Sylvia's writing to freedom

We’re all perfect parents 21/04/2011

Being a parent is like flying an plane without a license. We as parents, once had this irrepressible pre-programmed desire to have kids. We of course had no idea that our kids are the consequential outflow of all the shit within us and our entire family. See that’s where family is binding it’s members, within the accumulation of shit. The first years as parents we think it’s heavy to be a parent and as soon as the child is able to communicate with us it will all be much more doable and practical to deal with, we think.

I myself practised my parental skills first on my cat, like a guinea pig or lab rabbit. My cat wasn’t giving me a hard time so I was convinced that I could handle the task as a parent. When my first child was born I was amazed how little, real and practical information was given to me. I raised my child in a rich country with health and care facilities in abundance, yet nobody was really able to assist and support newbie parents. The support given was not more then beliefs and ideas that every 4 to 5 years changed. What my mom had learned while raising me, was now outdated, dangerous and totally wrong.

So we as parents had to find out how to direct our children all by ourselves, when my baby cries like this she needs that etcetera. In a way it’s so stupid, I sat there with this living being in my arms and I had no clue what so ever how to satisfy this little creature. The obvious things like feeding, changing diapers and putting her to sleep was not the real task as long as it was a movement initiated by me. When she cried for “no reason” the stress levels went up. After a year I began to get the hang of it and when my daughter went visiting and sleeping over at her grandparents house I gave them the written manual of my child. I had this paper with all the gathered information and possible solutions on events that might happen. Quite funny when I come to think of it now.

By the time, I as a parent, thought that I’d come to this point of fully understanding my child, my child had already developed such an extensive inner life that again I had no idea what really went on inside my child. What’s of the most importance, is being capable of interacting and co-existing with her in the moment. Finding solutions together to our mutual problems and irritations. So we can eliminate as much back chat as possible. I do not perceive myself as the perfect parent, I obviously can see that I’m more successful with my children within issue X and other parents are more successful within issue Y. Yet we still are all pilots without a license.

When we as parents and non-parents see children that are not being held under control by their parents or the system, we snobbish lift up our head and let our back chat run wild. We always know better! We do not like to investigate our real parental skills ourselves and don’t apply a bit of introspective. No, it always feels better to criticize others and lift our own ability up in order to maintain this polarity of good and bad. Therefore our neighbors or friends have always uneducated wild beasts as children.

As a matter a fact I felt this way about my Albanese neighbor kids who live behind me. Always screaming, yelling and molesting each other at an age of approximately 3 and 4 years old. I was clearly irritated by these kids, who I really didn’t know. Their mother who is always calm when I met her in the street and at the same time is a stranger to me. Within 2 years we spoke with each other maybe 3 or 4 times. So my image of the mom was one of a calm and nice person and that of her kids was an image of horrible wild beasts. Then her or his parents came from Albania to live with them and for a while the kids became more decent.

Now after more then a year I saw my neighbor change into a lady with little patience who gets all of a sudden mad about nothing. She becomes outraged and if it wasn’t for the language barrier I would certainly say she’s possessed. Angry outburst have gone from once a week to daily and more times at a day. We live on a hill and they live above me so I can only see a little, but hear all, in a foreign language. The possessiveness of her outbursts lately are creeping me out, I’m wandering at which point she will snap. Sometimes her children cry when she has an outburst and sometimes it’s totally silence. I can clearly see now that her children are the consequential outflow of the shit that’s clearly inside her, neatly tucked away behind a facade of fake gentleness. It’s a familiar image, we all hide behind our fake nice appearances. The question is when are we a lousy parent, a bad parent and when do we cross the line and become real abusers?

I do not really have a plan of how to act within my suspicion of child abuse with my neighbor. Do I go over and ask all of a sudden if she is coping with life and being a parent? Do I wait till I’m sure she’s abusing mentally or physically her children and report this to the social worker of the village? Not always easy to stand and say no to abuse, if you’re not sure about the severeness of existence of it. I do not want to support abuse and I do not want to finger point and therefore support abuse. I need to be clear within this maybe horrible event that’s playing out just under my nose. I can always talk to the social worker here in the village, I’m a social worker myself, but not practising. I can point out my suspicion and she can take it from there, since she has the means and the town hall to back her up. I simply have to work with what is here and here is the system where I’m part of just as my neighbor. If I can flag abuse on YouTube and Facebook I must also be able to do so in real life.

