Sylvia's writing to freedom

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?


When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.


So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?


Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.


Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.


So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.


Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.


Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.


Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.


Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.


A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self




See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.


How we treat our domestic animals is a reflection of how we treat life in general 25/08/2011

A few weeks ago we had a little kitten roaming our garden and staying close to our house. The kids spotted the kitten, played with it and saw that the kitten had no idea where it came from or where to go to. My youngest son J. was literally in love with the kitten, my daughter A. and the girl next door were already asking around within the neighborhood if any of the neighbors was missing a kitten. No luck so far. We let the kitten sleep outside the house, made a safe and comfortable place for him to stay. The kitten had no intensions in leaving our garden, so we decided to make a plan the next day.

When we opened our front door the next morning, the kitten was still there and ready to play. We kept him outside the house to not upset our oldest male cat too much. Our male cat Lana is possessed with taking care of his territorium and when there are new smells of other animals, he’s spraying the whole garden and inside the house to let everyone know that he’s in charge. He’s castrated, but that doesn’t seem to bother his spraying behaviour. This all started when we moved into our current house where the neighbor cats had claimed the garden for many years and had to give it up to the new renters cats. So we had a lot of fights going on, I kept my cats inside the house at night since the meanest cats were like gangs checking the neighborhood at night. We already encountered the mean fat red tomcat and his right hand the pirate cat. We call him the pirate, because he is blind in one of his eyes after a fight. We knew what we were dealing with, kept the new kitten out of sight of Lana and discussed plan B.

The girls had been asking around if the kitten had an owner nearby. Some people said that they had seen the cat already walking around for weeks in the adjacent neighborhoods. Everybody was concerned, but not ready to step in and help out. The grandmother of the girl next door even forbid the girl to be part of seeking the owner of the kitten and said that she herself has already enough cats. That was quite funny since nobody asked granny to take the kitten in any way, wich means that she didn’t trust herself on this point and feared to be charmed into taking care of the kitten. This granny had indeed 2 cats around her house who literally abandoned her and I would dare to say due to lack of real care. They also have a lot of animals up into the mountains where they own a piece of land, but there isn’t a real taking care issue when it comes to the cats that live there. The cats take care of themselves.

So plan B was taking care of the kitten and in the meanwhile keep searching for the owner. The outflow of plan B in case that we didn’t find the owner was to bring the kitten to a shelter. We would love to keep the cat, but after months of adapting problems between our oldest male cat Lana and the last kitten we took in our home last summer, it wasn’t a real option to go through again. Although it was tempting. Our 2 oldest cats, Lana and Lupa, were abandoned in a cardboard box with their sister Katja before they were brought to the shelter where we got them from. They are traumatised for life, but we deeply care for them. Then last summer another cat came on our path and was up for adoption. The new one called Siep is an open, friendly and exploring cat and so much fun to be around. Siep had no adapting problems, but the traumatised cats had. With this experience we made ourselves believe that bringing the kitten to a shelter would be the best option. I kept wishing for it’s owner to be found since that would be the best option of all, as I believed. My partner P. warned that it also could be a case of abandoning the kitten for their owners to be able to go on a holiday, which is still common here.

The kids decided to make flyers to hang throughout our small village. They took a charming picture of the kitten, wrote a message on the flyer and made strips to tear off with our name and celphone number. Again A. and the next door girl went from home to home with the kitten, where they hadn’t been yet the day before. So now we had to wait. We decided to make our cellar into a guest room for the kitten. He already showed that he was cat box trained, so we made a cat box, put water and dry food in the room. The kids made him a box with a towel to sleep in and a few homemade toys. We’d gone through all these efforts, because letting him free in the garden could make him leave. Then when the owners would call us, we wouldn’t have their cat anymore. The kitten enjoyed his stay in our cat hotel and J. went in there every 15 minutes to make sure all was alright. In between that A. checked on him and also I went in from time to time. So no lack of attention.

