Sylvia's writing to freedom

I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

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Just another Monday… 08/03/2011

Tonight I do not have a specific topic I want to write about. There are several points waiting to be unwrapped and they will be in time, but not tonight. When I unwrap I don’t want to ruin the gift paper, I want to be in that moment an work with complete attention. In other words I don’t “feel” like opening up a point at 11:30 pm. It’s a lame excuse, nevertheless I take it for tonight.

It has been just another Monday and I didn’t experience much fears or confrontations within myself. No idea if they just weren’t there or if it was a matter of not wanting to face them.

I started this morning with sewing a tight sofa cover for the Country house of A&J. The first one is always exiting since I might have to adjust here and there.

My idea had been, after the sewing, to work on my mind construct, but there wasn’t a lot of time left before lunch so I decided to watch some video’s and read blogs. Once I start working on my mc I like to finish things and have enough time so that nothing will be a reason to rush myself and deliver bad work. Bad work isn’t in the best interest of all.

I did some laundry since there was this icy polar wind and a pale sun.

I made lunch for my partner P. and myself since the kids had theater class and were lunching at school. After lunch we did some hiking, only a small round. When walking home we picked up D. from the bus stop, since he and P. had to work in Fano.

I had almost 2 hours alone at home before picking up the kids at school. I had planned to make another vlog since the one I made last week didn’t upload, not even after trying 6 times. I was kind of pissed of on You Tube and blaming them for bad services. Though when I looked back I wasn’t really pleased with the vlog. I spoke about Russia and Libya and even though my facts were in place I didn’t feel secure. I even considered not posting it and that was the first time. So looking back I must have been manifesting and blaming You Tube at the same time for what I did to myself. The idea of doing another vlog didn’t seem a big issue, but when confronted with it I was blanco and had nothing to say or share at all. So I didn’t make any video and I seemed fine with it. Fine isn’t the right word I allowed myself to accept not doing what I had intended to do.

Through skype I made an appointment with A&J to go over to their house and fit the first cover I made and bring all the table cloths I already made. We agreed on 5 pm after I had picked up the kids.

We took the half dirt half asfalt road to A&J, I wanted to take the steep drive way, but the kids said no there will be still snow on the drive way. A&J had their car at the side of the road so they hadn’t dared to take this road. With the jeep it was no problem going up. I tried on the sofa cover and it completely changed the sofa. A&J were really happy with so much change in the apartments they rent out. We left with fresh eggs and went down the drive way down to the road. In that moment I realised what I had done by driving up in the first place, now I had to go down on the snow. It was a bit slippery, but at the beginning of the drive road the snow was melted away and I had enough grip to slow the jeep down to turn on the main road.

When home I took the laundry inside and prepared pizza dough. Within 1,5 hour P. and D.would come home and we were suppose to have dinner. P. had to take D. home and give French lessons at a friends house. My son J. had a paper to finish for tomorrow, therefore he stayed home with me. I did my writings and now I go to bed.

Just another Monday…

 

Fears, shingles and a wounded cat 02/12/2010

This morning I was ready and steady to go and visit my doctor. Last night I was worried about my almost gone cough, my upper back was quite painful and the pain I had expanded to the front, so I started to imagine what horrible disease it could be. I know myself as a typical hypochondriacal and I already imagined myself having a pneumonia. I depictured the whole scenario within my mind. If I have pneumonia and shingles than I do need a cure of anti-biotics. And then the fear kicked in and all kinds of horrible deseases went through my mind, even this morning I could still feel this energetic charge. While suppressing my fear I was getting ready for my doctors visit, my partner P. checked when our doctor was really having consultation hours. I assumed that I could go in the morning, but our doctor had his consultation hours in the afternoon. The whole morning this fear for all kinds of deseases and the possibility of having to take an anti-biotics cure were clearly present. The silly thing was that I could see myself participating within these fears, I told myself that these fears weren’t real, but at that point I was already possessed with it. In common sense I already had found out that the pain in my upper back and my upper front were caused by coughing for a long period of time. My muscles are sour and stretched too much.

