Sylvia's writing to freedom

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

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I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

 

Unwrapping myself after winter 05/04/2011

A couple of days ago when the temperature suddenly went up as if it was already summer, I, for the first time in weeks unwrapped myself in front of a mirror. I was familiar with the image I had seen throughout winter, this kind of Michelin man dressed in many layers of clothes. When I went to bed, I always undressed really fast so I would not cool down too much, before dressing myself for bed. When taking a shower, I also undressed quickly and never really watched myself in the mirror. So there I stood in front of the mirror looking at the surprise that I unwrapped. OMG I have a belly, yes of course I have a belly, but this one is filled is stuffed. The first thing that came in mind was, put this back in the wrap, because I do not like my present.

It seems that I still have certain images I hold on to, otherwise it would only have been a finding or a fact, that I had gained weight after winter. I always gain weight in winter, some extra fat to keep me warm. Normally I would see myself daily in the mirror, my belly and my image in the mirror would grow slowly but surely along with me. It wouldn’t have given this shock, I would have been gradually gotten used to my new size.

I still fit in my clothes so there is not much to make a fuss about. In fact that would have been the only thing I would have made a fuss about. Making all new clothes takes a lot of time and money, which I do not want to spend if it’s for no good reason. Therefore no big motions, I still fit in to them, I only now am feeling the limits of my clothes. My clothes are saying, till here and no further. So I’m back at a “diet” of only eating what my body needs and not extra stuff because it tastes good.

After 2 days of non-useless and non-mindless eating I already feel a bit lighter, which is of course bull shit. By not taking the extra’s for 2 days I can impossibly lose all my winter fat. This brings me to the point of feeling, after my unwrapping I was just before having my menstruation. In that period I always feel like a huge person due to the fact that I have fluid retention and swollen breasts. Winter fat plus fluid retention gave me the impression, the feeling that I gained many many kilo’s. Now 2 days later when the fluid retention is gone and I took responsibility for my diet again, I feel kilo’s lighter. I didn’t take any measurements so it’s purely feelings that as I can see, cannot be trusted. So as long as I hang on to these feelings, I cannot be trusted and I am dishonest in fact.

Gaining wait is something that happens for a purpose or out of a purpose, all the emotions,  feelings and fears around it are distracting me from what is really happening. What really happend was me listening to my back chat, the voice in my head. Then when I become a bit more familiar again with my body, I woke up in the morning and turned around in bed what hurt my right breast. I automatically touched the place where it did hurt and I felt a lump in my breast. A big shock went through my body while still not completely awake. OMG a lump in my breast! Every PMS period gives me lumps in my breast and they go away after I had my menstruation. The whole day these thoughts about the lump came up and with that the memory of my sister-in-law who had breast cancer. Somebody in my village had breast cancer and now a brain tumor. Before I knew it I had this chain reaction of thoughts about other people’s illnesses. So I had to stop and no longer participate. Which is not easy, to find the line between ignoring/suppressing or really not participating. Nevertheless I still fear lumps and cysts and things that were not there before. The painful breasts have gone now and so have most of the lumps, it’s time to really connect again with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my image in the mirror and therefore accepting separation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat accumulate my thoughts and lead me to places in the mind that are not in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alienated from my physical body after winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings around illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my feelings as real and as valid measurement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate and at the same time have fears around it of not knowing if it’s ignoring/suppressing or really not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to a certain body image, that of a flat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to personality/image and therefore holding on to my ego.

 

Diet update 05/03/2011

Already weeks ago I noticed an intolerance for certain foods. When I look back this intolerance was already there for at least a year, but more hidden and less present.  First it was obvious which products caused problems, then the amount of intolerances speeded up to the point that I was sure that I had an intolerance for all foods, even the word food. I felt downcast and searched for ways to get me out of this point of “feeling” and I needed something more touchable than feelings within my physical world. I couldn’t believe that a person could be intolerant to food in general, so in that case I was mind fucking and deluding myself.

I started my own diet of stripping all types of foods and drinks and started over with water and carrots. Every day I added something new and wrote down on which foods I reacted and tracked down what my definition of these foods were. This was at that point the only way to see what I was dealing with. The amount of foods to research was a reasonable amount and while still busy with it the intolerances faded away. I started to eat the “forbidden” foods again in small amounts to see what it did to my physical body, nothing much really. I abandoned my research and continued with normal life again. That’s how we humans operate, when things turn bad we act, when things go as normal or even good we will not question.

In this period of food intolerances I was at the same time peeling of layers within my process. When I continued eating normal while all looked fine again I had a moment of, how should I say, a sort of nothingness, a too calm period, a void. This static state of being started to irritate me, I committed to process and I started biting through my mess and I didn’t like to stop and rest, I desired to continue at the same constant quiet pace. Biting, biting, eating, chewing, till the mess is cleared whenever that may be. Quite a fascinating phrase I just wrote, a metaphor with food related words, mmm interesting.

Now when having myself totally surrendered to the mind constructs I started to notice an intolerance for certain, already identified foods from before. At that point I saw the connection between these two periods of peeling of layers and realizing myself. This time I did avoid or ate only small, tiny amounts of these foods, to reduce irritation. It looks like I’m really sensitive while peeling my layers and once I’m more stable within those points the food intolerance fades away.

It’s kind of a cool tool this body of my, it indicates all kind of things, that is if I’m willing to slow down and see.

