Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 re-defining words: How I allowed the word WEAK to make me WEAK 08/04/2012

When finishing my last Mind Construct of a series of mc’s within my Desteni I Process, I found myself stuck at the part of word re-definitions. I hadn’t realised how much I allowed these, at first sight, innocent words to have an impact on me. Behind these words was hidden a whole universum of entangled emotions and feelings, hidden from my conscious daily living. While after taking a closer look these words had/have a tremendous  influence on my daily life. The word weak was the last hiccup I had within my mc and within this blog I will show the road that I traveled while working with the word WEAK.

First of all I came to the realisation that the word WEAK, as an English word, had made far more impact on me than the Dutch equivalent when I’m speaking my mother tongue. When I hear the word WEAK in English I even feel a physical sensation/reaction to the word WEAK. When I have a look at the 2 different languages, Dutch and English,  I can see that English is the language of the ego. Which means that I’m activating ego points within me when using, hearing or writing the word WEAK. That doesn’t sound to weird in a way, since Weak is the other end of the polarity of STRONG, it’s participating within comparison when using or experiencing myself within the word WEAK. Comparison is of the ego, since we always want to be at the better end of the equation. So was I, whenever I was dealing with WEAK I was fighting to become STRONG. Therefore my relationship with WEAK has been one of fighting against the fear to become WEAK or to be seen as WEAK.

I always wanted to experience myself as STRONG, even as a child, WEAK within the society I grew up in was considered as a bad, not a desirable state of being. I was born at the end of the 1960’s, where in the seventies the women movements, the Hippie days, were showing us women that we had the power. Girl Power another belief that replaced the role women had thus far, because within a society where no one yet believed in Girl Power and the equality of men and women it’s merely a belief/desire that women are STRONG or even stronger than men. The whole concept of STRONG and WEAK totally polarized, what made many women disorientated within a lack of understanding of who they were. One can feel STRONG and say, I am STRONG, while licking the asses of the men, but does that make someone strong as in stable? Society didn’t give women the same rights, simply because women didn’t live the word STRONG, they used it in their fight to get rid of this nasty feeling of being stigmatized as WEAK.

How many times have we as women not ridiculed men for not being capable to give birth to a child, in our perspective men wouldn’t be STRONG enough to bear the pain and to fulfill 9 months of discomfort. The question is, do we really know whether men are too WEAK to give birth to a child? No of course we do not know that and it even doesn’t matter. It’s simply another game to fight within the polarity of STRONG and WEAK. Then going from the Hippie era to the eighties and nineties we as women discovered that sex was the real power we had. When we were sexually attractive to men, seen through our own eyes charged with societies slogans, then we would be STRONG and in control over our own life. Are we? Looking at where this belief lead us, up in 2012 where our total world is sexualized out of one desire: profit. Are we women the STRONG ones? Did we win the battle we started many years ago? Or are we still experiencing ourselves as WEAK and dressing it up as STRONG? I for sure am.

Throughout my life I have been impulsed by this polarity of STRONG and WEAK and I’ve been acting upon it. As a child I saw my mom in the role of a housewife pleasing my dad to gain self-worth and I decided to do it differently. When I had to choose school directions for a future career, as a teenager, I aimed at being a doctor and saw being a nurse, what was more within my reach, as a typical female job. To me it was less then a doctor, confirmed by the roles within society for women and the embodiment of WEAKNESS. I ended up in art school and was within the profession of an artist too WEAK to earn enough to make a decent living. My dad advised me to seek for a rich man, so again my WEAKNESS was confirmed and I had to search for a STRONG rich man to rescue me from myself and my self made choices. The rich man I’ve never  found and I switched career plans and studied social work. Within my marriage I ended up being a housewife when I had my kids and enjoyed being at home with my kids, though in the back ground I had this belief running that I had maneuvered myself within a WEAK position. I didn’t make my own money and therefore I was within my marriage at the WEAK end of the polarity. So that added another point on to the perception of being WEAK, money.

Over the last few years of my life money has been a big issue, or better said the lack of money. I experienced/perceived myself as WEAK within society without having a job and enough money to make a living. On top of that my body started having numerous of problems, due to poor food and poor housing. I became a little bit more grey, my skin  started wrinkling, it’s called aging, though I perceived it as WEAK. My body was weakening and I saw it as giving up on me. Due to aging the point of no longer feeling sexually attractive has a whole other starting point than when I was in my twenties. Within common sense these wouldn’t be issues to make myself feel WEAK, but within ego as in comparison, I saw that I was doing far more less than the people around me who I perceived as STRONG. At this point I had sunk into my own created shit a little bit too deep, so fighting WEAK in order to become STRONG wasn’t the way to walk this.

