Sylvia's writing to freedom

The double face of the Italian “mama” 28/05/2011

While chatting with my daughter A. in the garden, I shared a story with her about our next door girl. I watched an abusive event a couple of days ago. The window of my studio overlooks the garden and the front door of my neighbors. This event is a story out of many that I witnessed during my stay in Italy over the last 5 years. The vicious face of “la mama” within families and parenting in general within traditional Italian society. Maybe one has to be an out stander of Italian tradition and upbringing to see and point out when discipline and parental love are nothing more than abuse.

I looked up while working in my studio, when I heard the click of the front door of my neighbor’s house. My neighbor left the house, seemingly hasty, with a letter and car keys in her hands. While this tall skinny lady swirled like a light feather down her stairs, the front door closed with a bang. She turned around and fire was coming from her eyes. She went up the stairs again, however this time she climbed it in a rude and male way. With one turn of the key she opened the front door on a crack and screamed through the crack at her daughter. The 11 year old daughter and only child, was alone in the house.The mom, my neighbor, yelled at her child that she wasn’t allowed to slam the door. The rest of the screaming I wasn’t able to decode, but it was certainly not a nice chat between mother and daughter. My neighbor closed softly the front door again and left the house on her way to her car. Through the small, but tall window next to the front door, I saw the little girl standing with her head down and arms hanging beside her body, attached to the glass for several minutes. Eventually she moved herself back into the living room. These rage attacks of her mom are common and sometimes more than one at a day. To me this is abuse, for Italians in general this is normal life. The “mama” is the boss within the house and rules with a firm hand, no one is allowed to argue with that.

I asked A. for her perspective on this event and she confirmed that this is indeed “normal” behaviour for our neighbor. Where my other neighbor, a lady from Albania, goes into possessive anger, the anger of the Italian “mama” has always been in this vicious way. So in fact nothing new, although within the light of our current world, possession is only 1 step further. 1 Back chat too much and Italian “mama’s” are feed for journalists and tv-shows. Even murder is only 1 back chat away. Abusing your child and emotionally scarfing them for life is unacceptable. What living example are you as a mother when you rule with the tool of fear? How can we expect these girls to be different from their mothers when their only experience is one of being hit and yelled at? When is Italy going to step out of their traditions that clearly do more harm than good?

Then A. told me about last Sunday when she went rock climbing with 2 girls and their dad. She had not yet spoken about it. When I asked how the climbing had been she only told me about her climbing results. The dad of the girls had been quite abusive in his language towards the daughters. He presumed them as lazy and bad climbers, while they’re absolutely not. Climbing is this dad’s passion and how such things go within families, the children are exposed to it and join in. These girls are teenagers and it wouldn’t be a surprise if they rather stay in bed than hanging from a cliff at 8:30 on Sunday morning. The attitude of this man towards his daughters had left such an impression on A. that she had tears in her eyes while speaking about it. How can a dad be so mean, she asked. Frustration I said, this dad wants his kids to be even better than than he is. It’s only an idea, a picture in his mind and when reality does not meet with his fantasy he gets pissed. And being pissed at his kids as an Italian dad seems to us like abuse. I even dare to say that it is abuse, because the equality equation cannot be made within most of these kind of incidents.

When you look at the reactions of Italian kids you know that it is abuse. I once saw pure fear in the eyes of a girlfriend of A. She and A. had been playing outside in the rain and were completely wet. To me no problem, change clothes and the issue is solved. This girl however feared the hands of her mother so much that she went into a total panic attack. She could reassure us that she was going to be hit by her mom for being wet and even a little bit dirty. At first we couldn’t believe her, but it didn’t take long for us to find out that it was exactly as the girl had told us.

Recently I read some stories written by an Italian lady where she tells how her mother would hit her in the face. At home or in front of people and only to release her frustrations. She pointed it out as typical Italian behaviour, for a mom it’s her right to do so. Maybe this behaviour occurs also in other Southern European countries or Latin countries that have a matriarch system. I have no idea, my experience is within the Italian culture and that’s my only starting point for sharing these stories.

For me this point of aggressive verbal and physical abuse is quite a difficult point to cope with. I simply cannot allow or accept any form of abuse, though when this point is discussed the players of the game do not understand what I’m talking about. That’s how it is and that’s how we do it, they say. It’s the always the same and repeating answer on my question. Abusive behaviour by parents isn’t exclusively for Italians, but Italian culture allows abuse to be in their midst. Humanity will not be killed by mysterious elite groups, humanity will distinct by their own doing if they do not change. Denying abuse for what it is, is denying our own dark side, which doesn’t make it go away. Abuse is abuse and therefore unacceptable.

