Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.

 

Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.

 

Not wanting to look into the face of fear of survival. 18/12/2011

A few days ago while doing groceries, my partner P. and I ended up at the fishmonger. It’s a shop run by a couple, who are always cheerful and ready to give you assistance and service. This week a new lady started working with the wife of the owners couple. The lady didn’t look like she took great care of herself. She was in her forties, had long greasy hair and a face full of pimples. And we were the happy clients that were going to be served by her.

She acted nervous, which isn’t an uncommon thing when you just start a new job. We pointed at a certain fish and asked for 2 of those fishes, already stating that the fish were quite big. The new lady weighed the fish and made the bill. I was a bit puzzled since she asked 20 euro. We both said that’s too much money, that’s not what our budget can handle. So we picked another pair of fishes less expensive and less big. The new lady was not really amused with our behavior, since she already had made the bill, therefore the pay desk had to be reset in order to switch to the new price. She stepped back after one try and called the owner to fix the problem for her. The newly picked fishes were weighed and we paid a reasonable amount of money in relation to our budget.

When we left the shop we wondered what had went differently and how this confusing could have happend. We came to the conclusion that the owners always before making up the bill, ask whether we agree with the weight and amount of fish. In that moment we usually change it into more or bigger fish or smaller fish. No big deal, it’s just in the game of buying. So we missed one step wherein we as a client were able to accept and allow the deal that was about to be made. Now we were confronted with a price that we didn’t want to pay.

Then I looked further and deeper inside myself, because the new lady had left an impression on me that I interpret as not comfortable to look at. I felt some what disgusted with her, not blaming and judging her for her actions in the physical reality so much, but more blaming her for her overall presence. I realized when slowing myself down after rewinding the whole event that I didn’t like to look her in the face. Why? What had the lady done that I was disgusted by looking her in the face? What reaction was triggered inside of me?

It was the heaviness of how she looked, the total separation when she failed resetting the pay desk, where her eyes almost rolled back as if she jumped into her mind. And then I knew what she triggered in me, I was looking in the face of fear of survival.This lady didn’t want to be there and dealing with “difficult” clients, this lady was there to earn money in order to survive. Lets be realistic, no one’s career desires are serving people in a fishmonger. Although I’ve been in a position of doing work to survive and still are in the position of doing shitty jobs in order to survive, I hated to look into the face of the very same thing that also I fear.

I always make sure that I look cheerful while doing my job, since it’s my doing why I ended up having to do shitty jobs, another person has nothing to do with my unresolved shit. So I rather not show feelings of not being satisfied with my job, while this lady on the contrary wasn’t capable of doing so. There is no wrong or right in showing your feelings or not, it is about being self-honest towards yourself and making the situation into the best interest of all. So when I look at myself it’s obvious that suppressing these feelings of disliking my job as a cleaning slave for someone else, isn’t in the best interest of all. It’s best to deal with these feelings of discomfort and then for the time being accepting  and allowing the job as it is, which gives me the opportunity to look for other job options that are less abusive. Therefore throwing ones disgust for the job on ones employer or clients and not taking responsibility for it is not a self-responsible thing to do, simply dealing with it without suppressing the feelings is moving forward.

There are things though that I no longer will accept and allow from my employer, like cleaning a clean Persian carpet on my knees with a small brush. My employer has this desire for cleanness that’s on the edge of hosophobia. She calls me to clean the house because it’s so dirty, we clearly do not have the same definition of clean and dirty. If I stood in her shoes within her house, I would have said, it’s still clean I do not need to clean the house now, lets spend some time with the kids. But I need the money and my relation with her is not one of equality, a slave and a master are never equal. So saying to her that her house isn’t in need of a cleaning, isn’t something I can say within our relationship, if I want to keep the job.

