Sylvia's writing to freedom

Owner of the ring of death 26/06/2011

The other day I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when I accidently was stuck with my ring into a plastic bag holder. When the ring got stuck I didn’t notice yet what was happening, only when I pulled my hand back I felt a pang through my ring finger. I had to literally move back towards the holder to release my finger and ring from the holder. Right away I cooled my finger with cold running water. It really did hurt and all I, at first, could remember as a physical experience, was being pulled back in a rough manner. Pulled back by myself, which is in itself a interesting metaphor to look into.

Last winter I took off my wedding ring, to break the spell of my marriage and the cycles of wanting and fearing within such a relationship. We had started to transcend our relationship into an agreement and to close the marriage I decided to no longer wear the ring as a symbol of my marriage with P. In this process I already mentioned in on of my vlogs that my silver ring would also be an interesting story to investigate. I never forgot this promise to investigate the purpose of wearing the silver ring, but couldn’t put myself in an active position to do so and instead I postponed the research indefinitely.

There was also sentiment attached to the silver ring. I bought this ring with my self made money, when I was 19. At first the big silver ring with a black hematite confirmed my identity of being different and having my own style. Later within this 24 years of wearing the ring I gave much value to the black stone, the hematite. I found out that this stone was avoiding high blood pressure. Since my blood pressure was always perfect I knew it was because of the stone. I had no cross reference of course to see if it really had an effect on my health, I simply believed it and wasn’t willing to risk my health. The last years it was sentiment that made me still wear this ring, it had become part of me, since it traveled 24 years with me.

While not really being sure about which of these points the ring was really representing to me, I did some muscle testing since a long time, to see where it would lead me. It immediately became clear that the ring, for me, stood for diseases and negative thoughts. It was holding all my fears for diseases and negative self-sabotaging thoughts related to disease in place. In other words the ring was the confirmation of the cycle I was trapped in for many years. Then I muscle tested a sentence from a book that said: “your always getting what you desire”, even if it’s a negative desire. So I was physically pulled back by my own body to say stop to these abusive thoughts and fear for disease I have had for so many years. A turning point.

Where I first was convinced that the ring stood for my relationship with money and a circle that had to be broken, I ended up with an unexpected twist. I really wasn’t aware of holding on to this belief, of seeing pain as a horrible lethal disease, and holding it in place by wearing this ring and not wanting to take it off. Not that this disease and negative thoughts point was a surprise or something new to me. I’ve worked already with this point and approached it from different angels. I knew that I was still holding on to this belief, but I had no idea where to look for the beginning of the circle that stands for the fear of death.

I have been having a lot of pains lately in my breasts, of which I at first was sure that it would be the end of me. For several months I had painful swollen lumpy breast according to my menstruation cycle. Normally I had this discomfort for about 2 weeks a month, lately it was 3 weeks in a month. Then when that went back to normal I developed pain in my arms and pain above my breats. Whenever I disappeared into my mind I knew for sure that I was going to die from it. When in the present and while investigating it, I saw that my 2 finger typing on a not so smooth keyboard during my mind constructs had caused me quite some muscle pains. Pains within muscles I didn’t know I had, but no reason to visit the first aid or a oncologist for breast cancer. So when looking in common sense at these pains they were all explainable within common sense.

I already worked with this point of belief, but this time it showed itself in a different way, a different layer to work with. The Self-Forgiveness is focussed on the new points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that undefined pain means death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to feel pain and being pulled into a cycle of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself and not being in control over losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having thoughts about illnesses and physically manifesting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my lack of responsibility in not facing my own creative powers when it comes to sisease thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the illness thoughts who I already throughout my life have accumulated to become real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and therefore believing that I need to be in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for hating myself so much that I deserve pain and disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for not taking fully responsibility and not fully facing myself and therefore wanting to punish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with these thoughts and therefore abuse life, instead of embracing life and embracing myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of abusive thoughts towards myself. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as self-sabotage thoughts and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

