Sylvia's writing to freedom

When hate becomes you 07/08/2011

Everybody knows this feeling of being disgusted by a person or the persons behavior or even by a message this person promotes. Some of us will express this feeling of disgust in a strong way and will say, I hate this person or I hate this group of people. For most of us this whole experience ends here and only when we are confronted or reminded of this feeling of disgust we feel hate emerging, but we suppress it and do not act upon it. There are people who cannot break lose from this feeling of hate, it occupies them day and night and they will search for people who share this feeling of hate with them or they will convince others of their point and stimulate those to join them and start hating. At this point these people are possessed by the feeling of hate and this feeling is fueling them with energy while the whole experience of hate becomes like an addiction.

When we are possessed by a feeling or fear we are not here in the physical, instead we are in the mind, living out our fantasy life to escape reality. Therefore we cannot see and we will not see how we are harming our environment and persons in particular with our behavior. A behavior that is only based in self-interest and only aiming on getting this energy to which we’re addicted. We do not see that the feeling of hate which is directing us, is reflecting the status quo inside ourselves.

If people who have extensive hate feelings and reactions towards others only would look inside themselves in self-honesty. Which means skipping the lies we tell ourselves to deceive ourselves, then we could see that the hate, the reaction is communicating with us about ourselves. We will not see how disgusted we are with ourselves to this point that we hate ourselves, no we rather accuse others of the very thing we hate ourselves for. Too scared to face ourselves. We’re fearing ourselves, we’re our worst nightmare and yet we try to blame others for it.

We go even as far as thinking up justifications why we are entitled to hate these others. There are the ones that do not get enough energy out of only hating, no, they pimp themselves up to a hero status, the savior of all saviors. They convince people that they have to slander and ridicule other people they hate. All this in order to show or convince their “hate homies” that this is the way to save this people from whatever they have made up, just to make their point. The whole point why they started hating in the first place is completely lost out of sight at this point. They’ve become hate, the physical manifestation of hate acting and taking over.

In school we call these people bullies and later on in life when they participate within a working environment they are labeled as sociopaths. It is not new and hate is not new at all, it always existed. What is new is the fact that hate in our current world is not the same as hate in the old days. Where people before got possessed by demons and acted out their points of hate by being the host for these demons. Nowadays demons are created by ourselves through extensive feelings such as hate and fear. Which means that we are now possessed by ourselves and totally aware of what we do.

Being aware of what we do to others and our environment makes these acts of hate even more evil than before. They know what they are doing and they’re doing it on purpose. So they rather slander or harm another person than being a grown up who is taking responsibility for that what they’ve created inside themselves. In other words haters/bullyers/trolls are people who fear themselves so extensively that they cannot look inside and cannot work with the point that is causing all of this.

I’ve lately been subject to the slander of Desteni-haters. This kind of haters is so transparant that even a child can see that they have extensive problems with themselves. They are disgusted by the Desteni message in such a huge way that they hate everybody who is connected to it. Due to the unwillingness to look inside themselves and lack of asking themselves questions. Questions such as, why am I reacting so strong to the Desteni message? When people normally disagree with each other they do not necessarily get possessed by it, no they simply move on. The Desteni message says, act in the best interest of all, be your brothers keeper, do not do onto another that what you do not wish to be done onto you.  When we look at the message then we can see that anyone who hates this message, obvious hates themselves and life in general. What does that make such an person? An abuser, an abuser of life. These abusers see themselves as less than life and do anything to make them feel more than life in order to no longer feel the disgust for themselves and therefore point their hate outwards. So haters are pretending they are more than others and have the privilege to do whatever they please, but they now they feel themselves as the lowest thing on earth.

Quite sad these kind of people, it only takes them one breath to decide they no longer have to hate in order to feel alive. They have to claim back life and understand that equality and oneness isn’t against them, but giving them the change to choose for life instead of fighting life and therefore themselves. It’s never too late to join the Desteni I process, where one learns how to master self-will, self-direction, self-honesty, self-responsibility and how to correct oneself in order to live life the fullest at the same time with all living beings on earth. Intimidating a Destonian is pointless, since a Destonian does face their fears and does understand his/her actions.

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Time traveling to tralala land 03/07/2011

Recently I was explaining to someone that the energy, of which spirituality  speaks, is a non existing energy. Energy isn’t something that can be transmitted onto another person as if it was sound as if we are speaking with each other. It is something within the mind of one person and it becomes an surreal experience of that person. I illustrated this with energy transmitting as in Reiki, which I practised years ago. This conversation let me back to the Reiki evenings that I attended and after the conversation I had with this person I reflected further upon these evenings I had on a monthly base with a group of people.