The next morning A. and I were doing groceries when her phone rang when a boy/young man living down the street called us. He had seen the flyer hanging on a lamppost next to his house. The boy studies in Rome and is over for the summer holidays to visit his mom and sister, they all live in the same house. He told A. that the kitten was his and that he had him for 2 weeks now and that the kitten must have escaped the garage. We arranged for him to come by after lunch to pick up his cat. We were relieved and sad at the same time, because the kitten was so much fun.

The boy came by to pickup his cat and thanked us a million times. He said he was glad that we had found the kitten since people around here do not really care. To us it’s normal to act in this way, all life is life and therefore worthy. He took the little kitten in his arms and he looked so happy. I felt relieved that the cat was back with his owner who obvious cared a lot about the little creature. After spending 3 days with the kitten it already felt empty without him, but he lives so close, we will probably see him many times again.

A few days later while walking by the house of the owner of the kitten I saw the kitten walking freely in the garden where the gate was wide open. I automatically talked to the kitten and he responded by walking towards me, I stroked him, he snuggled. When I was ready to walk a way the kitten started following me, so I did put him back into the garden and lucky enough for both of us he found a grasshopper to chase and was distracted.

Later that day I spoke about the kitten being loose again with the kids and A. said that she also noticed this and spoke about it with the owner. This family has proven already that they want to be nice to animals, but in reality it comes down to almost abusive behavior. They once had taken in a rejected rabbit that after a while started to eat a way through his wooden home. They watched it talked about it and did nothing, till the day that it became a real hole in the side of the wooden rabbit home. They decided that this was the moment on which the rabbit had gone too far, they slaughtered the rabbit and had him for dinner. Also the abandoned and traumatized dogs they took in are a almost too big task for them. The boy is quite good with the animals, but the mom and sister do not care much. Now with the boy at university in Rome the animals are left alone with these 2 women. So there I had my second guess on the sanity of my action when I gave the kitten back to the boy. Was he taking the cat with him to Rome? Was the kitten staying with these women? I decided to keep an eye on it and ultimately offer to take in the cat myself if things would go wrong.

For a while I didn’t see the kitten when I walked by the house of the boy. The garage was always closed, so I figured that they had become responsible and waited with letting the cat go outside when it was more used to it’s surroundings and a bit bigger. They do live close to the main road that goes through the village. At dinner one time I mentioned to my kids this fact of seeing these neighbors as more responsible now. A. looked a bit weird at me and had this undecidable look in her eyes. Then she said, “The kitten is dead mom”. WHAT! I didn’t want to believe the words I just heard. I felt anger coming up. A. said, “See that’s why I hadn’t told you”. I was mad, mad at the world, mad at these people and in the end mad at myself. And that was the only point I could work with, the only point I could explore and change.

I was mad for believing the picture of the young man holding the kitten as if he was in love with the animal. I was mad that I hadn’t been using common sense, while I knew about this family’s history with animals. I knew that they were irresponsible with the kitten and I hadn’t acted upon that information. I wanted to believe, that this young man would care as an equal for this little creature so badly, that I didn’t see what was here presented to me. And that is a shitty experience, not knowing if I could have saved this kitten’s life.

During this same period I met at work a family where the mother of a family of 4 had a 15 year old daughter and a 5 year old. She, in public, was the most perfect mom I ever saw. Later I heard from my boss that the oldest daughter had found a listening ear in her. The 15 year old girl explained how she was the Cinderella of the family. Her stepfather, looking like Ken and working in the finance world, was headhunted by her mom to have a beautiful child with, her little half sister. The 5 year old would be given diamond necklaces while the oldest had to watch and hear that she wasn’t worthy of getting anything. During their stay in the country house of my boss, the oldest had to mop the floor, wash the towels, all kind of chores that are included in the price of the country house. When my boss told the mom that the girl didn’t had to do all of this since it was her job, the mom responded, no she has to do this it’s good for her discipline.