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Lucky it isn’t me 14/02/2011

Someone posted a news item on Facebook today about how life stock was attacked by viruses and how the life stock in Africa and Asia had a harder time surviving in comparison to the developed countries. Further it entailed how these diseases caused by the viruses were easily spread onto humans and that these viruses become more equipped and harder to fight. This person shared this news item and she wrote with it: “lucky I do not eat meat”. It’s a perfect example of who and what we have become within our world. We are humans who do not want to take any responsibility for our world and are glad when something happens to others. We feel that we have been saved for this atrocity by some higher force.

Whenever an ambulance drives fast or has it’s sirens on, people here in Italy say: “Oh my God”. So within my first year here I asked why they were saying this. They all told me that they were convinced the patient in the ambulance was almost dead or about to die. They indirectly said that they were glad that it wasn’t them inside the ambulance or any relative or friend. Also here I see a lack of responsibility and being glad that another suffers instead of you.

The dog from across the street had been walking around the neighborhood and eaten something that was poisoned. By the time the dog returned home he was already foaming at the mouth, the owners took the old dog to a vet, but it was already too late. We all were in a way relieved that it wasn’t our dog that had been suffering and dead. My daughter A. asked around what exactly had caused his dead, but nobody had found out or was going to find it out. I myself have no idea how to find out what it was exactly what the dog ate and who had put it there or given it to him and if it was on purpose. At this point also I decided that my responsibility stops here. With this attitude of mine and my neighbors the poisoning can easily happen again, how many animals will we allow to suffer and die? Probably till the point that it’s our dog or cat.

The mother of the neighbor living a little down the street and who lived in the same house was old and sick when the ambulance came to bring her to the hospital this week. It was too late and she had already passed away. We were all watching from behind our curtains and really glad that we hadn’t to deal with the loss of our mother, a funeral and all the family that comes by. Most family you never see in normal life, but they want to pay their last respect to the family. To me it’s again not taking any responsibility for the world you live in, you are only glad it’s them.

Less then a month ago we were in the situation of hardly having any money to survive within modern society, due to not having a stable job. People who came over saw our situation, they admitted that such a life was though, but were not able to assist and support practically. When these people were in our home they understood how life was for us, when they were in their own home again they were all forgotten about us and they were just glad they weren’t the one’s without a job. Most people that managed to help us out were the people who had little money themselves and shared and exchanged foods with us. It seems like we only become responsible people when we experience what it is to be affected by loss ourselves.

We are so absorbed by our own survival mode that we are incapable of looking beyond the windows of our own mind. Only when we return, through shock within our physical reality, and when reality is forcing itself upon us we will have to listen. Only then it is again all about us, we are the victims, we are the one’s that need to be saved. Only a few of us are capable of understanding that many of us are in the same position, there is only so much variety within organic robots and only so much themes to play out. Which implies that we all fear loss and death, only it plays out in different scenario’s.

It’s a pity that it’s always only about us, so basically we are driven by self interest. This “quality” can also be used for the best of all. When it’s all about you then it’s you that can change you in order to gain what’s best for you. The way we are approaching our problems now isn’t working very well so we need change. Lets change ourselves in such a way that it’s always best for everyone, then everybody is satisfied and capable to take responsibility. First we didn’t take our responsibility out of the simple fact that we had separated ourselves from the whole of humanity/animals/plants out of fear of loss or death. Now when we are capable of doing what’s best for all we are part of the whole and no longer separated. Therefore we can be equals without comparison and competition and fearing each other.

As long as we are equal and one we can embrace an Equal Money System and start to live, because our basics are taken care of and therefore we are able to expand and work on solutions that will benefit all and leaves no one behind. Be one vote for an Equal Money System.

