Sylvia's writing to freedom

Multitasking or not? 11/05/2011

It’s already my third or fourth blog on this subject, however the point is opening up now and revealing more of its origin. It’s the point of learning Italian. I really wanted to start with translating English into Italian, but I have to realise that it was a desire that blew myself back into reality. I’m simply not ready to translate without totally being corrected afterwards. The idea I had formed was tempting, I figured that through translating the language of equality I would become able to write and speak the equality language in Italian. Just immediately skipping the unequal words so I won’t have to deal with so much word definitions as I would have by learning the language as it is within daily life society.

I noticed again that I didn’t progress with my understanding or speaking of the Italian language. One day I sat in the car and decided to trace the heavy feeling that accompanied my lack of progress. The word laziness popped up right away, I was surprised, within my perception I’ve been working and trying real hard to master  the language. That’s in fact so true, I’ve been moving myself as if I walked through a swamp. Heavy and almost too much effort to enjoy it any longer. I felt resistance and didn’t recognize that it was me holding me back.

I also felt ashamed for being lazy. There are so many things I put lots of effort in and those things succeed, progress. So if I’m lazy on this point that means that I do not take fully my responsibility. Ouch, that hurts, not fully taking my responsibility means that also ego is interfering within this point. Mmmm, I wasn’t expecting to find ego within this point of struggling to master a new language. So I’m not fully taking my responsibility while swimming up the mud flows and not getting any further. I must have known that there was something smelling fishy.

Then I read a chat with Bernard and saw his words saying that one cannot study and absorb information while having a back chat about it. This was just the nail on his head. Not that I was yet fully admitting it to myself, but I had noticed that I had a hard time absorbing the materials in order to learn the language. Bernard’s words meant that we cannot do 2 things at the time and when we have a back chat running then all is inferior to that. So when the back chat is running there is no ability to learn the Italian language.

Therefore I had to look into my back chat, what kind of back chat do I have about the Italian language. Wow, I’d better not ask myself, because that was the mud flow I was swimming against. My back chat was the following: Why should I learn a language when I have to talk bullshit and weather talk with people I do not want to talk with in the first place. Why should I learn the language of a country that has an asshole like Berlusconi in power, a population that puts the pope and television above common sense, a nation that is fucked up within religion and tradition. Do I want to compromise myself with such a country by learning and speaking the language of fascists?

So I have extensive back chat about the language and criticism about the nation and population, yet I do want to live in Italy and enjoy living in a small town in Central Italy. That’s quite dishonest to say the least and really something to tackle. If Italian society is making me puke, where do I need to go and find a country to live where the principle of what’s best for all is already applied for 100%? I better get the hell on with learning the language to become effective and able to be part of the change. The change that no matter what, will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boycot myself by preferring to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to speak and write the Italian language in such an extent that I can be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest and not really wanting to learn the language for spiteful reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards Italians and Italy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully take my responsibility when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and lazy and not wanting to see that it’s the back chat I’m dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego have a say in learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my laziness when it comes to learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the back chat about the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak/write equality Italian.

Advertisements
 

Hot chocolate and a nice fire in the fireplace 03/03/2011

Last night it started snowing again and it snowed throughout the night. This morning when I woke up the whole world was white, covered in wet, heavy and sticky snow. My partner P. and I had to do our groceries so we took the car and went to the next town. The road was far more clean then we had expected, we even drove behind a tractor that was cleaning the road.

I looked outside while sitting in the car and watched this winter landscape. My associations with a snowy landscape are those of inconveniences. To most people this landscape appeals to the imagination and they experience it as romantic. They connect the landscape to for instance hot chocolate, skating, skiing, fire place and a feeling of comfort. For my son J. snow meant Christmas even if we not really celebrated Christmas.

So when people do see a snowy landscape they immediately step out of reality and hide themselves in all kind of memories and associations around snow. Thereafter they tell you how much they like snow and you are no longer talking to someone here in that moment, instead you talk to someone that  is entangled in all kind of past tense delusions.

When I watched the trees today, while looking outside the car, I didn’t see any romantic scenery. This kind of sticky snow is quite heavy on the branches of trees and shrubs. They are in a way fighting for their life or at least their health. When the snow get too heavy and the wind hasn’t been able to blow some of the snow off the branches will snap under the weight of the snow. That was what I saw many many branches snapped and still hanging half attached to the tree or shrubs. So the trees and shrubs have in a way open wounds within freezing weather, how could that in any way what so ever be romantic.

