Sylvia's writing to freedom

The miracle of multiplying bread and fish 14/08/2011

A few days ago I asked my parents to stay over for dinner. They always visit us a few weeks in summer and stay with their trailer at a nearby camping site. It’s summer now and they are here. So I had taken 6 trout out of the freezer to thaw and to be able to serve the fish that evening. On my way from the freezer in the garage to the kitchen I passed by my father and showed him the fish, he commented with, nice ones. Just before I was about to make dinner, my dad found out that he was staying for dinner. He had missed out on the fact that we already that morning had decided upon eating together. So my partner P. asked him why we would take out 6 fishes if only me and P. were going to eat it? Of course he didn’t know and he didn’t bothered either, he was going to eat fish and that was a pleasant surprise. As a 72 year old system who doesn’t know how to really handle the situation he spitted out a bible line, with the word fish as trigger point. He said, Jesus multiplied 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and went on with what he was doing.

 

Later I looked back and had a closer look at the miracle of multiplying bread and fish, that Jesus performed. The text that I read spoke about 5000 people that had to be fed and there was only one boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. The men who were with Jesus saw only a boy with little food and a big mass that needed to be fed. Jesus looked at the 1 boy with food and saw food. That’s the whole point of the story, are you seeing food that belongs to a few or are you seeing food that should be accessible for everyone. Food is food even when it belongs to a select part of the world population, it’s still food and enough to feed the whole world.

 

It’s a common opinion people have when discussing food and famine. People think there isn’t enough food globally to feed all mouths. But is it really? Just have a look at how much food people, in the rich and fortunate parts of the world, throw away. Look at how much the supermarkets already throw away. Look at how much food is thrown away on the vegetable auctions. The food is there, but we’re unable to use it, because it was fated to be thrown away. Isn’t that a fuck up, knowing how many people suffer and die daily of malnutrition?

 

Don’t get me wrong when I say we throw away and waste our food that I suggest to take this food to a third world county and feed the people. I’m saying, if we only would take our fair share and eat only that what is sustaining the body we wouldn’t eat or waste other peoples food. So that would mean equalizing the food and food production. That way all people can be fed.

 

If we on top of that also made the soil in more countries fertile and ready to produce vegetables and fruit we wouldn’t have the problems and costs of transport so much. Some countries would not produce much, because the climat and the soil are making it imposible. That’s no problem since other countries who have a lot of produce could share it. When this would happen in an Equal Money System the issue of how much such an action would cost, would be irrelevant. Therefore the statement that there isn’t enough food isn’t valid, it’s simply a statement of egoism and showing others that they do not want to share the basic needs with each other.

 

As Jesus already stated, there is food, enough food. We only have to see it, seeing beyond our opinions.

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Diet update 05/03/2011

Already weeks ago I noticed an intolerance for certain foods. When I look back this intolerance was already there for at least a year, but more hidden and less present.  First it was obvious which products caused problems, then the amount of intolerances speeded up to the point that I was sure that I had an intolerance for all foods, even the word food. I felt downcast and searched for ways to get me out of this point of “feeling” and I needed something more touchable than feelings within my physical world. I couldn’t believe that a person could be intolerant to food in general, so in that case I was mind fucking and deluding myself.

I started my own diet of stripping all types of foods and drinks and started over with water and carrots. Every day I added something new and wrote down on which foods I reacted and tracked down what my definition of these foods were. This was at that point the only way to see what I was dealing with. The amount of foods to research was a reasonable amount and while still busy with it the intolerances faded away. I started to eat the “forbidden” foods again in small amounts to see what it did to my physical body, nothing much really. I abandoned my research and continued with normal life again. That’s how we humans operate, when things turn bad we act, when things go as normal or even good we will not question.

In this period of food intolerances I was at the same time peeling of layers within my process. When I continued eating normal while all looked fine again I had a moment of, how should I say, a sort of nothingness, a too calm period, a void. This static state of being started to irritate me, I committed to process and I started biting through my mess and I didn’t like to stop and rest, I desired to continue at the same constant quiet pace. Biting, biting, eating, chewing, till the mess is cleared whenever that may be. Quite a fascinating phrase I just wrote, a metaphor with food related words, mmm interesting.