 

The bathroom scale 03/02/2011

This morning while picking up the bathroom scale I had this memory flash of buying this particularly scale from Ikea. We already had a scale, one with a clock face, a manual one. Every time when I stood on the scales I didn’t trust the amount of kilo’s it was pointing out to me. A nice one actually, I didn’t trust that what was pointed out to me and didn’t want to look at the clock face for being confronted with the actuality of that moment. So what does a well programmed being in such a situation? Desiring for another scale, one that is precise and never lies. Ooh Sylvia what were you wishing for? So after repeatedly asking my partner P. when he drove by an Ikea to bring home a digital bathroom scale, finally we bought one when we were together at Ikea. I felt like a kid with a handfull of candies. When we came home I tried the scale, I wasn’t the first one and I wasn’t that eager. I had formed this idea that a digital scale never makes mistakes,  it probably doesn’t make mistakes, but was that the point I was dealing with? I stilled the desire for a trustful scale, but did I still the trust within myself?

When I, at the age of 21, followed my self made diet I didn’t have a scale, I simply watched my body and how I was fitting into my clothes. Back then I convinced myself that I didn’t need a scale, which was kind of looking the other way and having a back door in case I didn’t loose that an amount of weight as I desired. I became skinny on a strict though varied diet, not that I was fat to begin with, but as every women I had these pictures in my head of what was preferable when it came to body image and what not. My parents thought I was too skinny and prey to all kinds of flues and colds. I didn’t see myself as too skinny I was on the look for a man. Till so far I hadn’t been successful with the body image I had and with finding a stable relationship, so common sense for me in that moment was to change the outside.

After birthing my 2 children my body was dilapidated, a belly muscle torn and was irreparable. I didn’t like my body and I had hoped for more elastic skin. I compared myself with girlfriends who were like an elastic band, they gained back their old figure after a few weeks. It took me a few years and even then it wasn’t as before. I could have compared myself with girlfriends who never got into their normal figure again, but I choose not. It had to do with the perfect body image picture inside of my mind. If I had only known that I was chasing ghost, a never achievable picture inside my mind, and I was due to fail.

When I became a mom programs started to run which I allowed to led me make always the choice for healthy food. My environment was praising me for being a good mom while both my kids were very difficult eaters. This made me go further into this health construct, if the kids were eating almost nothing then it had to be healthy food. Years went by and I didn’t see that I was involved within a pattern and what I was heading for. The day arrived when I decided that my family was going almost raw. The missing piece of the puzzle. P. loved to eat salads and the kids liked their veggies only raw and also to me this “diet” appealed. Why did it appeal? Within the research I had done on going raw I had seen flashes of loosing weight as side effect. I saw that I was finally able to loose some weight, even the scale was my friend again. I felt healthy and I was happy with my body image.

At the time that I started participating on the Desteni open forum I realised that my mind had been tricking me into this health construct and that I had allowed and accepted it. Various emotions came along to be dealt with, regret, shame, anger etc. Also this was a side effect of what I was really dealing with. I bought the digital scale and almost never used it afterwards. It was me not trusting myself and hiding away from this fact. When looking at myself in the mirror I often saw a strange person that didn’t fit the picture in my mind of this slim perfect lady. I didn’t trust myself to ever become this picture and I didn’t trust myself with food. I never ate compulsive, but did ate too much or too little I hadn’t yet established self trust within my food intake. Now I occasionally muscle communicate to see if I’m on the right track and I am. I still eat too much now and then, but I know this already before I eat it and do it intentionally, which gives me the opportunity to investigate what’s going on.

The picture I see of myself in reality now is who I am in that moment. It changes along with the phase I’m in within my process. Shaving my head has assisted me immensely to be able to see myself without all kinds of decoration. Just a step in the right direction, it was fun to search through my memories after the flash back of the bathroom scale. I aslo see that I have still a lot of loose ends, but in time I will pick them up and adress them. Step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust what I point out to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the actuality of the moment while being confronted with my weight

.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my idea that a digital scale never lies and that I therefore need such a tool to give me trust that I can not find inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a back door while dieting to prevent regret and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that changing my body image would resolve all underlining issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that after birthing 2 kids I would be cool with a dilapidated body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within a health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that going raw was good so I could loose weight and gain my perfect body weight.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and ever become the picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with food.

 

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.

 

Freedom 05/12/2010

Yesterday I wrote about my diet and why I’m doing it in a radical way. Since I found out that I feel myself worthless due to DNA in-heritage, I see all that I do in such a different light. If someone a few years ago had said to me; “Sylvia I experience you as a person who experiences herself as worthless”, I probably would have become quite mad. In other words my ego would have reacted quite strong. Now I can see in self honesty that this feeling of worthlessness sneaks up like a snake and needs to be handled accordingly.

I’m doing the diet as thoroughly as possible within my set points, because I can clearly see that I need to do this for myself. It’s a form of responsibility towards myself, which I’m willing to take at this point in life. Every food type, that’s giving me physical problems, is telling me the story about me, is giving me the tools to release myself from these points and enables me to move on. I’m really grateful for this.

When I started SRA in Januari this year I tested and discovered a lot of things and I became aware of my self-sabotaging thoughts that I had. I did quite a lot of Self-forgiveness on it and it disappeared. Now I can see that these thoughts were just the tip of the iceberg. This feeling of worthlessness expresses itself in so many actions I do or not do. I will take them on one by one, till it’s done. I do not even feel overwhelmed by it as normally. I just know I have to do this period.

My body is reacting extremely and direct when I do not stand within myself, It’s quite heavy but I do not feel it as heavy in the sense of heavy weight on my shoulders. I am finally communicating with myself and that’s something I cherish, it’s the key to my freedom.