My partner and I walked the money point backwards to see how and why we had created the point where we were at right now. It was our desire to be STRONG and independent from society that made us separate from that very society. Society on it’s turn bite us in the ass, since we were playing the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. In order to free ourselves from this polarity within the money point, we simply had to break the separation point and go back and participate within society again. It’s a long way to go, but we are doing okay. My partner has a nice job again and we will be able to stabilize our financial situation within the coming years. We practically walked our consequences within the physical to dissolve all the noise as emotions/feelings/fears that had us brought into a scary non desirable position within society.

While my partner has his new job in the Netherlands and I am in Italy with our 2 kids, the whole household that was created around 2 people has been placed on my plate. I’m running the household almost 4 months on my own now and I’m getting physically weaker. I never had split the wood or dug myself twice out of 2 meter of snow, I basically never did the most heavy tasks around the house, simply because I couldn’t handle it physically. Now together with my kids I’m doing all of these tasks and my left arm started to protest after a month or so. I figured it was just a normal muscle ache and I kept using it to not let it become rigid. Though the pain became only more severe and now it is like I have a constant muscle ache whether I use my arm/hand or not. The strength in my arm/hand has reduced immensely. I decided not to see a doctor due to the costs and having a daughter that really needed medical attention when she got diagnosed with Hyper-mobility. Which hasn’t been a cool choice to suppress my own needs out of lack of money. So again I find myself within the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. I feel totally WEAK when I have to prioritize the things that I can do on a daily base. Typing a blog in the morning means not doing any typing for the rest of the day, sewing clothing means less activity for the rest of the day. So now I perceived my body as WEAK and not cooperating with me and not realizing that I am my body and I caused this distress within my body. I am not WEAK neither STRONG within comparison and polarity. It’s simply my physical that for the moment isn’t coping with the changes I made within my physical reality and if that means I need to take a lot of rest, then let it be so. It is not me limiting myself through having a non functional arm, it’s my body that says, hey stop abusing the physical, stop, breathe and change the way you are living. I wanted to be STRONG, be the partner that could keep the Italian household running as it was, showing off in a way. The question is, who is benefiting from this showing off? As far as I am concerned nobody, so it has to stop and I have to plan my life differently to be able to cope within my physical limitations. Limitations that are not per se WEAK or there to bully me, but simply what is here.

I can see now how much the word WEAK was representing and how much I labeled it as negative. It was almost impossible to re-define this word WEAK while being stuck in all this self created noise around it. A re-definition of a word will give the word a new charge that is best for all life always. In my situation there was no room for best for all, my ego was in the way so to speak.

These are the attempts I did within re-defining while not being clear on the word WEAK:

*Weak – experiencing physical weakness/chemical imbalance within one’s current situation/allocation within one’s world while one’s basic needs are met.

Here I was only considering physical weakness of humans, so I left the animals and objects out. This definition was about me and showed me where I was at that moment, though it had nothing to do with a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is the breaking point of directing oneself into complete awareness of being one and equal to Life.

Here I was aiming at polarity and again just the very point where I was at in that moment. Though polarity cannot be included in a re-definition that is best for all.

*Weak – is when people/animals/objects/items are not one with/equal to the whole group.

Here I do consider more than only myself or humanity though now I add comparison, the very point I was entangled in. A point of ego cannot be part of a re-definition since ego has nothing to do with what is best for all.

*Weak – is when a being/animal/object has no longer the ability to function within their specific expression/purpose.

Here I assume that all is STRONG to begin with when I say “no longer the ability”, therefore it is still a polarity and not in the best interest of all life when it comes to re-definitions.

*Weak – the loss of the ability to function within a specific self-expression.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition only now “no longer” is replaced by “loss”. The word loss has polarity and comparison within it and is therefore not to be used as best for all re-definition.

*Weak – a self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage of it’s existence that is not preferable in all situations.

Here the self-expression is seen as negative “not preferable” so it charges the re-definition with a negative charge and is therefore not suitable for a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is not effective in all situations.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition, only now I call it “not effective” though it has still a negative charge and comparison within it.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is aberrant for it’s kind and detracts it’s nature.

Here I am at full steam and within desperation of not moving towards a re-definition I add all ingredients that are not at all reflecting what is best for all. “Aberrant” and “detracts” I used here deliberately to wrap up the negative charge in a nice wrapping.

*Weak – is an existing/resulting expression that exist temporarily/as a constant that will compromise the power of the whole and results in a temporarily/constant separation of the whole.

