Sylvia's writing to freedom

Kids & responsibility 1 25/03/2011

One of the most important questions a parent should be occupied with is, how do I learn my child what responsibility is and how do I  learn my child to be it’s own directive principle. It starts of with your own starting point of self honesty, there is no way your child is going to learn how to take responsibility when you do not walk that what you talk. That’s why you as a parent or care taker are the living example for your child. So it always starts with your self honesty and your application within reality.

As a mom of two kids of 11 and 14, I bring self-honesty on a daily basis into practice, which does not implies that I’m always successful within this. The beauty of living and interacting with kids is the fact that they respond immediately and reflect your points of dishonesty and points you still have to work on. There are also moments in which I have moved on, though my kids follow still my living example of my past, even though I moved on and changed myself in the best interest of all. In that case I do need to show my kids that they need to reprogram their behavior since it will lead to nothing constructive and is merely hanging into a loop I created for them to join me. So it’s my responsibility to cut the cycle/loop and show them how they should approach the new situation without emotions/feelings in common sense. To get some what practical I will illustrate this by an example of an event with my kids. I will outline the situation first, before starting of with sharing the event.

My relationship with my in-laws deteriorated over the years, first when the kids were small I was able to not interfere within the relationship of my kids and their grandparents. At a certain point when the kids became older I could not hide my stance towards my in-laws and they picked up that something was going on. Though still they went to stay with their grandparents in the summer holidays. I got in a situation where my in-laws got quite nasty, which I didn’t corrected at that time due to fears and needs. The kids started noticing the difference in the behavior of their grandparents and didn’t want to spend time with their grandparents anymore. We ended up in a situation where we didn’t see each other, but my in-laws kept communicating through e-mail and every time more nasty. The kids were confused to hear what their grandparents said about their parents and even about them. At that time I hadn’t yet directed myself fully.

So all this had happend and then my daughter A. had her 14th birthday and she got a parcel by mail from her grandparents and also my son J. received a gift. When I gave the parcels to them after the mailman had left, they weren’t thrilled. They took it like there was a bomb inside and had all kind of comments that showed how my living example had accumulated over time within their thinking patterns. First they were looking very unapprovingly at the gifts and indeed the gifts didn’t match what the kids were involved with in their life’s. When one does lose track of one another it’s not easy to find the perfect fitting gift. After a while they looked again and A. could already see how and for what she could use her gifts. J. was still upset that he got a book that his grandparents had been looking for since ages end finally they had found it and send it to him. He said, they know I do not like reading that much and I wasn’t looking for this book anyway.

That evening I asked them to send their grandparents an e-mail to confirm that the parcels had arrived. They protested against my request and the resistance was big, so I left it there and picked it up the next day. I asked them again if they would write an e-mail to tell their grandparents their parcels had arrived. This time they said, why should we send an e-mail we didn’t ask for the stuff they send. I explained that it wasn’t specific about the stuff it was just common sense to let others know that their parcels had arrived, nothing more and nothing less.  I reminded them of the time we had send a parcel and the receiver hadn’t communicated that our parcel had arrived. We asked it ourselves, but it would have been nice if they had let us know. Simple communication and participation. Now the kids understood what I wanted from them and promised to send the e-mail. After a week of asking if they already did send the e-mail my son J. started writing one. While he was sitting in front of the computer he decided also to write that he didn’t like to read books, though the story seemed to be exciting. This was great, he not only took responsibility for a simple communication point he also used communication to let his grandparents know that books are not the best gift to him, in which he was directing his own situation. A. took another week before responding and did the same as J.

I explained them that it wasn’t a matter of liking their grandparents and it had nothing to do with past experiences it was simply being here in the moment and communicating in a practical way to not plant seeds for more confusion at a later stage. In a way the kids were relieved and it felt comfortable for them to be their own directive principle and take in the end responsibility for this event. We talked more about how I was standing within this old conflict and they really felt they could do something about it instead of being the victim just as I had been showing them all along.

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Home sick or longing for myself? 10/03/2011

After watching Adrian’s vlog about his visit to Canada, his homeland, a point openend up for me. Adrian told about all the temptation on a consumeristic level and how he enjoyed the spontaneous conversations with others. Being able to respond in a natural way within human contact. Till now I hadn’t allowed myself to mesmerize about these points. I had put them aside as useless to whine about, but not really faced them.

