Sylvia's writing to freedom

Hot chocolate and a nice fire in the fireplace 03/03/2011

Last night it started snowing again and it snowed throughout the night. This morning when I woke up the whole world was white, covered in wet, heavy and sticky snow. My partner P. and I had to do our groceries so we took the car and went to the next town. The road was far more clean then we had expected, we even drove behind a tractor that was cleaning the road.

I looked outside while sitting in the car and watched this winter landscape. My associations with a snowy landscape are those of inconveniences. To most people this landscape appeals to the imagination and they experience it as romantic. They connect the landscape to for instance hot chocolate, skating, skiing, fire place and a feeling of comfort. For my son J. snow meant Christmas even if we not really celebrated Christmas.

So when people do see a snowy landscape they immediately step out of reality and hide themselves in all kind of memories and associations around snow. Thereafter they tell you how much they like snow and you are no longer talking to someone here in that moment, instead you talk to someone that  is entangled in all kind of past tense delusions.

When I watched the trees today, while looking outside the car, I didn’t see any romantic scenery. This kind of sticky snow is quite heavy on the branches of trees and shrubs. They are in a way fighting for their life or at least their health. When the snow get too heavy and the wind hasn’t been able to blow some of the snow off the branches will snap under the weight of the snow. That was what I saw many many branches snapped and still hanging half attached to the tree or shrubs. So the trees and shrubs have in a way open wounds within freezing weather, how could that in any way what so ever be romantic.

How come that we are so deluded that we can not even see what is really going on. Nature is struggling and crying out in pain and we gossip while sipping our hot choco. It’s really sick to an extent that we are so fucked up, not facing ourselves and not all taking responsibility that we turn off our head from reality and disappear within our mind. The bad news is that we not only treat trees and shrubs like shit we do it with all of creation including ourselves. Sick. Time to stand up and take responsibility, we have to, before our world collapse and diminish and we still celebrate the beauty of nature while spreading light and love to blind us till eternity.

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Searching for the key while it has always been in the door 07/02/2011

The last couple of days the weather has been like early spring weather. Big snow lumps at the side of the road are waiting to be melted away by the sun. Winter means cold to me, cold outside and cold inside. Today the temperature climbed to a 13 degrees Celsius, so not bad at all for a winter day. We live at the foot of the Black Mountain and shadow covers most of our garden in winter. Around 11 am the sun showed itself quite powerful in our garden, my partner P. and I had planned for a walk around noon, but P. had to work longer then aspected. Years ago I would also have stayed inside, but now I went outside on my own to simply sit in a chair enjoying the sun on my skin. I really enjoy the touch of the sun sun rays on my skin, much of my body was still covered, nevertheless this warmth fills my body and is a nice shift from the cold.

Around the age of 16 the moment that my female hormons ruled my body I suffered from decreased blood circulation which makes my fingers and toes go white and really cold. Another sees just white/blue fingers and the fingers nor toes do feel really cold to another. When my fingers are in this stage they feel numb and it’s hard to do any precise work with them. When I met P. it disappeared within a year and it came back here in Italy while living in several cold houses. As a New Ager I wondered what the deeper meaning of this all was. P. said that his love had cured me, but that sounded even as a New Ager ridiculous to me. Within common sense this suffering was simply Reynauds disease which occurs within the age range of 20 to 40 years. I started sooner and it stopped when I was  27. Then it started again around 39/40 due to severe cold experiences. So most likely when I avoid extreme colds it will go away. No mystical mumbo-jumbo here.

My cold experiences here in Italy I also tried to interpret in a New Age like way, since I was still into spirituality within my first year here. I never found an answer. Lately P. said to me that I experience, according to his point of view, the cold in an extreme way. So by force of habit I started digging what this feeling cold could mean or say to me. I dug inside of me till I came out at the other end and saw the light. Well the light didn’t help at all. I left the being cold issue untreated and went on with life. Till I went for a walk Saturday and while climbing up the mountain I felt my blood circulating and I became nice warm while walking in the snow. At that point I realised that I had been doing way too much thinking on the “feeling cold” point. It was just common sense, I needed to move around more within my day to let my blood circulate better. I normally are inside the house sitting or behind my sewing machine or my computer at a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius. No wonder that I was cold and no wonder the Reynauds disease came back. Again no mumbo-jumbo, just plain common sense. Reynauds disease is connected with emotional distress in women so that can be a point to chew on.