Here I mixed several previous re-definitions that had proven to be inadequate and again it is full of negative charge and comparison. At this point I surrendered, I was tired, frustrated and truly feeling WEAK. At this point I realized that I had to write out that what was attached to the word WEAK within my conscious world. I asked my buddy to assist and support me to get me through this point. In the end she gave me her definition, that she had come up with together with my moderater, of the word WEAK. She asked me to consider this re-definition and at first I didn’t see it work, while I was still blurred with all the bullshit that I had attached to it.


Yes, this simple it is. The first thought that came up after seeing that this re-definition does consider what is best for all was,” I didn’t do it myself”. So I basically went into WEAKNESS here. I stopped and I breathed, there is no need for being the inventer of things, when something is already within the best interest of all we can all use it. As long as we can see that it is in the best interest of all. So without acting from a point of ego I’m adopting this re-defintion into my Mind Construct and see it as support instead of WEAKNESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak compared to the strong I desire to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words weak and strong to charges myself with positive and negative feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when it comes to the word weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of weak and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ego as a directive principle to guide me through my experiences when it comes to weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as strong throughout my life, instead of seeing that this experience was merely there to cover up my true feeling of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the impulsing from society around the word weak as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak by lacking enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for giving upon me and making me weak, instead of seeing that I allowed my body to become weak, but that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the feeling of weak to feel strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than my daughter when it comes to medical assistance due to  financial priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak when I cannot do all the tings I want/desire to do on a daily base while having a dysfunctional arm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical out of fear to experience limitations that I already had placed for myself to begin with by abusing the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show of and picture myself as strong to my outside world.

When and as I see myself going into emotions/feelings around the word weak. I stop, I breathe and realize that acting from a point of ego within comparison and polarity will lead me nowhere. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the emotions/feelings around the word weak and I will use the re-definition of the word weak, to guide me/show me the living expression of the word weak.


Knowing when to end a dream within my reality 14/01/2012

I had a dream and many more, though I decided at a certain point in my life to manifest this one particular dream I had which would set me free from all that I experienced as limiting and which kept me bound to the system that I despised. It was like a wish, a desire that turned into a ticking time bomb inside of me, while I wasn’t aware of the ticking and not at all aware of the bomb that was the cause of the ticking. So I lived the dream and I walked the dream in order to escape reality and I found out that there isn’t something like escaping your physical reality if you do not want to end up dead. My physical reality can’t be ignored as hard as I tried, since my physical body is the only vehicle I have at my disposal to manifest and experience anything here on this earth.

To make this dream I’m speaking of more tangible I have to go back in time to see where the building blocks for this dream were formed and what emotions/feelings these building blocks consisted of. The dream I’m speaking of was escaping Holland to settle down in Italy and start all over, far away from the evil outside world. One of the building blocks was the urge for a “spacious” house, another was no longer dealing with compulsory education in regards to my kids, wanting to be self sufficient on a level of food and basic living, enjoying the fresh mountain air and escaping the petty Dutch state of mind.

I always longed for a “spacious” house and when I started opening up this point I had no idea where that urge ever started. It was simply there all my adult life, I didn’t question it, I simply followed it like a manual of how to live my life. Since ignorance isn’t bliss I had to dig deeper and find out more. When looking at my life I saw a life where I had been moving around the Netherlands  with my parents a lot. Always when my dad was able to get a better job we got a better house, that was the first imprint from childhood. Then we ended up living in a trailer for over a year with my parents, waiting for a house to be built. Living on such a small space with 4 people was doable, but not really enjoyable. As I’ve been suppressing most of my emotions/feelings throughout my life, always for the sake of something, I only have happy memories of this period. Though when I speak of this period I speak of all the inconvenient things that were inextricably connected to my life in the trailer and I was not really in peace with myself through suppressing all the negative. When we finally did live in the new “spacious” home it felt like a real relief, a feeling of “now I’m able to truly live”. So all that was negative turned now into positive and therefore a “spacious” house was the equivalent to freeing myself from the negative. These two imprints of “moving is improving” and a “spacious” house is “freedom”, which I allowed to  make me believe that moving into a bigger house would solve all that I was facing inside myself as negative was ignition for my ticking time bomb. Not realizing that I didn’t experience yet  this negative inside myself as something of myself, I experienced it as the evil outside world that was coming for me.

This meant that I made the effort to emigrate to Italy to find a “spacious” house and set me free of the negativity I experienced in my world as not being of me. I completely separated myself from my physical reality in order to not face this world as me. Once in Italy I fully experienced all the shit I had been resisting/ denying/suppressing, when I started my process and especially when I started my DesteniIProcess I knew that there is but only one solution; facing myself or going down with my dream. Only now, after almost 6 years in Italy, this point is opening up and getting clear to me.