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Reality check 27/01/2011

This morning I had an appointment scheduled with the Jehovah Witnesses. I had to do a paper model fitting for the dress of R. Wednesday is also the day that I clean my house, so while mopping the floor I was playing out all kinds of scenario’s in my mind. Last week I had quite a discussion with them and a reality check with myself. A reality check because even when someone is approaching me with abusive, possessive behaviour I’m still the one who decides to react on that person and I’m the one that needs to find out what this other being triggered inside of me, which constructs were ready to play along.

While cleaning the house further I noticed how useless my efforts were to keep already in advance control over the situation. I simply had to check my standing in reality. So I said STOP to myself for this fountain of pictures and words that were only future projections which can easily become present manifestations. The thing is, when I’m in my mind precooking the event, I’m on top of the conversation and I’ll always win so to speak. After saying STOP the pictures and words disappeared and I was cleaning again.

When they arrived they specifically asked if they were allowed to come in, they did the “I’m so humble act” and the moment they were in my house they acted as usual. I had made the statement, after our last encounter, to not discuss religious matters with them anymore. Also discussing issues where we have/use different definitions are a “no go area”. They started talking about the world of today and I saw their brainwashing. All Jehovah’s must have had a training in which they learn to bring every theme or issue back to Jehova. F. opened “the box of Jehova” and I panicked a little of what to do now and I choose to ignore it and to go on with the conversation. It worked! I was surprised, I was really surprised.

We discussed Tunisia and R. stated that it was the peoples right to rob the elite who had everything unlike the ordinary residents. It was all so unfair. So I asked R. how fair it is that she has a house with all necessary commodities, food and health care while people in third world countries do not have those basics at all. If it is okay for them to come and take R’s “stuff”, because it’s all so unfair. R. stated that it wasn’t unfair for her to have her basics covered, and then she didn’t make the connection to others who do not have their basics covered. It looked almost like a wiring problem. So when people see what happens in the world on their tv, it’s more or less the same as watching a movie. There isn’t a reality check what so ever. Their life’s are separate from the life’s of the rich and the poor elsewhere. The reason that we have more, because others have less doesn’t even occur within most of our imaginations. As a child we understand that when we share a bag of candies with our friend and he takes 2/3 than we get only 1/3. We feel shitty because we know he took more than his fair share and he feels shitty because he took more then his fair share and is afraid you’re going to get your part. Isn’t that the same as the looting in Tunisia, yet when we’re not physically being exposed to this equation ourselves it’s only SF to us?

In a way a nice discussion and again revealing the true nature of men, but I did it again! A big reality check, I went again in a discussion with them and we were not clear on the word “unfair”, so it was a “no go area”. For R. it’s normal that she lives comfortable and that the third world countries exist. To me it’s the candy equation and something I can not allow and accept. I reacted on the fact that she is not willing to see how she, and for that matter we, are the reason why unfairness exists in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself on words that the Jehovah’s and I have different definitions about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that they are not willing to see that we are the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel panic instead of standing, which indicates that I’m not stable within this point yet.

 

From reacting to equality 13/01/2011

Tonight I worked together with my Partner P. on his blog. After not yet having answered the first e-mail P. received an extensive second e-mail from his brother yesterday. P. read it, we read it and the kids listened to it on their request. P. and I , we both had reactions, but we let it sink in to work with it later. That night in bed P. told me that he had quite some emotions and feelings to the presented information in the e-mail of his brother. I told him that he had to write about it to get a clear vision on what it is that’s bothering him. Today I realized that I should be more supportive for him than only telling him what to do. I need to be equal to him and work with him on the issues he has right now, I can’t let him do it all by himself and then commenting on it. When P. came home tonight I suggested to work together on the e-mail and to assist and support him in finding out why he has certain reactions and then in a later stage dig deeper.

 

While working together I realised that my extensive work through the SRA course has given me an advance on P. In fact this wasn’t a point of unequally or separation, just a cool point to help and push P. a little bit further then he would have done when dealing with it alone. Knowing that there is always more underneath the issue one is dealing with. We took baby steps, but it sure is a beginning. Sometimes when P. couldn’t reach out for the point he was looking for or dealing with and where I had an idea what it was all about, I searched within myself for a memory of events that explained the emotion or feeling we were possibly dealing with. Sometimes there was a connection and sometimes there wasn’t. Also this is a cool point to realize that we can only see things through our own eyes and in working together we search for memories/feelings/emotions to relate to each other and bring about a 1+1= 2 equation.

