Sylvia's writing to freedom

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.


50 Ways to leave your vlogging 09/02/2011

Lately I had quite some excuses and justifications for not vlogging more regularly. My writings are consistently and it would be cool if my vlogging is in the same line with my blogging. This song of “50 ways to leave your lover” popped up into my mind. Some days I do have have 50 ways or excuses, but tonight I’ll keep it to my top 10 of most frequently used excuses or justifications.

To check the title of the song I came across the lyrics and it showed me even more what a bullshit I had been producing.

The problem is all inside your head 

She said to me

The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I’d like to help you in your struggle

To be free

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

The problem is all inside my mind 

I said to myself

the answer is easy if I

take common sense

with the equality equation I end my struggle

to set myself free

there may not be 50 ways

to leave my vlogging

Just slip out of the back door, for more

Make a new excuse, juice

You don’t need to fear, dear

Just set yourself free

Hop through your mind, kind

You don’t need to think much

Just drop of free will, Syl

And set yourself free

1. I’ve got nothing of importance to share on camera with the rest of the world.

Bullshit, sharing myself and sharing my process is always of importance for myself and others. Within the vlogging I can practise the living words and see where I have points to work on.

2. My English isn’t sufficient enough to express myself in a way that I can reach out and make a difference.

Bullshit, till so far nobody asked for subtitling, so what has changed? My opinion within my mind towards vlogging has changed. Opinions and non consistant thoughts are not real so this one can be disregarded. Everybody can make a difference when common sense, self-honesty and acting in the best interest of all is applied. There is no need to make “making a difference” into fine art, there is no room for specialness within ones and equality.

3. My computer and tools are old and not efficient enough to make video’s in a modern up to date way.

Bullshit, even with old materials I can get the message across. It’s the message that counts and not the fancy outside.

4. I know what to talk about when I’m not able to record.

Bullshit, I can take notes and tape it later. There is no need for emotions and feelings of being in the mood and being energetic charged to record a video. I proofed that already many times to myself so why do I not learn from my experiences? Simply because I search for a reason to not vlog.

5. Within my mind the spoken words were more effective.

Bullshit, I know that I’m the king within my own mind and that I always will disappoint myself within reality when I compare those two with each other.

6. There is always someone around which enables me to record a video.

Bullshit, there are always occasions enough to record while nobody is in the room. It’s more the shame of not wanting to record with others in my presence. I feel judged when they see me possibly stumble. These thoughts and fears are not the reality and just another excuse to not record when someone else is in the room. It’s not the judging of others it’s me judging myself and fearing myself within vlogging and what may come up.

7. I want validation through vlogging and at the same time I don’t want validation on myself.

Bullshit, trying to get self validation through others or through the things I do is simply not facing myself. This not facing myself reflects in the fact that I’m at the same time don’t want any validation/judging. It’s because I see it as judging that it turns into negative and something ugly. So no need for that, it’s all in the mind and therefore not real. I vlog for myself to get insides within myself and that’s the main reason for doing so, helping each other by sharing our individual processes is also an important reason to not overlook.

8. I know about what and how to vlog, I simply can not push myself to do it regularly.

Bullshit, I can push myself to anything as long as I’m self-honest with myself. Excuses are dishonest and not facing myself.

9. When the consistency is out of my vlogging I build up a new resistance for it.

Bullshit, if I really belief this opinion of mine I rather would not let it come to this point where the consistency goes out of my vlogging. I simply do not belief this and see it as another excuse to not face myself and to put things on camera.

10. When I focus myself on other Desteni related things I can be effective too, for the best interest of all.

Bullshit, I can always do more or other Desteni related stuff, but it cannot take away the point of vlogging. I need to simply face it and push myself through it. So I made a short vlog today to have a start.


My visit to the farm 07/02/2011

This morning I paid a visit to the Desteni farm in South Africa, while lying in bed and dreaming extensively. Over the past 2 years I haven’t had that many dreams, the one’s I had were after waking up mostly not more then a blur or a vague emotional feeling. This one was vivid and almost like a dream within a dream. I was already able to reflect within the dream about the events. This experience made me decide to write the dream down right away, before this one like the others ends up at the dream-graveyard. In this blog I will look at my current life  and see if I understand my dream and where it fits in with the points that I’m struggling with.

