Sylvia's writing to freedom

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

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How original am I? 21/02/2011

Originality one of the main pillars of my identity and one of my biggest struggle in life so far. Originality has given me highs and lows and I let it determine my state of being.

According to the dictionary originality has 3 different meanings:

1. the quality or state of being original.

2. ability to think or express oneself in an independent and individual manner; creative ability.

3. freshness or novelty, as of an idea, method, or performance.

1. the quality or state of being original.

When I look at this state of being original and then take it back to my origin of Self as I know it now, then I can not find any originality. When I was still in the whomb of my mother I grew from a fertilized cell into a human being just like all humans do. Within this process I meanwhile downloaded the information of my mother and her entire family and of my father and his entire family. So my building blocks to start off with were those of others that had gone before me, nothing to be ashamed of and at the same time nothing to label myself as unique or original. Me, a random mix of human qualities and abilities, who wants to be special which is an impossibility in itself from the starting point of my origin as a human.

2. ability to think or express oneself in an independent and individual manner; creative ability.

As a child also my parents saw me as special and original and confirmed all the behavior I had in that direction. I developed self worth from this stimulation of my fresh ego and my identity started to be moulded by my surroundings through my allowance and acceptance. Being grateful and feeling wanted. Going into the world and already seeing myself separated from  all the others due to my state of being original and being different. Already at a young age I experienced the world as “them” and I was standing at the other side of the line. Growing up within a capitalistic society enhanced all that I had determined myself to be. The moment I had to chose my profession for life I choose to become a monumental artist this did feed so much into my feelings of specialness, uniqueness and  state of being original. I simply had to follow my creative ability and it gave me a short period of feeling high, till the low kicked in. I saw the fake world of the artist with its pseudo intellectuals in it, my stomach turned by the look of so much surrealism within my world that I pursued as real. I had a quick peak behind the veil of the delusional state the world is in, I changed studies, but didn’t change my quest for originality.

3. freshness or novelty, as of an idea, method, or performance.

My whole life I tried to approach everything from the point of view of freshness and novelty. I even believed that I started some trends, since I started something and saw other people around me do or wear the same after a while. How can the mind trick oneself. We are all draw from the unified conscious field, how original can one be. We download each others data through relationships and sex, how can one even tell what’s his or hers. We are humanity and we simply blend in to each other, after a life time nobody has any original ideas or performances left. Even this non-identity fades away over the years, look in the eyes of the elderly and proof lies there. So my quest for originality is useless and just betting on the wrong horse. There is so much that needs to be done in this world that I can not afford it to loose myself in delusions such as originality. I simply have to let go and I will.

The whole point of originality and me taking it so far that it is has even bothered me to such an extent that it keeps me from effective living, in the sense of living in the best interest of all through the equality equation, became more clear to me this week. I saw already for quite a while that people were quoting each other and I truly didn’t know why the fuck they were doing this. From my point of view this was a lack of originality and the fear to rise above the crowd. I knew that several countries/cultures see quoting as a valuable virtue. I’m raised and educated in the Netherlands and I never had to learn quotes from other “important” people in school. When writing our papers teachers didn’t like it when you quoted a lot, it had to be original or the message had to be written in your own words. People who quoted a lot were in my opinion people with low self esteem and not capable to reach…yes to reach what? To reach to full perfection of their selves, to become their true selves? I don’t know, I see that it is a lot of judging and blaming from my side.

So I noticed my reaction towards quoting, within a certain awareness, for the first time this week. The only way to find out why also Destonians quote each other, was simply to experience it myself. When listening to video’s I liked to summarize it in my own words, as I was taught. Quite a task while struggling with originality at the same time. So this time I listened to the video’s of Sunette and took that part where I could relate the most to the information she gave to me and I quoted it at Facebook. Wow such a great experience to re-listen to that point within the video and write it out. So now it’s clear to me, it’s all about being humble and not wanting to be more than the whole for no reason at all. Just inhale the information and breathe out so others can also enjoy it. This is information in the form of oxygen. Really cool.