So the kitten story hit me just even more and the anger I felt after hearing about the death of the kitten was accelerated by the Cinderella story. So what did I learn from this? Whenever the picture presented to you is too good to be true, investigate what is really here, because you might allow and accept reality to fuck with you. And that isn’t bringing any orgasmic feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad when I heard the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my surroundings after hearing that the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at the owners of the kitten for their irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame the owners of the kitten for their irresponsable behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge the owners of the kitten for not taking real care of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the owners of the kitten for having animals without giving them basic care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the owners of the kitten for not seeing animals as their equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for not directing the situation while the facts were in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away on the rush and energetic feelings of the anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the anger as an excuse to not be aware in the moment when  A. told me that the kitten had died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe that the kitten had died and instead choosing anger to hide my feelings of guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the death of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not acting in the best interest of all when it comes to the care of the kitten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for buying into positive pictures people present and try to sell to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that the death of the kitten had never taken place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a better owner of animals than the owners of the kitten and my neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of better and less within the care for animals.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of losing myself within the energetic rush of anger when I sense unfairness .I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as anger/ blame and judging others for my experience of myself and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.


We met the face of BIG PHARMA 21/08/2011

We had a simple request for our family doctor and we thought the request had been properly addressed, but reality did put us back with 2 feet on the ground. My daughter A. has 2 warts, 1 on the flat of her hand and 1 on the inside of her foot. The 1 on her hand is the most inconvenient since she is into indoor and outdoor rock climbing. So at the beginning of this summer we decided to visit our family doctor and ask for a referral to visit the hospital to remove the warts with liquid nitrogen. That way she had all summer to enjoy rock climbing and practise for the champions in September.


My only reference to removing warts with liquid nitrogen is the procedure how it’s done in The Netherlands. One goes to the family doctor, he/she investigate and then an appointment is made at the nurse/assistant of that doctor and he/she will remove the warts. Small children, meaning kindergarten age, are given medication. This is done due to the feel on the skin of this burning off of the warts. Small children may move their body out of fear and healthy skin may be burned/affected. Most family doctors who work together with a few other doctors have this special consultation time for removing warts every month.


These were my memories that popped up when we decided to remove the warts. Here in Italy we went to our family doctor who is always alone, he doesn’t have any nurse nor assistent and only investigate and send you to a specialist. Our family doctor agreed upon removing the warts with liquid nitrogen and wrote us a referral to visit a dermatologist in a nearby hospital. When we tried to make an appointment we were told that it couldn’t be before the end of August. That on itself was kind of a bummer, since we anticipated by addressing this issue before summer started. We got over this point and accepted an appointment for August and I was sure we made an appointment to remove the warts with liquid nitrogen.


Yesterday my partner P. and daughter A. went to the hospital, bought a ticket. This ticket had gone €8.50 up in price within a year. They waited in the waiting room and expected to see this dermatologist I had visited before since she is one of our family doctors favorites, he sees her as highly qualified and using common sense before medicating. When it was their turn, this dermatologist who they were expecting was replaced by another due to holidays. This dermatologist looked at the warts and at A. and said right away that she was going for the small children treatment. She wasn’t making friends with A. who is 14 years old. Within that statement of the dermatologist liquid nitrogen was off the table.


P. and A. were a bit confused since they were getting all kind of weird suggestions from this doctor to make the warts go away. We had to buy silk bandages put it on the warts with a little snip in it above the wart. Then put an acid tablet on top of it and again bandages to keep it in place. She strongly advised not to follow the instructions on the leaflet that said to remove it during the night and not expose the skin too long to the acid. She suggested to use the tablet 24/7. Then she concluded that A. her immune system was absolute below zero since she has 2 warts. A. must be under stress and this was undermining her immune system and A. had to take a 2 months cure to strengthen her immune system ( to my information, warts are indicating anger and the outflow could be stress). She firstly suggested  the best medication around €80 and then the least working one for around €60. Then she stated that since we as a family live together we would too be affected with this wart virus, even if we didn’t have warts at the moment, it would be in our blood stream. She didn’t say that the 4 of us should all use a €80 cure, but she tried to plant a seed of fear.