I was at the farm and my partner P. and my daughter A. were there with me because they apparently had brought me to South Africa. While sitting in this kind of waiting room, decorated with old fashioned antique furniture, I noticed I wasn’t the only one that had arrived. P. started pacing trough space from one side of the room to the other while having his earplug in and having loud Italian work related phone calls. A. was sitting with me at a table and at a certain moment I asked them to leave, I was going to stay at the farm and they were going home anyway, so why not now. I was ashamed of P.’s unconsidered behavior and felt this desire for them to leave. A. didn’t throw a fit and she said goodbye in a normal way without crying and losing grip on her emotions, knowing that she was without me for a month. So P. and A. had left and from behind me a huge man started talking to me in Dutch. I was puzzled I didn’t know him and why the hell was he speaking Dutch. He said: ” that must have been hard to say goodbye to your daughter?” In an automated way I answered him and said that it was no big deal or even a problem, then I looked him in the face and said as snapping out of this automated state: “yes, indeed that hurts, I never admitted this before when having to say goodbye to her, but it does hurt.”

Going to the farm for a study trip is something that I desire to do, not necessarily now or within the next year, but at one point within my proces. Due to the lack of financial means this is regarded by me as fantasy.

The old furniture represents within my currents world, not wanting to join others for the sake of joining and not wanting the newest hottest appearance knowing and experiencing that  I’m able to be okay with who I am. I came to this conclusion recently that I, since long, am at ease with myself even when looking at my appearance, evil points, gaps and inflexible habits. These points are there to be adressed and can be helped.

The behavior of P. represents me reacting or being agitated about the behavior of others, while I’m only reacting within myself. Also this point I have been working on recently.

A. not crying when she is going to miss me for several hours up to like here a month is a reflection of the agreement which we are establishing together. Being equals who can learn from each other and reach out to each other. Also a point that I’m working with right now.

The huge man talking to me in Dutch represents me struggling me with my “identity”. I am Dutch, living in Italy and expressing my state of mind in English. I noticed recently that in saying “I am Dutch” I’m not only talking about facts it’s also emotions and identity, therefore ego. Since this week I decided to see this languages I speak just as languages and to not make any relation/connection with my ego. Languages are tools and that’s it.

The part of feeling hurt when leaving A. from my side is an old issue. When I brought her to elementary school she loudly cried after I said goodbye and begged me to take her home. School was clearly damaging her and that was cutting through my mother heart and making it difficult to leave her at school only because the law ordered me to do so. I’ve always suppressed this feeling in order to be strong for the both of us, but in the end didn’t serve anything then secret mind turbo thoughts and making the wrong decisions with emotions as starting point.

The next moment I was in my room, the one I was going to stay in for the next month. It didn’t resemble the rooms at the farm at all. I missed the part if Bernard entered the room or was already there when I entered the room, but he was there and I was there. We spoke right away about a lot of things, during this conversation he switched on little buttons that were all over the room. All that we said was recorded and that took me out of some sort of fuddle kind of stage. This scene was kind of vage as if I looked through a veil of mist. All of  a sudden I realised that all that I said counted and I was held responsible for. So at first the conversation had this cuddling kind of feeling which ended up in a feeling of almost anxiety though wanting to say the things in self-honesty, but at the same time looking for this back door to get my feet in between. I didn’t want to be pinned down on my words. During this conversation I was unpacking my bag and found out that I had packed A. her toiletry and no tooth brush. So Bernard handed me a disposable one and said: “we have enough don’t worry about these things.” This searching for the tooth brush was occupying/consuming me totally as in trying to escape from this dream reality.

