Sylvia's writing to freedom

Headache 14/08/2011

After lunch my partner P. and I  went for a nice walk in the snow, we watched how our children were sledding from the hill and went for a short visit at Dutch friends of us who have a holiday home here in the village. When we got home I felt that I had a severe headache, like 2 painful circles around my eyes. Over the past months I’ve been experiencing quite some physical pain and physical discomfort, but a headache till so far wasn’t one of them.

The visit at I.&G. could be the cause of it. We were amongst other subjects talking about the education system. They both are teachers, I. is already many years out of the education system and G. is a teacher at a girls prison. I told them about our experiences with the teachers here in Italy and about the recent parent interviews. I felt how I went into this energy charge and how I was still holding on to anger towards the education system and the attitude of most teachers towards students. The 4 of us agreed upon the fact that the education system is a fuck up. So I said, doesn’t have everybody the right on qualitative high education? Than I. started to explain how difficult that is to achieve, but he only saw it from the perspective of our current world. I’d liked to discuss how the Equal Money System would end this disfunction of the system. From previous conversations I know that they are not ready to see/experience the world in common sense and where their responsibility lies. It’s a pity having to stop the conversation there, at the point on which we all agreed that the current education system is dysfunctional. Just one step further is seeing that the system wherein the education system functions is also dysfunctional and needs an entire make over. Than I. stated that he’s glad that he hasn’t got children in the ages of 10-14 anymore, he thinks he probably can’t cope with the fact that the system is so fucked up and that his kids were forced to function within it. In fact he was saying that he was glad to not be within that system anymore and no longer being frustrated and angry at it anymore. That’s separation and simply stating that whenever he doesn’t experience it, it isn’t there anymore or it just disappears. It won’t go away and the system in general is our creation, looking away one still allows and accepts it. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t. I did not know if he would understand my reaction or comment…

Then they told us about their new wine business, importing Italian wine and salami’s into Holland. Just before that P. told them that he had completely stopped with alcohol, but of course they couldn’t relate to it. Last Monday they gave P. a bottle of wine to thank him for pulling their car out of the snow on mount “Nerone”.  In that moment P. hadn’t told them yet that he didn’t drink alcohol anymore so they were a bit insecure about their gift now they found out.

We’ve always many points on which I would like to confront them with their own statements and tell them that it doesn’t all have to end with a feeling of being powerless or the urge to just not see/watch what’s going on in the world. We can stop this misery that we call life. But what is the use to act upon an urge to want to talk about Desteni related subjects with people whenever they aren’t ready for it at all. Being a living example would make already the difference and explaining how I see things when they ask me about it. Maybe I need to be less harsh on myself and not feel disappointed for not addressing these points as I would like them to address. I saw it as not standing up, but isn’t it just common sense to know where to push things within a conversation and where to leave the point for the moment and only show to the other how I approach certain things in life?

I muscle tested if the headache was a point of being too harsh on myself and I tested out for yes. I was sure that it was about not standing so that’s one illusional opinion less.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this anger towards the education system wherein my kids have to function.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the teachers at my children’s school for being prejudiced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the fact that teachers on my children’s school are not willing to see the students as individuals, but instead seeing them as students with predetermined qualities.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the fact that I. suggested to bribe the teachers in order to let my children pass.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react on the bribing idea with a feeling of that’s wrong, that’s not how the world should work.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be too harsh on myself to stand up within the conversation with I. & G.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the opinion of not standing up when a conversation doesn’t go as I would like it to go.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed for not addressing all points I see within others.

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Running back chat and inner conflict about pills and alcohol 18/04/2011

My friends G. & I. were visiting us. They are a Dutch couple that owns a second home here in the village. We take care of the house when it comes to official phone calls for gas, electricity and water. In summer we welcome their guests who stay in their house and afterwards I clean and wash the bedding and towels. They once said after taking us out for dinner that they wanted to strengthen the relationship by having also a social relationship with us. I wasn’t really searching for such a thing, but merely following the money. Not so much greed just pleasing my bosses so to speak. It’s a tiny bit of money we make on it and every summer the amount of guests differs.