Now when having myself totally surrendered to the mind constructs I started to notice an intolerance for certain, already identified foods from before. At that point I saw the connection between these two periods of peeling of layers and realizing myself. This time I did avoid or ate only small, tiny amounts of these foods, to reduce irritation. It looks like I’m really sensitive while peeling my layers and once I’m more stable within those points the food intolerance fades away.

It’s kind of a cool tool this body of my, it indicates all kind of things, that is if I’m willing to slow down and see.

 

Christmas 21/12/2010

We just had our American friends J.&A. over for Italian lesson. They brought ginger cookies and a mix of roasted nuts for Christmas. I thanked them for the food they brought. So, later on tonight J. asked what we had planned for Christmas and the four of us said in unison: “Nothing, just the usual, as every other ordinary day”. They understood the words we spoke, but they couldn’t figure out why. I explained that it is quite hypocrite to celebrate this big consumeristic food feast at the expense of billions of others who haven’t got any food let alone presents. Then even later tonight J. asked what we had planned for New Years eve and again we said, nothing special, it’s just a day as all the others. They were puzzled.

People in general understand when you confront them with the suffering in the world and that this suffering is real and actual, what they do not want to see is why they have to give in their special Christmas and New Years feelings/celebrations. It’s as if they say, I really care for those who suffer, but don’t bother me with it at Christmas and New Year. They probably feel it as a right to celebrate capitalism and consumerism and get all nasty when you suggest to reconsider their self honesty within it.

I just read on Facebook that somebody wrote something like: ” It’s not Christmas we have to blame, it’s us.” Of course Christmas isn’t the scapegoat, but we may not forget that after all it’s us humans who invented this kind of celebrations and it’s us who participate within it. It’s not so much that I’m pissed off with Christmas, it’s more the ignorance that comes with it and that’s the same with all other abundant celebrations. The ignorance in overeating at dinner parties out of the so called right to do so, because one has the means for it. The fact that I own a car doesn’t mean that I use it all the time, I use my car within common sense whenever I have to. That’s the same with food, I use food to sustain my body and not to underline how great I’m doing in life. This kind of mind fucking is only causing more outflows and consequences such as obesity, bulimia and anorexia.

At Christmas we all of a sudden start to think about the people around us who haven’t got this great life we have. My parents-in-law transferred €300,- for Christmas to our bank account. We live quite a poor life right now and this amount of money is helping us out for sure. Although when I look at it in a greater perspective it’s kind of weird that we get this money now at Christmas while they know we live in poverty already for over 8 months now. Then my parents told me that they transferred €200,- to our bank account for Christmas. My dad said: “It’s €25,- per person to buy something nice and €100,- to buy some great food for Christmas.” I was speechless, I was grateful for the money, but the €200,- and the €300,- are just covering the basic living expenses. So after I thanked them I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Than my mom said: “You may of course spend it on basic needs, wood for the stove or something like that.” I said, yes that’s more what I was thinking. Than they both said that we only had to call them if we needed more money for our basic needs. It’s great to know that some one is willing to back you up financially, although I found out that lending or getting money from somebody is creating this unequal relationship between the two parties. It’s about one who has and one who hasn’t, so inequality to start with. My partner P. has a part-time job right now, it’s not paying really great yet, but that will change after January. I’m still repairing cloths and making gifts on request and joining DIP so slowly but surely we’re getting back into the system again. Not really a great prospect, but the only way to be effective within the system again.

So wishing some one merry Christmas and a happy New Year is merely an empty phrase and confirming ones participation within inequality. People get all stressed out for this one celebration, running around in the streets and shops like they lost their head/common sense. They buy more than they can carry, in a way I have to laugh when I see these automated robots running around. They really do not know why they are doing all of this, they are just following their program and repeating it over and over again every year. Maybe if there was a virus to interfere with the pre-programming, one like equality and oneness for all for instance, it might shake us up. We might than awaken out of this bad dream we call life.

 

Dinner party, cook to impress 11/12/2010

Today I felt quite tired or more like drained. It was the first cold day after several warm days and already after the alarm clock went off this morning I felt the desire to stay in bed forever. Of course I got up, but blamed the cold weather for my lazy start. I did the things I had to do and made a video. I didn’t edit it with the same attention I normally do. Just a bleeeeh day and a day on which I wasn’t able to keep warm, I sat a lot in front of the stove. Sitting and not even disappearing within my mind, just drained.