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OMG they are no longer my friend 14/03/2011

Yesterday while promoting my “Equality message of the week for you” Facebook page amongst my friends I missed a profile picture. As easy as people do friend you on Facebook or You Tube as easy they unfriend you. And when I looked again I saw that I was missing out on 3 persons, my aunt, my uncle and my nephew. It brought a ominous feeling over me, they silently left the room without saying why.

These things are so revealing and again pointing back at me to show me where I’m at in process. My mind started guessing right away. Don’t they like me anymore, are they fed up with my Desteni messages, will they gossip about me within the family are they going to express feelings of concern about me within my family and can I fix this.

The funny thing is that I barely know them anymore, when I think of my aunt and uncle, I think of memories. Our last physical contact was 3 years ago on a birthday party of my dad. My nephew at the funeral of another aunt around 10 years ago. I accidently stumbled upon them on the internet and connected due to the fact that they are family. Whenever other friends unfriend me I do not ask myself all these questions.

When I found my nephew on internet and connected with him on Skype we had a short chat. He asked how I was and I answered. He didn’t say anything about himself so I suggested to exchange e-mail adresses to keep in touch and gave him the url of our family blog with all the stories about immigrating to Italy. He never responded again, till my dad said: “your uncle says that you do not want to connect with your nephew anymore.” I was left in the dark and could not figure out how someone could twist words like that. I told my dad that this was more then a communication error, it was ought. I left it there at that point, I figured it would be useless and no fun when someone isn’t able to normally communicate. I saw that I was holding on to my memories, those I had from him when my 9 years younger nephew and I were quite close and meeting up at family reunions.

It was rejection that I felt with my nephew a few years ago and yesterday it was again rejection I felt when not finding them between my Facebook friends. I see that I’m taking this personal while I have no clue why they left, so it’s my ego at work here. I need to work with what is here and here is my Facebook list missing out on 3 people. Why they left only they know and if I figure that it would make a difference if I knew why I should ask. In fact I’m not even that curious about their motivations, would they tell the truth if I asked or confronted them with their unfriending, I have no idea. I see that my concern is me in a self interested way. I’m asking myself if they are going to make a fuss towards my parents. This fear is based at my recent experience with my brother-in-law who in a possessed way was alarming quite some family about our involvement in Desteni. I say involvement in Desteni, because that’s what people see, they do not see or hear what I’m saying. It feels like being judged on their idea about Desteni, which that may be and if they even really investigate it or rather start screaming stimulated by their own fears. Again assumptions from my part while the fact is still that they left my Facebook account.

Is this changing me deep within my foundations of who I really am? NO. So then I need to stop bothering about it and move on. There is no need to get possessed about such a normal daily happening affect. I friend, people unfriend and I friend others gain. Isn’t that how life goes, moving on?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the act of being unfriended as something personal, instead of seeing that people can only decide upon this due to their own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project fears into my future about my aunt, uncle and nephew who could make a fuss within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach this event through the eyes of previous memories with these family members.

 

Money makes the world go round 25/01/2011

Today was a day of a lot of hard work and deconstructing myself. Normally I use the Sunday to put more time and effort into a blog, especially the ones on my WTF-blog, due to the fact that those articles are written in 3 languages. Today I spend a lot of time on a mind construct and made a daily blog out of it. It was a lot of work, some resistances and it revealed a lot, but once you start seeing the interconnections you understand that you could even dig for a week and still see loose ends. So, it has been an effective day.

I was about to make dinner so I could eat before my SRA-chat. Just when I went into the kitchen my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad.” Lately this sentence is almost  equal to a 4-letter word. Over the last years e-mails from my father-in-law are for 90% loaded with emotions, which are entering our house in the moment while I’m reading it.

His e-mail started with the statement that he was not sure if he was doing a wise thing by doing this offer.