 

Within 15 years of marriage we have been talking things through extensively. Looking back on it now I can see the difference when you do it from the starting point of self-honesty and not to feed your ego to generate energy. This wasn’t the first conversation in this way, but it was the first time helping each other equally within self-honesty, instead of only reacting in self-honesty to each other. Communication without wanting something from the other, other than in the best interest for all. While P. worked through his points I worked through mine. Where this e-mail first was a point of changing my reality through emotions and feelings it’s now an e-mail and a point of few of someone who didn’t use the equality equation nor common sense. I’m no longer judging him for it or blame him for our twisted relationship. I will take responsibility for all my reactions and use that to see where still my ego rules.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for his opinions, instead of looking inside what my reactions are telling me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my ego and feel attacked on my personality when someone speaks his mind about me through another person while I know this isn’t true.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling less than the presented information and therefore wanting to take revenge on the writer to feel more than the presented information. While I know that equality can never be reached by participating within a polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsupportive towards P. last night.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not seeing me according to my picture of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated while not being able to communicate effective with P.’s family.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim of miscommunication and blaming myself for not being able to be effective enough.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge or blame my brother-in-law for our twisted relationship.

 

 

Jealousy 10/12/2010

I finally addressed a point today that had to be addressed. A point of which I was so ashamed that I just closed my eyes and started hoping in a almost possessed way that it miraculously would disappear. I did some superficial self forgiveness, but also that isn’t going to do the trick. I felt this  fear to write about it and publish it on my blog so it would be out there for the public. Around noon today when I was in my car to pick up my son from school I had 16 minutes to sort myself out and do self forgiveness. It was now or never so to speak, I gave myself an ultimatum to sort myself out. Also other points came up which made it a sort of spring cleaning.

The point I had to address was a point of jealousy of which I always thought I didn’t had any form of. One of the first assignments within the SRA course was giving examples about my jealousy. I almost felt like I had to invent my jealousy. When I look back and even looking back to yesterday I didn’t want to be a jealousy person. To me a  jealous person was an equivalent to a bad person. I don’t want to be a bad person, but I know that it’s not all sunshine inside of me. I deliberately looked away from my evil side all my life and that in itself is evil.

I started to recognize this point as a point of jealousy when I saw that it wasn’t all about being insecure or wanting to be original. Every time when I saw somebody write or make a video about a topic I had done I felt restless. I started to look at the amount of rates or views that this person got and started investigating what they had done different from what I had done. I called it common sense, but I was justifying my point of jealousy. This point was keeping me in its grip, possessed me. I forgave myself, as I said superficial and for a while it disappeared under the surface. The next moment an identical point arrived this possession came back in an even more heavy way. The moment I hardly could see the work of Desteni members I knew I had to act. I told myself that it was so stupid and destructive to feel sick about others who address the same points as I did. Together we stand and the more the same topic is discussed and shown on the internet the more impact it has, but I was already so much taken by this possession that I couldn’t live the common sensical words I was producing. It had to stop, this is how my world and due to that how the world is turning out the way it is. One big confusion in which nobody takes his/her responsibility. I can’t participate within jealousy and I won’t allow myself to do so. Therefore I did quite some self forgiveness out loud in my car, maybe I missed some points. That’s okay, I can deal with these when they appear.

Then I asked myself where this point of jealousy was based in? In the end I do want to feel special, but at the same time I’m disgusted by specialness. So that’s a polarity in which I participate. I grew up, as everybody in a world wherein it is important to be original, being original is just a coping mechanism to survive. Insecurity of my own ability which is a fuck up and a polarity. I feel less, but by participating within jealousy I feel more/special. So of course the point of jealousy is in no way valid and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t pass the equality equation so it must be amortized. No participation what so ever!

It wasn’t that difficult to write about it, the fear to be exposed as a good person isn’t valid either. We all have feelings of jealousy one way or the other. It makes me the same as everybody and by denying my feelings of jealousy I separate myself from everybody.

So only a few self forgivenesses which I hadn’t covered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting and writing about this point of jealousy on others, who try to work together and do not try to boycot me or to promote separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of feeling special and not wanting to be seen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not survive if I’m not original.