How come that we are so deluded that we can not even see what is really going on. Nature is struggling and crying out in pain and we gossip while sipping our hot choco. It’s really sick to an extent that we are so fucked up, not facing ourselves and not all taking responsibility that we turn off our head from reality and disappear within our mind. The bad news is that we not only treat trees and shrubs like shit we do it with all of creation including ourselves. Sick. Time to stand up and take responsibility, we have to, before our world collapse and diminish and we still celebrate the beauty of nature while spreading light and love to blind us till eternity.

 

Equality will arrive with or without you 27/02/2011

There are days on which I experience this heaviness, I do not say depression, but it comes close to it when trying to describe it. It’s a feeling of oh my God how did we end up like this, the world is entering this endless state of madness and where am I in all of this. How can we ever get out of this madness? On these days I experience this feeling when  participating within my little physical world and also when I enter cyberspace and participate on the world wide web. So many atrocities that flash by in front of my eyes and at the same time so many deluded and kind of drunk people who had way too much love elixer for the day. Sick that’s what we are, sick into every pore of our existence. This has to stop, we simply have to understand that this way it isn’t going to work out for all of us.

 

Where did it go wrong and where did I go wrong? Where did I accept and allow all this madness, where did I start to participate within this madness? Probably the moment I took my first breath into this reality on earth, its the sins of the fathers that equipped us with this feeling of heaviness. The cycle needs to be broken, the spell of the fathers, we need to start learning from our past. Understanding our past so we know where we went wrong and not falling for the same old mistakes over and over again. By all means no re-creating of our past. It took us a life time to get to the point where we are right now, therefore I cannot expect to undo this all within a breath. Step by step I can deconstruct myself from all the constructs that add up to who I am today and that’s the best I can do.

 

It took me almost 3 years to get to the point of being able to take a parcel from the postman today and be as neutral as possible. I saw the postman pull up his car on the drive way and walk up to my front door with 2 parcels in his hand. I openend the front door and accepted the mailed parcels. It’s my daughter A. her birthday so I looked at the senders name to see who had send it. It were 2 parcels from my in-laws, I noticed my body was making an attempt to get into this habit of being tense and anxious. While seeing what I was about to do I breathed and it went away as quick as it had come. Then my mind tried to backchat about the second hand wrapping paper that was around the biggest packet, but I watched the packet in my hand and it was just a packet, nothing more and nothing less. I called the kids who were upstairs to come down because of the mail.

 

My son J. started to speak in a manner as I used to speak when it concerned my in-laws and it shocked me to hear what came out of his mouth. At the same time I knew that it was me who taught him to speak in this manner by being his living example. I corrected him and told him that it was just a parcel from his grandparents and the fact that they hadn’t been too nice to us before, is just a memory that doesn’t say anything about the received parcel in this moment now, here. I saw that his system had a bit trouble to let go of his feelings of rejection towards his grandparents. I’ve recently been struggling and working on this point and I’m ready to take my responsibility within this family quarrel, my son hasn’t been through this process yet. I can’t blame him, I’m only witnessing the remains of my old self reflected in my son, the sins of the fathers.

 

This is only one moment out of my life where I was able to direct myself by self willed action. It takes a hell lot more actions to clear myself from all the build up bullshit in me and that’s only me. I’m only one dot in the matrix of all the people in this world and they all have to face themselves as I do, ready or not, reality will force itself upon them. Either they die or choose life, so you tell me what it is going to be? I’m correcting and changing myself out of the simple fact that changing the world starts with oneself. I don’t want to have a lot of these days with a heavy and depressed feeling. I will stand and take the bumpy road towards equality, only world equality will get us out of our shitty world. So simply hard work and understanding that no matter what equality will arrive with or without us humans. We see ourselves as these upper creatures, but I’m laughing my fucking ass off when I hear people say this. Who is this retarded that he isn’t seeing that we are the maggots and parasites of this world and not the other way around.

 

 

Contortionist 10/02/2011

Last night I wrote a blog about the unfair judgements and grades within the school system. The blog represented the event of going to school to collect my kids reports, the disfunction of the grading system and the disfunction of teachers. I wrote about how I react towards school related events now my kids are walking the school system, but I didn’t get to the point of who I am within this all. I rewrote the blog and still ended up with more of the same. So I clearly wasn’t ready in that moment to open up this point and to see what was underneath it. This morning I made a vlog about why I had been reacting in the first place and to investigate if it would make a difference, or if it would push me through this layer in which I was stuck, when I spoke the words out loud.