My mother-in-law initiated me within Reiki and she was my master so to speak. The one I could turn to with questions. Every question I asked was answered by her with either, “I do not know” or “you are doing strange things with Reiki”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about etcetera”. So I was on my own and searched the web for answers, which wasn’t easy, to find genuine answers. At a certain point I found fellow Reiki practitioners and from one group I ended up into another. I stayed a few years with them as the group kept changing participants.

To me these evenings were my evening out doing my spiritual stuff. I was intrigued by this energy work, it gave me self-worth and last but not least specialness. I enjoyed belonging to this group though I perceived all the others as psychics and myself as a wanna be psychic. All the others had always amazing stories about how their energy powers had improved over the last month. I was just me and these stories made me quite insecure as if there was something wrong with me for the lack of these amazing stories. We were assigned to someone for the evening to practise the Reiki positions on and to develop our skills. In a way I felt threatened, I had this fear that they could see right through me and see my dishonesties. I simply didn’t want to share all with them.

We had one lady in the group and whenever she did Reiki on someone or received a treatment she was traveling in time back and forth. She could tell the most amazing stories, most of the time she drew symbols that she had received on her traveling. All the people in the group loved to hear her stories. Often she asked the one she was working with during such evening if they had traveled along with her. Also when I had her under my hands she disappeared totally in her mind, I of course did not see or feel anything. Due to the group pressure I kind of was ashamed for not being able to join her. At the same time I was strongly questioning her travel stories. The couple who organized it went completely along with this bullshit, so I thought it was me who was different. I never asked this lady what kind of books she had read and what kind of movies she had seen throughout her life. That probably had explained a lot of her amazing stories.

Whenever I was treated by someone else I never felt any energy, so I started wondering if I was blocking their energy, if it didn’t work on me or were they just bragging about their energetic abilities. When I had to say something about a person when we did our evaluation round I used cold reading, of which I back then didn’t know the name yet. I was very good in remembering what people were telling every meeting and I watched their body language really close. I registered their reactions towards others when psychic information was revealed. Whenever I told a person something about them within the evaluation round I was never telling them something new, I simply compiled a story with the information I’d got about them during the meetings and they always went into denial. To me it was clear that people preferred to hear only positive tralala information about themselves and absolute no confrontation with reality. I mean also I feared to be discovered for dishonesties, but it made me think though.

One evening a psychic medium was invited and we were asked to bring an item for this lady to touch. She could give information from the afterlife from diseased people that were close to us. I defined this as a special ability, to be able to predict or tell information through objects and for he most part of the evening my ability to apply common sense was gone. I was even nervous to get to my turn. I brought a broche from my great grandmother and I was eager to here something about her. Wow what a disappointment, all the other stories sounded so amazing and these people were almost flabbergasted. She told me that my great grandmother was dancing in heaven and having a great time and that was it. I never went to such a gathering again, we even had to pay for it.

So I was seeing the facts and I had experienced the fact that there was no transmission of energy going on and there was no such thing as someone telling me stuff I didn’t already know. Yet it took me quite a while to get off of this energy bullshit. It was the specialness and personality building around it that I wasn’t eager to let go off. It was the need for my “special hands”, I called my hands my first aid kit. On holidays I only took bandages and iodine with me, when ever the kids fell and hurt themselves I treated them with Reiki and stopped their wounds from bleeding. Now I can see that I wasn’t a master in Reiki I was a master in persuading people to manifest.

The turning point of no longer using my hands on others, was when I had treated an acquaintance several times and I expressed that his chest/heart area wasn’t feeling okay as in not okay energy. Weeks later I found out that the guy was brought to hospital with an ambulance after a heart attack. I felt so fucking guilty. In a way I felt and believed to be the causer of his heart attack and on the other hand I saw that I had planted a seed of fear within this guy which led him to a heart attack. It all felt so fucked up, I feared my capability for doing evil within an attempt of doing good. Good for my own profit. Not much later I found Desteni and energy work/spiritualism was one of the first things I investigated within the Desteni materials. To find out that it’s all in the mind, if it was real, love and light had already saved our planet. Our planet is in need of real solutions and no fantasies about the solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to blame my mother-in-law for not being of any support, while I was blaming me for having no answers to the chaos and search for specialness and purpose I was in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to seek specialness to gain self-worth through my actions instead of valuating myself for who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to believe in energy work as real since it provided me a personality with which I increased my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear myself for what I am capable of when it comes to creating and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear evil inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to live in a fantasy bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to feel jealousy on others who I perceived as psychic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to see my hands as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to need a purpose in life that is important and of value, instead of seeing that being here as me as life is enough.