P. has been unemployed for over half a year and I tried to earn some money doing a lot of labour for little income. We didn’t get welfare so it was really scary to witness ourselves and see how we could survive. We survived with the help of a lot of helpful and generous people. We were allowed to have a certain amount of debt at the bank, which wasn’t preferable but necessary at that moment. The funny thing is that the bank freezes your bank account for cash withdrawals so how on earth are you going to pay for your groceries? Here in the mountains in central Italy paying with plastic is out of the ordinary in grocery shops. That leaves you no other option then generating black money. You have to survive.

So back to my father-in-law who didn’t know if it was wise what he wanted to offer. He offered to settle our debt at the bank and if the taxes in Holland permitted it, an amount of money every month, it sounded nice but there is always a but with him. The first thing I thought was: “why does he always want to fix things with money that don’t need to be fixed with money. He always gives or lends money and then everything should be okay.” I wasn’t happy with this thought, it was an ungrateful thought according to society’s morals and values. At the same time I knew that one cannot bribe everybody with money. Years ago we didn’t see the trick of being controlled with money by my father-in-law, after all a father shouldn’t do that to his own child, isn’t it?

Then P. said: “wait there is a BUT.” and indeed there were rules for being worthy to get this bail out. P. is only allowed to spend the monthly amounts of money on his family and no money may go to Desteni or other similar places. I know how money controls us all and that a certain level of control is inevitable, but this is extra control on top of the existing control from society. I said: ” no, thank you!”, P. said: “no, thank you!” We have been fighting a lot over the years about the fact that my father-in-law tries to control our life’s with his money. He denies it and we experience it. We stopped this control by not wanting any money washed in control, in fact we stopped all contact with my in-laws 1,5 week ago unless within equality and the best interest of all. This was his answer to being in equality and the best interest of all.

I was mad, mad for not leaving us in peace. In reality I was mad about myself for reacting to the e-mail. For reacting on the control that he again tried to force on us. Why is it so difficult to let us live our life according to what we perceive as what’s best for all?  This time I didn’t feel less, I was mad about the attack and the attempt to rule our life. I stood, I did stand up for myself only still within emotions and that made me mad at myself.

I should thank my wonderful brother-in-law to bring Desteni to the attention of his obsessive, controlling, money fearing father. Just to point out what the consequences are of his actions or is that the revenge of my ego speaking?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at my father-in-law instead of seeing in that moment that I was mad at myself for not fully standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled by the money of my father-in-law and keeping myself still within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse help with rules and restrictions which makes me go into the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of  revenge towards my brother-in-law not seeing that it always reflects back onto me.

 

Our new fundamentalistic “faith” 09/01/2011

My day started off as a nice quite Sunday, the sun was shining outside. I did the things that had to be done in order to run my household. Then around noon my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad”. This means usually assumptions, a lot of emotions and us being asked to justify ourselves. I felt some energy in my solar plexus, not so much fear, but more the feeling of I don’t want to go there anymore. I felt like hiding from the abusive words that were triggered by memories that came up. I didn’t want to participate within these feelings and memories, but this is a though one that always tickles my ego and seduces me to feel personally attacked. P. and I talked a lot today about it to see why we still react and to stop this. My parents-in-law and I do not connect anymore and we do not hear each other so any communication right now is useless and a waste of both our time. It had been so nice and calm and we hadn’t been hearing from them in a while.

 

The accusation this time was about P. his blogging and our new fundamentalistic “faith”. We haven’t been dealing with this kind of family construct yet, but we knew it was about to happen sometime. P. had been writing about his dad amongst many other things within self-honesty and hadn’t been twisting his experience/reality towards his dad at all. His dad took it personal and accused him of having no clue why he had done the things in life how he did them. The whole point of blogging is self reflection and within self reflection one can only write from the perspective of self. My father-in-law thinks that we do not understand the word honesty and he referred to an old saying that says: “Improve the world and start with yourself”. I have to say that for the first time in ages I do agree with him on that one, nevertheless it’s one thing to write it or say it, it’s another thing to apply it.

