Sylvia's writing to freedom

Contortionist 10/02/2011

Last night I wrote a blog about the unfair judgements and grades within the school system. The blog represented the event of going to school to collect my kids reports, the disfunction of the grading system and the disfunction of teachers. I wrote about how I react towards school related events now my kids are walking the school system, but I didn’t get to the point of who I am within this all. I rewrote the blog and still ended up with more of the same. So I clearly wasn’t ready in that moment to open up this point and to see what was underneath it. This morning I made a vlog about why I had been reacting in the first place and to investigate if it would make a difference, or if it would push me through this layer in which I was stuck, when I spoke the words out loud.

When speaking out loud I realised that it was anger what I felt. When I started kindergarten I tried a few ways, like standing beside my desk instead of sitting, to investigate how much space and freedom there was for me to be myself within the rules of the school system. I had quite a strong will, and in these days it was quite normal to experience breaking the will of a child as an educational tool, in order to get a good behaving child. It started already when I was born, I was given milk at certain times a day and not necessarily when I was hungry. The advise was to let babies cry and not react on it, the crying would go away and the end result a baby that wasn’t spoiled and wasn’t ruling the household. We are talking about babies here and not about terrorists. Well hey, that were the good old times. So at home there wasn’t much space for terrorism I tried to throw in some tantrums and also here my parents got the advise to break my will at this point and to put my head under the cold water tap to end it. I ended up with fear of water, but that was only collateral damage.

Within my first weeks school, I understood there was not such a thing as freedom at school. It felt like being bend into the wrong direction, when you practise a lot you will one day end up like a contortionist. A contortionist that can be bend in all directions except for the direction to Self. Over the years I kept trying to rebel in tiny little almost risk free things, but I ended always up at the same point as I started. So no freedom at school for me and this feeling of powerlessness accumulated over the years into a latent form of anger and was playing out in a polarity of good and bad. I was always a model student or was reaching towards it. All to cover up the anger, the powerless feeling of not being able to be me and stand as me as life.

When I started University I reacted strongly on teachers who judged me personally in what ever way based on zero information other then assumptions. It was as if my freedom for being the person that I had become, was brutally taken away from me. In essence they hurt my ego/identity that I had formed to cover up the latent anger in the previous years. In fact the judging, these teachers did, could have been an indication to me, as I had only knew, that I was judging myself for not standing as me in every moment and every breath. I knew that the only way to show myself, for what I thought that was me, was by fighting for it and going against the flow. I also knew unconscious that this fighting could take the lid of my anger and not knowing if I would transform into a terrorist. So I did nothing but suppressed. The day my daughter A. went to her first play group and came home disappointed that she hadn’t been taught how to read, my entire pattern reactivated again.

The strong reactions I have on the current school system and the pathetic behavior of the current teachers was a perfect cover up for my anger. I could lash out at others while I remained unaffected and that’s not the way I intend to do things according to the Desteni way of life. Within taking this whole point back to self I see that I no longer can accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern of angriness. There remains still the fact that the current school system isn’t bringing forth effective new humans who can build a better world. No we instead educate our children how to be mean, how to cheat, how to put a minimum effort in your study, how to identify yourself with fake identities, how to choose for further education based on outdated job opportunities etc.etc. So I will do my part within this pattern in order to work on better ways to offer education to our children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anger be the spokesman for my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Choosing the be the good because of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my anger for not being myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on judging from others towards me, the judging of my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not standing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my anger and instead choosing to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and not going with the flow, so in fact separating myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current school system to cover up my own issues and use it to allow myself to lash out on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself, my own world and my experience of myself-instead I diverted this self responsibility to the hands of manifestations separate from me because I didn’t allow myself to stand up for life as life as me of oneness and equality for all as one as equal. Veno

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience me. Veno

I am the directive principle of me

I am life

I am here

I am breath

I am standing

Till here no further: I am not my patterns

When I see myself participating within an energy pattern such as anger. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I am the directive force and will not be directed by an energy such as anger. I also realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

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Searching for the key while it has always been in the door 07/02/2011

The last couple of days the weather has been like early spring weather. Big snow lumps at the side of the road are waiting to be melted away by the sun. Winter means cold to me, cold outside and cold inside. Today the temperature climbed to a 13 degrees Celsius, so not bad at all for a winter day. We live at the foot of the Black Mountain and shadow covers most of our garden in winter. Around 11 am the sun showed itself quite powerful in our garden, my partner P. and I had planned for a walk around noon, but P. had to work longer then aspected. Years ago I would also have stayed inside, but now I went outside on my own to simply sit in a chair enjoying the sun on my skin. I really enjoy the touch of the sun sun rays on my skin, much of my body was still covered, nevertheless this warmth fills my body and is a nice shift from the cold.

