’t got long to live anymore and society will abandon us. The few people who dare to face us will visit us and talk about the weather just to not face themselves and not to face you the equivalent of their own fear: dead.

If you want to face yourself go to: http://www.desteniiprocess.com

 

From reacting to equality 13/01/2011

Tonight I worked together with my Partner P. on his blog. After not yet having answered the first e-mail P. received an extensive second e-mail from his brother yesterday. P. read it, we read it and the kids listened to it on their request. P. and I , we both had reactions, but we let it sink in to work with it later. That night in bed P. told me that he had quite some emotions and feelings to the presented information in the e-mail of his brother. I told him that he had to write about it to get a clear vision on what it is that’s bothering him. Today I realized that I should be more supportive for him than only telling him what to do. I need to be equal to him and work with him on the issues he has right now, I can’t let him do it all by himself and then commenting on it. When P. came home tonight I suggested to work together on the e-mail and to assist and support him in finding out why he has certain reactions and then in a later stage dig deeper.

 

While working together I realised that my extensive work through the SRA course has given me an advance on P. In fact this wasn’t a point of unequally or separation, just a cool point to help and push P. a little bit further then he would have done when dealing with it alone. Knowing that there is always more underneath the issue one is dealing with. We took baby steps, but it sure is a beginning. Sometimes when P. couldn’t reach out for the point he was looking for or dealing with and where I had an idea what it was all about, I searched within myself for a memory of events that explained the emotion or feeling we were possibly dealing with. Sometimes there was a connection and sometimes there wasn’t. Also this is a cool point to realize that we can only see things through our own eyes and in working together we search for memories/feelings/emotions to relate to each other and bring about a 1+1= 2 equation.

 

Within 15 years of marriage we have been talking things through extensively. Looking back on it now I can see the difference when you do it from the starting point of self-honesty and not to feed your ego to generate energy. This wasn’t the first conversation in this way, but it was the first time helping each other equally within self-honesty, instead of only reacting in self-honesty to each other. Communication without wanting something from the other, other than in the best interest for all. While P. worked through his points I worked through mine. Where this e-mail first was a point of changing my reality through emotions and feelings it’s now an e-mail and a point of few of someone who didn’t use the equality equation nor common sense. I’m no longer judging him for it or blame him for our twisted relationship. I will take responsibility for all my reactions and use that to see where still my ego rules.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for his opinions, instead of looking inside what my reactions are telling me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my ego and feel attacked on my personality when someone speaks his mind about me through another person while I know this isn’t true.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling less than the presented information and therefore wanting to take revenge on the writer to feel more than the presented information. While I know that equality can never be reached by participating within a polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsupportive towards P. last night.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not seeing me according to my picture of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated while not being able to communicate effective with P.’s family.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim of miscommunication and blaming myself for not being able to be effective enough.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge or blame my brother-in-law for our twisted relationship.