This part is really fascinating, I was glad to be at the farm, almost like a relief. When I noticed the buttons and the fact that I was held accountable for what I was saying I felt checked. First it was almost as this pink cloud I was on and then the violin music stopped with a scratch and reality kicked in. I became really anxious about these buttons and I didn’t feel able or ready to talk about all that would come up or come out. I started distracting myself with trifling issues like the tooth brush. Right now I am at a point where I’m doing really well within blogging each and every day, but my vlogging is subject to a major amount of excuses and justifications, some are relevant or even facts and others are plain bullshit and delaying my process. Also on this part I decided to make changes and not allowing and accepting back door behavior anymore.

Before I realised it I found myself in another room also decorated in an old fashioned manner like a museum. I was standing besides a table where there were several ladies with their coat on and knitted hats on. The knitted hats were too big so they all had pinned with hair pins these hats to their head and hair. The border was knitted too loose and I was completely losing myself within the hats of these ladies. I felt the desire to concentrate on my conversation with them, but it was hard. I asked them what they were doing at the farm and they said: ” we are very religious ladies and we are helping out here at the farm.” I interpreted “helping out” as in serving services. Then I walked away from them to another part of the room, the room was completely open on one side and there were cinema seats to sit and look outside, at the open part. I was again sitting there with strangers, I did laugh a lot since I had arrived and I felt not okay with all my laughing which I normally not do that much. Within this moment I awoke and was back in Italy again.

The ladies with the strange knitted hats represent  my issue I had with my funny hat several weeks ago. I worked through that point and wear my hat a lot now in winter, without any shame or identity grant. The point of letting go of this point of ego/identity in general isn’t that easy. The desire for it is there, but it’s quite hard to get really stable within this point, it’s still a process to be completed.

The very religious ladies was a point I struggled with a few weeks back when I had an encounter with Jehovah Witness ladies. In this dream I walked away from these ladies and that’s what I’m practising in real life to not take the baite of my Jehovah clients anymore.

Sitting in the cinema seats out in the open is my experience of opening up and exposing myself to strangers on the internet to share my process.

The fact that I had been laughing throughout the dream represent a feeling of not completely being at ease, still having anxieties and resistances within my process. I’m not judging myself for it, it’s quite a bumpy road and I can save the laughing for afterwards when I realise what was holding me back or holding me in fear and to see that it was so unreal. A good old laugh and then up to the next point within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting the farm and dismissing it as a fantasy, instead of working to the point of achieving it within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that languages are emotional things and building blocks of my identity, instead of seeing the as tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within secret mind thoughts when it comes to schools, instead of confronting the school with their behavior and the consequences of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave room for back door mentality, instead of facing the point, working it through and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no dreams when I slept or any recollection of it.


Discipline 02/02/2011

We’ve been showing over decades to our world and ourselves that we humans have a hard time directing ourselves. Directing ourselves in an effective, structured way, realizing that every movement, thought and energy driven action has consequences within our physical reality. Mostly we need others to give direction to our life’s, our partner, our boss, our hobby, our parents, our children, our animals, our friends, our traditions  and of course our internet. We have no clue what it really means to give direction to ourselves. If we had a clue our world wouldn’t be the way it is today.

We lack discipline, self discipline. At this point older people will probably agree with me, the most populair phrase amongst the elderly is, the youth nowadays does not know what it is to work hard and doing what they need to do. There might be some valid points in this statement, but we may not forget that the starting point for the elderly amongst us was one of fear. Fear for their boss, who was definitely more than them, when they came in late or didn’t work hard enough. That’s not self direction that’s self abuse and acceptance of an abusive money system called capitalism.

The soldier will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only serving money in the manifestation of his superior general. The  light worker will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only meditating till he blows his brains out and provide him with his next energetic shot. The athlete will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s training and competing for both energy and money.

Self discipline is directing self without any stimuli from outside and no mind related directions. You get out of bed in the morning not because you feel like it or don’t feel like it out of fear to be late at work. You put on the proper clothes for your work/day and according to the weather outside you pick your clothes, you do not bother if they are fashionable or reflecting your personality. You do your job, because you need money for your basic needs. You eat that amount of food which will support your body and not according to your emotions. You stay during your day within the physical reality and your presents, simply because you need yourself here. You act during your day in common sense and according to what’s best for all. You reflect upon your day just before you go to bed and sleep to check if you have to forgive yourself and apply any corrective statements. You do this all just out of the simple reason that you self direct yourself because you are life.