Right away I had, while being in conversation and speaking to G., the lady of the couple, a vivid back chat going on. In a way I felt compromised by the money I decided to follow. So I didn’t really speak up and when I did I could clearly see that we were living in separate worlds. Every time we saw each other I felt quite shitty afterwards, did my self-forgiveness, but didn’t see how to combine the role as “friend” and “worker”. Both roles I had forced myself into through the need of money.

Within the last few conversations we had I saw their opinions change and also their view on the world, but still from a luxurious position. They started to see the fucked-upness around them. He’s out of work and probably already too old to get on the working force again, but still enjoying an unemployment benefit. The reaction of I. on his new situation and new view of the world is that of wanting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Only wanting to look at their own little world and living situation is what the new input does with them.

I started to be more in control while being with them, meaning not the few euros being my motivation to stand or not stand within conversation. Our last encounter was really challenging me. At a certain point G. told me that she had stopped drinking alcohol due to medication and according to her it hadn’t been a big deal. Which surprised me since they found always an occasion to drink a few glasses of wine. So my back chat didn’t believe her while my poker face was straight. Then she told me that she stopped her anti-depressants to get rid of the medication. As a teacher in a girls prison her students had asked her what was wrong. Even one had said: G. you can get medication for your condition you know. That was it, for her. When she came home she took a pill and decided not to stop with the anti-depressants when considering it again. The same day she started drinking alcohol again, because according to her, alcohol and pills would not harm her.

This triggered a whole shit load of back chat within me. Like opening the box of Pandora. How can she think that pills and alcohol will not harm her. Look how dishonest she is, I’ve seen her like this before. She thinks that she’s fucking on top of her life, but look what a fuck up. She lost a breast due to breast cancer, had plastic surgery to recreate a new breast. How can she not respect her own body. And then my inner struggle started. I wanted to speak to her about the risks of what she was doing and had been doing, yet I saw no possibility to talk about this to someone who thinks she’s God herself. Sacred. I wanted to speak yet I felt physically incapable to speak. In the end I didn’t say anything and left myself with a horrible feeling of having failed. She seemed doing more than okay and on top of the world and in a way I was blaming her for my shitty feelings.

So what is it that I want to save such a person that obvious is not seeing the need for being saved. I feel like shit, because I clearly know more about alcohol, or probably we both know the same only she doesn’t take it as a warning and doesn’t take her responsibility. Her breast cancer says already enough about how less she cares about herself. Can one save such a being? Is it worth to allow myself for having these kind of nasty back chat and reep the fruits from it? I should simply stick to common sense without feelings/emotions/fears when I speak to her and reflect back to her what she is saying or simply stop these kind of conversations. Nothing can justify back chat and nothing is worth it. When I compromise myself I’m doing the same as her, the same thing I want to save her from. Maybe it’s time to focus on me, instead of deluding myself within savior perils.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fake relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised by the money, while it was me who decided to step into this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty about forcing myself into the role of friend and worker at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money make my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at their financial status while I. was unemployed just like my partner P. while I. was receiving welfare and we none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge I. for wanting to separate himself from the world, instead of seeing that we are in this situation due to separating ourselves from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge G. for disregarding her body and compromising herself, while I see that also within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous in a way at them for being quite ignorant and enjoying life while having a second home, just traveled to Hong Kong, visiting Italy every month etcetera, while I do not accept ignorance anymore and see the fucked-upness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than G. due to understanding what pills and alcohol do to one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having failed in saving her from disinformation or believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame G. for the shitty feelings I had cerated and accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save someone else while I’ll have to focus first on  myself and save myself first in order to reach out to others who want to be assisted and supported.

 

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.