 

I was pissed 06/11/2010

Yesterday evening the phone rang and a friend of my partner P. called.  From what I heard, the conversation was about hiking. When P. hang up he didn’t say anything and went on doing his things. Normally he tells what it is all about. When we went to bed I asked him if he was going to hike the next day. He wasn’t sure yet, he said.

This morning P. brought the kids to school and did the last groceries for the weekend. When he came back he started preparing his back pack, which he normally takes with him when he goes hiking. So I asked if he had made up his mind and if he was going to hike. He wasn’t yet sure he told me. I felt energy going around inside my body and I started to be aware of the fact that the energy was already accumulating since last night.

I was working behind my sewing machines for the wife of this friend of P. and he told me that this friend T. and his wife J. wanted to go hiking together with a Dutch friend of them who is staying with them. So you’re going then, I asked. Yes I’m going said P. I said to him:” I just want to know if I have to collect the kids from school and cook lunch at the same time or if you collect the kids”. I’m back in time P. said to get the kids. I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. I laid a blueprint of other memories on top of this event, where P. wasn’t back in time to collect the kids and when I had to drive to school at the last minute. I was getting worked up and making everything into something difficult. The underlining issue here was the fact that I was pissed they hadn’t asked me to join them hiking. I had to stay home and do the sewing and the cooking. I laid more memory blueprints on top of this event. I said to P. with a nice voice that I was surprised that T. and J. hadn’t asked me to join them. P. said: “normally you don’t want to come along with me and they always hear me talking about hiking”. Again I wasn’t satisfied. I do not have a really positive view on T. and J., they are together with P.working in a foundation at a voluntary basis and they claim P. for almost everything. They call him throughout the day and evening and I haven’t been feeling good about this. When I come to think of it, it’s like rivalry. When they claim P. I can’t claim P. Do I see here relationship energy, Sylvia?

So I was staying home feeling sorry for myself and did my sewing. Than around 11:30 my daughter A. called from school, she had a terrible headache and was feeling sick. She wanted me to pick her up earlier from school. So I went to the neighbouring city to collect A. While at the school, I asked if my son J. was also allowed to go home 1 hour earlier, because I had to come all the way from outside the city. I took both kids home, A. went straight to bed and I started cooking lunch. I was struggling with the thought if I should call P. to tell him that the kids are already home. If I call than he’s going to take it really easy and won’t be home for lunch so if I won’t tell him than he will be home for lunch for sure. Than it popped into my mind that it could be P. not even would bother to come inside the house before driving to school and pick up the kids. I felt like I wanted to punish him for maybe not coming home in time, but at the same time I saw how that could play out. P. going to school for nothing, spending petrol on a useless trip while our budget is tight. So I grab the phone and called him, but his phone was in an area with no signal. Again I was mad at him, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Just a second before P. had to collect the kids he called me back and I was glad I could tell him that the kids were already home. Really exhausting when I’m participating within these energy games, emotions and feelings.

When P. and I were doing our daily walk around the block, he told me how T. had asked him if I was still keeping my head bald or if I had a change of heart and let my hair grow back again. P. had said: “yes, she’s keeping her head bald”. P. had explained to him that I was standing for world equality and that’s not something one stands for and than a week later forget about it. T. is more a man of the middle road and he didn’t really understand why I should leave my head bald. I also remembered that T. isn’t really comfortable while being around me and my bald head, so that could have been a reason why they didn’t asked me to join them hiking.

The whole day I was keeping myself into this state of self pithiness. When P. threw a peace of young just chopped wood on the stove, before he went into the vegetable garden, and didn’t communicate this with me or the kids. I was mad at him again. “Why aren’t you communicating with me”: I said. If he had shared this information I could have acted upon it and than the fire wouldn’t had gone out. I didn’t even think about my own responsibility. Than P. reminded me of the laundry that was still hanging outside, he asked if I could take it inside. And than the bomb exploded, I was so fed up with him. I started coughing and went into a hyperventilation attack. I directed myself and went outside to get the laundry inside while doing the 4 count breathing. Within seconds the attack went away. Than I decided to stop right there in that moment with all the bullshit I had been participated in today. I did self forgiveness out loud.

Tomorrow must be another day without all these feeding of energy. If I keep doing things this way, process is going to be a though path. I know when I’m participating within these energies, I’m fully aware, therefore I need to take my responsibility for all my actions and all my words, spoken or in thoughts. I need to do the equality equation at all times and change me within the moment and breath.