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of specialness I stop and breath. I realize that seeking specialness is participating within the mind, while being here in every breath is being me and no longer searching for me within specialness. I will no longer participate within specialness, since there is no need to search outside myself in order to feel alive. I’ll direct myself to participate within the physical and not hiding within the mind behind any form of specialness.

 

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.

 

I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself 03/01/2011

A few hours ago a felt a little pimple on my cheek, at least I thought I felt a pimple. So I decided to look into it later to see what kind of anger or frustration I was holding inside me. When I touched it again some time later I wasn’t sure if it was a pimple. It is situated on the spot where I had twice shingles, I just recovered from the last episode.

I felt an energy charge within my body and my mind started to speak to me. What if it is shingles again and I allowed myself to feel sick in my stomach only from the thought. The fear accumulated and I let my partner P. and later my daughter A. look at it and they both said that it didn’t look like a pimple. I was mad, mad for going along with this energy charge and mad on the fact that I might have again shingles at more or less the same spot. The fear accumulated even more, what if I have a weird disease that’s causing me to have shingles over and over again? What is wrong with my immune system? What is it that I haven’t seen yet that’s causing this? Why do I believe the voice in my head?

What have I overlooked the last two times, what do I still have to work on? What energy is still within me?

“Heaven” is the word that tested out with muscle communication and to clarify that the following sentence: “Approval and pretense rarely go together with inner decisions.” In another session I tested that my shingles was about not standing up or speaking out, so I internally haven’t fully committed yet to stand up for myself as life. My actions were according to standing up as life for all, but it wasn’t backed up yet with a 100% inner decision. So I asked myself what was withholding me from not going for the full 100% and I tested that I fear to die in order to rebirth myself as the physical. The dying is the dead of the ego, okay so I’m still not willing to give up ego. I still believe what the mind tells me about myself, who I believe I am. Things like: I’m a good person, I’m able to listen to others, I care for others, I’m creative etc. So every time I’ll believe myself to be a certain way I wil stop and slow down, I will breathe and remain here in the physical. This is heavy, but it’s not that I considered myself already free of ego, no not at all. So a lot of work, but not different from the moment before I started writing this blog. I’m determined now again by the fact that the ego is sneaky and can’t be trusted and I have to be more careful and aware. To understand what the mind is up to before it attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I had a pimple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the spot was a pimple and not being aware of the energy the mind was accumulating in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically sick by the thought of having shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for going along with this fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mad at my body for possibly producing shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a weird disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is deficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is causing the shingles every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as life with a 100% inner decision backing this up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die and rebirth myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the things my mind tells me about myself in relation to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being careful and aware when it comes to the actions of the mind/ego.

 

What did I learn so far? 17/12/2010

I’m now living 42 years on this globe and what did I learn till so far?