 

Cutting back on our children through education 26/02/2011

Today my son J. came home from school and told me that he had to make a shopping list for the stationers. Apart from the normal notebooks and drawing paper, the art teacher wanted colored tracing paper in at least 4 colors. Two weeks ago the art teacher wanted yarn in at least 4 colors, she comes up with all kinds of materials outside the curriculum. I understand she likes to spice up the art lessons and the education system here in Italy has had this year tremendous cutbacks. So the choice is, letting the parents buy extra materials over and over again or just stick to pencil and paper and learn the students the basics of drawing. It frustrates me to buy way too much art materials for quite useless art expressions while I can use that money for better purposes like my basic needs.

Instead of letting all the students buy their own extra materials for art lessons which results often in buying too much due to the packages the materials come in. One group of students could buy one color of a certain material and other groups could buy other colors. In this case the amount of materials would also be more precise and less a waste of money and materials. Another scenario is giving money to the teacher and let her buy the right materials in the right amounts. All not that difficult to come up with just common sense.

Another problem apart from the cutbacks in education and having to buy more school materials yourself then before, is that a lot of parents lost their jobs due to the crisis. So the teacher assumes that every student is always financially capable of buying these extra art materials. Half of the students show up with the materials the others bring nothing, because their parents simply don’t have the money. This art teacher thinks her subject is the most important one of all, but lets say I neither do have the money to buy all the books for my child. Then the child is fucked, the lessons take place with or without a book, you simply flank the subject. There are funds for the people with the lowest income ever, but if you as a parent lose your job after this funding has taken place, then you are left with nothing. So the system is spiting you.

Buying these extra materials is not always a necessary, but I do understand that the teacher wants to teach in an appealing way to the students. Till now it was Middle School I was talking about, already in elementary school the teachers became inventive and lazy after the first cutbacks from the government over the last years. My kids had always gymnastics as part of the school curriculum, all of a sudden the same teachers were no longer capable of teaching sports. So they hired a local physiotherapist to do the job, all students had to pay €10 for 10 lessons and they all had to go to the local stationers to buy a yoga mat for €20, 10 lessons for €30. So all of a sudden my child had only 10 gymnastic lessons over the whole school year period and I had to pay €30 because the teachers were too lazy to do it themselves. It turned out that the local physiotherapist was in need for a small extra job and he did a favor to the local stationers to let her sell the yoga mats. The same happend with music lessons, €10 for 10 lessons. So now I was paying €40 for extra lessons that the teachers could have done themselves, but they gave the job to someone who could use some extra money due to the crisis. All extremely noble, but is it in the best interest of all?

For me this wasn’t going to work out. I spoke to the teachers and parents and nobody saw what my problem was. It’s only €10 euros for 10 lessons, that is cheap they said. Indeed that’s cheap if I compare that with music lessons, sports or art lessons outside of school. I’m talking about money that I have to pay otherwise my child misses out on education. I tried it with the music lessons and asked the teacher where my son had to go when I didn’t pay. He would have gone out of the classroom with his own teacher and do some homework. So he was removed from the system as he wasn’t paying. I paid I didn’t want him to be separated from the group for an idealistic motive that didn’t solve the inequality that played out here.

The point is education how it presents itself now within the current capitalistic system with all the cutbacks the government makes, is like education that equals to education within a third world country. The buildings are old and sometimes even dangerous, the furniture is really old and most educational materials the parents have to buy themselves. By law you have to attend school, but what is the value? The teachers teach still like there is money, even school advise for the students about what to study in a later stadium and what profession to become, are based on the times where work/jobs were still available. So the system runs like always and doesn’t see that the equipement is old and is suffering severe and that it will collapse every moment now. Sounds familiar to me, aren’t we doing the same with our bodies throughout life and isn’t our society playing out the same movie here?

 

Searching for the key while it has always been in the door 07/02/2011

The last couple of days the weather has been like early spring weather. Big snow lumps at the side of the road are waiting to be melted away by the sun. Winter means cold to me, cold outside and cold inside. Today the temperature climbed to a 13 degrees Celsius, so not bad at all for a winter day. We live at the foot of the Black Mountain and shadow covers most of our garden in winter. Around 11 am the sun showed itself quite powerful in our garden, my partner P. and I had planned for a walk around noon, but P. had to work longer then aspected. Years ago I would also have stayed inside, but now I went outside on my own to simply sit in a chair enjoying the sun on my skin. I really enjoy the touch of the sun sun rays on my skin, much of my body was still covered, nevertheless this warmth fills my body and is a nice shift from the cold.

