Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.

Advertisements
 

How I was able to hear the Desteni message 05/02/2012

When I 4 years ago stumbled upon a video of Desteni, done by Sunette as a portal, I wasn’t looking for the Desteni message. I had no intent to join any group what so ever, I had no intent to face myself and I had absolutely no intent to change the world simply because I never perceived myself as someone that could change the world. I was living my dream within my bubble and could see, feel and understand that there was something really wrong with the world I was living in. And I say “the world I was living in”, because I didn’t see the world as “the world I am a part of”. I was raised in the era of individualism and joining a group was kind of hippie like and kind of impossible for me to join groups while I perceived myself as an independent individual and not part of the collective that’s called life. I lived life my way in an original way believing in me as good and peaceful going along on the new age wave and creating a new belief out of love&light and being on top of the world as a conspiracy junk to point fingers at all that was bad in this world to not face myself and instead blaming others for making my dream life impossible.

 

Wow, that was my start 4 years ago after 40 years of pretending to live. I lived, I hibernated through the years, but I hadn’t really lived. I observed my live as the observer of my own life, afraid before taking every breath without recognizing my separation of life. I was floating around and on a conscious level not searching for answers about life, I was simply too afraid to burst my bubble. Yet I was complaining about not getting the answers I wanted within my process of Reiki and energy work. Without realizing it. I was searching for answers all my life and hadn’t gotten any. I expected others to bring me the answers and did not even consider the possibility of finding answers myself. With the beginning of the internet things changed and searching was quite easy all of a sudden and yet a sea full of information to go through.

 

I was disappointed in religion, not seeing that religion for me was an energy refill and I got hooked on the energy. The moment I had to become an active part of the religious group I backed out and blamed them for narrowness. I was disappointed in spirituality, because it didn’t serve me the specialness I was looking for to refill myself with energy, the very energy I lost by leaving the religious group. The moment it was time to decide which spiritual group was ment for me, I backed out and blamed them for being too extreme and not grounded. When I started to read conspiracy theories it confirmed my ego in being right all along and I used this information like a religion to convert people like Jehova Witnesses do.

 

So you can say that I was quite a lost case to hear anything and who had tried to find the answers to life without really knowing that I was searching for the answers and yet when I saw that first Desteni Productions video it hit home. I do not recall which video it was since I started to search for more after that first one. I’ve spent weeks watching the Desteni materials, I simply couldn’t stop. I had to know and I had to understand what Desteni was communicating with me. Their material was touching me deep inside and it was so easily answering many of my questions that had been so hard for others to answer. I saw how I had been wandering around as an observer in my own life and was eager to learn how to direct myself for the first time in life.

 

I was able to hear what Desteni said while being in a zombie state and completely brainwashed by society and upbringing, not very different from any average person. I had made major changes in my life and still I had this dissatisfied feeling inside of me. I didn’t want to believe that this was life and that this was all that was to it, I believed that there had to be more to life than this. Simply out of the fear that if life was this unspecial I couldn’t claim my own specialness anymore, no individualism anymore. I would be useless in a world without purpose. So my ego demanded that there should be more to life than this. How could I be the award winning star of my own movie as I was playing in a B movie?

 

I took the Desteni ride and I was in for a lot more than I had expected. I took over a year to take all information in and keeping up with the new materials. Then the moment arrived where I could join the forum, which I by the way could had done from the start, but I was afraid. I was afraid of not expressing myself good enough in English, I was afraid of not being a good enough Destonian yet, I was afraid to meet all these people I didn’t know yet. Though the biggest fear was joining the forum was equal to me to joining a group. So I feared loosing my identity/individuality and almost physically shaking I registered though never posted anything. Appart from not joining the forum I kept actively listening to the new materials and sharing it with my partner and kids. Only when I had the intend to start the Structural Resonant Alignment training I forced myself to join actively the forum and so I did. From joining the forum I joined Desteni on Facebook and You Tube and contributed to the newsletter.

 

Before I knew it I was part of a group and I recognized myself in all the people that joined. I realized that it wasn’t that fearful to join a group. I even enjoyed joining this group. The more I became aware of myself and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be, the more I understood and realized the importance of facing myself and therefore facing the world. By changing myself I could actually be a living example. There was no need anymore to hide myself and peep through the key hole to observe life. The more I started to understand life and me as life the more I saw the need for an Equal Money System to end inequality and equally live and breathe ourselves for the first time without the fear of survival creeping up ones neck into real physical life.