Compulsory education is the foundation of the dutch education system, therefore homeschooling is not allowed by law. Back then I saw it as unfair, especially unfair towards me as a personal attack of the system which made me decide that I was going to fuck the system and let it know that I could fight it. How wrong could I be. Looking back at it now, I can see that I am the system and that I therefore was fucking myself big time. I was fighting myself and the system hit back with a judge and a fine. I was totally disillusioned and couldn’t see that it was simply cause and effect. I broke the rules of the system by homeschooling my kids for a year while the Dutch law forbade such a thing, so I was breaking the law and had to answer the system in the form of a judge and I was corrected by the system to follow it’s path again and paid my fine.

While taking this step of emigration I found out that also Italy had a compulsory education system and that only kids that lived too far away from the civilized world were allowed to be home schooled. Which made us look for remote areas where we could buy a ruin to restructure. On the brink of my emigration and wanting to escape the compulsory education system I knew there was a big chance that the kids had to go to school, which did already deteriorate my dream, but I didn’t want to face it. Instead I considered school all of a sudden as a good thing to establish the Italian language for the kids. Not that there was no common sense in this perspective, but it was the opposite of what I had believed in. What made me experience again only the positive and suppress the actual negative.

My partner P. and I have been talking a lot about being self sufficient and seeing it as the ultimate form of freedom. We considered collecting rainwater for the toilets/shower/washing machine and a cane field and anti bacterial Philips lamp to clean our own water to re-use it for consumption. We were investigating many ways of growing our own vegetable garden and building a house with straw and other ecological products. We searched for a place far away from any village to experience life as I thought it should be. There was one tiny little problem I didn’t oversee, I’m part of a whole and I was planning on separating myself from that whole. I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own not realizing that I was allowing a polarity to play out at my own expense. I felt like I could handle the whole world and take a stance like, me against the world, surviving life on my own force, while in reality I was the opposite. I feared life, I was running away from life and therefore I was running away from myself, separating myself from myself and not willing to face myself. So the ideas I had about living self-sufficient were not bad or evil in itself, it was my starting point for wanting this dream to come true that turned life/me against myself. Where it were first thoughts and ideas, later I walked them in reality and experienced life as being against me while my starting point was one of self-sabotage.

I liked the idea of enjoying the fresh mountain air and made it into a highly prominent motive to do this emigration into the Italian mountains. We lived around Amsterdam where the air was polluted and my kids and partner experienced astma-like symptoms of it. My reference points for thinking that mountain air would be better than the air we were breathing at that time were nice travel pictures of mountains throughout my life, hiking in areas in the mountains where no one lived and my partner P. his stories about his Italian youth and the nice air in Italy. Looking at these reference points I have to come to the conclusion in common sense that I’ve manipulated my reality into fitting into my dream/ideas. If someone would suggest me to buy a certain product, because of pictures and stories of others, I would not even consider buying into it. In my own case I sold myself Italy because of it’s fresh mountain air based on pictures and hearsay and I didn’t ask myself questions. Which shows me my true nature and who’s my possible worse enemy.

Escaping the petty Dutch state of mind is the same as escaping myself and that’s what I did. I changed the Dutch pettiness for the Italian pettiness and kicked it till it was sore. All along I was the one who was sore, I was out of options to let myself know what I was busy doing to myself. And when that wasn’t enough I started to develop physical problems, the last option of my body to ask me to please take self-responsibility. I looped within my physical problems for 3 years till this winter, it became clear to me how I’ve been abusing myself throughout my life and that I have to put this to a stop. I developed shingles, food intolerances, a dust allergy, candida albican and hives. It felt like my body was falling apart, my entire life I’ve been healthy and now the opposite occurred. It’s my physical explaining to me how I kept positivity in place and how I wasn’t willing to see the negative that was there at the same time within me ready to be dealt with. Positive can’t exist without the negative so it was inevitable that this would happen.