 

Life as usual… 05/02/2011

It’s not that I do not know what to write about tonight. I already know the topic and there are so many more to cover. I want to write about my dad, but I do not want to make make it seem like a big deal, since I for the first time didn’t make a big deal out of it myself. It’s about diseases and just like my dad and my daughter I have been dealing with a hypochondriac type of behavior that does make a big deal out of physical discomfort.

 

Yesterday my dad called me on skype, which he never does without giving a warning in advance to announce his incoming call. Normally he calls through skype together with my mom and this time he was alone for the first part of the conversation. He started the conversation with saying: “it doesn’t look good for me”. I said, “oh”. Then he said: ” didn’t P. tell you that I’m sick?” My head was like an empty pothole, not that I freaked out. I made the connection between being sick and it’s not looking good for me and I couldn’t recall P. saying anything like that to me. So my dad, 72 years old, got impatient and asked if I was still living together with P. and if we were on speaking terms. I know his impatience of him so I did not react. Then my dad said: ” have you read my e-mail?” I said no I haven’t, I did see a 3 on my inbox. I’m finally at a point that I do not let my mail program control me by constantly checking it. Just at that moment he had sent me an e-mail.

 

I asked my dad to tell his story from the start and not to be bothered by all these circumstances. Quite some progress because normally I would have gone into a stress and into my daughter-construct,  as feeling guilty about the fact that I apparently didn’t know about all these new developments. While he was telling his story I noticed that I did know about him being sick and having it defined as the flue. Around 11 days ago he started having these vertigo attacks and he felt as if there was something plashing inside his head which made him dizzy and almost unable to walk. Also my mom had been sick with the flue and she experienced a normal flue dizziness.

 

They both thought it was the flue, but after 11 days my dad played the hypochondriac behavior. He went to his doctor and they were speculating about a little stroke. Within his imagination he dyed right then, right there. They made an appointment for him to see a neurologist at the stroke policlinic. I asked him right away if he had any slight loss of function, I have done an internship at a rehab clinic with stroke patients and their family as a social worker, so I’ve seen quite some cases. When he said no, I almost for sure knew it hadn’t been a stroke. I didn’t mentioned it, instead I told him that it was useless to take on opinions we simply have to wait for the results. Also here I made some progress, normally I would have told him that it was nothing also, without being a 100% sure, just to reassure him. Now I told him to wait and not to worry within his mind since we didn’t know the results yet, I  reassured him just as always with the difference that I didn’t want to activating his hypochondriac behavior more than advisable. Today he went to the policlinic and the neurologist did several tests with him and came to the conclusion that the problem were his ears. He’s got little cloths in his little ear veins which will disappear within another 14 days.

 

Both my parents were really glad there was nothing seriously wrong, they were glad to be able to live their life again as before and not having to worry. The horrific thing is that live as usual is just a deception and not real at all, it’s simply not facing oneself. Within not facing oneself diseases arrive, so it’s a circle where only death can break the spell.

 

I’m in a way proud on myself that I was able to take this event in the moment and said stop to all my destructive and hypochondriac thoughts I normally have. I was here within breath.

 

 

Dancing little Africans 04/02/2011

Yesterday I watched on Facebook a video of the San Diamond Foundation. It showed a scene from the movie “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” in which Lauri Kroll is visiting a remote and isolated village to see if there are orphaned children in need for help. Lauri is a member of the “Vilage2Vilage” organization that helps orphaned children in Uganda. Lauri is always on the search for new hidden and isolated villages to help out when there is famine or need for medical help. I shared the video on my wall simply to spread the news that the world isn’t all love and light for everybody and that we are all responsible within this.

At a certain point within the video I saw two children lying in the dust half naked and obviously starving and dying. I recognized this fragment, last year I saw a video of an Italian young man. I remember that I was kind of angry after watching his video, he had used a few minutes from this film and edited in such a way in his video that it looked like if the cameraman had giving these kids crackers and they were reaching out for it and that was it. I noticed that I became angry at the cameraman for not helping out these kids. Why did they show me this footage, why didn’t they help these kids? The Italian guy was eating crackers in between the fragments of these kids and saying how horrible this all was with a mouth full of food. I understood where he was aiming at, but it made me mad.