Around the age of 16 the moment that my female hormons ruled my body I suffered from decreased blood circulation which makes my fingers and toes go white and really cold. Another sees just white/blue fingers and the fingers nor toes do feel really cold to another. When my fingers are in this stage they feel numb and it’s hard to do any precise work with them. When I met P. it disappeared within a year and it came back here in Italy while living in several cold houses. As a New Ager I wondered what the deeper meaning of this all was. P. said that his love had cured me, but that sounded even as a New Ager ridiculous to me. Within common sense this suffering was simply Reynauds disease which occurs within the age range of 20 to 40 years. I started sooner and it stopped when I was  27. Then it started again around 39/40 due to severe cold experiences. So most likely when I avoid extreme colds it will go away. No mystical mumbo-jumbo here.

My cold experiences here in Italy I also tried to interpret in a New Age like way, since I was still into spirituality within my first year here. I never found an answer. Lately P. said to me that I experience, according to his point of view, the cold in an extreme way. So by force of habit I started digging what this feeling cold could mean or say to me. I dug inside of me till I came out at the other end and saw the light. Well the light didn’t help at all. I left the being cold issue untreated and went on with life. Till I went for a walk Saturday and while climbing up the mountain I felt my blood circulating and I became nice warm while walking in the snow. At that point I realised that I had been doing way too much thinking on the “feeling cold” point. It was just common sense, I needed to move around more within my day to let my blood circulate better. I normally are inside the house sitting or behind my sewing machine or my computer at a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius. No wonder that I was cold and no wonder the Reynauds disease came back. Again no mumbo-jumbo, just plain common sense. Reynauds disease is connected with emotional distress in women so that can be a point to chew on.

If it depends on me we can fire the winter, just bring on Spring. The four seasons are the one stable thing on planet earth and I want to play God and fire winter. That’s what we do as humanity, destroying stability and then begging for stability.I just did it in one single sentence, we’re evil and searching for mumbo-jumbo solutions outside ourselves while the key is still inside. Common sense, the equality equation and doing what is best for all. This can be done in every moment and every breath, but we prefer to hold in our breath and wait for answers from out of space. We are simply fucked if we don’t change or do something about it. I experienced how simply common sense without the influence of emotions and feelings can bring stability and isn’t that what we all eventually want for ourselves and our world?

 

Living together 21/01/2011

It’s winter and it’s our fourth winter here in Italy. Our first winter wasn’t a cold winter, nevertheless the house was cold and we lived in a room temperature around 11 degrees Celsius. The wind blew through the walls and windows. We tried to heat the rooms which was a difficult task and basically meant that we were heating the inside and outside of the house. Our second winter started in this house and we decided to look for another place, the wood stove we used was an attack on our health and we were longing for a “normal” heated house.

 

Since we are living in Italy I’ve been really cold. In Holland I never bothered about the cold in winter as a grown up. It was as if the scale was blowing to the other side. In Holland I never wore really warm cloths in winter, now here in Italy I wear at least 5 different layers of clothing. As if it is a polarity that I’m  living out through which I’m now experiencing only the cold. Or when one grows older one becomes cold due to all that is accepted and allowed. In that case I can heat myself by doing SF and applying self corrective statements, just turning the process of ignorance and accepting and allowing. lol

 

We moved to an apartment, some sort of a barbi house. It was so small that half of our furniture had to be put away in the relatively big garage we had. That winter was a warm and cosy winter, cold outside while we were warm inside our little house. Due to lack of space and my business that was growing we had to find ourselves another home. We found a big house for a really low rent and decided to take it, it was spring and we didn’t think too much about winter. We knew that heating the house would be a problem, but we figured that it was better then our first home here in Italy. How wrong had we’ve been. The first year we literarily burnt our reserve money for a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius and we were still cold. This year we decided to approach things more in common sense.