So I cried which I hadn’t done in a long time and let a lot of the negativity out, to see who I am and who I had become while not denying half of myself. Within this process of letting go and processing I found out that I had pushed away a feeling of not being happy where I am now in life. Knowing that happiness as we experience it now isn’t a stable factor to rely on, it’s an energy and therefore the opposite outflow of being happy. And yes my whole 6 year stay here in Italy I convinced myself of being happy with my new situation while suppressing the fact that I felt displaced and not belonging anywhere. Searching for this self-worth outside of myself, that I was convinced of finding there. I believed that self-worth had to be brought to me through the fact of who I was for others. Instead of having this stability and self-worth inside myself. Though the others were not seeing me as someone that belonged there, they saw me as displaced and reflected my own belief back to myself which gave me this horrible feeling inside of being eaten away from the inside. And that’s what it was I was slowly letting myself die/decompose letting all life slip away. So I STOPPED and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, till here and NO FURTHER. There was no escaping possible I had to continue facing myself and redefine my situation in common sense in the best interest of all.

I looked at my own created situation together with my partner P., knowing how our dream had looked liked back then 6 years ago. We had not been able to buy a house due to financial misfortunes already starting in Holland when selling our house. We had a stable job when we came here and within 2 years we lost the job due to the starting worldwide crisis and incompatibility with the Italian traditional way of doing business. We lost about 4 times jobs and tried all kind of little jobs on the side line facing every time the unwillingness of the Italians to use opportunities and to work with us. We’ve gone through winters of hardly having money to buy food let alone other stuff. Right now we lost again our jobs within an impossible labor market while trying to live out our Italian dream. My body is sick and so are the bodies of my family and there isn’t enough money to go and see all kind of doctors.The air we breathe is highly polluted by wood stoves and gives me asthmatic problems, schools are even worse then in Holland, food isn’t of a great quality, the costs of life are the same as in Holland only the salaries are way lower. So what the fuck are we doing here chasing a mindfuck?

I have to face myself as the only and ultimate solution and I’ve been busy doing so, yet 43 years of shit are not easily worked through. Step by step I understand who I am with my ugly sides included, though my physical reality asks for an immediate solution since having no job here in Italy,  means for us no money. And what is common sense? Staying there where you ran out of options without a big network in a country where one only get a job when one has connections and where others grant you with a job due to who you are and not what you are able to do? So we came to the conclusion that the best thing for us to do now is remigration to Holland and pick up the network that we left 6 years ago to which we kept more or less in touch with.

After the first investigations within the possibilities of remigration I found out that my remigration to Holland as a Dutch person means the same as emigrating to what ever country. First a job and a house then re-migration, welfare isn’t an option since they do not provide re-migrants with welfare. Holland is not welcoming their expats and re-migrants, it’s simply, once you leave your spot will be taken. When one Googles remigration the first searches are about non Dutch people who want to go back to their birth country, they can get compensation for their trip home and keep a monthly income from the Dutch State. I was astonished to hear and read about the unfriendly treatment of the Dutch State on several blogs from re-migrants, the same story over and over again. Though when we left Holland I remember that the official agencies were quite blunt and made it clear that they weren’t going to put much effort in my questions since I left. Also businesses are not welcoming people with foreign experience, they see them as a threat. Instead of seeing someone with a foreign experience and the ability to adapt they fear people like us.

So deciding to go back will not be easy when it comes to the practical procedure of it and it certainly won’t be a dream or a warm welcome. We will settle for a job and a warm home, instead of a living room at 14 degrees Celsius with the wood stove on. Sleeping in a temperature of 6 degrees isn’t really fun, so I’m basically looking for a dignified life where I can sort myself out and where I can be part of the whole instead of being separated from it. It’s time to end the dream and a second chance would be great, I’m granting myself a second chance I know I’m worth it.

I’m sharing here my Self-Forgivenesses that opened up through writing this blog. The Self- Forgivenesses that I already did over time are not included within this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a dream or a desire as something that can be real without consequences, instead of seeing that dreams and desires are based in energy and therefore not real within the physical reality, it will cause friction between real and unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in the mind and perceive my dreams as real as my physical reality without investigating my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the system and judging it for limiting me, instead of seeing that the system is me and it’s always me that decides to limit myself.Therefore I need to direct myself and take self-responsibility for the limitations I bring on to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality out of fear to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for life and longing for freedom to come and save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the evil outside world while in fact I was blaming my evil inside world for being existent. Therefore I didn’t want to be a person with negative sides I only wanted to see my positive personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality in order to not face the world as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the system for fining and correcting me, instead of seeing that I broke the law and had to face the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my believes in order to keep a dream alive. Instead of seeing that beliefs are not based in common sense and what is best for all and therefore not a solution to any problem to participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for being self-sufficient without seeing that I’m separating myself from the whole and not bringing solutions in the best interest of all when being self-sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of self-sabotage in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience life as a force that is against me, instead of seeing that life is me and being against myself is self-sabotage and therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up as my worse enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and let myself loop within a tree year period where my health was the investment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the negativity within myself and not wanting to take self-responsibility for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry and seeing it as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happy exist as something that is stable and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-worth comes from outside, instead of seeing that self-worth can only be allowed and accepted by me from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly die/decompose and not taking my self-responsibility for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing the scenery will change me and gives me the freedom to not face myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of perceiving a dream as real and worth chasing. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as living in my mind and escaping reality and myself  and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.


Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.


The miracle of multiplying bread and fish 14/08/2011

A few days ago I asked my parents to stay over for dinner. They always visit us a few weeks in summer and stay with their trailer at a nearby camping site. It’s summer now and they are here. So I had taken 6 trout out of the freezer to thaw and to be able to serve the fish that evening. On my way from the freezer in the garage to the kitchen I passed by my father and showed him the fish, he commented with, nice ones. Just before I was about to make dinner, my dad found out that he was staying for dinner. He had missed out on the fact that we already that morning had decided upon eating together. So my partner P. asked him why we would take out 6 fishes if only me and P. were going to eat it? Of course he didn’t know and he didn’t bothered either, he was going to eat fish and that was a pleasant surprise. As a 72 year old system who doesn’t know how to really handle the situation he spitted out a bible line, with the word fish as trigger point. He said, Jesus multiplied 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and went on with what he was doing.


Later I looked back and had a closer look at the miracle of multiplying bread and fish, that Jesus performed. The text that I read spoke about 5000 people that had to be fed and there was only one boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. The men who were with Jesus saw only a boy with little food and a big mass that needed to be fed. Jesus looked at the 1 boy with food and saw food. That’s the whole point of the story, are you seeing food that belongs to a few or are you seeing food that should be accessible for everyone. Food is food even when it belongs to a select part of the world population, it’s still food and enough to feed the whole world.


It’s a common opinion people have when discussing food and famine. People think there isn’t enough food globally to feed all mouths. But is it really? Just have a look at how much food people, in the rich and fortunate parts of the world, throw away. Look at how much the supermarkets already throw away. Look at how much food is thrown away on the vegetable auctions. The food is there, but we’re unable to use it, because it was fated to be thrown away. Isn’t that a fuck up, knowing how many people suffer and die daily of malnutrition?


Don’t get me wrong when I say we throw away and waste our food that I suggest to take this food to a third world county and feed the people. I’m saying, if we only would take our fair share and eat only that what is sustaining the body we wouldn’t eat or waste other peoples food. So that would mean equalizing the food and food production. That way all people can be fed.


If we on top of that also made the soil in more countries fertile and ready to produce vegetables and fruit we wouldn’t have the problems and costs of transport so much. Some countries would not produce much, because the climat and the soil are making it imposible. That’s no problem since other countries who have a lot of produce could share it. When this would happen in an Equal Money System the issue of how much such an action would cost, would be irrelevant. Therefore the statement that there isn’t enough food isn’t valid, it’s simply a statement of egoism and showing others that they do not want to share the basic needs with each other.


As Jesus already stated, there is food, enough food. We only have to see it, seeing beyond our opinions.


When hate becomes you 07/08/2011

Everybody knows this feeling of being disgusted by a person or the persons behavior or even by a message this person promotes. Some of us will express this feeling of disgust in a strong way and will say, I hate this person or I hate this group of people. For most of us this whole experience ends here and only when we are confronted or reminded of this feeling of disgust we feel hate emerging, but we suppress it and do not act upon it. There are people who cannot break lose from this feeling of hate, it occupies them day and night and they will search for people who share this feeling of hate with them or they will convince others of their point and stimulate those to join them and start hating. At this point these people are possessed by the feeling of hate and this feeling is fueling them with energy while the whole experience of hate becomes like an addiction.

When we are possessed by a feeling or fear we are not here in the physical, instead we are in the mind, living out our fantasy life to escape reality. Therefore we cannot see and we will not see how we are harming our environment and persons in particular with our behavior. A behavior that is only based in self-interest and only aiming on getting this energy to which we’re addicted. We do not see that the feeling of hate which is directing us, is reflecting the status quo inside ourselves.

If people who have extensive hate feelings and reactions towards others only would look inside themselves in self-honesty. Which means skipping the lies we tell ourselves to deceive ourselves, then we could see that the hate, the reaction is communicating with us about ourselves. We will not see how disgusted we are with ourselves to this point that we hate ourselves, no we rather accuse others of the very thing we hate ourselves for. Too scared to face ourselves. We’re fearing ourselves, we’re our worst nightmare and yet we try to blame others for it.