It’s obvious that I reacted on the Italian video, so I was glad to find out yesterday that these kids were given the proper help. Wow let’s rewind this, first I was mad and then I was glad. What was going on here. When we react in anger and we become mad, we are showing how powerless we in fact are. This energetic experience goes outwards and is projected onto our outer world. And indeed, I can watch these kind of video’s but when I’m really self-honest I do not want to watch these video’s. I rather watch cheerful and playful African children, instead of dying children. I don’t want to see that the world isn’t beautiful and that everything isn’t all right. I felt damned guilty, I’m living a reasonable life and these kids do not live a decent life. Deep down I know that I am having this reasonable good life at the expense of these children. I accepted and allowed all these years the huge gap between rich and poor and I didn’t want to know it. This disease that’s called amnesia, is one of which we all suffer in the rich countries.

I saw devastation and guilt in the eyes of the cameraman in “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” movie. We all feel this guilt and yet we do nothing sustainable about it. Maybe we give money for charity, at our church or at National Fundraisers. Big television shows to entertain the sheeple and give the chance to let you uncharge your feelings of guilt. At a certain point within the movie Lauri starts to cry cathartically, people run over to her to comfort her. All of a sudden it’s Lauri’s movie, she is the star. She felt probably that the situation was unbearable and I can imagine that. Only when she had brought all her emotion/feelings/reactions back to Self then she could see that she felt probably the victim, powerless and overwhelmed by her reality. So in essence she was just like me angry and mad at herself. If one is feeling guilty one tries to play out the polarity of good and bad. Lauri felt bad for unconscious accepting and allowing famine and poverty, therefore she acted as a good person by helping all these individual cases in Uganda. We all know that’s a drop in the ocean, we are grateful that she saved these kids, but Uganda isn’t the whole world or contains all orphaned children that are within our existance.

As long as we do not understand that we need structural worldwide changes we are only playing within the margins. As long as we act from the starting point of guilt, we only will keep searching for validation outside ourselves so we can play superman. There will be children saved, but we need to face this demon called guilt. With an Equal Money System all will have their basic needs provided from birth to death. Such a simple procedure and such a big result and then we can all be our own hero. Saving ourselves from diminishing in a world full of guilt, greed and specialness.

 

Are we all terminal patients? 23/01/2011

When reflecting on the word terminal with my partner P. we came to the conclusion that we are all equally terminal patients.

A terminal III patient for instance has a life expectation of 12 months, when one is in it’s last phase of terminal illness one has a life expectation of 3 months. We go nuts when a doctor predict how long we still have to live. Suddenly we are determined by the fact that we do not live eternally, although most medical predictions are as accurate as your daily horoscope we let this message freak us out. We all understand that when you are born at a sudden moment you will die at a sudden moment, common sense. No life elixer has ever prolonged any life. The pharmaceutical industry likes us to believe that they time after time discover a new life elixer in the disguise of vaccines and pills. That’s no life elixer that’s profit and hard to swallow for those that see the end of their life creeping up to them.

When in my third year of my social work study I had an internship in a nursing home. The patients were sleeping on wards with at least 12 patients, their belongings were a bed, a nightstand and a cupboard. For months or years these patients stayed in this nursing home. It was basically their last place before they would die. Severely ill patients who were too expensive to stay in a hospital and were therefore transfered to a nursing home. When these patients entered their last phase in life, the terminal phase, they were placed in special terminal rooms to spend their last 3 months. Just before death they were allowed to have some privacy for themselves and their family. The question is if they were given privacy or just taken away even further out of the system that we call society. Death isn’t something we like to watch, we don’t want to watch our ultimate fear to grab another being. We like to dress up the death with all kinds of mystery and smoke curtains, we don’t want to see how we end up in our self created ugliness and fears. When doing my internship in this nursing home I was about 24 years old and I didn’t like these rooms for the death it spooked me out.

