Sylvia's writing to freedom

Kids & responsibility 1 25/03/2011

One of the most important questions a parent should be occupied with is, how do I learn my child what responsibility is and how do I  learn my child to be it’s own directive principle. It starts of with your own starting point of self honesty, there is no way your child is going to learn how to take responsibility when you do not walk that what you talk. That’s why you as a parent or care taker are the living example for your child. So it always starts with your self honesty and your application within reality.

As a mom of two kids of 11 and 14, I bring self-honesty on a daily basis into practice, which does not implies that I’m always successful within this. The beauty of living and interacting with kids is the fact that they respond immediately and reflect your points of dishonesty and points you still have to work on. There are also moments in which I have moved on, though my kids follow still my living example of my past, even though I moved on and changed myself in the best interest of all. In that case I do need to show my kids that they need to reprogram their behavior since it will lead to nothing constructive and is merely hanging into a loop I created for them to join me. So it’s my responsibility to cut the cycle/loop and show them how they should approach the new situation without emotions/feelings in common sense. To get some what practical I will illustrate this by an example of an event with my kids. I will outline the situation first, before starting of with sharing the event.

My relationship with my in-laws deteriorated over the years, first when the kids were small I was able to not interfere within the relationship of my kids and their grandparents. At a certain point when the kids became older I could not hide my stance towards my in-laws and they picked up that something was going on. Though still they went to stay with their grandparents in the summer holidays. I got in a situation where my in-laws got quite nasty, which I didn’t corrected at that time due to fears and needs. The kids started noticing the difference in the behavior of their grandparents and didn’t want to spend time with their grandparents anymore. We ended up in a situation where we didn’t see each other, but my in-laws kept communicating through e-mail and every time more nasty. The kids were confused to hear what their grandparents said about their parents and even about them. At that time I hadn’t yet directed myself fully.

So all this had happend and then my daughter A. had her 14th birthday and she got a parcel by mail from her grandparents and also my son J. received a gift. When I gave the parcels to them after the mailman had left, they weren’t thrilled. They took it like there was a bomb inside and had all kind of comments that showed how my living example had accumulated over time within their thinking patterns. First they were looking very unapprovingly at the gifts and indeed the gifts didn’t match what the kids were involved with in their life’s. When one does lose track of one another it’s not easy to find the perfect fitting gift. After a while they looked again and A. could already see how and for what she could use her gifts. J. was still upset that he got a book that his grandparents had been looking for since ages end finally they had found it and send it to him. He said, they know I do not like reading that much and I wasn’t looking for this book anyway.

That evening I asked them to send their grandparents an e-mail to confirm that the parcels had arrived. They protested against my request and the resistance was big, so I left it there and picked it up the next day. I asked them again if they would write an e-mail to tell their grandparents their parcels had arrived. This time they said, why should we send an e-mail we didn’t ask for the stuff they send. I explained that it wasn’t specific about the stuff it was just common sense to let others know that their parcels had arrived, nothing more and nothing less.  I reminded them of the time we had send a parcel and the receiver hadn’t communicated that our parcel had arrived. We asked it ourselves, but it would have been nice if they had let us know. Simple communication and participation. Now the kids understood what I wanted from them and promised to send the e-mail. After a week of asking if they already did send the e-mail my son J. started writing one. While he was sitting in front of the computer he decided also to write that he didn’t like to read books, though the story seemed to be exciting. This was great, he not only took responsibility for a simple communication point he also used communication to let his grandparents know that books are not the best gift to him, in which he was directing his own situation. A. took another week before responding and did the same as J.

I explained them that it wasn’t a matter of liking their grandparents and it had nothing to do with past experiences it was simply being here in the moment and communicating in a practical way to not plant seeds for more confusion at a later stage. In a way the kids were relieved and it felt comfortable for them to be their own directive principle and take in the end responsibility for this event. We talked more about how I was standing within this old conflict and they really felt they could do something about it instead of being the victim just as I had been showing them all along.


OMG they are no longer my friend 14/03/2011

Yesterday while promoting my “Equality message of the week for you” Facebook page amongst my friends I missed a profile picture. As easy as people do friend you on Facebook or You Tube as easy they unfriend you. And when I looked again I saw that I was missing out on 3 persons, my aunt, my uncle and my nephew. It brought a ominous feeling over me, they silently left the room without saying why.

These things are so revealing and again pointing back at me to show me where I’m at in process. My mind started guessing right away. Don’t they like me anymore, are they fed up with my Desteni messages, will they gossip about me within the family are they going to express feelings of concern about me within my family and can I fix this.

The funny thing is that I barely know them anymore, when I think of my aunt and uncle, I think of memories. Our last physical contact was 3 years ago on a birthday party of my dad. My nephew at the funeral of another aunt around 10 years ago. I accidently stumbled upon them on the internet and connected due to the fact that they are family. Whenever other friends unfriend me I do not ask myself all these questions.