Just bleeeeh days do not exist. It’s simply a day, whatever color I give it is my interpretation of my feelings and emotions projected onto that day. So I had to ask myself: what feelings and energy are going around within my physical body? I felt commotion, unstableness, but very vast to be able to grasp. I muscle communicated if it had anything to do with the dinner party of yesterday and I tested for yes. Than I took myself way back within my memory. When we lived in Holland I did a lot of dinner parties for family and friends. I loved to show off/impress with all kind of complicated recipes. Mostly it were at least 6 course meals, for my dads birthday we did 10 to 13 courses and finished deep at night. I didn’t question myself back than as I do now. Looking back I can see that it was a boost for my ego and my self worth, till the point that I thought that people were expecting good and complicated food when they ate at my place. So all about searching self worth outside myself and feeling a victim for always having to cook. Also this feeling of being the victim gave me attention in a way and was feeding my self worth and ego.

For the dinner party yesterday, while making a shopping list I felt that I took myself into a state I knew already. Energy in the form of excitement. I didn’t know what to cook at all. This dinner party was a request, my partner P. had done job interviews for a possible part time job with the possibility of a full time job. Since he’s out of a job this was since months a nice prospect. They had to do a final interview and his new bosses/collegues asked if they could come over for dinner and discuss things over dinner. Don’t make something special just get some pizza’s and we’re happy, they said. People who do have money mostly cannot imagine that there are people with a budget so tied that ordering pizza for 6 is out of their reach. So I prepared a home cooked meal with lots of things that people had given to us, knowing the situation. So the shopping list was within reason. When these men said: “Don’t make something special”, something inside me switched and I went on automated pilot or in other words, I was locked into an old pattern.

I settled for puff pastry filled with vegetables, home made ravioli filled with pumpkin and potatoes, fish on a bed of vegetables cooked in aluminum foil, ice cream and espresso to finish it off. I didn’t overdo myself, but I was cooking to impress. Though this time it had nothing to do with feeding my ego and self worth. It was just of a calculated nature, I wanted to set the right ambiance. I was manipulating my reality in the best interest of me. I did succeed in making a relaxed ambiance and P. got the job, although it will not be paying much in the beginning, we don’t have the luxury to not take a job when it’s presented to us. P. is really enthusiastic about this one, he will be functioning equal to the two founders of this firm and using his languages and his computer skills.

So I was sucked into  an old pattern with this event and it felt the same as years ago, although my starting point was slightly different this time it was still acting out of dishonesty. I didn’t had these highs while preparing the food like I used to have, already projecting expectations into the future. After doing dinner parties in the past I was the following day or days always broken/drained, because it was one big energy pageant I played in. Okay, at least I know now when and where to be aware so I can correct myself whenever it occurs again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wanted to stay in bed so that this feeling of uncomfort would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego and believe my ego to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self worth is something that needs to be stimulated by outside stimuli.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the role of victim while it was just another attempt to gain attention and therefore to boost my ego and to value myself as more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this trigger point ( don’t make something special) and let myself be locked into this pattern of seeking purpose/life goals outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel challenged by the words “don’t make something special” to do and be more, competing with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please others so that they will please me back in return to feel valuate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my reality in the best interest of me instead of the best interest of all.

 

Carrots, carrots and carrots 29/11/2010

Finally I did it! I have been looking at this point from different angles and I was not ready, not able, not willing to take it on. There is always a good excuse to be found for not facing myself, but never ever one valid enough to refuse taking my responsibility.

I have been looking into the blood type diet, it didn’t look too much like a diet and the author has been doing quite some research. How commercial is it, I asked myself, what was the starting point for his research in the first place? The whole story had a lot of loose ends in my perspective and after reading he recommended to drink wine my “faith” faded away. At this point the blood type diet to me is only knowledge and information, so I could take on the diet and see for myself or start listening to my body and do research on my own, out of the starting point of me not abusing my body and eat/buy in the best interest of all.

For a while now I have been observing my body after eating food and drinking beverages. I found out that I was reacting and had more mucus after eating certain food types. Most food is a combination of several ingredients, therefore it’s hard to pinpoint wich whole food product is causing problems. I saw only one way to approach this, skip all food from my diet and start with just one type of food and water. Than add every day a new ingredient so it remains easy to see where I am reacting the most to. I muscle communicated about my approach and which type of food to start with. I tested out for carrot. I already considered to start of with carrot, but wanted to confirm it through muscle communication.