We go even as far as thinking up justifications why we are entitled to hate these others. There are the ones that do not get enough energy out of only hating, no, they pimp themselves up to a hero status, the savior of all saviors. They convince people that they have to slander and ridicule other people they hate. All this in order to show or convince their “hate homies” that this is the way to save this people from whatever they have made up, just to make their point. The whole point why they started hating in the first place is completely lost out of sight at this point. They’ve become hate, the physical manifestation of hate acting and taking over.

In school we call these people bullies and later on in life when they participate within a working environment they are labeled as sociopaths. It is not new and hate is not new at all, it always existed. What is new is the fact that hate in our current world is not the same as hate in the old days. Where people before got possessed by demons and acted out their points of hate by being the host for these demons. Nowadays demons are created by ourselves through extensive feelings such as hate and fear. Which means that we are now possessed by ourselves and totally aware of what we do.

Being aware of what we do to others and our environment makes these acts of hate even more evil than before. They know what they are doing and they’re doing it on purpose. So they rather slander or harm another person than being a grown up who is taking responsibility for that what they’ve created inside themselves. In other words haters/bullyers/trolls are people who fear themselves so extensively that they cannot look inside and cannot work with the point that is causing all of this.

I’ve lately been subject to the slander of Desteni-haters. This kind of haters is so transparant that even a child can see that they have extensive problems with themselves. They are disgusted by the Desteni message in such a huge way that they hate everybody who is connected to it. Due to the unwillingness to look inside themselves and lack of asking themselves questions. Questions such as, why am I reacting so strong to the Desteni message? When people normally disagree with each other they do not necessarily get possessed by it, no they simply move on. The Desteni message says, act in the best interest of all, be your brothers keeper, do not do onto another that what you do not wish to be done onto you.  When we look at the message then we can see that anyone who hates this message, obvious hates themselves and life in general. What does that make such an person? An abuser, an abuser of life. These abusers see themselves as less than life and do anything to make them feel more than life in order to no longer feel the disgust for themselves and therefore point their hate outwards. So haters are pretending they are more than others and have the privilege to do whatever they please, but they now they feel themselves as the lowest thing on earth.

Quite sad these kind of people, it only takes them one breath to decide they no longer have to hate in order to feel alive. They have to claim back life and understand that equality and oneness isn’t against them, but giving them the change to choose for life instead of fighting life and therefore themselves. It’s never too late to join the Desteni I process, where one learns how to master self-will, self-direction, self-honesty, self-responsibility and how to correct oneself in order to live life the fullest at the same time with all living beings on earth. Intimidating a Destonian is pointless, since a Destonian does face their fears and does understand his/her actions.


Blood and screaming sucked me back into a memory 31/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.


Pictures withholding me from living within reality 14/07/2011

My partner P. checked the weather forecast and today will be the hottest day in a row of heat waves. The forecast is 38 degrees Celsius ( 100.4 F ) in the shade. Together we decided to head for the river, a half hour drive from our home. For about a week we are having heat waves now.  The last couple of days the heat is causing problems for our computers. Cooling down with ice packs does help a bit, but not on an old laptop which has to perform at editing videos. So I’ve mostly been working early in the morning and late at night. The house has no airco, therefore the only way to deal with it is escaping the house at the hottest moment of the day.


When we arrived at the road above the river, there were yet no cars parked, only 2 scooters. P. and I reacted with: “GREAT !”, on which our son J. said: “why is it always so great when there are not too many people?” Good question and good observation. P. and I are both not attracted to the big masses. Enjoying ones day at the beach or river like sardines packed in a tin, isn’t our idea of outdoor fun. That’s exactly why we didn’t decide to go to the beach today, but instead going to the river.


What is running in the background for me is the way I perceive this spot at the river. To me it’s kind of a secret spot that not too many people know and I see it as an idyllic place. So when the rocks along the river are packed with people, the picture of my physical reality contradicts my mind definition of the place. This gives friction and feelings of something isn’t okay, while it’s bullshit and common sense that at hot days also the river is packed with people. So my experience of myself here depends on pictures and definitions and isn’t one of stability yet. This way of thinking is even a mind fuck to the extent that it’s limiting myself to really fully enjoy myself in the cold waterfalls, rock basins and the water slides. There is this little track where one can go along with the stream over the rocks like the water slides in water parks.


Funny how I do not describe the water slide in the first person here. I never took the slide so I do not speak from a point of experience. P. and the kids love the slide. My excuses are: the water is too cold, I’m not really the swimming type and the stream goes too fast. Within the sentence “I’m not really the swimming type” I see that I still live within personality, because if I’m not a swimmer what am I instead? Someone who likes to sit at the sea or river side, thinking that she actually enjoys being there. But in fact when I look in self-honesty inside myself, I see that this definition of myself is the same time a limitation of myself. Therefore not really a moment of enjoyment and not at all as being in nature, with nature and as nature.