So the bottom line here is that I do not want to see in others what I experience within myself as negative. Therefore the first reaction in me is separation from what I’m dealing with and only focussing on the other. Lucky enough I’m doing the Desteni I Process which enables me to look behind that first reaction and not getting distracted with my outer world while the problem for me is within my inner world. Isn’t that what we, humanity, tend to do? Finger pointing at others when they make us feel uneasy? We better stop if we really want to evolute and starting to understand ourselves. Our reactions are always about us, they won’t go away if we separate ourselves from it while blaming others. I intend to take responsibility for my own reactions, to clean out the shit inside of me, how about you?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for her uncared appearance, while it’s simply pointing out the fear I have inside of me to become a person that will neglect herself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear neglecting myself out of separation of my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore the needs of my physical body while I’m allowing the mind to occupying my existence.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the very things that I dislike inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady at the fishmonger for being nervous and making me feel uneasy, while it’s me that decides to act on the reaction I have towards a nervous person an define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the nervous behaviour of the lady at the fishmonger with the fact that it’s normal to be nervous at a new job, while I’m being agitated over it and start back chats about her unfriendly approach.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to measure myself with other standards than the lady at the fishmongers, it’s okay for me to be nervous, yet it isn’t okay for her since she makes me feel uneasy. Not seeing that there cannot be 2 standards of measurements over the same feeling when I’m equal to all there is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the lady at the fishmongers for working in a different way than her boss does. While in fact it’s my fear of change and not being here within the physical that makes it difficult to adjust my actions within my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with the lady of the fishmonger, while in fact I was disgusted with myself for having to do slave work that I dislike in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of survival as it is this signal that entails that I fucked up in life and not being able to fit into the system money wise.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’ll never will arrise above shitty jobs and never will see a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the mirror that my fellow human is to me and instead dislike my fellow human for the negativity that they reflect onto me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those beings that express the things that I have defined as negative within myself.

I am one and equal to all that is life and I will stop and breathe whenever I see myself hiding in separation afraid of others who are pointing out how afraid I am of myself. I will no longer deny myself, separate myself nor sabotage my physical body. I will take life, as life, here in every moment and every breath, in the best interest of all. I will direct myself to become my own improved version to change myself inside and outside. A responsible world citizen that takes care of herself and others.

 

Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

 

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

 

When hate becomes you 07/08/2011

Everybody knows this feeling of being disgusted by a person or the persons behavior or even by a message this person promotes. Some of us will express this feeling of disgust in a strong way and will say, I hate this person or I hate this group of people. For most of us this whole experience ends here and only when we are confronted or reminded of this feeling of disgust we feel hate emerging, but we suppress it and do not act upon it. There are people who cannot break lose from this feeling of hate, it occupies them day and night and they will search for people who share this feeling of hate with them or they will convince others of their point and stimulate those to join them and start hating. At this point these people are possessed by the feeling of hate and this feeling is fueling them with energy while the whole experience of hate becomes like an addiction.

When we are possessed by a feeling or fear we are not here in the physical, instead we are in the mind, living out our fantasy life to escape reality. Therefore we cannot see and we will not see how we are harming our environment and persons in particular with our behavior. A behavior that is only based in self-interest and only aiming on getting this energy to which we’re addicted. We do not see that the feeling of hate which is directing us, is reflecting the status quo inside ourselves.

If people who have extensive hate feelings and reactions towards others only would look inside themselves in self-honesty. Which means skipping the lies we tell ourselves to deceive ourselves, then we could see that the hate, the reaction is communicating with us about ourselves. We will not see how disgusted we are with ourselves to this point that we hate ourselves, no we rather accuse others of the very thing we hate ourselves for. Too scared to face ourselves. We’re fearing ourselves, we’re our worst nightmare and yet we try to blame others for it.

We go even as far as thinking up justifications why we are entitled to hate these others. There are the ones that do not get enough energy out of only hating, no, they pimp themselves up to a hero status, the savior of all saviors. They convince people that they have to slander and ridicule other people they hate. All this in order to show or convince their “hate homies” that this is the way to save this people from whatever they have made up, just to make their point. The whole point why they started hating in the first place is completely lost out of sight at this point. They’ve become hate, the physical manifestation of hate acting and taking over.

In school we call these people bullies and later on in life when they participate within a working environment they are labeled as sociopaths. It is not new and hate is not new at all, it always existed. What is new is the fact that hate in our current world is not the same as hate in the old days. Where people before got possessed by demons and acted out their points of hate by being the host for these demons. Nowadays demons are created by ourselves through extensive feelings such as hate and fear. Which means that we are now possessed by ourselves and totally aware of what we do.