I haven’t experienced any feelings of being home sick, in the way I perceive the word home sick. Home sick to me is really being sick due to missing home/country. In the beginning I missed certain foods and products due to the biased offer of foods in the shops. We simply have to travel 1 or 2 hours by car to buy certain products if lucky. The whole online selling is quite immature here in Italy, most of them do not trust buying online, even when they never tried it. The next problem with buying on line is the delivery, when you do not live in a city, the couriers make problems and deliver only on a strategic point for them.

It’s more the feeling of not being able to buy anything I would like and as I was used. Then when exploring this point further I see that it is nothing more then this feeling. I do not need all the stuff I once could buy and I wouldn’t buy it. So this must be rooted within the feeling or fear of having less, being left with nothing, what if… Being prepared for the unknown, which is ridiculous in itself, because I will never be enough prepared for something I do not know. It’s all distraction from now, the moment, here and facing myself within the moment here.

It’s the same with connecting with people, when I do not put effort within connecting with others how can I expect the same from others. After one bad experience with “friendship” here in Italy I gave up and avoided to really connect with people. I did hide behind the idea that friendship never was going to work with our current pre-programming. Though moments with people where I’m feeling equally to them and communicate spontaneously are rare. I simply have no big amount of experiences within normal day to day communication. Which makes me feel somewhat alone now and then. The feeling of belonging is in such moments compromised, but it’s me resisting it. I will never belong anywhere when I already made up my mind about the ideal communication between people. I never spoke here with anybody really in the moment without any mind shit around it. I never tried it yet I regret I never had it, how twisted is that?

In the beginning we tried to find the ultimate spot to build a house and live pretty isolated. We were chasing pictures in our mind of the perfect spot, which did not exist of course. I understand now that it doesn’t matter where or how I live, I will always live with me. I will always be confronted with me, no matter how far away from society, no matter how isolated I live, I still have to face me. It is me who has to make the effort and blaming others is a lame excuse to hide behind. This will be a though point, since it’s become a sort of coping mechanism to get going, I simply have to remember myself that these problems within communication would have occurred anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and hide behind longing for stuff to make me complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be prepared for the unknown without being prepared for myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be in the moment while connecting with people within communication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be equal to others within communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the connection with my outer world, instead of seeing that my connection or interaction with myself is on a low level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone while I am here all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret a connection I never had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglected the communication with myself

 

Asking 07/03/2011

Asking is a skill we all learn as soon as we can speak. As toddlers we understand that things will arrive at will when we ask for the subject. Milk, cookies, toys even kisses. At a certain point we get even pretty good at asking and fathom the art of manipulation within asking. The moment we ask, adults immediately act on it. Great, you are king within your own world.

When we get bigger and become a kid our parents and teachers tell us that it’s inappropriate to start asking for things when we want to. We have to wait in turn and when we keep asking for the same thing simply because our question hasn’t been rewarded we will be punished or called a by nag. So it’s make or brake, or we fine tune our manipulative skills or not asking for much.

Later in school rules are changed. The students who ask “intelligent” questions are rewarded and praised and those that are asking the same thing over and over again are seen as stupid. Those who do not ask are simply not noticed.

I was one of those unnoticed, because I hardly asked. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to be seen as a by nag or as stupid. So I developed an attitude of being proud of myself for figuring it all out by myself. Till the extent that asking felt like being incapable not up for the task, a failure. I have been in this mode till adulthood and feeling quite independent for dealing with my own affairs.

When starting with the Desteni material almost 3 years ago I understood that every form of communication I have with others equals asking them for something. So in a way I hadn’t stopped asking, I had been fine tuning my manipulative skills. I could see how I was wrapping up my questions and wants within my communications. Even within my relationship I preferred saying: “Honey, I’m quite busy cooking and I aslo have to get the laundry inside, please help me remembering.” On which my partner P. of course responded with: “Oh, do you want me to get the laundry inside?” And I would respond with: “Well if you don’t mind, it would be great if you do that”.

I still find myself within such communications, but correct myself and communicate in a clear way. Or in other words I would ask for instance P. if he wants to do something for me.