When speaking out loud I realised that it was anger what I felt. When I started kindergarten I tried a few ways, like standing beside my desk instead of sitting, to investigate how much space and freedom there was for me to be myself within the rules of the school system. I had quite a strong will, and in these days it was quite normal to experience breaking the will of a child as an educational tool, in order to get a good behaving child. It started already when I was born, I was given milk at certain times a day and not necessarily when I was hungry. The advise was to let babies cry and not react on it, the crying would go away and the end result a baby that wasn’t spoiled and wasn’t ruling the household. We are talking about babies here and not about terrorists. Well hey, that were the good old times. So at home there wasn’t much space for terrorism I tried to throw in some tantrums and also here my parents got the advise to break my will at this point and to put my head under the cold water tap to end it. I ended up with fear of water, but that was only collateral damage.

Within my first weeks school, I understood there was not such a thing as freedom at school. It felt like being bend into the wrong direction, when you practise a lot you will one day end up like a contortionist. A contortionist that can be bend in all directions except for the direction to Self. Over the years I kept trying to rebel in tiny little almost risk free things, but I ended always up at the same point as I started. So no freedom at school for me and this feeling of powerlessness accumulated over the years into a latent form of anger and was playing out in a polarity of good and bad. I was always a model student or was reaching towards it. All to cover up the anger, the powerless feeling of not being able to be me and stand as me as life.

When I started University I reacted strongly on teachers who judged me personally in what ever way based on zero information other then assumptions. It was as if my freedom for being the person that I had become, was brutally taken away from me. In essence they hurt my ego/identity that I had formed to cover up the latent anger in the previous years. In fact the judging, these teachers did, could have been an indication to me, as I had only knew, that I was judging myself for not standing as me in every moment and every breath. I knew that the only way to show myself, for what I thought that was me, was by fighting for it and going against the flow. I also knew unconscious that this fighting could take the lid of my anger and not knowing if I would transform into a terrorist. So I did nothing but suppressed. The day my daughter A. went to her first play group and came home disappointed that she hadn’t been taught how to read, my entire pattern reactivated again.

The strong reactions I have on the current school system and the pathetic behavior of the current teachers was a perfect cover up for my anger. I could lash out at others while I remained unaffected and that’s not the way I intend to do things according to the Desteni way of life. Within taking this whole point back to self I see that I no longer can accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern of angriness. There remains still the fact that the current school system isn’t bringing forth effective new humans who can build a better world. No we instead educate our children how to be mean, how to cheat, how to put a minimum effort in your study, how to identify yourself with fake identities, how to choose for further education based on outdated job opportunities etc.etc. So I will do my part within this pattern in order to work on better ways to offer education to our children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anger be the spokesman for my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Choosing the be the good because of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my anger for not being myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on judging from others towards me, the judging of my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not standing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my anger and instead choosing to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and not going with the flow, so in fact separating myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current school system to cover up my own issues and use it to allow myself to lash out on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself, my own world and my experience of myself-instead I diverted this self responsibility to the hands of manifestations separate from me because I didn’t allow myself to stand up for life as life as me of oneness and equality for all as one as equal. Veno

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience me. Veno

I am the directive principle of me

I am life

I am here

I am breath

I am standing

Till here no further: I am not my patterns

When I see myself participating within an energy pattern such as anger. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I am the directive force and will not be directed by an energy such as anger. I also realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

 

Searching for the key while it has always been in the door 07/02/2011

The last couple of days the weather has been like early spring weather. Big snow lumps at the side of the road are waiting to be melted away by the sun. Winter means cold to me, cold outside and cold inside. Today the temperature climbed to a 13 degrees Celsius, so not bad at all for a winter day. We live at the foot of the Black Mountain and shadow covers most of our garden in winter. Around 11 am the sun showed itself quite powerful in our garden, my partner P. and I had planned for a walk around noon, but P. had to work longer then aspected. Years ago I would also have stayed inside, but now I went outside on my own to simply sit in a chair enjoying the sun on my skin. I really enjoy the touch of the sun sun rays on my skin, much of my body was still covered, nevertheless this warmth fills my body and is a nice shift from the cold.

Around the age of 16 the moment that my female hormons ruled my body I suffered from decreased blood circulation which makes my fingers and toes go white and really cold. Another sees just white/blue fingers and the fingers nor toes do feel really cold to another. When my fingers are in this stage they feel numb and it’s hard to do any precise work with them. When I met P. it disappeared within a year and it came back here in Italy while living in several cold houses. As a New Ager I wondered what the deeper meaning of this all was. P. said that his love had cured me, but that sounded even as a New Ager ridiculous to me. Within common sense this suffering was simply Reynauds disease which occurs within the age range of 20 to 40 years. I started sooner and it stopped when I was  27. Then it started again around 39/40 due to severe cold experiences. So most likely when I avoid extreme colds it will go away. No mystical mumbo-jumbo here.