Being aware of what we do to others and our environment makes these acts of hate even more evil than before. They know what they are doing and they’re doing it on purpose. So they rather slander or harm another person than being a grown up who is taking responsibility for that what they’ve created inside themselves. In other words haters/bullyers/trolls are people who fear themselves so extensively that they cannot look inside and cannot work with the point that is causing all of this.

I’ve lately been subject to the slander of Desteni-haters. This kind of haters is so transparant that even a child can see that they have extensive problems with themselves. They are disgusted by the Desteni message in such a huge way that they hate everybody who is connected to it. Due to the unwillingness to look inside themselves and lack of asking themselves questions. Questions such as, why am I reacting so strong to the Desteni message? When people normally disagree with each other they do not necessarily get possessed by it, no they simply move on. The Desteni message says, act in the best interest of all, be your brothers keeper, do not do onto another that what you do not wish to be done onto you.  When we look at the message then we can see that anyone who hates this message, obvious hates themselves and life in general. What does that make such an person? An abuser, an abuser of life. These abusers see themselves as less than life and do anything to make them feel more than life in order to no longer feel the disgust for themselves and therefore point their hate outwards. So haters are pretending they are more than others and have the privilege to do whatever they please, but they now they feel themselves as the lowest thing on earth.

Quite sad these kind of people, it only takes them one breath to decide they no longer have to hate in order to feel alive. They have to claim back life and understand that equality and oneness isn’t against them, but giving them the change to choose for life instead of fighting life and therefore themselves. It’s never too late to join the Desteni I process, where one learns how to master self-will, self-direction, self-honesty, self-responsibility and how to correct oneself in order to live life the fullest at the same time with all living beings on earth. Intimidating a Destonian is pointless, since a Destonian does face their fears and does understand his/her actions.

 

Pictures withholding me from living within reality 14/07/2011

My partner P. checked the weather forecast and today will be the hottest day in a row of heat waves. The forecast is 38 degrees Celsius ( 100.4 F ) in the shade. Together we decided to head for the river, a half hour drive from our home. For about a week we are having heat waves now.  The last couple of days the heat is causing problems for our computers. Cooling down with ice packs does help a bit, but not on an old laptop which has to perform at editing videos. So I’ve mostly been working early in the morning and late at night. The house has no airco, therefore the only way to deal with it is escaping the house at the hottest moment of the day.

 

When we arrived at the road above the river, there were yet no cars parked, only 2 scooters. P. and I reacted with: “GREAT !”, on which our son J. said: “why is it always so great when there are not too many people?” Good question and good observation. P. and I are both not attracted to the big masses. Enjoying ones day at the beach or river like sardines packed in a tin, isn’t our idea of outdoor fun. That’s exactly why we didn’t decide to go to the beach today, but instead going to the river.

 

What is running in the background for me is the way I perceive this spot at the river. To me it’s kind of a secret spot that not too many people know and I see it as an idyllic place. So when the rocks along the river are packed with people, the picture of my physical reality contradicts my mind definition of the place. This gives friction and feelings of something isn’t okay, while it’s bullshit and common sense that at hot days also the river is packed with people. So my experience of myself here depends on pictures and definitions and isn’t one of stability yet. This way of thinking is even a mind fuck to the extent that it’s limiting myself to really fully enjoy myself in the cold waterfalls, rock basins and the water slides. There is this little track where one can go along with the stream over the rocks like the water slides in water parks.

 

Funny how I do not describe the water slide in the first person here. I never took the slide so I do not speak from a point of experience. P. and the kids love the slide. My excuses are: the water is too cold, I’m not really the swimming type and the stream goes too fast. Within the sentence “I’m not really the swimming type” I see that I still live within personality, because if I’m not a swimmer what am I instead? Someone who likes to sit at the sea or river side, thinking that she actually enjoys being there. But in fact when I look in self-honesty inside myself, I see that this definition of myself is the same time a limitation of myself. Therefore not really a moment of enjoyment and not at all as being in nature, with nature and as nature.

 

The fast streams give me this sense of fear, the fear of losing control, going too fast and not being able to get out of the situation. On the other hand I never took this water ride so all of this is in fact mind babble and not tested within the physical reality. While I’m writing this on paper I’m at the river. I’ll see if I will allow myself to be directed by this fear over the day.