When P. and A. came home quite disillusioned, I said: today we met the face of BIG PHARMA. This doctor was simply going through a list to make sure that she was manipulating us into the direction of spending the most money on medication. Here in Italy a doctor and especially a specialist are placed on a pedestal and one does not question their opinion. You might visit another doctor for a second opinion, but if he/she states the same it must be the truth. Also medication is quite important here, leaving a doctor after consulting him/her without medication turns, in general, that doctor into an inadequate doctor. BIG PHARMA has got it’s fat fingers deep into Italy. Toddlers in general have had at least 4 anti-biotic cures before going to school. Cortisone is given like Italian ice-cream and most Italians have a distorted immune system due to over medication and the stress how to pay for all of this without taking a loan.


Looking at the profession of a doctor and the opinion of a lot of people that doctors should earn more than let say an electrician is to me quite an abusive opinion. How can the fact being a doctor be seen as more than being an electrician or any other profession for that matter. A doctor is simply going through list of symptoms and if you have a few symptoms met you’re labeled with a disease and are accordingly medicated. Who is making these lists in the first place? I suggest: follow the money. Of course there are doctors out their that do use common sense and do treat the underlying symptoms, but those are rare and not the rich ones. Doctors are doing night shifts, but so do may other professions. The responsibility of a doctor is bigger, people say, but lets say the electrician fucks up the emergency generator and a hospital is having a power failure, the consequences are probably bigger than operating 1 persons wrong leg. So there is no being more responsible and therefore being more paid. Looking at professions from this point of view, we Destonians suggest an Equal Money System where we all make the same amount of money for all professions. Only those that want to contribute as being a doctor will do so. There will be no longer something to gain from this profession such as money or status. When disease research is done in the best interest of all, a lot of diseases will be resolved/removed and therefore no longer exist. Which means less need for doctors in general.


The miracle of multiplying bread and fish 14/08/2011

A few days ago I asked my parents to stay over for dinner. They always visit us a few weeks in summer and stay with their trailer at a nearby camping site. It’s summer now and they are here. So I had taken 6 trout out of the freezer to thaw and to be able to serve the fish that evening. On my way from the freezer in the garage to the kitchen I passed by my father and showed him the fish, he commented with, nice ones. Just before I was about to make dinner, my dad found out that he was staying for dinner. He had missed out on the fact that we already that morning had decided upon eating together. So my partner P. asked him why we would take out 6 fishes if only me and P. were going to eat it? Of course he didn’t know and he didn’t bothered either, he was going to eat fish and that was a pleasant surprise. As a 72 year old system who doesn’t know how to really handle the situation he spitted out a bible line, with the word fish as trigger point. He said, Jesus multiplied 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and went on with what he was doing.


Later I looked back and had a closer look at the miracle of multiplying bread and fish, that Jesus performed. The text that I read spoke about 5000 people that had to be fed and there was only one boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. The men who were with Jesus saw only a boy with little food and a big mass that needed to be fed. Jesus looked at the 1 boy with food and saw food. That’s the whole point of the story, are you seeing food that belongs to a few or are you seeing food that should be accessible for everyone. Food is food even when it belongs to a select part of the world population, it’s still food and enough to feed the whole world.


It’s a common opinion people have when discussing food and famine. People think there isn’t enough food globally to feed all mouths. But is it really? Just have a look at how much food people, in the rich and fortunate parts of the world, throw away. Look at how much the supermarkets already throw away. Look at how much food is thrown away on the vegetable auctions. The food is there, but we’re unable to use it, because it was fated to be thrown away. Isn’t that a fuck up, knowing how many people suffer and die daily of malnutrition?