 

My father-in-law says about P.’s process that it’s a fundamentalistic and new belief/faith and it doesn’t leave any room for discussion and that P. is avoiding any confrontation about it. I can’t recall my father-in-law ever asking P. about it. He ends his e-mail with the statement that he and his wife have the feeling that they lost their son and grandchildren. Then he states  that he hopes that P.’s new faith is worth the price P. has to pay for it and that he has to carry the consequences for the rest of his life. As you can see I’m no longer mentioned within e-mails, only when it comes to brainwashing then I’m in the picture again. What bothers me the most is that for the umpteenth time assumptions are being used as facts. It triggers this polarity point of being more or less within me, on which I have been working within SRA. My father-in-law presents himself as the almighty Lord who doesn’t need to study about our “new faith” or verify his “facts” within reality. I will no longer participate in this emotional turmoil they time after time try to trick me in. I must stick to the facts and all that I see then is two sad people who feel victimized by their son while ignoring the fact that they’ve created and participated within their own reality.

 

Then after lunch we received an e-mail from my dad, who said that my brother-in-law had sent him an e-mail. These two men do normally not have any contact. My brother-in-law expressed his worries about P. and the kids and wanted to bring to my dad’s attention that P. has started blogging and gave him a link to the blog site. My dad read it and then sent a copy to my brother, because he wasn’t sure if he had understood the English articles well enough. My brother confirmed to my dad that there wasn’t anything disturbing or new written in the articles. Both my dad and brother expressed that they themselves would never start such a blog, because you never know who might read it and who will use it against you. The usual fears people have which we already dealt with through self-forgiveness. My dad then had an e-mail exchange with my brother-in-law in which my dad basically said that he didn’t see any disturbing fact within P.’s blog site and that he knew about our financial situation and would do anything to help us financially just as my brother does. I have no other word for my brother-in-laws actions then gossip. He also told my parents about an organisation in Africa that asks €1200,- for a course that we might be involved in. He sounded just like those “cultbusters” on You Tube. My dad asked my brother-in-law how his relationship with his parents was developing and why he had been talking about this with his parents. My brother-in-law said that his relationship with his parents is in good shape and that it was only out of concern he contacted his parents. We all know that the relationship between my brother-in-law and his parents never has been good.

It’s sad but my brother-in-law showed his true nature by gossiping behind our backs about us without asking P. what was really going on. So P. wrote an e-mail to both his brother and dad. My brother-in-law does not understand that in May this year we are 3 years involved within Desteni. Before today he didn’t see us as odd or different and now all of a sudden we are. How fantastic and reliable is the human mind.

 

P. and I and the kids were asking ourselves at a sudden point what this was all about anyways. How can one make such a fuss out of our normal and not at all special way of living. If they had studied what it is we’re involved in then they had found out that it’s about equality and living ones live in the best interest of all. Which doesn’t mean pleasing some one else’s ego. Don’t do onto another what you don’t want to be done onto you and love your neighbor as you love yourself, aren’t fundamentalist principles. Who sees equality for all as a fundamentalistic believe and sees that as leaving no room for discussion is partly right. Equality for all isn’t debatable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel energy movement inside my solar plexus.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego be tickled by memories about nasty comments from my in-laws.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not connect with my in-laws and separate myself from them and label them as bullshitters.

 

 

 

A conversation between moms 30/10/2010

I was working on my computer as one of my clients came by. My Jehova Witness client who seldom comes alone. By now, I could feel myself like a rare specie, because every time she passes by she brings somebody new with her. A few weeks ago she finally did what she had been telling for quite a while, which I hadn’t been encouraging, she bought me a Jehova witness bible in Dutch. I took it, because I had not been standing within this and I didn’t know how to get out of the situation other than lying to her. And lying wasn’t my option, but taking the bible was a big no no. I justified it with: now I’m able to show her how ridiculous her bible is. Of course I knew how deep this woman is involved within her church. When she talks about Jehova her eyes start to twinkle.

 

So we already took 2 sessions to read in this bible where she gave her perspective on it and I gave mine. The more I spoke the more I encouraged her to save me, but that’s something I can see now while stepping back. Today she came by with another woman who I had met already. The hardest part is, they all want to be clients too. So there is a double agenda going on for me here. I had already decided not to read with her in the bible anymore, we’re wasting both our time. I told her, no reading today and she felt my resistance within the whole situation. Later my daughter A. said to me:”Mom she’s getting more persistent than before”. And I also saw it. She promised me a  sewing assignment, just as the other lady did, as if they were trying to keep me interested. It was not the same as before, more capricious then ever. We only talked a bit and I was bussy keeping her of her favorite subject, Jesus. In the end one doesn’t keep Jehova witnesses away from their favorite subject. And than I thought:”If you want it this way, you can have it all the way.” Looking back on it, this is a spiteful thing to think. I felt like I was pushed into a corner, but that’s only a illusion. Only I can put me there through my feelings.