I am original and unique at points that do not matter and do not make a difference to who I am and what I do. Being my true Self in self honesty in every breath and moment, here within the physical is as far as my originality goes. Re-programming myself into a worthy human being, but all of this without the starting point of specialness. Just being and collaborating in the whole is enough to bring about change so nobody has to struggle and fight for his unique identity anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to be original and even to be the most original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see originality as part of my personality, instead of seeing that personality isn’t real, stable and of the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my personality when I’m no longer original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself when no longer original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see quoting as an expression of weakness and low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that one cannot reach and become their true selves while quoting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as special while being original

 

Big Brother on Facebook 27/01/2011

I read an article about the way Facebook  secretly sells check-ins and likes from Face book users for advertising purposes. Our friends on Face book will view our postings as Sponsored Story. This means that companies are able to buy from Facebook our comments, likes and check-ins and show it as a Sponsored Story on top of the wall of our friends. When these companies use your comments or likes also your picture and name is connected to the Sponsored Story. Facebook will not inform you that a company is using your material. Since it’s only used within your friends network and your friends were already able to see what you were up to, Facebook states that there is no privacy breach.

People get all worked up about this kind of “Big Brother” related issues that take place in secrecy. I’m not saying that it’s a cool thing when others make money out of you and do not share it with you and further take your “lifestyle” and sell their product with it without sharing the profits with you. It’s not cool at all, but isn’t that the down site of our preferable capitalistic system? When people smell some “Big Brother is watching you” they get all nervous and paranoia. People really think that somebody or something is able to watch each step they make. What is this? Are we scared of being exposed? Or are we feeling ourselves so special that our government/the elite is watching us like paparazzi? I would love it when a company used my comment made in self-honesty full of common sense and in the best interest of all. Seriously I doubt that will ever happen, self-honest comments made in common sense will never sell dishonest products.

If we really could stand for the actions we take on social networks like Facebook we wouldn’t be scared when somebody is copying our “lifestyle” and we wouldn’t fear these kind of things so tremendously. As soon as we are aware of being watched we fear it, all is fine if we do not know it. Our personal information is everywhere on the internet, because we leave it and place it there. What is there to hide anyway? People get all nervous when their name is used for good or bad things on the internet. When your friends are recommending you to someone else without telling you first or your friends are gossipping behind your back,  it’s the same. The only difference is the money, on the internet the starting point for companies to buy your “lifestyle” data is making more money. So maybe it’s greed that makes us so angry at others that use our “identity” to make money and cut us out of the deal.

It’s possible to steal your identity in lets say a 15 minutes action on a computer and somebody else can use your ID to mingle within society and let you pay his bills or even get you into jail. Now that’s something to worry about. That’s data exchange in the worse interest of all. Still nothing to be scared of all day. What scares us the most is being exposed and that has nothing to do with our “lifestyle”, I’m talking about our secret mind. All the spitefulness, jealousy and abusive thoughts we all have within our secret minds. That which we hide the most, but can be seen in every action we take.

I wonder how my comments fit together with advertisement. Something like,  Sylvia Simone Gerssen said: “equality for all”, Viagra. Or Sylvia Simone Gerssen said: “check out the I-process”, Apple.

Fearing “Big Brother” is the same as fearing ourselves and that’s what scares the hell out of us. The fear for being exposed for our greed and the transparency of our secret mind. Don’t you see it, it’s the words you write and speak and the actions you take accordingly that expose you for who you are. That’s your identity/lifestyle that you leave behind on the internet and within society. Don’t blame others, blame yourself and do something about it. Already a large group of people are taking self responsibility and acting in self-honesty instead of blaming. They place the comments and information on Facebook you still react to. Thats us, Destonians who strife for an Equal Money System and world equality. See you around on the internet.