Earth is capable of directing itself by living according the 4 seasons. Nature is directing itself without acting on emotions and feelings. Life is directing itself and never gives up, only we give up on life. What is wrong with us that we are, the so called superior group on this planet, that’s lost inside ourselves? We never learned and were not programmed to direct ourselves, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. It’s the responsibility for all that we are which we think we do not have to take, also this is programming. With some DIY we can de-program ourselves and through discipline we can direct ourselves.YES WE CAN!

To me self discipline has been proven essential to do my process. Living my life from the starting point of what is best for all. Always applying the equality equation to see in a common sensical disciplined way if we all benefit from what I do as individual on this planet. I might seem insignificant to the whole, but all individuals together show if the equation is done effectively. Till so far the whole has failed. Therefore I need to apply in a disciplined way my applications and tools. One of the tools I use to share myself and spread awareness is through blogging. Showing others that I struggle with the same issues as they are and show them what I do about it. Even if I can reach out to one person it’s cool even if I do not reach out to anybody, I in fact reach out to myself and direct self through the experience of daily blogging.


Nothing to say or write to myself 04/11/2010

This morning, while cutting endless peaces of fabric for curtains for a client, I was reflecting upon yesterday. I had made the commitment to write everyday a blog and yesterday evening I was sitting in front of my computer and staring at an empty template. I couldn’t think of anything to write and the few things I came up with I disregarded as not interesting enough to share. So I asked myself why I write these blogs, if I disregard things as not interesting enough than I might write to entertain. And maybe I am, because that’s the way I used to write. My starting point for my blog was that of being effective within my writing to assist myself within process and to involve others so they might understand what I’m doing. I label myself as effective when others pay attention to what I write, I also label myself as effective when I break through a point or when things become clear to me after writing it down. So it must always be a spectaculair moment, wow now I look at it I can clearly see what I’ve been doing. Normal daily stuff isn’t good enough for me otherwise I had filled in my template with words last night. Fuck, I’m disregarding myself and I do not see myself as interesting and spectaculair enough to expose myself on the internet…

There were 2 points I could have written about yesterday yet I shove them aside. I resisted to write about it, because I didn’t really saw myself within the events. I didn’t see myself yet I was cristal clear within my communication towards myself. I didn’t see myself while I was screaming at myself. The first event was me commenting on Brett’s topic on the open forum of the Desteni web-site. Basically I asked him not to post these kind of topics on the open forum when he wasn’t going to share himself or his process with others. I asked him if it was out of loneliness that he posted these things so he could just communicate with others. I checked my starting point before posting the post, but I didn’t hear me screaming to myself. In a way I was reacting to his post while I was dealing myself with the point of not sharing me with myself. I refused to communicate with myself through writing and it’s not been the first time.

Than later that day my partner P. said that he found my current writings really assisting. I hesitated, but said to him:” you can’t go through process only by reading about the processes of others”, my point didn’t came across clearly and I wasn’t willing to clarify my self more. In fact again I was screaming to myself and didn’t hear it. I am not consistent within my own writings and that’s where my responsibility lie’s, I can’t order  P. to start writing himself through his own process. He has to figure that out for himself, I can only be an example.

Looking back at yesterday it was as if I had shifted into another dimension. I had been a zombie throughout the day. I was searching for myself while I was tapping on my own shoulder. Today I’m back in the here and now and started the morning of with a coughing fit, after watching my facebook wall, and it ended up in a hyperventilation attack. I immediately started the 4 counts breathing technic and within a few minutes I cleared the attack. I saw how it all interconnected, it was all about communication. I have to commit to communicating with myself and therefore my outer world. I need to unconditionally share and express myself to progress within my process. If I’m not unconditionally willing to change myself, how on earth can I reflect my change upon society. If I want change, I have to change.

I can also see now how this point of communication is connected to the point of resisting to learn to speak Italian more effective. That one is on my list to open up next. Than I will share my self forgivenesses and corrective statements.