Sylvia's writing to freedom

Reality check 27/01/2011

This morning I had an appointment scheduled with the Jehovah Witnesses. I had to do a paper model fitting for the dress of R. Wednesday is also the day that I clean my house, so while mopping the floor I was playing out all kinds of scenario’s in my mind. Last week I had quite a discussion with them and a reality check with myself. A reality check because even when someone is approaching me with abusive, possessive behaviour I’m still the one who decides to react on that person and I’m the one that needs to find out what this other being triggered inside of me, which constructs were ready to play along.

While cleaning the house further I noticed how useless my efforts were to keep already in advance control over the situation. I simply had to check my standing in reality. So I said STOP to myself for this fountain of pictures and words that were only future projections which can easily become present manifestations. The thing is, when I’m in my mind precooking the event, I’m on top of the conversation and I’ll always win so to speak. After saying STOP the pictures and words disappeared and I was cleaning again.

When they arrived they specifically asked if they were allowed to come in, they did the “I’m so humble act” and the moment they were in my house they acted as usual. I had made the statement, after our last encounter, to not discuss religious matters with them anymore. Also discussing issues where we have/use different definitions are a “no go area”. They started talking about the world of today and I saw their brainwashing. All Jehovah’s must have had a training in which they learn to bring every theme or issue back to Jehova. F. opened “the box of Jehova” and I panicked a little of what to do now and I choose to ignore it and to go on with the conversation. It worked! I was surprised, I was really surprised.

We discussed Tunisia and R. stated that it was the peoples right to rob the elite who had everything unlike the ordinary residents. It was all so unfair. So I asked R. how fair it is that she has a house with all necessary commodities, food and health care while people in third world countries do not have those basics at all. If it is okay for them to come and take R’s “stuff”, because it’s all so unfair. R. stated that it wasn’t unfair for her to have her basics covered, and then she didn’t make the connection to others who do not have their basics covered. It looked¬†almost like a wiring problem. So when people see what happens in the world on their tv, it’s more or less the same as watching a movie. There isn’t a reality check what so ever. Their life’s are separate from the life’s of the rich and the poor elsewhere. The reason that we have more, because others have less doesn’t even occur within most of our imaginations. As a child we understand that when we share a bag of candies with our friend and he takes 2/3 than we get only 1/3. We feel shitty because we know he took more than his fair share and he feels shitty because he took more then his fair share and is afraid you’re going to get your part. Isn’t that the same as the looting in Tunisia, yet when we’re not physically being exposed to this equation ourselves it’s only SF to us?

In a way a nice discussion and again revealing the true nature of men, but I did it again! A big reality check, I went again in a discussion with them and we were not clear on the word “unfair”, so it was a “no go area”. For R. it’s normal that she lives comfortable and that the third world countries exist. To me it’s the candy equation and something I can not allow and accept. I reacted on the fact that she is not willing to see how she, and for that matter we, are the reason why unfairness exists in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself on words that the Jehovah’s and I have different definitions about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that they are not willing to see that we are the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel panic instead of standing, which indicates that I’m not stable within this point yet.

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Me and the blood type diet 05/11/2010

I really enjoyed watching Katie’s video’s on the blood type diet, like her, I’m also a blood type A. Katie isn’t following the diet in a rigid way, she keeps testing and experimenting with foods wether they’re assisting or none assisting to her body. This inspired me to google on the blood type diet. I looked up the information in different languages to see if there was a difference between the recommended food, but there wasn’t really any difference.

Looking into this I felt resistances inside me and I found out that it had to do with the word “diet”. Diet contains the word die and when I strip the Dutch word for diet, which is “dieet”, I get; those who eat. The word and the sound have only negative charges to me. So I decided to muscle test on the word “diet” and see what was hidden behind it. I tested out the word organized in the dictionary, meaning: the developers of a diet laid out a structure for me about what to eat and what not to eat. I do feel restraint when following a diet and immediately my oh so popular fear pops up. It’s all about the fear of losing control, when I follow a diet I’m bound to it and have no longer the “freedom” to choose the food that I prefer. As if freedom and choosing food is real. Okay so it’s out there, again the same fear from another perspective. When I was a child my parents called me stubborn for my persistent behavior of wanting to do it my way. In fact I wasn’t stubborn, instead I was a fearful child who kept herself on top of her life, in control, to not lose herself. In adulthood I took that fear with me and it’s just everywhere when I start digging.

The only 2 times when I followed a diet was before I got married, influenced by media, afraid to not fit into my dress. So stupid when I look at it now. I made my own wedding dress a couple of weeks before the wedding, so how many kilo’s could I gain or lose in that period of time to not fit into my dress anymore? Even if I would have changed 1 size more or less I could have easily adjusted that myself, so why even bother to diet. I hated the way I made myself prepare my food according to the diet. I stopped half way and labeled it as ridiculous. The second time isn’t that long ago when I turned around the whole family diet into a raw food diet. I could cope with this diet, because I made myself believe that it wasn’t a diet at all, it was a lifestyle. Weird how the mind functions, when I call it lifestyle it’s okay and when I call it diet I’m having endless reactions?? Both diet and lifestyle are ways to limit myself according to a organized schedule, I can’t see the difference. With the raw food diet I was locked into a health construct and wanted to avoid sickness and early death. Also quite ridiculous when I look at it now when time has passed by. We all die and we all get sick from time to time. I rather get to know my body and understand the sickness I attract.

Currently I’m eating according to what my body indicates as effective and nutritious food. To me that’s the best diet. It was funny to see that I automatically had avoided, certain food types throughout my life, which are according to the blood type diet the type of foods I do not well on. When I look at what’s best for all within the current economic system the blood type diet doesn’t pass the equality equation. We cannot equally apply this diet, due to the inequality of the amount of money each one of us has to spend. Not all the recommended food is available for all people. Most people are glad with any type of food. I’m living in the mountains of central Italy, there is no way I can lay my hands on all these foreign type of foods. According to my blood type A I’m not allowed to eat meat, tomatoes, flour, potatoes and pasta, that means no going out for dinner anymore or eating at a friends house. Rather impractical. I muscle tested if tomatoes are healthy for me and it tested out yes. For a moment I was puzzled, than I tested again if the tomatoes who are healthy for me are giving me a non preferable reaction inside my body and it tested out yes. Now I have to skip tomatoes and than eat them again to notice the difference. We’ll see, I’ve never experienced till now any physical reaction towards tomatoes ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a negative charge to the word “diet”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear organized programs that were not made by me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable while doings things according to another persons idea, this can be seen as assertive but in fact it’s based within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I give up my freedom while following a diet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be labeled as stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as stubborn and labeling this as positive, while in fact I feared losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the word stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the idea of being slim is the ultimate way to look like and accepting the  imprinting into me by the media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way I prepared my food according to the diet, while I was limiting myself with this diet without really checking if the diet was effective for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the raw food diet as a lifestyle, while I was limiting myself in both ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through diets and not wanting to see what’s best for the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the health construct.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body.