 

Since temperatures are rising to 41 degrees Celsius ( 105.8 F ) in the shade, I decided to give it a shot and go into the ice cold water. The kids took me to a nice rock basin, but I first noticed a resistance already by leaving our spot and walking through the people masses to the basin. I didn’t feel confident enough to walk around in my bikini through the masses of people. My son J. said to my daughter A., mom has difficulties with showing her body in public. Yes, that was the nail on the head. But I kept breathing fully aware of what my mind was pulling off and staying in the physical. Seeing that everybody was bothering it’s own business, made me realize that I wasn’t that much in the spot lights as I imagined myself to be. Making a big deal out of walking in my bikini would merely be a mind fuck.

 

So off we went to the little rock basin. I took some time to let my body get used to the cold water and then we jumped in. The kids said that it was best to first take a dive in the basin and get used to the water temperature before taking the water slide track. Also here I noticed resistance towards jumping into deep parts of water, I prefer some steady ground underneath my feet. Again a point of control. Then we went off to the water slide and indeed it was fun and it was not that difficult to stop myself before going down on the next waterfall. Strange enough I expected resistances at this point of taking the slide, but there weren’t any. During the day we took several times the water slide to keep ourselves refreshed.

 

So the physical reality told me exactly what it was to pay attention to and the mind babble only intensified the fears within me. Therefore no more fears before trying things out in the physical reality. Which should mean a life full of dares ahead in common sense and fastening my seat bells.

 

The reason why I started writing this story is the fact that I’m seeing this place as an idyllic, totally natural outing of nature. While this perception is based in pictures. By taking this spot as total natural with clear, pure mountain water, I was merely following the picture in my mind. Last year we found out that this river, more down stream, had been polluted with the dumping of toxic waste. No one could see a difference by looking at the water, only when people spotted  lots of death fish and alarmed the right agencies who tested the water they found out what was going on. Therefore we have to question ourselves if we perceive reality through mind processes such as pictures or if we are in the physical and seeing what is really here.

 

Most people live within their pictures and definitions, which makes us incapable of looking beyond the so called beautiful picture. We even do not like it when others tell us how fucked-up reality really is. It simply contradicts our make belief experience of reality. I’m within a process of seeing more and more what is really here. The picture presentation I presented myself till today was still a point where I was holding onto a make belief world.

 

Time to get real, which doesn’t mean to fear the world or not trusting it. Simply following the money to see where certain pictures of the mind are in discrepancy with reality. As long as we keep ourselves within a make belief world, nothing will change due to our inactive behavior. The world though does change, because while we are enjoying our make belief movie, things are turning really ugly. Denying it, will not make it go away. It won’t go away.

 

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that its better to spend a day at the river with not too many people there.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel special and therefore wanting a special place almost alone for me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated by the fact that more people go to the river and spoil my picture and idea about a secret place all alone for me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by wanting to be alone at the river, not understanding that there is no me and them within the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being packed like sardines is something bad to such an extent that I want to separate myself from it. While not seeing that this equals separating me from myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a definition of specialness to the spot along the river and in doing so making me special for being there.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel friction when my mind pictures do mot match reality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself by pictures  and personality instead of being stable here in every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through building a false reality based on pictures.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself here in every breath at the river side due to pictures and limitations of the mind. While understanding that it takes only 1 breath to direct myself and see what is here.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being the swimming type.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within personality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control based on ideas and no real time experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with no real time experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about my body image when walking through masses of people in a bikini.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the centre of the world and imagining all people looking and staring at me when I pass by.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will be shocked by seeing my almost naked body while I’m not considering the fact that people look at my bald head.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear jumping into a deep water basin and losing control.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lose control when jumping in a water basin where I cannot get my feet on the ground.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the water slide based on mind projections.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my mind pictures than reality, in an attempt to live in a world that has still beautiful places and is  exactly that what I see through my mind.

 

When and as I see myself participating within a point of experiencing myself and my world through mind pictures and beliefs.  I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by doing so I separate myself from reality and myself. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the fear to live within the physical reality -and participate equally.