When I found my nephew on internet and connected with him on Skype we had a short chat. He asked how I was and I answered. He didn’t say anything about himself so I suggested to exchange e-mail adresses to keep in touch and gave him the url of our family blog with all the stories about immigrating to Italy. He never responded again, till my dad said: “your uncle says that you do not want to connect with your nephew anymore.” I was left in the dark and could not figure out how someone could twist words like that. I told my dad that this was more then a communication error, it was ought. I left it there at that point, I figured it would be useless and no fun when someone isn’t able to normally communicate. I saw that I was holding on to my memories, those I had from him when my 9 years younger nephew and I were quite close and meeting up at family reunions.

It was rejection that I felt with my nephew a few years ago and yesterday it was again rejection I felt when not finding them between my Facebook friends. I see that I’m taking this personal while I have no clue why they left, so it’s my ego at work here. I need to work with what is here and here is my Facebook list missing out on 3 people. Why they left only they know and if I figure that it would make a difference if I knew why I should ask. In fact I’m not even that curious about their motivations, would they tell the truth if I asked or confronted them with their unfriending, I have no idea. I see that my concern is me in a self interested way. I’m asking myself if they are going to make a fuss towards my parents. This fear is based at my recent experience with my brother-in-law who in a possessed way was alarming quite some family about our involvement in Desteni. I say involvement in Desteni, because that’s what people see, they do not see or hear what I’m saying. It feels like being judged on their idea about Desteni, which that may be and if they even really investigate it or rather start screaming stimulated by their own fears. Again assumptions from my part while the fact is still that they left my Facebook account.

Is this changing me deep within my foundations of who I really am? NO. So then I need to stop bothering about it and move on. There is no need to get possessed about such a normal daily happening affect. I friend, people unfriend and I friend others gain. Isn’t that how life goes, moving on?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the act of being unfriended as something personal, instead of seeing that people can only decide upon this due to their own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project fears into my future about my aunt, uncle and nephew who could make a fuss within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach this event through the eyes of previous memories with these family members.


Our new fundamentalistic “faith” 09/01/2011

My day started off as a nice quite Sunday, the sun was shining outside. I did the things that had to be done in order to run my household. Then around noon my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad”. This means usually assumptions, a lot of emotions and us being asked to justify ourselves. I felt some energy in my solar plexus, not so much fear, but more the feeling of I don’t want to go there anymore. I felt like hiding from the abusive words that were triggered by memories that came up. I didn’t want to participate within these feelings and memories, but this is a though one that always tickles my ego and seduces me to feel personally attacked. P. and I talked a lot today about it to see why we still react and to stop this. My parents-in-law and I do not connect anymore and we do not hear each other so any communication right now is useless and a waste of both our time. It had been so nice and calm and we hadn’t been hearing from them in a while.


The accusation this time was about P. his blogging and our new fundamentalistic “faith”. We haven’t been dealing with this kind of family construct yet, but we knew it was about to happen sometime. P. had been writing about his dad amongst many other things within self-honesty and hadn’t been twisting his experience/reality towards his dad at all. His dad took it personal and accused him of having no clue why he had done the things in life how he did them. The whole point of blogging is self reflection and within self reflection one can only write from the perspective of self. My father-in-law thinks that we do not understand the word honesty and he referred to an old saying that says: “Improve the world and start with yourself”. I have to say that for the first time in ages I do agree with him on that one, nevertheless it’s one thing to write it or say it, it’s another thing to apply it.


My father-in-law says about P.’s process that it’s a fundamentalistic and new belief/faith and it doesn’t leave any room for discussion and that P. is avoiding any confrontation about it. I can’t recall my father-in-law ever asking P. about it. He ends his e-mail with the statement that he and his wife have the feeling that they lost their son and grandchildren. Then he states  that he hopes that P.’s new faith is worth the price P. has to pay for it and that he has to carry the consequences for the rest of his life. As you can see I’m no longer mentioned within e-mails, only when it comes to brainwashing then I’m in the picture again. What bothers me the most is that for the umpteenth time assumptions are being used as facts. It triggers this polarity point of being more or less within me, on which I have been working within SRA. My father-in-law presents himself as the almighty Lord who doesn’t need to study about our “new faith” or verify his “facts” within reality. I will no longer participate in this emotional turmoil they time after time try to trick me in. I must stick to the facts and all that I see then is two sad people who feel victimized by their son while ignoring the fact that they’ve created and participated within their own reality.


Then after lunch we received an e-mail from my dad, who said that my brother-in-law had sent him an e-mail. These two men do normally not have any contact. My brother-in-law expressed his worries about P. and the kids and wanted to bring to my dad’s attention that P. has started blogging and gave him a link to the blog site. My dad read it and then sent a copy to my brother, because he wasn’t sure if he had understood the English articles well enough. My brother confirmed to my dad that there wasn’t anything disturbing or new written in the articles. Both my dad and brother expressed that they themselves would never start such a blog, because you never know who might read it and who will use it against you. The usual fears people have which we already dealt with through self-forgiveness. My dad then had an e-mail exchange with my brother-in-law in which my dad basically said that he didn’t see any disturbing fact within P.’s blog site and that he knew about our financial situation and would do anything to help us financially just as my brother does. I have no other word for my brother-in-laws actions then gossip. He also told my parents about an organisation in Africa that asks €1200,- for a course that we might be involved in. He sounded just like those “cultbusters” on You Tube. My dad asked my brother-in-law how his relationship with his parents was developing and why he had been talking about this with his parents. My brother-in-law said that his relationship with his parents is in good shape and that it was only out of concern he contacted his parents. We all know that the relationship between my brother-in-law and his parents never has been good.