My first experience with death, as in physically dead, was while sitting at the back seat of my parents car while driving on the highway. We were slowly passing by a traffic accident that just had happend,  a wrecked motorcycle on the road and a lifeless man was lying next to it. In a fraction of a second I saw this face of a dead man and with all the unconscious and inherited information I had gathered already as a 10 year old about death, I did set a picture and definition attached to it in my mind for life. Whenever death came up in real life this picture would pop up with all emotions and feelings attached. The main experience when the word death came up was fear, fear for the unknown.

Later in life I refused to look at dead people, every single time when a family member passed away I went to their funeral to be “respectful” to the family. Whenever others would force me into looking at a dead person I would freak out inside myself and told the other that I didn’t see any purpose for looking at a dead body. Once when I was living in Italy within my first year, I went with a few ladies to a hospital before doing groceries and due to language difficulties I didn’t understand what they were going to do. Before I knew it we ended up in the mortuary of the hospital to pay the last “respects” to a family member of 2 of the ladies. I again freaked out inside myself and told them to go inside the room and that I didn’t want to be rude by entering the room as a stranger to the family.

I didn’t fear reality by watching dead bodies I feared the reality of my mind. The mind who I trusted as myself made me belief that all the ideas I had formed about the death were real and that real life was threatening me. Apart from my mind reality, the physical reality was showing me the most natural thing in life. The one thing we can be sure about and that I feared the most. When we are born people are happy, when we die people are sad. It’s only closing the cycle of life, birth and death the polarity of life. That’s what we do all our life, playing out this polarity and not seeing that in between the Alfa and Omega we are supposed to live life in the physical. It’s our opportunity to experience ourselves within the physical and what are we doing? We get lost within the fear of death, that doesn’t make any sense. That makes us terminal patients waiting for our inevitable death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spooked by the death rooms for terminal patients in the nursing home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead motorcyclist and connect all kinds of emotions and feelings to this image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind in relations to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out when being confronted with seeing death people, instead of seeing that it was my mind using memories to generate this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind for being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of the image of death and not seeing it for what it is. Instead of being my own directive principle and belief that what is physically real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the polarity of life in fear instead of living life the fullest in the physical one and equal to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for death as a terminal patient and fearing the one thing that is certain.

 

Where do I stand 08/01/2011

After writing some comments on Facebook today and writing about self-trust, I looked back on my process so far. I had to admit towards myself that I’ve been making progress, I’ve been taking on quite some points and I indeed gained more self-trust on these points.

It became so clear to me that I’m not those points based in fear and points of ego/personality which I always saw as a part of me and that I do have the power to not participate within them. Stopping myself and experiencing and living what breath really means.

In the beginning, 2,5 years ago, I understood the word breath and I defined the word breath according to my mind. Without breath there will be death, that was my actual understanding of the word. I had no idea that I could take back my power over myself by simply breathing. The breathing and the 21 days breathing I saw as an impossible mission, now I’ve proven to myself that it can be done.

While taking on several points I realized that I’ve only yet been scratching the surface and that it takes patience, time and breath to get to the core of it, but I will. I’m determined and I trust myself enough that I will get there.

A few blogs ago ( I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself) I found out that I fear the death of my ego, after writing that blog I also discovered that it had also to do with the fear of not rebirthing as the physical due to the amount of time I statistically have when it comes to life expectation. I’m not old, but I’m not 18 anymore. So I made peace with it, I can only do so much within self-honesty and within time. I’m simply passing the baton to my children and to everybody that’s living longer than me and willing to stand. I do not want to live my life with this one goal, rebirthing,  like a sword hanging over my head. This would mean specialness and ego again, so I walk my process in self-honesty and see where I end up, in a way it doesn’t matter as long as my process is done in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and to let the fear take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m my ego and that my personality is real and me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t in a position to take back my power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I within ego was real and had all the power I needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breath is only a physical necessity instead of seeing that breath is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see breathing as an impossibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can not rebirth myself as the physical due to age and make this my most important goal in life, instead of taking my process for what it is without any specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be special when rebirthing myself as the physical.