The carrot was prominent within my pie chart and later within a mind construct, but I approached it as an addiction. Just a few weeks ago I found out that carrot assist and support us to stay grounded and be here in the moment in every breath. I understand now why I ate so much carrots within my second pregnancy and later in life while spiritually engaged. So now this carrot may be the first food to start off my experiment. I want to find the food types I’d better not eat in order to feel better and therefore not let my body limit myself by eating the “wrong” food.

I had raw carrots for breakfast with a nice glass of spring water from our mountain here, so no additives there. The rest of the day I ate raw carrots whenever my stomach felt empty and tonight I cooked them to have something warm. That’s another point to take on, only eating to sustain my body, I was doing good but I still had certain cravings. My body felt neutral throughout the day, no heartburn and just the “normal” amount of mucus, because I still have this cough. I do not use any medicines for colds so it always takes a while to go away. This coughing though is another point I’m still unraveling. The coughing I do not take into consideration when it comes to the food testing.

While preparing the food for my partner and kids I had twice a moment of: “wow that smells good”, and my mind was trying to trick me into eating a little peace of turkey. I didn’t eat it and did self forgiveness on it. I have to stick to what I committed on, just simple plain discipline.

I made a list tonight of all the foods I can buy or take out of my garden, in order to muscle test through it to find out what the next food is to be added again to my diet. Tomorrow I’ll add corn flour, polenta, to my diet. Interesting combination, the kids were already fantasizing about what to make with it. At first they looked at me, while having carrots for breakfast, as if I lost my mind. Later they understood why I did it and they asked my partner P. why he wasn’t doing it. P. has quite some food reactions. He said: “I’m not able to muscle communicate yet in an effective way”. They didn’t ask themselves if they too might have some food issues. If they do it is more likely to be a mind fucking thing than a physical reaction. I will not push, I’ll just show them how I do it and how I take responsibility for my own body.

So tomorrow polenta cookies with carrot topping?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave food by looking at it and remembering how such food would taste, instead of seeing that I’m participating within memories and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that emotions around food are necessary to enjoy food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s anti social to eat a different diet than the rest of my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear harming my body with this experiment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being in touch with my body for quite some time.

 

At a party

It has been a while that I went to a party. Mostly I let myself get overwhelmed with the amount of people, not knowing where to stand within it. Being frustrated when I hadn’t been able to talk about the things that I considered as important and I felt disappointed and ineffective. All ingredients to cook up a disastrous recipe for a party.

This time the party was at my American friends house. That made a big difference within my perception, they are relax and easy people to hang out with. So today I was laid back and relaxed,  I committed myself to just be in the moment. It wasn’t very crowded with people, just 22 people. I did recognize some of the people and spoke with a lot of them, switching from speaking Italian to English to Dutch. I  switched quite easily between the languages, at first I didn’t noticed it. I didn’t feel this resistance I often felt while talking in Italian, I was here in the moment. In being here in the moment I was able to see with whom to talk about the weather and with whom to talk about more serious stuff. Both type of conversations were fine, just sharing myself in equality, something I wasn’t able to do before.

We sat during Sunday pranzo (Italian lunch) together with another couple at the same table. They were relaxed and open to get to know each other. After exchanging the usual information and topics I saw that I could freely speak to this lady about Desteni related topics so I slowly but surely did. I spoke with her in Italian, the one language where I have the most insecurities on. Before I knew it, I was explaining/sharing quite complex information to/with her. Than she said: “You think your Italian is lousy, but look how we are discussing” and she was right I was capable of having a conversation!

The point of feeling less than the Italian language, which I had been taking on recently had the effect of being able to see the language as a neutral point. Being one and equal to it, nothing more and nothing less. So simple and so effective. I had a great time at a party and that was long ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when being at a party, instead of seeing that feelings are of the mind and keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let feelings keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I didn’t spoke about important things while being around people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see certain conversation topics as less than other topics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and ineffective when I didn’t speak about important things to people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider a party at J&A as relaxed and easy, while other parties are considered as stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when speaking Italian.