 

They always give you the same examples and I started to get annoyed and bored with them. They told me how great the love of God is and blah blah blah. So I stated:”There is no love, there exist no love and I do not “believe” in love.” Of course I freaked them out and in a way I enjoyed it. They asked me if I didn’t love my husband and my children. I said:”how can you ask me this after I explained equality to you. I love my husband and children as much as I love you, but I’m not calling it love. I call it equality.” And than I stated:” And I neither believe in the purpose of family”. Wow, I was brave, or should I say stupid? Family here in Italy is seen as more holy than the pope himself. Their minds were doing overtime and I saw how determent they were to convince me of how wrong and evil my thoughts were. Again I enjoyed it. Than the other lady said:” I love my son so much that I will cook his favorite food every lunch or dinner, that’s mother love.” I said to her:”No that’s self interest. You are in need for this feeling/energy to confirm that you’re a good mom, a person that nobody wants to miss. So you’re forcing your son into loving you, only because you need this warm feeling?” She totally disagreed of course and than she said:” I even make him his favorite food when I don’t want to, and that’s what strong love is.” I literally jumped on top of her and said:”That’s even worse!!” She looked at me as if I came from another planet. I said:”don’t you see what you’re doing? This is even worse than the first example you gave me.” She had really no clue, but the word self interest had done something inside her. She was shaken and not sure anymore. I said:”see how addicted you are to this energy of wanting to be a good mom. You even push through emotional resistances, which by the way are an illusion, just to get your energy shot.”  Than she said after taking in the whole conversation of today:” How you put it, it sounds like I’m a robot. No no no I’m not a robot.” I reminded her of a previous conversation in which she had concluded the same. She couldn’t recall it, she said. She was puzzled and the other was holding firm on to her bible.They changed subject and said that it was already late and they had to go home. It was obvious that I stirred their emotions/feelings around and maybe I had been effective within this conversation, but my starting point was all wrong. I started the conversation because I was annoyed and bored with them and I felt guilt for not standing when she handed me the bible a few weeks ago. In a strange way I was getting even with them and even enjoyed it. So that’s not what equality is all about and this didn’t make the equality equation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not standing as life and taking the bible from R. instead of telling her up front that I’m not interested in her bible or religion nor participating within any religion.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was no way out and therefore had to take the bible from R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the acceptance of this bible with a possible way to show R. how wrong she is.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to encourage R. to the point that she wants to save me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that R. and her friends can’t just be clients I have to listen to their religious propaganda.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not entirely stand therefore R. is feeling my resistance. The resistance of wanting to keep them as clients, but not wanting to talk religious stuff anymore, because we’re heading nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to confront R. with her dishonesty to keep her happy as my client. Instead of being equal to her and not accepting this bullshit from her I stood in inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts towards R. And justified these thoughts with the idea that she had been asking for the treatment I gave her.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pushed into a corner, knowing that these feelings are not real, although I acted on these feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed and bored with R. and her friend instead of seeing that I was annoyed and bored with myself for not standing as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy freaking R. and her friend out, instead of being one and equal to them. Not willing to see that they are in a self delusional phase of process and therefore it’s impossible to communicate at the same level at this moment in the here. with them

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek this energetic charge out of this encounter.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about me not standing within conversations with R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy getting even with R. and her friend, knowing that I was as responsable as them for the situation we created.

 

When and as I see myself participate in seeking energy from conversations with R. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m directing me and not the energy such as annoyance or boredom. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within this pattern of energy seeking.

 

When and as I see myself participate within the feeling of being the victim and not able to direct myself. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that I can direct myself and do not have to participate within these religious conversations to keep R. and her friends as my clients. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within the pattern of being the victim instead of being my own directive force. So I will no longer participate within their religion through talking to them and feeding their need to save me.