My cold experiences here in Italy I also tried to interpret in a New Age like way, since I was still into spirituality within my first year here. I never found an answer. Lately P. said to me that I experience, according to his point of view, the cold in an extreme way. So by force of habit I started digging what this feeling cold could mean or say to me. I dug inside of me till I came out at the other end and saw the light. Well the light didn’t help at all. I left the being cold issue untreated and went on with life. Till I went for a walk Saturday and while climbing up the mountain I felt my blood circulating and I became nice warm while walking in the snow. At that point I realised that I had been doing way too much thinking on the “feeling cold” point. It was just common sense, I needed to move around more within my day to let my blood circulate better. I normally are inside the house sitting or behind my sewing machine or my computer at a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius. No wonder that I was cold and no wonder the Reynauds disease came back. Again no mumbo-jumbo, just plain common sense. Reynauds disease is connected with emotional distress in women so that can be a point to chew on.

If it depends on me we can fire the winter, just bring on Spring. The four seasons are the one stable thing on planet earth and I want to play God and fire winter. That’s what we do as humanity, destroying stability and then begging for stability.I just did it in one single sentence, we’re evil and searching for mumbo-jumbo solutions outside ourselves while the key is still inside. Common sense, the equality equation and doing what is best for all. This can be done in every moment and every breath, but we prefer to hold in our breath and wait for answers from out of space. We are simply fucked if we don’t change or do something about it. I experienced how simply common sense without the influence of emotions and feelings can bring stability and isn’t that what we all eventually want for ourselves and our world?

 

I directed myself and not the situation 06/02/2011

It took me about 10 years to get at the point where I’m at today, not knowing if this is the final stage or if it needs more fine tuning. I tried it through manipulating, directing, being more than, spreading fear, apathy, but it all led back to more of the same status quo I was in. The reality I had co-created wasn’t meeting up to my expectations and desires. Big time future projecting within ignorance and playing out my mother-construct.

Since my daughter A. was able to help organize her toys after playing with it I taught her to be responsible for these belongings. Quite soon I was facing my reality of cleaning up after A., because she was too small or had no interest in cleaning up what so ever.   So I cleaned A.’s room every week and within an hour her room looked like there had been an explosion. I took it personal and ended up being frustrated and wasn’t to eager to start cleaning her room every week. I did so, but had to motivate myself in order to get it done. Then I came up with this capitalistic idea of offering A. a little amount of money when she cleaned up her room just before cleaning day. A plan that was to be doomed from the start since we learned A. that money wasn’t the highest form of happiness, the value of money represented within our world didn’t mean anything to her. I made up stories about dead and living insects in her room and initiated fear within A., this fear paralyzed her or wasn’t strong enough to act upon. I still do not know which of the two buttons I had pushed. At a certain point I felt that she was old enough and decided to give her the responsibility of cleaning up her room. Whenever the room was disentangled and the floor empty I would go in and vacuum and dust the room. This moment rarely arrived, maybe once in the 6 months. I pretended that it didn’t bother me as a mom or as a person. Obviously it did and I became quite apathetic to the whole situations and let it take it’s own path. I accepted and allowed this situation to continue and I wasn’t able to reach out to my child. I saw clearly that beside the mess in her room she also had a mess in her head which made life quite a challenge for her.

Now when I’m getting further in process I know that I can reach out to her, but only within equality. I saw one of Marlen’s video’s on how she had been able to clear this mess for herself, so I asked A. if she wanted to watch this video. She pertinently refused to watch this video. When possible I tried to open up this point together with A., but as long I was directing it, it didn’t work out. A few weeks ago I told A. that when she wanted to get rid of a lot of her fears and emotions she needs to clear her head and this can be done by physically  cleaning out the explosion of months in her room, she finally opened up and expressed that she resisted doing it all by herself. I told her that she only had to make an agreement with me and I would help her out organizing and clearing the fog. I was amazed but she asked me to help out, we scheduled yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s afternoon to get it done. I promised myself to not direct, manipulate or be more then A. I would take it within the moment breath by breath.

We went upstairs and I told A. that she was in charge of this mission and that we had to cooperate to get this done as equals. Normally I would announce my plans and order A. around as a mom. I said: “so where do we start what do we need?” Surprisingly A. summed up the things that she wanted, including a garbage bag. Throwing away anything has always been a hot issue. I first felt a bit strange almost suppressing myself to not direct the situation. After a while we’ve got the hang of it and we were happily eating ourselves through the mess. I was disentangling all the stuff on the floor and A. was sorting it out and throwing it in all the different boxes. The floor is clear now after day 2 and tomorrow we’ll sort out the drawers and get everything into place again. We had moments in which we were cold and didn’t want to continue anymore, but we pushed through. Already the first evening I noticed a clearness within A., she is happy and is asking herself why she hasn’t done this before.