I learned to be “good”, so that others reckon me as a “good person”. Being “good” may be at the expense of myself or others. I learned that it was okay to have the opposite thoughts within my secret mind in the same moment as being good. So for instance doing my homework, but at the same time to spite my teacher for the homework within my secret mind. Doing everything that people ask of me if this is going to portrait me as being “good” and at the same time hating this people for asking me to do things for them. I learned that this was the way to cope within society and family, but I always could feel the friction and the shame for what I did. I wasn’t able to understand this experience or to direct myself within and according to this information. Nobody ever learned me that being a “good” person attracted the opposite within my life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that I was less than others. My little brother liked to tell me how he saw me as less intelligent. My other family members didn’t say it, but acted like it. Within the school system where I was not more than average I was seen as less. All this enhanced my inherited feeling of worthlessness. So I learned to eliminate and suppress myself throughout life. I wasn’t worth anything so why bother to consider myself within the equation of life? The few people who learned me that I was worth something, learned me to stick up for myself no matter what. Through this I learned how to be egoistic and to put myself at the first place, because I was worth it and special. Nobody ever learned me that by perceiving myself as less or more, I learned to perceive myself as special and therefore unequal to the rest of this world. This way of living was meant to fail in one way or the other, because I didn’t consider all as equal as one. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that the choices I made within my life had to be based on money. Money, they learned me, is the key to move yourself through life/society. So all choices had to be calculated and weighted, was the amount of money equal to the fortune and succes that came forth of it? When I decided to do Art school my dad said with a smile on his face: “I’m fine with your choice, but this means that you now have to find a rich man and marry him”. When I decided to never live my life on more money than my fair share my dad said with fear on his face: “I’m not sure anymore if I want you to inherit my money, because for what purpose are you going to donate/use it?” I learned about the limitations and advantages of money and had to conform myself to it in order to survive. By seeing money as the most important thing in life I changed my life into slavery. Nobody ever learned me that it is possible to change the system and to change the value of money into the value of life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned to compare myself to others and played the game for being better than the rest. This stimulated a sense of distinguishing myself from the others and form an identity for myself around it. I specialised myself in being more special and original than everybody else. To always find the yet undiscovered solutions and feel as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations. Nobody ever taught me that instead of individualising myself and therefore separating myself from the rest would only bring more separation into the world. So that everybody would compare and compete with each other and not seeing the value of working together and functioning as a group. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that friendship/relationships were the most important way of bounding with other humans if I didn’t want to end up all alone and miserable. When I was 3 years old I met my first girlfriend and this felt like heaven. After many many times of moving from one city to another she still was my  best friend till I was about 20 years old. All other people I met I compared to her and no one could measure up to her. In all other relations I felt like I was playing the second violin, I was never ever some one’s best friend again. So I gave up on friendships and relationships for a long time. No one ever learnt me that we are programmed to search for that same energetic feeling we had within our first friendship/relationship. Within giving up on friendships I was giving up on my self and separated myself from all the others. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that love was the ultimate way to conquer all that seemed impossible and bad. Love would make the most difficult situations work, love from your family would made you feel appreciated and would give you self worth. Love is something you can give in great amounts and people who receive it will benefit from it. If we send love/money to the third world it will flourish again. Spreading love through the words of the gospel will heal the world. Giving love in the form of spiritual energy it will help people to heal themselves and a better world will occur. No one ever told me that giving love wasn’t possible, it’s merely an idea within our mind and not transmittable. Nobody ever learned me what it meant to love my neighbour as myself and therefore look every neighbor straight in the eyes, because I have no secret mind shit going on. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

All these points were accumulating and turning into rotting fish and I knew there was something off. So I started to search in various directions to see how I could answer the questions I had asked myself so many times. I deluded myself as many times as I asked the questions, but I was determined to find the answers. Accidentally I came across Desteni where all my answers about “being good”, “being less”, money, competition, friendship, love and many many more questions were answered. Not only were my questions answered I also learned how to deal with it and take responsibility for it in real life and how to better/perfect myself to become equal and one to all life. To do the equality equation and to fully understand the words common sense. The best part is that I learned how to better myself and within doing so to better the world I’m part of together with all the others who walk the same path as me. I”m still in my early period of my process and there is still so much to tackle, but simply knowing and experiencing that I wasn’t going crazy and what I went through probably everybody is going through. One person wants to act on finding these answers and start process and the other chooses to stay ignorant and reject process on earth.

This process we are in at Desteni will bring forth world equality and an Equal Money System in order to live a dignified live without the fear for survival and the need for competition. It might have started of as a “future projection”, but the stadium of “fantasy” as some would call it has gone. We are busy implementing the EMS through the Desteni Income Plan which is running at this very moment. So world equality here we come to say goodbye to life as we have known it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate people in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for participating within the secret mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe others who told me I was less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of better or less, at my own expense or the expenses of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as more special and therefore being unequal to the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make choices based on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as the most important thing in life and therefore made myself a slave to money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in competition and constantly compare myself to others to see if I’m more special and unique than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations of finding an original solution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all the others by individualising myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to stay happy and part of society I had to make friendships.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare all my friendships/relationships to my first one and searching constantly for the same energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on friendships and therefore giving up on myself with the result of separating myself from society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will give me self worth instead of directing myself and therefore being certain of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will solve and conquer all.

 

I was a junkie 22/11/2010

This morning I watched the YT video of Gabriel ZM in  which he explains what a certain band and a certain song had meant to him and how he uses it now to support himself to take him back in the here and now. His story made me look  and investigate into my own life to see what certain kinds of music had meant to me.