It’s sad but my brother-in-law showed his true nature by gossiping behind our backs about us without asking P. what was really going on. So P. wrote an e-mail to both his brother and dad. My brother-in-law does not understand that in May this year we are 3 years involved within Desteni. Before today he didn’t see us as odd or different and now all of a sudden we are. How fantastic and reliable is the human mind.


P. and I and the kids were asking ourselves at a sudden point what this was all about anyways. How can one make such a fuss out of our normal and not at all special way of living. If they had studied what it is we’re involved in then they had found out that it’s about equality and living ones live in the best interest of all. Which doesn’t mean pleasing some one else’s ego. Don’t do onto another what you don’t want to be done onto you and love your neighbor as you love yourself, aren’t fundamentalist principles. Who sees equality for all as a fundamentalistic believe and sees that as leaving no room for discussion is partly right. Equality for all isn’t debatable.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel energy movement inside my solar plexus.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego be tickled by memories about nasty comments from my in-laws.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not connect with my in-laws and separate myself from them and label them as bullshitters.




Breath 12/11/2010

A few days ago I left a comment on Lindsay’s blog, about the fact that I do not envy her for dealing with all her friends and old friends. I haven’t got that many “friends” left after about 30 times moving to a new place. The few old friends are mostly not very active with e-mail and can’t be found on the internet. So till this comment I wasn’t very determent by facing old friends. I shoved it off for later.

Yesterday I found an e-mail in my inbox of one of my old friends K.. It was a reply on an e-mail which I had send her 6 months ago after a comment of K. on my web shop. She wrote me that she isn’t an active e-mailer, but for me she would make an exception (?). Than more words about how bad she’s in replying and how shocked she was when she saw the date on the e-mail I had send her. Than she asked for my phone number and said that she would call me soon. Till so far no call. Yesterday evening I started to imagine about how it would be when she would call me, getting all worked up about it. What shall I say to her, how will she react. She obvious hasn’t seen any of my bald pictures so she has no clue of what I’m doing currently. Do I need to tell her all about it. Will she still be into Reiki, I was the one who introduced her into light work. Than I had a terrible cough fit and was almost hyperventilating. Only in that moment of discomfort I saw/realised what I was doing. I was projecting all kinds of irrelevant questions into the future. For what? The fear of extending/expanding myself? Yes, that’s the fear I muscle tested it, because in facing old friends I extend myself in self-honesty in every breath and every moment. Directing me on a self willed base through these encounters. This cough fit sucks and feels quite shitty. I certainly commit to self honesty, but I still have this polarity within me represented by two voices, the mind and I… In the moment of the fit I got hold on my breath again and forgave myself.

Today my partner P. totally stripped my laptop to put in a new hard disk. Therefore I had no access to my computer. Yesterday I made the commitment to myself to do each morning a vlog and each evening a blog. I reacted on the fact that I couldn’t do a vlog and there wasn’t going to be another moment to do a vlog. Though I wanted to do it around noon there was a moment free, but by then my voice wasn’t cooperating. I built up more frustration and at the time when I was taking my first bite in my cheese burger I choked in my food. P. and the kids looked at me as if they saw me die. The choking went into a hyperventilation attack/panik attack, it was as if I had to breath through a straw. I went into the kitchen, I tried to calm myself down by doing the four count breathing. It was quite difficult this time. I needed air and opened the kitchen door, my mind suggested fresh air. Of course the attack was indoors the same as outdoors, what’s the difference when it’s all about me. I walked within a pacing run underneath my clothesline trying to get some breathe again and doing the four count breathing. I wanted to pull myself up as if I had fallen into this deep pitch and had to crawl up. My mind made me believe that I was about to die, but I saw really clear what delusion my mind was taking me in. I DID NOT ACCEPTED IT AND I CANNOT ALLOW MY MIND TO DIRECT ME. I did self forgiveness inside my head, because talking wasn’t yet possible. My God what am I doing to myself? Just out of the fear of extending myself, how can this fear be true? How real is fear, this fear is a perception of my mind to keep me in its grip and to keep me enslaved in fear. NO, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE WITHIN FEAR AND THE MIND. I’M NOT OF THE MIND, I’M OF LIFE AND I CAN EXTEND MYSELF WITH SO MUCH EASE THAT IT WOULD FREAK MY MIND OUT. Who died ever of extending oneself? All I have to do is be aware of this trap and in the end diffuse the point. I can do that. I can change from within just as everybody, we have to. If we can not even direct ourselves, what has to become of this world that is a perfect reflection of ourselves?

I went indoors and the kids and P. were very relieved that I spoke and was breathing normal again. This point is a though one, but I will get through it and waiting for the next point to show up.