Sylvia's writing to freedom

Blood and screaming sucked me back into a memory 31/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

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Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

http://www.desteni.co.za

 

I-witness of a murder 04/05/2011

Driving my daughter A. home from scooter theory lessons I almost got pushed off the road by a big truck. Within this split second of keeping my car on the road, I saw something orange and white tumbling on the road. A. started crying and then I understood that it was a cat. The truck tried to get around the cat on this country side road, came to my lane and almost bumped into my car. A. cried and said: ” did you see that mom?”

Yes, even in a split second I saw that this cat was horribly wounded. In the same split second I had all kind of options going through my mind. We need to stop and turn. We need to pick up the cat and find his owner. No, it will take too much time to find his owner. We need to take him back to town and see the vet. The vet is only a few moments in the week open for people to bring in their animals. What if we are there with an almost dying cat and the vet isn’t there. What a fuck up it’s all useless and I’m almost running out of gas so not much liberty to travel freely.

I decided to drive home and not interfere in this event, since no outcome seemed to be in the best interest of all. A. was still crying softly, she also wanted to do something for the cat. She experienced it as not being fair and she hated the image that was now burnt on her retina. I asked her if she thought that crying would help the cat in that moment and she understood it wasn’t. I asked her if she wanted to turn and get the cat. No, she didn’t because in the split second that I had done my equations also she had done hers. I didn’t want her to suppress her emotions and feelings so I let her be and let her cry a bit.

After a while we talked again, but A. didn’t allow me to talk about the accident. When I look back on the on the whole event the polarities were all over the place. The polarity of good and bad made it difficult for me to see what to decide what to do. The same polarity made A. cry. The polarity of crying or suppressing, fair and unfair. It shows so much that our society and we as humans are steeped in polarity. These polarities who generate thoughts within our minds and attach feelings/emotions to it, are showing us the real enslavement. Once we’re hooked on these feelings/emotions they generate energy which is the real drug. It’s a pattern that has a spell that only can be broken through pure self-will. No rehab drug clinic can help us through this polarity enslavement.

A. didn’t want to talk about the accident anymore that day, until the next morning. At breakfast she suddenly said that she had experienced something really awful yesterday, but she wasn’t going to talk about it. Since my partner P. and son J. didn’t yet knew about it they asked what A. her announcement was all about. A. left the room saying that she didn’t want to talk about it. So when she left the others asked me what had happend. I told them the story and when A. came back into the room she asked if I had told the others about the accident. This seemed somewhat ought to me. She said she didn’t want to think about it anymore, but the image was still in her mind.

I slowly saw what had happend, the event was steeped in polarities and she had taken the fair and unfair part with it’s emotions/feelings and turned it into a pattern. By repeating the event/experience even indirectly through me, she already had this addiction to the polarity and the energy generated by the emotions/feelings. So polarity enslavement of the mind, which popped up a few other times today. I know A. loves all animals, but in this case her mind had picked the right subject to get her hooked on the energy. Something to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Instead of seeing that whatever end of the polarity I had chosen it would always keep me within the polarity and it would lead me nowhere. Helping the cat within my limits would not bring any result in the best interest of all and leaving the cat to die would neither be in the best interest of all.

Today we after driving along the spot A. saw blood on the road, but the cat was gone. She figured the cat was rescued by it’s owners. That would be a nice ending of the story and it would set us free from any form of guilt. I know better of course, guilt is something only I can set me free of and not a nice ending of a story that brings me again in another polarity. It’s like my world is booby trapped with polarities, avoiding one can result in stepping on the next one.

 

We’re all perfect parents 21/04/2011

Being a parent is like flying an plane without a license. We as parents, once had this irrepressible pre-programmed desire to have kids. We of course had no idea that our kids are the consequential outflow of all the shit within us and our entire family. See that’s where family is binding it’s members, within the accumulation of shit. The first years as parents we think it’s heavy to be a parent and as soon as the child is able to communicate with us it will all be much more doable and practical to deal with, we think.