When I was little and even before I was born, my grandmother had a children’s choir and several choirs for adults. When I became four years old she gave me the outfit of her children’s choir. I felt proud and part of her world, we lived two hours driving from my grandparents and therefore I didn’t see the choir sing very often. Without understanding why I was always attracted towards choirs, I joined the Protestant church choir at the age of 8. When I moved out to go and study art I searched for a choir and became a member of a gospel choir. I wrote a musical and songs, no music only the lyrics, I enjoyed myself and it felt as the path to take within my life. When I moved to Amsterdam to study social work, I searched again for a choir to belong to.

I found a Baptist church which was just at that moment forming a gospel choir. Since moving out of my parents house at the age of 19 I hadn’t been in church again. The founder of the new choir invited me to a service of theirs to understand from where they were coming. So I went the next Sunday to church to meet these people. I was thrilled about the songs they sang in church, they were clapping within certain rithems and they sung in parts. In front of the church was a band playing and I was attracted and drawn into this scene. I started practising with the choir and kept attending the services at Sunday mornings. I made new friends and I felt like I belonged. I found out that they also held services at Sunday evening with only singing, I was thrilled again. At a certain point I was even baptised.

I witnessed the other adolescents  of the group that were to be baptist and they were happy and ready to serve the Lord. I on the other hand wasn’t even considering serving the Lord, I felt happy for the fact that they let me join their church community. I felt high and full of energy after singing and joining this church community. The parson of the church held an interview with me a few weeks before the baptising would take place. He asked how I was standing within the whole event, I didn’t really know what to say. I told the parson that it made me happy, that was normal he said. At the most the conversation took about 10 minutes, I had nothing to share. The day itself I was nervous, not so much about the baptising and the religious meaning of it. I was nervous about doing all the rites proper, so they wouldn’t dismiss me from the community. As if they would do such a thing. The choir ended up as a semi professional choir and every weekend we were singing somewhere else. After choir rehearsal I was always full/loaded with energy, when I came home I started browsing in advertising leaflets which I saved up for this purpose. I did this browsing with such speed it was almost inhuman, but my way to release the surplus of energy.

Quite soon I was fed up with the people in the community and their little world. We went twice a year away with the choir for a long weekend to do extra practising. After the first time I hated it, they only spoke about God, obviously. The singing was only practising parts of a song with a part of the choir to study on the polyphony. No great singing, only being locked up in an isolated location with these people. When I met my partner P. I convinced him to join us and he did. One of our choir members turned out to be a parson wannabe. Every occasion when we where performing he grabbed the moment to speak and preach. It was hard for me to stand still and to listen to him talking nonsense. I didn’t have the guts to speak up and confess to the audience that I didn’t agree with him, but that’s how I felt inside. After I had my first child we moved out of Amsterdam and I stopped attending church services and the choir. It was quite a process to disengage myself from the community and the singing. The dislike for the whole religious ambiance made it possible for me to cut loose and to never search again for a choir again.

The week after I shaved my head I had a lot of realisations and this was one of them. I never before had asked myself why I liked going to this church and the singing in the choir so much. I was addicted to energy, so much that I can easily say, I was a junkie. An energy junkie, who became cranky when I didn’t got my energy shot. Always busy with how to maintain and keep myself within this group to ensure my weekly energy shot. All that distracted me from the energy kick I dismissed as boring, stupid, unnecessary and something I didn’t want to be associated with. So these powerful religious music frequencies had an hold on me, till this love hate relation turned into hate. The hate made it possible to break loose from my addiction. Till now I’ve never addressed this hate or the energy issue so it’s time to do some rehab.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be part of my grandmothers world and therefore proud on wearing the choir outfit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the gospel choir was my life path, instead of seeing that it was a pre programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for gospel groups to get this feeling of belonging, instead of looking inside to see myself and no longer search outside myself to get validation and conformation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the Baptist church scene, by falling for the energy produced by the singing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I belonged within the Baptist scene and used the new friends be accepted and able to stay within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as a outsider within the Baptist scene, because I knew I was in it for something else which I than not understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within the Baptist group and only took and didn’t give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the singing made me high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the Baptist members for their faith in God, while their faith delivered my energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene and become cranky when I didn’t got the amount of energy I was hoping for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and be honest about my motives for joining the group even though I didn’t know them back than, I knew their was something of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the religious ambiance while I loved the energy, knowing now that one cannot do without the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of hate and love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an energy junkie and not considered what was best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the others to be boring, stupid, unnecessary belief and someone I didn’t want to be associated with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the religious music frequencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene, while I hated myself for being dis honest and infiltrated a group out of self interest.