Don’t get me wrong when I say we throw away and waste our food that I suggest to take this food to a third world county and feed the people. I’m saying, if we only would take our fair share and eat only that what is sustaining the body we wouldn’t eat or waste other peoples food. So that would mean equalizing the food and food production. That way all people can be fed.


If we on top of that also made the soil in more countries fertile and ready to produce vegetables and fruit we wouldn’t have the problems and costs of transport so much. Some countries would not produce much, because the climat and the soil are making it imposible. That’s no problem since other countries who have a lot of produce could share it. When this would happen in an Equal Money System the issue of how much such an action would cost, would be irrelevant. Therefore the statement that there isn’t enough food isn’t valid, it’s simply a statement of egoism and showing others that they do not want to share the basic needs with each other.


As Jesus already stated, there is food, enough food. We only have to see it, seeing beyond our opinions.


When hate becomes you 07/08/2011

Everybody knows this feeling of being disgusted by a person or the persons behavior or even by a message this person promotes. Some of us will express this feeling of disgust in a strong way and will say, I hate this person or I hate this group of people. For most of us this whole experience ends here and only when we are confronted or reminded of this feeling of disgust we feel hate emerging, but we suppress it and do not act upon it. There are people who cannot break lose from this feeling of hate, it occupies them day and night and they will search for people who share this feeling of hate with them or they will convince others of their point and stimulate those to join them and start hating. At this point these people are possessed by the feeling of hate and this feeling is fueling them with energy while the whole experience of hate becomes like an addiction.

When we are possessed by a feeling or fear we are not here in the physical, instead we are in the mind, living out our fantasy life to escape reality. Therefore we cannot see and we will not see how we are harming our environment and persons in particular with our behavior. A behavior that is only based in self-interest and only aiming on getting this energy to which we’re addicted. We do not see that the feeling of hate which is directing us, is reflecting the status quo inside ourselves.

If people who have extensive hate feelings and reactions towards others only would look inside themselves in self-honesty. Which means skipping the lies we tell ourselves to deceive ourselves, then we could see that the hate, the reaction is communicating with us about ourselves. We will not see how disgusted we are with ourselves to this point that we hate ourselves, no we rather accuse others of the very thing we hate ourselves for. Too scared to face ourselves. We’re fearing ourselves, we’re our worst nightmare and yet we try to blame others for it.

We go even as far as thinking up justifications why we are entitled to hate these others. There are the ones that do not get enough energy out of only hating, no, they pimp themselves up to a hero status, the savior of all saviors. They convince people that they have to slander and ridicule other people they hate. All this in order to show or convince their “hate homies” that this is the way to save this people from whatever they have made up, just to make their point. The whole point why they started hating in the first place is completely lost out of sight at this point. They’ve become hate, the physical manifestation of hate acting and taking over.

In school we call these people bullies and later on in life when they participate within a working environment they are labeled as sociopaths. It is not new and hate is not new at all, it always existed. What is new is the fact that hate in our current world is not the same as hate in the old days. Where people before got possessed by demons and acted out their points of hate by being the host for these demons. Nowadays demons are created by ourselves through extensive feelings such as hate and fear. Which means that we are now possessed by ourselves and totally aware of what we do.

Being aware of what we do to others and our environment makes these acts of hate even more evil than before. They know what they are doing and they’re doing it on purpose. So they rather slander or harm another person than being a grown up who is taking responsibility for that what they’ve created inside themselves. In other words haters/bullyers/trolls are people who fear themselves so extensively that they cannot look inside and cannot work with the point that is causing all of this.