Around the age of 16 the moment that my female hormons ruled my body I suffered from decreased blood circulation which makes my fingers and toes go white and really cold. Another sees just white/blue fingers and the fingers nor toes do feel really cold to another. When my fingers are in this stage they feel numb and it’s hard to do any precise work with them. When I met P. it disappeared within a year and it came back here in Italy while living in several cold houses. As a New Ager I wondered what the deeper meaning of this all was. P. said that his love had cured me, but that sounded even as a New Ager ridiculous to me. Within common sense this suffering was simply Reynauds disease which occurs within the age range of 20 to 40 years. I started sooner and it stopped when I was  27. Then it started again around 39/40 due to severe cold experiences. So most likely when I avoid extreme colds it will go away. No mystical mumbo-jumbo here.

My cold experiences here in Italy I also tried to interpret in a New Age like way, since I was still into spirituality within my first year here. I never found an answer. Lately P. said to me that I experience, according to his point of view, the cold in an extreme way. So by force of habit I started digging what this feeling cold could mean or say to me. I dug inside of me till I came out at the other end and saw the light. Well the light didn’t help at all. I left the being cold issue untreated and went on with life. Till I went for a walk Saturday and while climbing up the mountain I felt my blood circulating and I became nice warm while walking in the snow. At that point I realised that I had been doing way too much thinking on the “feeling cold” point. It was just common sense, I needed to move around more within my day to let my blood circulate better. I normally are inside the house sitting or behind my sewing machine or my computer at a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius. No wonder that I was cold and no wonder the Reynauds disease came back. Again no mumbo-jumbo, just plain common sense. Reynauds disease is connected with emotional distress in women so that can be a point to chew on.

If it depends on me we can fire the winter, just bring on Spring. The four seasons are the one stable thing on planet earth and I want to play God and fire winter. That’s what we do as humanity, destroying stability and then begging for stability.I just did it in one single sentence, we’re evil and searching for mumbo-jumbo solutions outside ourselves while the key is still inside. Common sense, the equality equation and doing what is best for all. This can be done in every moment and every breath, but we prefer to hold in our breath and wait for answers from out of space. We are simply fucked if we don’t change or do something about it. I experienced how simply common sense without the influence of emotions and feelings can bring stability and isn’t that what we all eventually want for ourselves and our world?

 

Where do I stand 08/01/2011

After writing some comments on Facebook today and writing about self-trust, I looked back on my process so far. I had to admit towards myself that I’ve been making progress, I’ve been taking on quite some points and I indeed gained more self-trust on these points.

It became so clear to me that I’m not those points based in fear and points of ego/personality which I always saw as a part of me and that I do have the power to not participate within them. Stopping myself and experiencing and living what breath really means.

In the beginning, 2,5 years ago, I understood the word breath and I defined the word breath according to my mind. Without breath there will be death, that was my actual understanding of the word. I had no idea that I could take back my power over myself by simply breathing. The breathing and the 21 days breathing I saw as an impossible mission, now I’ve proven to myself that it can be done.

While taking on several points I realized that I’ve only yet been scratching the surface and that it takes patience, time and breath to get to the core of it, but I will. I’m determined and I trust myself enough that I will get there.