I suggested A. to start writing on a regular basis and to create a blog for herself. She was really interested and my partner P. and I shared our experiences with blogging and how also writing can clear your head and see the things for what they are. Fears can be seen as fears and easily dismantled within self-honesty. Right now she is writing her first blog in English, her third language. I really enjoy my new way of sharing myself with A. and our new way of interacting with each other. I will not wander of in the future or get stuck in the past experiences we had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter in order to get her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct the situation of cleaning up A.’s room without directing myself in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than my child when it came to cleaning up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spread fear within my my child in order to manipulate her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter with money so she would take the baite and clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an outcome through manipulating my environment and not being one and equal to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my mother-costruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my desired results within A. cleaning up her room were not met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic about my self created situation within this cleaning issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order not to direct the situation, instead of seeing that being equal isn’t about suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or consider almost giving in to this feeling of giving up.

 

Dancing little Africans 04/02/2011

Yesterday I watched on Facebook a video of the San Diamond Foundation. It showed a scene from the movie “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” in which Lauri Kroll is visiting a remote and isolated village to see if there are orphaned children in need for help. Lauri is a member of the “Vilage2Vilage” organization that helps orphaned children in Uganda. Lauri is always on the search for new hidden and isolated villages to help out when there is famine or need for medical help. I shared the video on my wall simply to spread the news that the world isn’t all love and light for everybody and that we are all responsible within this.

At a certain point within the video I saw two children lying in the dust half naked and obviously starving and dying. I recognized this fragment, last year I saw a video of an Italian young man. I remember that I was kind of angry after watching his video, he had used a few minutes from this film and edited in such a way in his video that it looked like if the cameraman had giving these kids crackers and they were reaching out for it and that was it. I noticed that I became angry at the cameraman for not helping out these kids. Why did they show me this footage, why didn’t they help these kids? The Italian guy was eating crackers in between the fragments of these kids and saying how horrible this all was with a mouth full of food. I understood where he was aiming at, but it made me mad.

It’s obvious that I reacted on the Italian video, so I was glad to find out yesterday that these kids were given the proper help. Wow let’s rewind this, first I was mad and then I was glad. What was going on here. When we react in anger and we become mad, we are showing how powerless we in fact are. This energetic experience goes outwards and is projected onto our outer world. And indeed, I can watch these kind of video’s but when I’m really self-honest I do not want to watch these video’s. I rather watch cheerful and playful African children, instead of dying children. I don’t want to see that the world isn’t beautiful and that everything isn’t all right. I felt damned guilty, I’m living a reasonable life and these kids do not live a decent life. Deep down I know that I am having this reasonable good life at the expense of these children. I accepted and allowed all these years the huge gap between rich and poor and I didn’t want to know it. This disease that’s called amnesia, is one of which we all suffer in the rich countries.

I saw devastation and guilt in the eyes of the cameraman in “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” movie. We all feel this guilt and yet we do nothing sustainable about it. Maybe we give money for charity, at our church or at National Fundraisers. Big television shows to entertain the sheeple and give the chance to let you uncharge your feelings of guilt. At a certain point within the movie Lauri starts to cry cathartically, people run over to her to comfort her. All of a sudden it’s Lauri’s movie, she is the star. She felt probably that the situation was unbearable and I can imagine that. Only when she had brought all her emotion/feelings/reactions back to Self then she could see that she felt probably the victim, powerless and overwhelmed by her reality. So in essence she was just like me angry and mad at herself. If one is feeling guilty one tries to play out the polarity of good and bad. Lauri felt bad for unconscious accepting and allowing famine and poverty, therefore she acted as a good person by helping all these individual cases in Uganda. We all know that’s a drop in the ocean, we are grateful that she saved these kids, but Uganda isn’t the whole world or contains all orphaned children that are within our existance.

As long as we do not understand that we need structural worldwide changes we are only playing within the margins. As long as we act from the starting point of guilt, we only will keep searching for validation outside ourselves so we can play superman. There will be children saved, but we need to face this demon called guilt. With an Equal Money System all will have their basic needs provided from birth to death. Such a simple procedure and such a big result and then we can all be our own hero. Saving ourselves from diminishing in a world full of guilt, greed and specialness.