I’ve lately been subject to the slander of Desteni-haters. This kind of haters is so transparant that even a child can see that they have extensive problems with themselves. They are disgusted by the Desteni message in such a huge way that they hate everybody who is connected to it. Due to the unwillingness to look inside themselves and lack of asking themselves questions. Questions such as, why am I reacting so strong to the Desteni message? When people normally disagree with each other they do not necessarily get possessed by it, no they simply move on. The Desteni message says, act in the best interest of all, be your brothers keeper, do not do onto another that what you do not wish to be done onto you.  When we look at the message then we can see that anyone who hates this message, obvious hates themselves and life in general. What does that make such an person? An abuser, an abuser of life. These abusers see themselves as less than life and do anything to make them feel more than life in order to no longer feel the disgust for themselves and therefore point their hate outwards. So haters are pretending they are more than others and have the privilege to do whatever they please, but they now they feel themselves as the lowest thing on earth.

Quite sad these kind of people, it only takes them one breath to decide they no longer have to hate in order to feel alive. They have to claim back life and understand that equality and oneness isn’t against them, but giving them the change to choose for life instead of fighting life and therefore themselves. It’s never too late to join the Desteni I process, where one learns how to master self-will, self-direction, self-honesty, self-responsibility and how to correct oneself in order to live life the fullest at the same time with all living beings on earth. Intimidating a Destonian is pointless, since a Destonian does face their fears and does understand his/her actions.


Blood and screaming sucked me back into a memory 31/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.


Pictures withholding me from living within reality 14/07/2011

My partner P. checked the weather forecast and today will be the hottest day in a row of heat waves. The forecast is 38 degrees Celsius ( 100.4 F ) in the shade. Together we decided to head for the river, a half hour drive from our home. For about a week we are having heat waves now.  The last couple of days the heat is causing problems for our computers. Cooling down with ice packs does help a bit, but not on an old laptop which has to perform at editing videos. So I’ve mostly been working early in the morning and late at night. The house has no airco, therefore the only way to deal with it is escaping the house at the hottest moment of the day.


When we arrived at the road above the river, there were yet no cars parked, only 2 scooters. P. and I reacted with: “GREAT !”, on which our son J. said: “why is it always so great when there are not too many people?” Good question and good observation. P. and I are both not attracted to the big masses. Enjoying ones day at the beach or river like sardines packed in a tin, isn’t our idea of outdoor fun. That’s exactly why we didn’t decide to go to the beach today, but instead going to the river.


What is running in the background for me is the way I perceive this spot at the river. To me it’s kind of a secret spot that not too many people know and I see it as an idyllic place. So when the rocks along the river are packed with people, the picture of my physical reality contradicts my mind definition of the place. This gives friction and feelings of something isn’t okay, while it’s bullshit and common sense that at hot days also the river is packed with people. So my experience of myself here depends on pictures and definitions and isn’t one of stability yet. This way of thinking is even a mind fuck to the extent that it’s limiting myself to really fully enjoy myself in the cold waterfalls, rock basins and the water slides. There is this little track where one can go along with the stream over the rocks like the water slides in water parks.


Funny how I do not describe the water slide in the first person here. I never took the slide so I do not speak from a point of experience. P. and the kids love the slide. My excuses are: the water is too cold, I’m not really the swimming type and the stream goes too fast. Within the sentence “I’m not really the swimming type” I see that I still live within personality, because if I’m not a swimmer what am I instead? Someone who likes to sit at the sea or river side, thinking that she actually enjoys being there. But in fact when I look in self-honesty inside myself, I see that this definition of myself is the same time a limitation of myself. Therefore not really a moment of enjoyment and not at all as being in nature, with nature and as nature.


The fast streams give me this sense of fear, the fear of losing control, going too fast and not being able to get out of the situation. On the other hand I never took this water ride so all of this is in fact mind babble and not tested within the physical reality. While I’m writing this on paper I’m at the river. I’ll see if I will allow myself to be directed by this fear over the day.