At a later point when I started with SRA, I again didn’t ask all the questions I could ask. Then I found out that wanting to do things all by myself and not asking is an act of egoism. Wow that hit home. It didn’t fit in with the picture I had of myself, me egoistic, no! Though after considering it again I could clearly see that it was indeed an act of egoism. I wasn’t considering myself equal to others. I was going back and forth with this polarisation of feeling less and feeling more. Not asking made me feel more, having the opportunity to ask made me insecure. All that I could ask from others, was something I could also figure out myself, I had the tools. It even irritated me as people asked about things that was already provided for. As every irritation it was merely an reflection of me being irritated with the fact that I could ask things, but just wasn’t able.

I’m again confronted with the fact that I may ask whatever I want to ask within my process and I close down completely. I got irritated by myself, I feel locked in and not able to reach out to others in order to reach out to myself. Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking. No, no that’s a fuck up too, I’ve been there. Asking about something I already worked through is asking for validation. Then asking becomes asking for the sake of asking. Now looking at it closer I can see that not wanting to ask is of the same energy as validation. Okay lets dig.

I muscle communicated a phrase from a book to see what lies underneath this asking and asking for validation. “Okay, because I do not believe that what I ask for I really will receive. My life is a living example of it. In fact I rarely get what I ask for. If it happens, I’m intensely happy.” Wow, now I see it I fear to be disappointed within asking. Memories of not receiving what I asked for are this heavy burden on my shoulders that makes it almost impossible, incapable to ask. I have to stop this, breathe and slow down. I have to be in the moment and experience every moment every question I ask as a new experience and then I will not be disappointed, then it is what it is without any definition from the past attached to it. Okay this is workable and doable, I’m not saying that I will get it right from now on. At least I brought it to my attention now I can apply it and correct myself whenever necessary.

Now I will quote myself: “Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking”. And what did I do just now… I investigated it myself. So I know now why, but it was an act of egoism. Time to really slow down and see what it is that I need to ask without doing the smoke curtain trick. So lets start.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions without manipulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud on figuring things out by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a failure when having to ask things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel independent when not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulative within my communication towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic by not asking and wanting to do it alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not egoistic within my not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not equal to all the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarisation of more and less within asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated by others while they ask obvious questions, instead of seeing that it was me who was irritated about me not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when having to ask something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel locked in myself and not being able to reach out to others and therefore myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I have to find things out myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that asking something I already figured out is asking for the sake of asking and that in itself is asking for validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking out of the opinion that asking is never about receiving what I asked for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic and at all costs investigate instead of asking first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry past memories as a burden within asking in the present.

 

Not now! 11/02/2011

Lately I have been enjoying the communication with my body, I finally became aware of it. I had separated myself in such an extent from my body that even the signal to take a pee was something I totally ignored. This resulted in a huge trained bladder, but I can’t remember if I ever desired a big bladder.

Listening to my body when it comes to food has opened a whole other world and also here I enjoy the simplicity and collaboration with my own body. In a way it has given me more self-trust.

A few weeks ago just a week after my menstruation, my body started already to inflate in preparation for the next menstruation. It’s amazing how much my body parts can inflate and stay that way for a week or two weeks and then all of a sudden it deflates within an hour or less. It’s almost as if I imagine the sudden inflation and deflation, but in these moments I physically fit hardly in my bra or trousers and when it’s gone I have space left.

Last night just before I went to bed I felt an aching within my abdomen and figured it might be gas. I prepared myself for bed and the undressing part is in winter an horribly cold experience, but once I touch the mattress of my waterbed  I return to normal temperatures again. Within this moment of lying in bed I do not enjoy it when for what ever reason I have to get out my bed again. So lets rewind this, when I undressed and felt the pain I had a flash going through my mind while asking myself when my next menstruation date was due. I completely ignored this flash, because it implied not stepping in my bed while being cold due to undressing myself. Further in order to check my menstruation date I had to go downstairs again and start my computer again and look into my calender and become an ice lolly. Instead I stepped into my bed and enjoyed the warmth of it. While lying in bed I had another flash about me bleeding in bed and having to wash my sheets the next morning. I didn’t pay any attention to it at all and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke of a nasty tickle in my throat. I never wake myself up in the middle of the night and not at all for a tickle in my throat. A feeling of agitation came over me, why was my body wakening me and why did it want to speak to me in the middle of the night? I started coughing, but quite soon I understood that it wasn’t going away. Before I knew it I stood beside my bed and headed for the bathroom. At this point I was completely awake and drank some water to calm down the tickle in my throat. I decided to take a pee since I was awake and standing in front of the toilet. I produced a few drops and didn’t think it was worth it while sitting on a cold toilet seat for just a few drops. When I wiped myself I noticed blood on the toilet paper, my menstruation had just started and did not even stain my painty. I took measures and went back to bed. Okay, so that was it what my body was communicating with me, that which I was ignoring so obstinately.