The fast streams give me this sense of fear, the fear of losing control, going too fast and not being able to get out of the situation. On the other hand I never took this water ride so all of this is in fact mind babble and not tested within the physical reality. While I’m writing this on paper I’m at the river. I’ll see if I will allow myself to be directed by this fear over the day.


Since temperatures are rising to 41 degrees Celsius ( 105.8 F ) in the shade, I decided to give it a shot and go into the ice cold water. The kids took me to a nice rock basin, but I first noticed a resistance already by leaving our spot and walking through the people masses to the basin. I didn’t feel confident enough to walk around in my bikini through the masses of people. My son J. said to my daughter A., mom has difficulties with showing her body in public. Yes, that was the nail on the head. But I kept breathing fully aware of what my mind was pulling off and staying in the physical. Seeing that everybody was bothering it’s own business, made me realize that I wasn’t that much in the spot lights as I imagined myself to be. Making a big deal out of walking in my bikini would merely be a mind fuck.


So off we went to the little rock basin. I took some time to let my body get used to the cold water and then we jumped in. The kids said that it was best to first take a dive in the basin and get used to the water temperature before taking the water slide track. Also here I noticed resistance towards jumping into deep parts of water, I prefer some steady ground underneath my feet. Again a point of control. Then we went off to the water slide and indeed it was fun and it was not that difficult to stop myself before going down on the next waterfall. Strange enough I expected resistances at this point of taking the slide, but there weren’t any. During the day we took several times the water slide to keep ourselves refreshed.


So the physical reality told me exactly what it was to pay attention to and the mind babble only intensified the fears within me. Therefore no more fears before trying things out in the physical reality. Which should mean a life full of dares ahead in common sense and fastening my seat bells.


The reason why I started writing this story is the fact that I’m seeing this place as an idyllic, totally natural outing of nature. While this perception is based in pictures. By taking this spot as total natural with clear, pure mountain water, I was merely following the picture in my mind. Last year we found out that this river, more down stream, had been polluted with the dumping of toxic waste. No one could see a difference by looking at the water, only when people spotted  lots of death fish and alarmed the right agencies who tested the water they found out what was going on. Therefore we have to question ourselves if we perceive reality through mind processes such as pictures or if we are in the physical and seeing what is really here.


Most people live within their pictures and definitions, which makes us incapable of looking beyond the so called beautiful picture. We even do not like it when others tell us how fucked-up reality really is. It simply contradicts our make belief experience of reality. I’m within a process of seeing more and more what is really here. The picture presentation I presented myself till today was still a point where I was holding onto a make belief world.


Time to get real, which doesn’t mean to fear the world or not trusting it. Simply following the money to see where certain pictures of the mind are in discrepancy with reality. As long as we keep ourselves within a make belief world, nothing will change due to our inactive behavior. The world though does change, because while we are enjoying our make belief movie, things are turning really ugly. Denying it, will not make it go away. It won’t go away.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that its better to spend a day at the river with not too many people there.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel special and therefore wanting a special place almost alone for me.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated by the fact that more people go to the river and spoil my picture and idea about a secret place all alone for me.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by wanting to be alone at the river, not understanding that there is no me and them within the physical.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being packed like sardines is something bad to such an extent that I want to separate myself from it. While not seeing that this equals separating me from myself.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a definition of specialness to the spot along the river and in doing so making me special for being there.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel friction when my mind pictures do mot match reality.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself by pictures  and personality instead of being stable here in every breath.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through building a false reality based on pictures.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself here in every breath at the river side due to pictures and limitations of the mind. While understanding that it takes only 1 breath to direct myself and see what is here.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being the swimming type.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within personality.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control based on ideas and no real time experiences.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with no real time experiences.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about my body image when walking through masses of people in a bikini.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the centre of the world and imagining all people looking and staring at me when I pass by.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will be shocked by seeing my almost naked body while I’m not considering the fact that people look at my bald head.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear jumping into a deep water basin and losing control.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lose control when jumping in a water basin where I cannot get my feet on the ground.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the water slide based on mind projections.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my mind pictures than reality, in an attempt to live in a world that has still beautiful places and is  exactly that what I see through my mind.


When and as I see myself participating within a point of experiencing myself and my world through mind pictures and beliefs.  I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by doing so I separate myself from reality and myself. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the fear to live within the physical reality -and participate equally.