Sylvia's writing to freedom

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

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Owner of the ring of death 26/06/2011

The other day I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when I accidently was stuck with my ring into a plastic bag holder. When the ring got stuck I didn’t notice yet what was happening, only when I pulled my hand back I felt a pang through my ring finger. I had to literally move back towards the holder to release my finger and ring from the holder. Right away I cooled my finger with cold running water. It really did hurt and all I, at first, could remember as a physical experience, was being pulled back in a rough manner. Pulled back by myself, which is in itself a interesting metaphor to look into.

Last winter I took off my wedding ring, to break the spell of my marriage and the cycles of wanting and fearing within such a relationship. We had started to transcend our relationship into an agreement and to close the marriage I decided to no longer wear the ring as a symbol of my marriage with P. In this process I already mentioned in on of my vlogs that my silver ring would also be an interesting story to investigate. I never forgot this promise to investigate the purpose of wearing the silver ring, but couldn’t put myself in an active position to do so and instead I postponed the research indefinitely.

There was also sentiment attached to the silver ring. I bought this ring with my self made money, when I was 19. At first the big silver ring with a black hematite confirmed my identity of being different and having my own style. Later within this 24 years of wearing the ring I gave much value to the black stone, the hematite. I found out that this stone was avoiding high blood pressure. Since my blood pressure was always perfect I knew it was because of the stone. I had no cross reference of course to see if it really had an effect on my health, I simply believed it and wasn’t willing to risk my health. The last years it was sentiment that made me still wear this ring, it had become part of me, since it traveled 24 years with me.

While not really being sure about which of these points the ring was really representing to me, I did some muscle testing since a long time, to see where it would lead me. It immediately became clear that the ring, for me, stood for diseases and negative thoughts. It was holding all my fears for diseases and negative self-sabotaging thoughts related to disease in place. In other words the ring was the confirmation of the cycle I was trapped in for many years. Then I muscle tested a sentence from a book that said: “your always getting what you desire”, even if it’s a negative desire. So I was physically pulled back by my own body to say stop to these abusive thoughts and fear for disease I have had for so many years. A turning point.

Where I first was convinced that the ring stood for my relationship with money and a circle that had to be broken, I ended up with an unexpected twist. I really wasn’t aware of holding on to this belief, of seeing pain as a horrible lethal disease, and holding it in place by wearing this ring and not wanting to take it off. Not that this disease and negative thoughts point was a surprise or something new to me. I’ve worked already with this point and approached it from different angels. I knew that I was still holding on to this belief, but I had no idea where to look for the beginning of the circle that stands for the fear of death.

I have been having a lot of pains lately in my breasts, of which I at first was sure that it would be the end of me. For several months I had painful swollen lumpy breast according to my menstruation cycle. Normally I had this discomfort for about 2 weeks a month, lately it was 3 weeks in a month. Then when that went back to normal I developed pain in my arms and pain above my breats. Whenever I disappeared into my mind I knew for sure that I was going to die from it. When in the present and while investigating it, I saw that my 2 finger typing on a not so smooth keyboard during my mind constructs had caused me quite some muscle pains. Pains within muscles I didn’t know I had, but no reason to visit the first aid or a oncologist for breast cancer. So when looking in common sense at these pains they were all explainable within common sense.

I already worked with this point of belief, but this time it showed itself in a different way, a different layer to work with. The Self-Forgiveness is focussed on the new points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that undefined pain means death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to feel pain and being pulled into a cycle of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself and not being in control over losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having thoughts about illnesses and physically manifesting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my lack of responsibility in not facing my own creative powers when it comes to sisease thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the illness thoughts who I already throughout my life have accumulated to become real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and therefore believing that I need to be in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for hating myself so much that I deserve pain and disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for not taking fully responsibility and not fully facing myself and therefore wanting to punish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with these thoughts and therefore abuse life, instead of embracing life and embracing myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of abusive thoughts towards myself. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as self-sabotage thoughts and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

 

It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.

 

What retarded race are we? 17/11/2010

Today I wanted to make a video about EMO, it’s a type of lifestyle that I see quite often here in Italy. I’d never investigated what it was all about, so I started browsing the internet this afternoon. Collecting pictures and emo music and slowly but surely I understood why these kids are doing what they do and how they justify it all. As in all kinds of scenes or groups, when teenagers take the message the wrong way, being in such a group  can have catastrophic results. I read about a girl that had committed suicide, she had been listening to a lot of dark rock music and had been practising with auto mutilation. She had told her mom, who asked about it, that it was an initializing practice among emo’s.

The more extreme the lifestyles are the better the observer ( in this case me) can see how these teenagers create a whole fake world around them to manifest an identity. In essence it’s the point of acceptance, almost all of us want to belong to a group and feel accepted. One performs the rites of the group and is granted with an identity. No more searching, just keep it easy and simple. We have such a lack of self worth that the others within the group have to confirm that we are worthy and therefore a member of the group. Instead of being part of a group, participating within the group, because one sees that doing what’s best for all is also best for themselves. Without self interest and knowing that when one accepts oneself, one does not need validation from outside oneself. To practically apply and live this, most of us will not  experience this state of acceptance before we die.

I still see points of acceptance within me, but I’m able to see in those moments that I’m seeking outside of myself for validation. Therefore I can direct myself within that moment. When looking back on my life I can point out the moments in which I was seeking self validation outside myself, but also these moments  can be forgiven. That’s the great thing of process I’m always able to clean up the mess in the past and in the now what is an outflow of the past.

Back to my video again I had some problems with recording my voice. First of all my vocal cords are still covered with mucus and makes it hard to speak for a few minutes in a row. Than I  thought, after playing the recording back, that the sound was too soft. Later my partner P. found out, after recording it another time, that the volume of my computer was low. Frustration was building up. I had to ask my son J. to rip some music from a YT video to use in my video. I hated it,  to be depended on my son, who was still making his movie with his sister and the girl next door. Than I wasn’t able to do the Ken Burn effect on the pictures and P. wanted to experiment with the type of saving of the movie, before the uploading. I had to make dinner and I saw time passing by. Three times I had to redo the settings before YT accepted the amount of tags. They only said, too many tags. So how many am I allowed to add than? I went for 20 tags the last try and that worked. I was agitating myself and than P. got agitated about my agitation. He basically told me to take responsibility. Why was I so agitated? I made this commitment to myself to deliver one video a day for the coming period and I felt bad for maybe letting myself down. Two years ago I had probably felt bad about disappointing others within such a process, now the outside world wasn’t on my mind. Though the results/outflows were not different from how I was doing back than. I was agitated and was manifesting big time. Funny how I first created a situation and than began blaming my outside world for the situation I created in the first place. What retarded race are we?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let frustration/energy build up, instead of looking for the real point of frustration.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being depended on my son J., because I don’t want to claim him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to claim J. his time while I could have installed real player myself and find out how to do it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be depended on J. instead of directing myself and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated over the computer who wasn’t doing what I wanted  it to do, instead of seeing that I was building up energy and synchronically manifesting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about the possibility of me letting myself down. Instead of seeing that I was projecting into the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my outside world for what I had created.