Since temperatures are rising to 41 degrees Celsius ( 105.8 F ) in the shade, I decided to give it a shot and go into the ice cold water. The kids took me to a nice rock basin, but I first noticed a resistance already by leaving our spot and walking through the people masses to the basin. I didn’t feel confident enough to walk around in my bikini through the masses of people. My son J. said to my daughter A., mom has difficulties with showing her body in public. Yes, that was the nail on the head. But I kept breathing fully aware of what my mind was pulling off and staying in the physical. Seeing that everybody was bothering it’s own business, made me realize that I wasn’t that much in the spot lights as I imagined myself to be. Making a big deal out of walking in my bikini would merely be a mind fuck.


So off we went to the little rock basin. I took some time to let my body get used to the cold water and then we jumped in. The kids said that it was best to first take a dive in the basin and get used to the water temperature before taking the water slide track. Also here I noticed resistance towards jumping into deep parts of water, I prefer some steady ground underneath my feet. Again a point of control. Then we went off to the water slide and indeed it was fun and it was not that difficult to stop myself before going down on the next waterfall. Strange enough I expected resistances at this point of taking the slide, but there weren’t any. During the day we took several times the water slide to keep ourselves refreshed.


So the physical reality told me exactly what it was to pay attention to and the mind babble only intensified the fears within me. Therefore no more fears before trying things out in the physical reality. Which should mean a life full of dares ahead in common sense and fastening my seat bells.


The reason why I started writing this story is the fact that I’m seeing this place as an idyllic, totally natural outing of nature. While this perception is based in pictures. By taking this spot as total natural with clear, pure mountain water, I was merely following the picture in my mind. Last year we found out that this river, more down stream, had been polluted with the dumping of toxic waste. No one could see a difference by looking at the water, only when people spotted  lots of death fish and alarmed the right agencies who tested the water they found out what was going on. Therefore we have to question ourselves if we perceive reality through mind processes such as pictures or if we are in the physical and seeing what is really here.


Most people live within their pictures and definitions, which makes us incapable of looking beyond the so called beautiful picture. We even do not like it when others tell us how fucked-up reality really is. It simply contradicts our make belief experience of reality. I’m within a process of seeing more and more what is really here. The picture presentation I presented myself till today was still a point where I was holding onto a make belief world.


Time to get real, which doesn’t mean to fear the world or not trusting it. Simply following the money to see where certain pictures of the mind are in discrepancy with reality. As long as we keep ourselves within a make belief world, nothing will change due to our inactive behavior. The world though does change, because while we are enjoying our make belief movie, things are turning really ugly. Denying it, will not make it go away. It won’t go away.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that its better to spend a day at the river with not too many people there.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel special and therefore wanting a special place almost alone for me.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated by the fact that more people go to the river and spoil my picture and idea about a secret place all alone for me.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by wanting to be alone at the river, not understanding that there is no me and them within the physical.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being packed like sardines is something bad to such an extent that I want to separate myself from it. While not seeing that this equals separating me from myself.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a definition of specialness to the spot along the river and in doing so making me special for being there.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel friction when my mind pictures do mot match reality.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself by pictures  and personality instead of being stable here in every breath.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through building a false reality based on pictures.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself here in every breath at the river side due to pictures and limitations of the mind. While understanding that it takes only 1 breath to direct myself and see what is here.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being the swimming type.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within personality.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control based on ideas and no real time experiences.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with no real time experiences.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about my body image when walking through masses of people in a bikini.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the centre of the world and imagining all people looking and staring at me when I pass by.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will be shocked by seeing my almost naked body while I’m not considering the fact that people look at my bald head.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear jumping into a deep water basin and losing control.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lose control when jumping in a water basin where I cannot get my feet on the ground.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the water slide based on mind projections.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my mind pictures than reality, in an attempt to live in a world that has still beautiful places and is  exactly that what I see through my mind.


When and as I see myself participating within a point of experiencing myself and my world through mind pictures and beliefs.  I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by doing so I separate myself from reality and myself. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the fear to live within the physical reality -and participate equally.