After lunch I went to my doctor and took my daughter A. with me. She’s been home for a week now, with dizziness, nausea and an accelerated heartbeat. Yesterday I did a muscle communication session with her and we found out that she has been neglecting her body by not eating  a great variety of food products. All green vegetables are filthy and most fruit she doesn’t eat. Since I’ve gone through this point of my health construct I hadn’t been pushing her, out of fear to fall back into the construct, to eat with more variety. In common sense I had told her that her body needs more than a few food types to survive on, but she wasn’t able to face that point. So within muscle communication we tested that she needed to eat more green leaves and products with vitamin B and C. She could see that this point of eating these specific foods was valid, but the core point why she did it she couldn’t understand. The core point is A. boycotting her body out of feeling unworthy. I could see this right away see how she had downloaded this from me and my mom and my grandmother, this feeling of worthlessness. For a thirteen year old it’s hard to grasp. So A. went with me to the doctor, because she wanted also his opinion on her symptoms.

The waiting room was loaded with people, but there was no way back. I already used this anti viral creme, to prevent the shingles from spreading over my skin, but it was empty and I needed a prescription to get a new one. The creme had already prevented the spreading within the last two days, so I trusted this medicine. When it finally was our turn, my doctor confirmed that it was shingles. He didn’t see any need to give me an anti-biotics cure, instead he gave me an anti-viral cure, the creme I had before and vitamin B pills also the same as last time. I was sooo relieved that I didn’t have to take the anti-biotics. So I told him about my cough for about a month, I didn’t say anything about my fear for a pneumonia. He asked if I wanted him to listen to my lungs and I said yes. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and with that phrase all my worries faded away. It’s strange that I need somebody outside myself to confirm what I in common sense already knew!

Our doctor performed a whole range of physical tests on A. and than he suggested a blood test and a ECG for her heart. Last time in February we did a blood test on her and wow what expensive is such a test. So I asked him not to test on everything due to our financial situation. Than he suggested to do first the ECG and later in time the blood test since the one in February was excellent. He of course didn’t connected the malnutrition we had tested to the accelerated heartbeat. He is simply looking at the body and that’s it. He advised A. to take some valerian product to calm down a bit so she can sleep more easily through the night. A. felt relieved after the doctors visit, as I, that it wasn’t something severe. So mother so daughter and I’m not saying this proudly, because it’s just fucked up. A. and I agreed on sharing from now on when we think we have something severe, so we can assist and support each other. The men in our household do not have these issues and look at us as if we are aliens when talking about this topic.

A weird day full of energetic ups and downs and to top it of we had a wounded cat. When we came back home, P. and my son J. went away to do climbing practise. When they left through the back door they hadn’t noticed that our youngest cat slipped through the door. A. and I, thought that all cats were inside before it turned dark outside. Then all of a sudden we heard this loud screaming and we hurried outside and found our kitten wounded next to the front door. He was attacked by the “evil red tomcat” from across the street. This cat is false and not castrated, the owners refuse to take any responsibility for this cat when he is outside their garden. A big problem within the neighborhood. Our female cat is still limping with her leg after an attack from this tomcat. I do not have the money to visit a vet all the time, because my cats are constantly attacked. I once said something about it and than the husband laughed it away and said: “Oh , it’s not my cat”. I found out that this cat was abandoned by their neighbor and they had taken him in their house/garden. A cat owner is a cat owner it doesn’t matter how you get the cats. I probably have to tell them to castrate the cat and take their responsibility. Our kitten was heavily bleeding on his hind legs, after bleeding throughout the house he started licking himself and the bleeding stopped. When he is sleeping he is dreaming about nasty stuff, because he’s trembling all over his body. What a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear horrible deseases when I feel physical discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind when it comes to fears about deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume appointment times and not check them for myself, while I know it’s my responsibility to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my fear for severe deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death through imagining all kinds of severe deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling back into my health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push A. through this point of eating with variation out of my own fear of falling back into my health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that A. couldn’t grasp the point of worthlessness, while I can see in common sense that such abstract thinking is still hard for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking A. to the doctor due to the fear of the costs for further testing in hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need for somebody else to confirm what I already know myself, instead of standing in self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about the fact that I gave this feeling of worthlessness to my daughter through her download.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards my neighbors for not taking responsibility for their cat and their surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my neighbors with the behavior of their cat after the first failed attempt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my neighbors with the behavior of their cat after hearing all the stories of people in my neighborhood how anti social these people are and not responding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this day as more special or heavy than other days.