Only this morning I realised that I again had been ignoring my body speaking to me. My body did quite some attempts to communicate and I kept saying: NOT NOW! I thought that I was apparently directing my own body when it came to my menstruation, but that was not really the case, it’s just a full automated program running already for many years. The only choice or freedom I have within this is deciding if I’m going to participate within the menstrual pains and discomforts or not.

I enjoyed my new acquired communication with my physical body, but only when the message suited me. Communication with my body is unconditional and may not be based on desires and mindfucks. So from now on I have to be more in the present and be aware of my own physical body. This time I was ignoring an unwanted message and I was within my mind already busy with the next task, going to dreamland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signals of my physical body such as having to pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being here and therefore missing out on the communication attempts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to hear certain messages from my body and others I ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change my menstruation cycle by ignoring it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the future doing already my next task.

 

Am I crazy or communicating through objects with myself? 21/01/2011

Today I felt again anxiety and it was difficult to breathe, after half an hour I decided to investigate it briefly. I’m grateful for the support my body is giving me, but sometimes I long for ignorance and therefore no confrontation with myself. This state of mind doesn’t take long, considering the fact that hiding is a game where one eventually gets caught.

When I looked into this anxiety I found out that it had to do with me still seeking validation outside myself. Validation through what I do and not validating myself for who I am standing for life and as life. If I would validate myself standing as life I automatically would validate myself for what I do and therefore no need to seek it outside myself. Therefore what I would do wouldn’t be special, but simply an outflow. What has to be done has to be done. If what I do is in the best interest of all and that would make a difference in someone else’s life then I’m accumulating and adding something to this world. All again not special, simply honouring life for what it is. So I did self-forgiveness on all the points I could see in that moment. During today I had several moments in which I really had to say STOP, because this pattern had been accumulating over several weeks, months, I don’t know. It’s not something I can stop in a moment. The decision to stop it can be taken in a single moment the rest has to be walked in the physical.

Much later I had a confrontation with one fo my sewing machines, my serger. It’s not the first time and probably not the last. I in a way communicate with my serger, this sounds almost like saying: ” I’m hearing voices in my head and I see angels.” It’s not that I speak to my serger and he gives his perspective to me. It’s mostly me being preoccupied and in the mind, wanting to do my job quickly and taking all for granted. Then my serger refuses service and I have to troubleshoot and find out what’s wrong. This time, after quite some time searching for an answer, I found out that I had inserted one of the needles too low. The result was that all 4 tread’s were constantly tangled and I couldn’t see why. When I saw this point of the needle being too low I wondered why I hadn’t seen it before. Immediately I said to myself: “I’m tangled/confused and I have no idea what it’s all about, but the answer is obvious and in front of my nose.” My partner P. said that’s a nice title for a blog, but I dismissed the idea since I still didn’t know what I was talking about.

After I had spoken this sentence I looked at my computer and saw an e-mail from Esteni. She asked me to cross reference their information about my SRA payments with mine. In that moment I found out that I had been misunderstanding quite a lot about paying, payments, DIP and a message on my account. I was behind in my payments and I really dislike these kind of things. I normally make sure that these things don’t happen, so what happend here? I felt tangled and confused about all the information I had heard and read about it and I saw my lack of responsibility, the answer was right in front of my nose. I DIDN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, while I knew I was confused by the information given to me. My payment status said not to pay until a certain date, that didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t ask any questions, it was a matter of wishful thinking and brought me in this survival mode of the more money I wasn’t spending the longer we could live from it. Any ways I had already saved the money up and had it in place last year and had been holding it aside for the moment the payments after the holiday started again.