A few blogs ago ( I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself) I found out that I fear the death of my ego, after writing that blog I also discovered that it had also to do with the fear of not rebirthing as the physical due to the amount of time I statistically have when it comes to life expectation. I’m not old, but I’m not 18 anymore. So I made peace with it, I can only do so much within self-honesty and within time. I’m simply passing the baton to my children and to everybody that’s living longer than me and willing to stand. I do not want to live my life with this one goal, rebirthing,  like a sword hanging over my head. This would mean specialness and ego again, so I walk my process in self-honesty and see where I end up, in a way it doesn’t matter as long as my process is done in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and to let the fear take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m my ego and that my personality is real and me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t in a position to take back my power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I within ego was real and had all the power I needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breath is only a physical necessity instead of seeing that breath is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see breathing as an impossibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can not rebirth myself as the physical due to age and make this my most important goal in life, instead of taking my process for what it is without any specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be special when rebirthing myself as the physical.


 

Breath 12/11/2010

A few days ago I left a comment on Lindsay’s blog, about the fact that I do not envy her for dealing with all her friends and old friends. I haven’t got that many “friends” left after about 30 times moving to a new place. The few old friends are mostly not very active with e-mail and can’t be found on the internet. So till this comment I wasn’t very determent by facing old friends. I shoved it off for later.

Yesterday I found an e-mail in my inbox of one of my old friends K.. It was a reply on an e-mail which I had send her 6 months ago after a comment of K. on my web shop. She wrote me that she isn’t an active e-mailer, but for me she would make an exception (?). Than more words about how bad she’s in replying and how shocked she was when she saw the date on the e-mail I had send her. Than she asked for my phone number and said that she would call me soon. Till so far no call. Yesterday evening I started to imagine about how it would be when she would call me, getting all worked up about it. What shall I say to her, how will she react. She obvious hasn’t seen any of my bald pictures so she has no clue of what I’m doing currently. Do I need to tell her all about it. Will she still be into Reiki, I was the one who introduced her into light work. Than I had a terrible cough fit and was almost hyperventilating. Only in that moment of discomfort I saw/realised what I was doing. I was projecting all kinds of irrelevant questions into the future. For what? The fear of extending/expanding myself? Yes, that’s the fear I muscle tested it, because in facing old friends I extend myself in self-honesty in every breath and every moment. Directing me on a self willed base through these encounters. This cough fit sucks and feels quite shitty. I certainly commit to self honesty, but I still have this polarity within me represented by two voices, the mind and I… In the moment of the fit I got hold on my breath again and forgave myself.

Today my partner P. totally stripped my laptop to put in a new hard disk. Therefore I had no access to my computer. Yesterday I made the commitment to myself to do each morning a vlog and each evening a blog. I reacted on the fact that I couldn’t do a vlog and there wasn’t going to be another moment to do a vlog. Though I wanted to do it around noon there was a moment free, but by then my voice wasn’t cooperating. I built up more frustration and at the time when I was taking my first bite in my cheese burger I choked in my food. P. and the kids looked at me as if they saw me die. The choking went into a hyperventilation attack/panik attack, it was as if I had to breath through a straw. I went into the kitchen, I tried to calm myself down by doing the four count breathing. It was quite difficult this time. I needed air and opened the kitchen door, my mind suggested fresh air. Of course the attack was indoors the same as outdoors, what’s the difference when it’s all about me. I walked within a pacing run underneath my clothesline trying to get some breathe again and doing the four count breathing. I wanted to pull myself up as if I had fallen into this deep pitch and had to crawl up. My mind made me believe that I was about to die, but I saw really clear what delusion my mind was taking me in. I DID NOT ACCEPTED IT AND I CANNOT ALLOW MY MIND TO DIRECT ME. I did self forgiveness inside my head, because talking wasn’t yet possible. My God what am I doing to myself? Just out of the fear of extending myself, how can this fear be true? How real is fear, this fear is a perception of my mind to keep me in its grip and to keep me enslaved in fear. NO, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE WITHIN FEAR AND THE MIND. I’M NOT OF THE MIND, I’M OF LIFE AND I CAN EXTEND MYSELF WITH SO MUCH EASE THAT IT WOULD FREAK MY MIND OUT. Who died ever of extending oneself? All I have to do is be aware of this trap and in the end diffuse the point. I can do that. I can change from within just as everybody, we have to. If we can not even direct ourselves, what has to become of this world that is a perfect reflection of ourselves?

I went indoors and the kids and P. were very relieved that I spoke and was breathing normal again. This point is a though one, but I will get through it and waiting for the next point to show up.