 

I started blogging and vlogging to spread the Desteni message just as they had equally done for me. I fell and I stood up during those last 4 years, every time stronger. Desteni helped me on a personal level to overcome events in my life I would have gone insane over when I didn’t know that the key and therefore the answers are always inside of me. Taking Self-responsibility and being Self-honest became more clear to me over the years. The difference is now I’m slowly but surely walking these words and before I was still comprehending these words. I have gone from self-manipulation to self-directing and the result is less stress while sailing a stable stance in life.

 

At the moment also my partner is doing SRA-1 and my teenage kids are applying the Desteni tools and materials as far as they are capable. I was able to hear the message of Desteni, one that says that we should love our neighbors like ourselves. Which implies that we first need to love ourselves in order to be able to love our neighbors. First we better/improve ourselves and then reflect the improved Self into the world. We do this in common sense and in the best interest of all in all ways. To understand that life takes place here within our physical reality and not up there in our minds. If we want a better life why not have a better life for all?

 

If you can see and hear that this world is heading towards destruction and that we only have 1 life to stop and change that world as ourselves, the join us. See and investigate for yourself what we’re standing for and decide whether you wan to be the change, by changing you as a being. We are people just like you, so it’s never too late to join us and become a Destonian for life.

 

 

Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.

 

Not wanting to look into the face of fear of survival. 18/12/2011

A few days ago while doing groceries, my partner P. and I ended up at the fishmonger. It’s a shop run by a couple, who are always cheerful and ready to give you assistance and service. This week a new lady started working with the wife of the owners couple. The lady didn’t look like she took great care of herself. She was in her forties, had long greasy hair and a face full of pimples. And we were the happy clients that were going to be served by her.

She acted nervous, which isn’t an uncommon thing when you just start a new job. We pointed at a certain fish and asked for 2 of those fishes, already stating that the fish were quite big. The new lady weighed the fish and made the bill. I was a bit puzzled since she asked 20 euro. We both said that’s too much money, that’s not what our budget can handle. So we picked another pair of fishes less expensive and less big. The new lady was not really amused with our behavior, since she already had made the bill, therefore the pay desk had to be reset in order to switch to the new price. She stepped back after one try and called the owner to fix the problem for her. The newly picked fishes were weighed and we paid a reasonable amount of money in relation to our budget.

When we left the shop we wondered what had went differently and how this confusing could have happend. We came to the conclusion that the owners always before making up the bill, ask whether we agree with the weight and amount of fish. In that moment we usually change it into more or bigger fish or smaller fish. No big deal, it’s just in the game of buying. So we missed one step wherein we as a client were able to accept and allow the deal that was about to be made. Now we were confronted with a price that we didn’t want to pay.

Then I looked further and deeper inside myself, because the new lady had left an impression on me that I interpret as not comfortable to look at. I felt some what disgusted with her, not blaming and judging her for her actions in the physical reality so much, but more blaming her for her overall presence. I realized when slowing myself down after rewinding the whole event that I didn’t like to look her in the face. Why? What had the lady done that I was disgusted by looking her in the face? What reaction was triggered inside of me?

It was the heaviness of how she looked, the total separation when she failed resetting the pay desk, where her eyes almost rolled back as if she jumped into her mind. And then I knew what she triggered in me, I was looking in the face of fear of survival.This lady didn’t want to be there and dealing with “difficult” clients, this lady was there to earn money in order to survive. Lets be realistic, no one’s career desires are serving people in a fishmonger. Although I’ve been in a position of doing work to survive and still are in the position of doing shitty jobs in order to survive, I hated to look into the face of the very same thing that also I fear.

I always make sure that I look cheerful while doing my job, since it’s my doing why I ended up having to do shitty jobs, another person has nothing to do with my unresolved shit. So I rather not show feelings of not being satisfied with my job, while this lady on the contrary wasn’t capable of doing so. There is no wrong or right in showing your feelings or not, it is about being self-honest towards yourself and making the situation into the best interest of all. So when I look at myself it’s obvious that suppressing these feelings of disliking my job as a cleaning slave for someone else, isn’t in the best interest of all. It’s best to deal with these feelings of discomfort and then for the time being accepting  and allowing the job as it is, which gives me the opportunity to look for other job options that are less abusive. Therefore throwing ones disgust for the job on ones employer or clients and not taking responsibility for it is not a self-responsible thing to do, simply dealing with it without suppressing the feelings is moving forward.