It’s not alright to frustrate the whole ‘I’ process project financially by not paying out of ignorance. I started judging myself for the fact that I had allowed and accepted my behavior of not taking action and not moving money. P. said to me that it didn’t help the situation by judging myself, I better had to fix it and pay what I had to pay and get it over with. And yes that’s what it was, I felt guilty and all Desteni asked of me was if their figures matched mine and if not to make sure that they do match. Nothing personal, nothing emotional or feeling based.

So there I had it , my confrontation with my serger. It all played out just after I realised what it was that the serger was communicating. Fascinating when one doesn’t keep communication exclusive for humans. We are a whole as planet Earth and all counts and all is equal and capable of helping each other to bring forth equality and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike paying too late to others and others to me, instead of seeing that this disliking is an indicator of what I do not accept within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tangled and confused after studying the financial DIP information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility when it came to informing myself about my financial status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask any questions and think that I could figure it out all lone by not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think wishful and not dealing with my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frustrate the ‘I’process financially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for getting myself in this situation of having a arrears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my behavior instead of being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this simple question of Esteni had anything to do with emotions and feelings or getting personal instead of seeing that this is how a business works.

 

Nothing to say or write to myself 04/11/2010

This morning, while cutting endless peaces of fabric for curtains for a client, I was reflecting upon yesterday. I had made the commitment to write everyday a blog and yesterday evening I was sitting in front of my computer and staring at an empty template. I couldn’t think of anything to write and the few things I came up with I disregarded as not interesting enough to share. So I asked myself why I write these blogs, if I disregard things as not interesting enough than I might write to entertain. And maybe I am, because that’s the way I used to write. My starting point for my blog was that of being effective within my writing to assist myself within process and to involve others so they might understand what I’m doing. I label myself as effective when others pay attention to what I write, I also label myself as effective when I break through a point or when things become clear to me after writing it down. So it must always be a spectaculair moment, wow now I look at it I can clearly see what I’ve been doing. Normal daily stuff isn’t good enough for me otherwise I had filled in my template with words last night. Fuck, I’m disregarding myself and I do not see myself as interesting and spectaculair enough to expose myself on the internet…

There were 2 points I could have written about yesterday yet I shove them aside. I resisted to write about it, because I didn’t really saw myself within the events. I didn’t see myself yet I was cristal clear within my communication towards myself. I didn’t see myself while I was screaming at myself. The first event was me commenting on Brett’s topic on the open forum of the Desteni web-site. Basically I asked him not to post these kind of topics on the open forum when he wasn’t going to share himself or his process with others. I asked him if it was out of loneliness that he posted these things so he could just communicate with others. I checked my starting point before posting the post, but I didn’t hear me screaming to myself. In a way I was reacting to his post while I was dealing myself with the point of not sharing me with myself. I refused to communicate with myself through writing and it’s not been the first time.

Than later that day my partner P. said that he found my current writings really assisting. I hesitated, but said to him:” you can’t go through process only by reading about the processes of others”, my point didn’t came across clearly and I wasn’t willing to clarify my self more. In fact again I was screaming to myself and didn’t hear it. I am not consistent within my own writings and that’s where my responsibility lie’s, I can’t order  P. to start writing himself through his own process. He has to figure that out for himself, I can only be an example.

Looking back at yesterday it was as if I had shifted into another dimension. I had been a zombie throughout the day. I was searching for myself while I was tapping on my own shoulder. Today I’m back in the here and now and started the morning of with a coughing fit, after watching my facebook wall, and it ended up in a hyperventilation attack. I immediately started the 4 counts breathing technic and within a few minutes I cleared the attack. I saw how it all interconnected, it was all about communication. I have to commit to communicating with myself and therefore my outer world. I need to unconditionally share and express myself to progress within my process. If I’m not unconditionally willing to change myself, how on earth can I reflect my change upon society. If I want change, I have to change.

I can also see now how this point of communication is connected to the point of resisting to learn to speak Italian more effective. That one is on my list to open up next. Than I will share my self forgivenesses and corrective statements.