 

Money has fallen from the sky 31/10/2010

It’s almost as if money is falling from the sky. It’s the end of the tourist season, or at least the large amounts of tourist that’s coming to our region is over. So I’m left with 1 cleaning job and my work as a dressmaker. More time to write and more time to reflect, but inevitable more worries about how to earn money for the basic needs in our life as a family of 4.

Okay, having this said I reveal to myself that I’m still existing within the survival mode. How can I not? We all are surviving, but what I have done was stepping out of my victim role. I no longer pity myself for being in my current situation. I stood up and I’m directed myself within this life of poverty, poverty as in Western poverty. I still own the stuff I had before I went into poverty, I have my computer and my internet connection. The only thing that is lacking is a stable job and a stable income.

Last week my parents gave us €400,- to buy a wood burning stove to keep the living room warm. Wow a nice surprice. We moved the 4 of us into our spacious living room. P. moved his office downstairs, I moved all my sewing machines into the living room and the kids their computers. It’s cosy, but we also have to adapt to the new situation. Watching video’s can now only be done with a headset on, I was used to listen to the video’s and work at the same time. But I easily will give up these habits for a warm room, because working behind the computer or sewing machine at a temperature of 11 degrees Celsius isn’t fun anymore.

So as I said my cleaning job within tourism has ended and one of my employers decided to give me a bonus for all the efforts I had unconditionally done when working for them. Wednesday they gave me €200,- and I normally earn €8,- per hour. To me at this moment that’s a lot of money. So we decided to spend it on clothes for this winter, not out of the urge to be fashionable, but to keep us warm for when the real bad weather starts. So we made a list of clothes that would be practical for this winter. J. and A. are constantly growing as teenagers so even if the clothes are still in good shape we have to replace them. We went to this huge fabric store and collected fabric for €130,-. Now I have to turn them into clothes, but that’s nothing new. When all is finished we are the proud owners of: 8 trousers, 4 long sleeve winter t-shirts, undergarments for 4 persons and 4 fleece vests. I will probably do something with the left overs, I will see.

Than on Thursday we suddenly saw on our bank account a large amount of money, €2000,-. With internet banking here in Italy one cannot immediately see where the money comes from. I was convinced that the bank had made a mistake, so I said to my partner P.: “we’re not going to touch this till we know from who it is”. We could only see that the money came from a foreign bank account. We have family and friends living in Holland, but who would send this much money without saying anything? On friday we were able to see who it came from, it was my brother and his wife. They knew about our situation and they figured we could use some money instead of unwanted advise or gifts. So no worries at the end of this month, when it comes to paying rent, gas, electricity etc.

Friday a friend of us asked if we had gone to the food bank. She has a friend that runs the food bank here in the village. I told this lady of the food bank that we hadn’t, I only would come over if I was in need. She said okay, but do come over in your car, than nobody will see what your doing and you don’t have to carry it all the way back home. How can I drive my car when I do not have any money left? Do I need to shame myself so much for going to the food supply that I’ll use my last money on gasoline? When I’m not in need of food I rather leave it there for the onces who are more in need than me. Than our friend said:” you don’t understand it, it’s already paid for with money from the European Community. If you don’t take it we have to throw it away”. So now she was putting the weight on my shoulders, if I wasn’t taking the (luxurious) food than they had to throw it away. I said, no I won’t take the food if I’m not in need for it. There are many within this village who are in need, just find them.

Than saturday my landlord said the same as our friend, “take the food, it’s excellent”. He said:” I rather want you, as a family, to have the food than somebody who really don’t need it, you are good people.” Our friend and landlord were or still are both in local politics, how come they can’t see what they are doing? They’re participating within this fucked up system of European subsidies, which certainly will stimulate fraude. The food supply here is only open twice a month so how could that help people without any money? It’s all so fucked up. If our basic needs would have been covered for, these European subventions wouldn’t exist at all. Within an equal money system I would have had a basic income and none of my current problems would have existed. No over producing of food, no food throwing away and no European subsidies fraude. The equal money system can erase many problems at the same time, which the current systems can only dream of.

We had quite some money falling from the sky the last 2 weeks. Even if it took me by surprise, it was me who was the directive principle within this. I had been sharing my life in self honesty with the people close  around me and I hadn’t lost myself within shame and pity. All these people decided to share their money with us. I can only stand as my own starting point within this situation. And that’s being my own directive principle and within that being a living example. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. Still lots of work to do within not falling for the polarity of good and bad, but that’s why it’s called process.