There are things though that I no longer will accept and allow from my employer, like cleaning a clean Persian carpet on my knees with a small brush. My employer has this desire for cleanness that’s on the edge of hosophobia. She calls me to clean the house because it’s so dirty, we clearly do not have the same definition of clean and dirty. If I stood in her shoes within her house, I would have said, it’s still clean I do not need to clean the house now, lets spend some time with the kids. But I need the money and my relation with her is not one of equality, a slave and a master are never equal. So saying to her that her house isn’t in need of a cleaning, isn’t something I can say within our relationship, if I want to keep the job.

So the bottom line here is that I do not want to see in others what I experience within myself as negative. Therefore the first reaction in me is separation from what I’m dealing with and only focussing on the other. Lucky enough I’m doing the Desteni I Process which enables me to look behind that first reaction and not getting distracted with my outer world while the problem for me is within my inner world. Isn’t that what we, humanity, tend to do? Finger pointing at others when they make us feel uneasy? We better stop if we really want to evolute and starting to understand ourselves. Our reactions are always about us, they won’t go away if we separate ourselves from it while blaming others. I intend to take responsibility for my own reactions, to clean out the shit inside of me, how about you?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for her uncared appearance, while it’s simply pointing out the fear I have inside of me to become a person that will neglect herself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting myself out of separation of my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the needs of my physical body while I’m allowing the mind to occupying my existence.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the very things that I dislike inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady at the fishmonger for being nervous and making me feel uneasy, while it’s me that decides to act on the reaction I have towards a nervous person an define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the nervous behaviour of the lady at the fishmonger with the fact that it’s normal to be nervous at a new job, while I’m being agitated over it and start back chats about her unfriendly approach.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to measure myself with other standards than the lady at the fishmongers, it’s okay for me to be nervous, yet it isn’t okay for her since she makes me feel uneasy. Not seeing that there cannot be 2 standards of measurements over the same feeling when I’m equal to all there is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the lady at the fishmongers for working in a different way than her boss does. While in fact it’s my fear of change and not being here within the physical that makes it difficult to adjust my actions within my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with the lady of the fishmonger, while in fact I was disgusted with myself for having to do slave work that I dislike in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of survival as it is this signal that entails that I fucked up in life and not being able to fit into the system money wise.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’ll never will arrise above shitty jobs and never will see a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the mirror that my fellow human is to me and instead dislike my fellow human for the negativity that they reflect onto me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those beings that express the things that I have defined as negative within myself.

I am one and equal to all that is life and I will stop and breathe whenever I see myself hiding in separation afraid of others who are pointing out how afraid I am of myself. I will no longer deny myself, separate myself nor sabotage my physical body. I will take life, as life, here in every moment and every breath, in the best interest of all. I will direct myself to become my own improved version to change myself inside and outside. A responsible world citizen that takes care of herself and others.

 

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

 

Hair 02/10/2011

Approximately 1,5 year ago I shaved my head to stand for world equality and to give my visible vote for an Equal Money System. I faced quite some fears and it took me almost 3 months to get ready and shave. Within those three months I looked at the fears I had and did Self-Forgiveness on them, but only within my physical reality I could face my own effectiveness within my application of SF and had to correct myself further within the physical. Since I’m living as a foreigner in a small Catholic village in central Italy my villagers were not really enthusiastic to say the least when I shaved my head. A woman here in rural Italy is one with long dark hair, high heels, cleavage and most preferred a short skirt. Not that I fitted in this description before I shaved my head, but at least I had hair and they could still refer to me as a woman. The day I shaved the speculations started and I wouldn’t be surprised if some people made some sort of a bet on it. I had just gone through an event of bullying at school with my daughter A. which was in essence rasism and people started to ask if I had too much grief about this event that I shaved my head. A nice one and really dramatic, I hadn’t thought of that one as a reason for shaving ones head. Then the rumour started that I was suffering from cancer and was refusing to wear a wig. Though the final conclusion was that I had lost it for most of the population and the few that really went in conversation with me admired me, but couldn’t see any salvation of our current world within the words I spoke. Lots and lots of people got neck pains, a national Italian disease, due to looking after me when I was passing by. The people that I could look in the face had always a look of intense disgust. I made flyers to explain myself, but basically I was stuck in a polarity between admiration and disgust of my villagers and I decided not to go along with that and therefore kept my head neatly shaved for 1,5 year.