I myself practised my parental skills first on my cat, like a guinea pig or lab rabbit. My cat wasn’t giving me a hard time so I was convinced that I could handle the task as a parent. When my first child was born I was amazed how little, real and practical information was given to me. I raised my child in a rich country with health and care facilities in abundance, yet nobody was really able to assist and support newbie parents. The support given was not more then beliefs and ideas that every 4 to 5 years changed. What my mom had learned while raising me, was now outdated, dangerous and totally wrong.

So we as parents had to find out how to direct our children all by ourselves, when my baby cries like this she needs that etcetera. In a way it’s so stupid, I sat there with this living being in my arms and I had no clue what so ever how to satisfy this little creature. The obvious things like feeding, changing diapers and putting her to sleep was not the real task as long as it was a movement initiated by me. When she cried for “no reason” the stress levels went up. After a year I began to get the hang of it and when my daughter went visiting and sleeping over at her grandparents house I gave them the written manual of my child. I had this paper with all the gathered information and possible solutions on events that might happen. Quite funny when I come to think of it now.

By the time, I as a parent, thought that I’d come to this point of fully understanding my child, my child had already developed such an extensive inner life that again I had no idea what really went on inside my child. What’s of the most importance, is being capable of interacting and co-existing with her in the moment. Finding solutions together to our mutual problems and irritations. So we can eliminate as much back chat as possible. I do not perceive myself as the perfect parent, I obviously can see that I’m more successful with my children within issue X and other parents are more successful within issue Y. Yet we still are all pilots without a license.

When we as parents and non-parents see children that are not being held under control by their parents or the system, we snobbish lift up our head and let our back chat run wild. We always know better! We do not like to investigate our real parental skills ourselves and don’t apply a bit of introspective. No, it always feels better to criticize others and lift our own ability up in order to maintain this polarity of good and bad. Therefore our neighbors or friends have always uneducated wild beasts as children.

As a matter a fact I felt this way about my Albanese neighbor kids who live behind me. Always screaming, yelling and molesting each other at an age of approximately 3 and 4 years old. I was clearly irritated by these kids, who I really didn’t know. Their mother who is always calm when I met her in the street and at the same time is a stranger to me. Within 2 years we spoke with each other maybe 3 or 4 times. So my image of the mom was one of a calm and nice person and that of her kids was an image of horrible wild beasts. Then her or his parents came from Albania to live with them and for a while the kids became more decent.

Now after more then a year I saw my neighbor change into a lady with little patience who gets all of a sudden mad about nothing. She becomes outraged and if it wasn’t for the language barrierĀ I would certainly say she’s possessed. Angry outburst have gone from once a week to daily and more times at a day. We live on a hill and they live above me so I can only see a little, but hear all, in a foreign language. The possessiveness of her outbursts lately are creeping me out, I’m wandering at which point she will snap. Sometimes her children cry when she has an outburst and sometimes it’s totally silence. I can clearly see now that her children are the consequential outflow of the shit that’s clearly inside her, neatly tucked away behind a facade of fake gentleness. It’s a familiar image, we all hide behind our fake nice appearances. The question is when are we a lousy parent, a bad parent and when do we cross the line and become real abusers?

I do not really have a plan of how to act within my suspicion of child abuse with my neighbor. Do I go over and ask all of a sudden if she is coping with life and being a parent? Do I wait till I’m sure she’s abusing mentally or physically her children and report this to the social worker of the village? Not always easy to stand and say no to abuse, if you’re not sure about the severeness of existence of it. I do not want to support abuse and I do not want to finger point and therefore support abuse. I need to be clear within this maybe horrible event that’s playing out just under my nose. I can always talk to the social worker here in the village, I’m a social worker myself, but not practising. I can point out my suspicion and she can take it from there, since she has the means and the town hall to back her up. I simply have to work with what is here and here is the system where I’m part of just as my neighbor. If I can flag abuse on YouTube and Facebook I must also be able to do so in real life.