Sylvia's writing to freedom

Unwrapping myself after winter 05/04/2011

A couple of days ago when the temperature suddenly went up as if it was already summer, I, for the first time in weeks unwrapped myself in front of a mirror. I was familiar with the image I had seen throughout winter, this kind of Michelin man dressed in many layers of clothes. When I went to bed, I always undressed really fast so I would not cool down too much, before dressing myself for bed. When taking a shower, I also undressed quickly and never really watched myself in the mirror. So there I stood in front of the mirror looking at the surprise that I unwrapped. OMG I have a belly, yes of course I have a belly, but this one is filled is stuffed. The first thing that came in mind was, put this back in the wrap, because I do not like my present.

It seems that I still have certain images I hold on to, otherwise it would only have been a finding or a fact, that I had gained weight after winter. I always gain weight in winter, some extra fat to keep me warm. Normally I would see myself daily in the mirror, my belly and my image in the mirror would grow slowly but surely along with me. It wouldn’t have given this shock, I would have been gradually gotten used to my new size.

I still fit in my clothes so there is not much to make a fuss about. In fact that would have been the only thing I would have made a fuss about. Making all new clothes takes a lot of time and money, which I do not want to spend if it’s for no good reason. Therefore no big motions, I still fit in to them, I only now am feeling the limits of my clothes. My clothes are saying, till here and no further. So I’m back at a “diet” of only eating what my body needs and not extra stuff because it tastes good.

After 2 days of non-useless and non-mindless eating I already feel a bit lighter, which is of course bull shit. By not taking the extra’s for 2 days I can impossibly lose all my winter fat. This brings me to the point of feeling, after my unwrapping I was just before having my menstruation. In that period I always feel like a huge person due to the fact that I have fluid retention and swollen breasts. Winter fat plus fluid retention gave me the impression, the feeling that I gained many many kilo’s. Now 2 days later when the fluid retention is gone and I took responsibility for my diet again, I feel kilo’s lighter. I didn’t take any measurements so it’s purely feelings that as I can see, cannot be trusted. So as long as I hang on to these feelings, I cannot be trusted and I am dishonest in fact.

Gaining wait is something that happens for a purpose or out of a purpose, all the emotions,  feelings and fears around it are distracting me from what is really happening. What really happend was me listening to my back chat, the voice in my head. Then when I become a bit more familiar again with my body, I woke up in the morning and turned around in bed what hurt my right breast. I automatically touched the place where it did hurt and I felt a lump in my breast. A big shock went through my body while still not completely awake. OMG a lump in my breast! Every PMS period gives me lumps in my breast and they go away after I had my menstruation. The whole day these thoughts about the lump came up and with that the memory of my sister-in-law who had breast cancer. Somebody in my village had breast cancer and now a brain tumor. Before I knew it I had this chain reaction of thoughts about other people’s illnesses. So I had to stop and no longer participate. Which is not easy, to find the line between ignoring/suppressing or really not participating. Nevertheless I still fear lumps and cysts and things that were not there before. The painful breasts have gone now and so have most of the lumps, it’s time to really connect again with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my image in the mirror and therefore accepting separation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat accumulate my thoughts and lead me to places in the mind that are not in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alienated from my physical body after winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings around illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my feelings as real and as valid measurement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate and at the same time have fears around it of not knowing if it’s ignoring/suppressing or really not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to a certain body image, that of a flat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to personality/image and therefore holding on to my ego.

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The bathroom scale 03/02/2011

This morning while picking up the bathroom scale I had this memory flash of buying this particularly scale from Ikea. We already had a scale, one with a clock face, a manual one. Every time when I stood on the scales I didn’t trust the amount of kilo’s it was pointing out to me. A nice one actually, I didn’t trust that what was pointed out to me and didn’t want to look at the clock face for being confronted with the actuality of that moment. So what does a well programmed being in such a situation? Desiring for another scale, one that is precise and never lies. Ooh Sylvia what were you wishing for? So after repeatedly asking my partner P. when he drove by an Ikea to bring home a digital bathroom scale, finally we bought one when we were together at Ikea. I felt like a kid with a handfull of candies. When we came home I tried the scale, I wasn’t the first one and I wasn’t that eager. I had formed this idea that a digital scale never makes mistakes,  it probably doesn’t make mistakes, but was that the point I was dealing with? I stilled the desire for a trustful scale, but did I still the trust within myself?

When I, at the age of 21, followed my self made diet I didn’t have a scale, I simply watched my body and how I was fitting into my clothes. Back then I convinced myself that I didn’t need a scale, which was kind of looking the other way and having a back door in case I didn’t loose that an amount of weight as I desired. I became skinny on a strict though varied diet, not that I was fat to begin with, but as every women I had these pictures in my head of what was preferable when it came to body image and what not. My parents thought I was too skinny and prey to all kinds of flues and colds. I didn’t see myself as too skinny I was on the look for a man. Till so far I hadn’t been successful with the body image I had and with finding a stable relationship, so common sense for me in that moment was to change the outside.

After birthing my 2 children my body was dilapidated, a belly muscle torn and was irreparable. I didn’t like my body and I had hoped for more elastic skin. I compared myself with girlfriends who were like an elastic band, they gained back their old figure after a few weeks. It took me a few years and even then it wasn’t as before. I could have compared myself with girlfriends who never got into their normal figure again, but I choose not. It had to do with the perfect body image picture inside of my mind. If I had only known that I was chasing ghost, a never achievable picture inside my mind, and I was due to fail.

When I became a mom programs started to run which I allowed to led me make always the choice for healthy food. My environment was praising me for being a good mom while both my kids were very difficult eaters. This made me go further into this health construct, if the kids were eating almost nothing then it had to be healthy food. Years went by and I didn’t see that I was involved within a pattern and what I was heading for. The day arrived when I decided that my family was going almost raw. The missing piece of the puzzle. P. loved to eat salads and the kids liked their veggies only raw and also to me this “diet” appealed. Why did it appeal? Within the research I had done on going raw I had seen flashes of loosing weight as side effect. I saw that I was finally able to loose some weight, even the scale was my friend again. I felt healthy and I was happy with my body image.

At the time that I started participating on the Desteni open forum I realised that my mind had been tricking me into this health construct and that I had allowed and accepted it. Various emotions came along to be dealt with, regret, shame, anger etc. Also this was a side effect of what I was really dealing with. I bought the digital scale and almost never used it afterwards. It was me not trusting myself and hiding away from this fact. When looking at myself in the mirror I often saw a strange person that didn’t fit the picture in my mind of this slim perfect lady. I didn’t trust myself to ever become this picture and I didn’t trust myself with food. I never ate compulsive, but did ate too much or too little I hadn’t yet established self trust within my food intake. Now I occasionally muscle communicate to see if I’m on the right track and I am. I still eat too much now and then, but I know this already before I eat it and do it intentionally, which gives me the opportunity to investigate what’s going on.

The picture I see of myself in reality now is who I am in that moment. It changes along with the phase I’m in within my process. Shaving my head has assisted me immensely to be able to see myself without all kinds of decoration. Just a step in the right direction, it was fun to search through my memories after the flash back of the bathroom scale. I aslo see that I have still a lot of loose ends, but in time I will pick them up and adress them. Step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust what I point out to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the actuality of the moment while being confronted with my weight

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my idea that a digital scale never lies and that I therefore need such a tool to give me trust that I can not find inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a back door while dieting to prevent regret and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that changing my body image would resolve all underlining issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that after birthing 2 kids I would be cool with a dilapidated body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within a health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that going raw was good so I could loose weight and gain my perfect body weight.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and ever become the picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with food.