A bald head was the first way of approaching my head and me in a way that it didn’t cause friction within me.The moment I shaved of my hair and I looked in the mirror I saw ME as I understand ME within my current process. No hair anymore gave me the opportunity to look beyond my personalities, who were still there, but couldn’t be connected to my hair anymore. With the hair also my clothes changed into more comfortable clothes. I even went for a walk today with a combination of a flower skirt and a flower t-shirt that totally didn’t match in colour and pattern. There were times that I would have bothered about such a thing and would feel insecure. For a moment I hesitated if it was the “right” thing to do. I concluded that it was bullshit to not go for a walk around the block in 2 garments that are really comfortable to wear and tested it out in my reality. I’m still alive and after the first meters I forgot all about my non stylish outfit. So the shaving is a statement , but it also helped me through a lot of issues within my physical reality. Therefore I had no intensions to let it grow again.

Till the moment that my sewing business was not really running well. My neighbor from across the street, who does the same work as I, said after I asked her how business was going, it’s a bad period for us all. Though here in Italy nobody is very direct in his/hers answers so it could mean that she had still enough work and didn’t want to hurt me and came up with this answer or she really had less clients. I saw how people were avoiding me in the village and the clients I still have do really not care about me having hair or no hair. So I decided to investigate this point within my physical reality and let my hair grow till a point that I felt comfortable with.

The first day that I went to my grocery shop with an almost crew cut, the lady of the shop suddenly started talking to me and making friendly faces. I  was surprised, I always perceived this lady as a grumpy woman that hardly looked me in the eyes. Then a friend of mine asked in this special way if she was right about me letting my hair grow, as if she asked me if I was pregnant, the same tonality was in her voice. It was as if suddenly I was again part of the zombies, my hair made me again part of the club of zombies. I knew that we humanity are hypocrites, but this was a firm confirmation.

I let my hair grow till it was about 1,5 centimeter long. I noticed that on top of my head the hair was growing in the air like little antennes and the hair on my sides and on my occiput was growing flat against my head. This gave my head this oval shape. I suddenly didn’t see ME anymore and a not deliberately hairstyle developed. I saw resistance within me and points that I hadn’t taken on yet about me having hair and being defined by my hair style. I no longer could rinse my hair without being grassy and  also resisted using shampoo again. So I had to make a plan about what I wanted to do with my hair and head. I decided to let it grow just a few millimeter which gives this idea of hair on my head, but it’s easy to manage without soap and makes people more at ease while being in my presence. It’s a decision I made in the moment and will be valid as long as I can be self-honest within it.

Perceiving myself as a person with hair again, I walked with my daughter A. in one of the nearby towns, wearing a skirt and t-shirt with cleavage. To me I was, without desiring it, dressed in an Italian adapted way. Till the moment that A. said to me, come on mom cross the street I’m already at the shop what is taking you so long? What took me so long was this retired man that started to walk towards me, over a distance of 500 meter, like a magnet. He was staring at me and couldn’t get his face in another direction and I had to step backwards to not been over-walked. I heard him mumble, a lady without hair? So I  hurried across the street and while I looked behind me to see how the man was doing, I saw that he almost did a 180 degrees owl turn to look after me. I was astonished, he said a lady without hair, so I was still considered as having no hair? We found out that we had gone to the wrong shop and had to cross the square where the retired man with his pels was hanging around in front of the medieval town hall. I heard them gossip and almost gasping for air while seeing a lady with hair that didn’t count as having hair.  It was all very entertaining to me and A. as these men revealed in one breath a long and rich tradition of how women should be.

I’m still one vote for an Equal Money System and world equality, nothing changed except I’m more with 2 feet on the ground again and traded guessing about how people would perceive me, with research within my physical reality. As my life and my process will develop so will my view on hair develop. For now the best approach, and still be able to reach out to most people, is to have a crew cut. And not to place myself outside the society I live in, due to inflexible opinions. I’m not going to fight the system, I’m going to work with the system and use the system to bring change. A change that we all know is necessary, but we’re too afraid that change never will happen. Investigate your reality and test your opinions and believes, you might be surprised about what you find.

 

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.