 

Breath 12/11/2010

A few days ago I left a comment on Lindsay’s blog, about the fact that I do not envy her for dealing with all her friends and old friends. I haven’t got that many “friends” left after about 30 times moving to a new place. The few old friends are mostly not very active with e-mail and can’t be found on the internet. So till this comment I wasn’t very determent by facing old friends. I shoved it off for later.

Yesterday I found an e-mail in my inbox of one of my old friends K.. It was a reply on an e-mail which I had send her 6 months ago after a comment of K. on my web shop. She wrote me that she isn’t an active e-mailer, but for me she would make an exception (?). Than more words about how bad she’s in replying and how shocked she was when she saw the date on the e-mail I had send her. Than she asked for my phone number and said that she would call me soon. Till so far no call. Yesterday evening I started to imagine about how it would be when she would call me, getting all worked up about it. What shall I say to her, how will she react. She obvious hasn’t seen any of my bald pictures so she has no clue of what I’m doing currently. Do I need to tell her all about it. Will she still be into Reiki, I was the one who introduced her into light work. Than I had a terrible cough fit and was almost hyperventilating. Only in that moment of discomfort I saw/realised what I was doing. I was projecting all kinds of irrelevant questions into the future. For what? The fear of extending/expanding myself? Yes, that’s the fear I muscle tested it, because in facing old friends I extend myself in self-honesty in every breath and every moment. Directing me on a self willed base through these encounters. This cough fit sucks and feels quite shitty. I certainly commit to self honesty, but I still have this polarity within me represented by two voices, the mind and I… In the moment of the fit I got hold on my breath again and forgave myself.

Today my partner P. totally stripped my laptop to put in a new hard disk. Therefore I had no access to my computer. Yesterday I made the commitment to myself to do each morning a vlog and each evening a blog. I reacted on the fact that I couldn’t do a vlog and there wasn’t going to be another moment to do a vlog. Though I wanted to do it around noon there was a moment free, but by then my voice wasn’t cooperating. I built up more frustration and at the time when I was taking my first bite in my cheese burger I choked in my food. P. and the kids looked at me as if they saw me die. The choking went into a hyperventilation attack/panik attack, it was as if I had to breath through a straw. I went into the kitchen, I tried to calm myself down by doing the four count breathing. It was quite difficult this time. I needed air and opened the kitchen door, my mind suggested fresh air. Of course the attack was indoors the same as outdoors, what’s the difference when it’s all about me. I walked within a pacing run underneath my clothesline trying to get some breathe again and doing the four count breathing. I wanted to pull myself up as if I had fallen into this deep pitch and had to crawl up. My mind made me believe that I was about to die, but I saw really clear what delusion my mind was taking me in. I DID NOT ACCEPTED IT AND I CANNOT ALLOW MY MIND TO DIRECT ME. I did self forgiveness inside my head, because talking wasn’t yet possible. My God what am I doing to myself? Just out of the fear of extending myself, how can this fear be true? How real is fear, this fear is a perception of my mind to keep me in its grip and to keep me enslaved in fear. NO, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE WITHIN FEAR AND THE MIND. I’M NOT OF THE MIND, I’M OF LIFE AND I CAN EXTEND MYSELF WITH SO MUCH EASE THAT IT WOULD FREAK MY MIND OUT. Who died ever of extending oneself? All I have to do is be aware of this trap and in the end diffuse the point. I can do that. I can change from within just as everybody, we have to. If we can not even direct ourselves, what has to become of this world that is a perfect reflection of ourselves?

I went indoors and the kids and P. were very relieved that I spoke and was breathing normal again. This point is a though one, but I will get through it and waiting for the next point to show up.