If it depends on me we can fire the winter, just bring on Spring. The four seasons are the one stable thing on planet earth and I want to play God and fire winter. That’s what we do as humanity, destroying stability and then begging for stability.I just did it in one single sentence, we’re evil and searching for mumbo-jumbo solutions outside ourselves while the key is still inside. Common sense, the equality equation and doing what is best for all. This can be done in every moment and every breath, but we prefer to hold in our breath and wait for answers from out of space. We are simply fucked if we don’t change or do something about it. I experienced how simply common sense without the influence of emotions and feelings can bring stability and isn’t that what we all eventually want for ourselves and our world?

 

Living together 21/01/2011

It’s winter and it’s our fourth winter here in Italy. Our first winter wasn’t a cold winter, nevertheless the house was cold and we lived in a room temperature around 11 degrees Celsius. The wind blew through the walls and windows. We tried to heat the rooms which was a difficult task and basically meant that we were heating the inside and outside of the house. Our second winter started in this house and we decided to look for another place, the wood stove we used was an attack on our health and we were longing for a “normal” heated house.

 

Since we are living in Italy I’ve been really cold. In Holland I never bothered about the cold in winter as a grown up. It was as if the scale was blowing to the other side. In Holland I never wore really warm cloths in winter, now here in Italy I wear at least 5 different layers of clothing. As if it is a polarity that I’m  living out through which I’m now experiencing only the cold. Or when one grows older one becomes cold due to all that is accepted and allowed. In that case I can heat myself by doing SF and applying self corrective statements, just turning the process of ignorance and accepting and allowing. lol

 

We moved to an apartment, some sort of a barbi house. It was so small that half of our furniture had to be put away in the relatively big garage we had. That winter was a warm and cosy winter, cold outside while we were warm inside our little house. Due to lack of space and my business that was growing we had to find ourselves another home. We found a big house for a really low rent and decided to take it, it was spring and we didn’t think too much about winter. We knew that heating the house would be a problem, but we figured that it was better then our first home here in Italy. How wrong had we’ve been. The first year we literarily burnt our reserve money for a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius and we were still cold. This year we decided to approach things more in common sense.

 

Without a substantial job there was no money to heat the whole house. Last year we closed the big spacious living room due to the cold and not being able to raise the temperature above the 13 degrees Celsius. This year we looked at it again and we saw that when we took out the door between the living room and dining room, which is already connected to the kitchen, we had even more space than in our Barbi apartment. We decided to put a wood burning stove in the living room and with the fire place in the dining room we could maybe reach 18 degrees.

 

We were all used to having our own space/room to work or play. The most practical solution was to make a corner for all 4 of us and spend winter living close together. In the apartment although it was smaller we had different rooms to for a moment be able to separate one from the hectic of family life. My partner P. made his office in one corner, I installed my 3 sewing machines and my computer in another corner, my son J. took his desk and computer downstairs and my daughter A. who loves the couch and never works behind her desk decided to claim the big sofa to hibernate. The kids go to school only in the morning, 6 days a week and only very recently P. started to go to the office 3 times a week, so that gives me 3 mornings of total possession over the living room. Around Christmas we were all at home for about 14 days, but it worked well. We made certain rules and applied “what’s best for all” whenever there was a disagreement. It has been such a great experience, nobody can hide away, all is seen and all is in the open. When we as parents discuss things the kids discuss with us and we’ve been tackling a lot of topics due to the fact that we were together. We learned to function as a whole and frustrations were taken on right away. When spring arrives and we all will move back again in our own spaces we will probably miss each other’s presence. We already did visit each other regularly, but that will probably increase. Over all a nice experiment.