 

Without a substantial job there was no money to heat the whole house. Last year we closed the big spacious living room due to the cold and not being able to raise the temperature above the 13 degrees Celsius. This year we looked at it again and we saw that when we took out the door between the living room and dining room, which is already connected to the kitchen, we had even more space than in our Barbi apartment. We decided to put a wood burning stove in the living room and with the fire place in the dining room we could maybe reach 18 degrees.

 

We were all used to having our own space/room to work or play. The most practical solution was to make a corner for all 4 of us and spend winter living close together. In the apartment although it was smaller we had different rooms to for a moment be able to separate one from the hectic of family life. My partner P. made his office in one corner, I installed my 3 sewing machines and my computer in another corner, my son J. took his desk and computer downstairs and my daughter A. who loves the couch and never works behind her desk decided to claim the big sofa to hibernate. The kids go to school only in the morning, 6 days a week and only very recently P. started to go to the office 3 times a week, so that gives me 3 mornings of total possession over the living room. Around Christmas we were all at home for about 14 days, but it worked well. We made certain rules and applied “what’s best for all” whenever there was a disagreement. It has been such a great experience, nobody can hide away, all is seen and all is in the open. When we as parents discuss things the kids discuss with us and we’ve been tackling a lot of topics due to the fact that we were together. We learned to function as a whole and frustrations were taken on right away. When spring arrives and we all will move back again in our own spaces we will probably miss each other’s presence. We already did visit each other regularly, but that will probably increase. Over all a nice experiment.

 

 

Funny hat 16/12/2010

Since I shaved my head in March this year I was totally fine with it and I still am. This summer I’d made a hat/cap for the moments that I would be exposed too long to the sun. I was fine with that too. Now in winter when it became quite cold in our house (this morning it was 5 degrees Celsius in our bedroom ) due to not using the obsolete heating system, but instead using a stove in the living room. I started to wear a hat inside the house. Last winter I had knitted one for the size of my head including my hair, a bit loose but nice warm and that’s what matters.

Every time when we had people/visitors in our house I took off my “funny hat”, I felt ashamed. I saw myself as a dwarf of Snow White, the one named Dopey. He has big ears and a loose hat. I was aware of taking my hat off every time someone entered the house, but it was quite strong this feeling of shame about how I looked. Quite funny when I look back at it now, my shaved head never gave me this intense feeling of shame, but the “funny hat” did. So there are still some remains of ego/identity left, not that it surprises me it’s more that I had no idea to where these remains would come to confront me.

At a certain point my son J. started to make comments whenever I took off my hat. You did it again mom, he would say as if he was my conscience mind. Than he started to ask why I did it, because I kept doing it. I couldn’t really answer him, I hadn’t really looked into it and I was not really eager to investigate it. As if I was ashamed for my shame, can it get even more idiotic?

Yesterday I decided to make another hat for during the day and to use the old loose one in bed, with 5 degrees in your bedroom you simply need a hat. I did cut a long wisp out of fleece fabric and wrapped it around my head to sow it all together into a hat. I also wore this hat when making a video today to see if I had any reactions or feelings of shame, but nope non of it happend. So this hat doesn’t fit the term “funny hat”.

Maybe it has to do with not wanting to look silly, I prefer people to see me as a serious grown up. When I look like Dopey they can impossibly take me serious. Okay that was my mind talking. This mind statement says that when somebody talks common sense, but looks silly, the common sense is all of a sudden not valid anymore. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? When I’m stable and acting within equality and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t matter what kind of hat I wear in my house or wherever. This is all about how I want to present me to the outside world and it has nothing to do with simply being me no matter what. It’s the words that I live that count and not the picture presentation I like to give of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed while wearing a “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when other people see me wear this “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to presentate myself as serious as in presenting a perfect picture presentation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that speaking common sense changes into non valid talk while wearing a “funny hat”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate my degree of common sense according to my image/identity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind and not acting from the point of best for all.