Sylvia's writing to freedom

Skipping a blog and skipping a chat, but catching introspective 25/02/2011

I missed a blog and a chat last night, nevertheless I worked till deep in the night on my SRA homework. My SRA group is working on mind constructs at the moment and I had to write a lot of time lines to complete my mind construct. Mind constructs are helping you deconstruct the mind in a structural way so that after quite some practice you’re able to direct every situation. Through this directing you’re able to act and speak in self honesty within several situations and to take responsibility for yourself. By doing this you avoid unnecessary back chat and therefore less mess to clean up.

It was a lot of work, but I did enjoy every minute of it. The more I wrote down the more I’ve got this overview of what was happening and seeing what my part is within this mind construct about my father-in-law. In a way it’s peeling away layers and discovering your evil side and I saw it waving at me. This time I didn’t fear this evil of mine, I expected it to be there. Although the comfortable habit of blaming others for what I caused has dropped and I have still to adjust and really understand what it was that I’ve been up to till now. Once I understood that it is always my responsibility how things turn out in my life, I am less fearful for what I’ve been covering up and going to discover. When this mind construct is completely finished and I therefore will be able to take responsibility for all my actions within this mind construct, I will share the whole story.

While doing this construct I could already see how beneficial a mind construct will be on my relationship with my mother. The funniest part is that I saw this relationship as one of my most “normal” one’s. Looking now at it with my mind construct x-ray eyes I see that at a certain point I felt the need, after an experience where I thought I had to protect my mom, to take her by her hand. I started parenting my mom while she is more then capable of taking care of herself. Due to my overprotected mother-like behavior we’ve been in several situations together where I wondered why she was acting the way she did and why I had to jump in and take her by the hand. She probably only responded to my behavior. Last week she called me and said that she was sad about the fact that I didn’t call her, which I did but I only spoke to my dad. I reacted to her like she was a whining irritated child and later after reflecting on the situation it struck me, the fact that I was mothering my mother for no real reason at all. So this calls for a mind construct as well, to get to the bottom of it.

I see so clear now that I have been limiting myself in such a big way. I didn’t do things, out of fear, and I assumed a bad outcome even before making any attempt. I stopped a lot of interactions with others even before they took place or could have taken place. What an irony and limitation to not even begin something out of this psychic knowing that I would fail anyways. Things like: I will not address that problem, because they won’t understand it, I will not speak with him, because he doesn’t want to speak with me. If I’m like this then every human must equally be like me, we are all automated organic robots making the same loops over and over again. So lots of time we do not connect to each other, because we think we already know that it isn’t going to work with each other. Based on fake ideas we do no longer direct ourselves, but the ideas do. It’s just too ridiculous that we exist as such limited beings and call ourselves intelligent creatures that stand above the animal and plant kingdom. Hilarious and time to stop this way of living.

We should all be locked up for a few years and do mind constructs. When we pass we’re released in society again, when not, happy mind fucks. Those people will be locked up for ever, If you live within your mind you do not recuire much space, you’re already locked up inside yourself. I will not be locked up forever inside myself and will free myself from my back chat through writing it out and gaining more understanding for what I’ve been doing all my life. I fucked up so badly that fear has become such a master over me that I’m too scared to even see that. Time to stop and time to direct myself according to the rules of equality, what’s best for me is best for you and the rest of the world. So mind constructs it will be!