Sylvia's writing to freedom

The double face of the Italian “mama” 28/05/2011

While chatting with my daughter A. in the garden, I shared a story with her about our next door girl. I watched an abusive event a couple of days ago. The window of my studio overlooks the garden and the front door of my neighbors. This event is a story out of many that I witnessed during my stay in Italy over the last 5 years. The vicious face of “la mama” within families and parenting in general within traditional Italian society. Maybe one has to be an out stander of Italian tradition and upbringing to see and point out when discipline and parental love are nothing more than abuse.

I looked up while working in my studio, when I heard the click of the front door of my neighbor’s house. My neighbor left the house, seemingly hasty, with a letter and car keys in her hands. While this tall skinny lady swirled like a light feather down her stairs, the front door closed with a bang. She turned around and fire was coming from her eyes. She went up the stairs again, however this time she climbed it in a rude and male way. With one turn of the key she opened the front door on a crack and screamed through the crack at her daughter. The 11 year old daughter and only child, was alone in the house.The mom, my neighbor, yelled at her child that she wasn’t allowed to slam the door. The rest of the screaming I wasn’t able to decode, but it was certainly not a nice chat between mother and daughter. My neighbor closed softly the front door again and left the house on her way to her car. Through the small, but tall window next to the front door, I saw the little girl standing with her head down and arms hanging beside her body, attached to the glass for several minutes. Eventually she moved herself back into the living room. These rage attacks of her mom are common and sometimes more than one at a day. To me this is abuse, for Italians in general this is normal life. The “mama” is the boss within the house and rules with a firm hand, no one is allowed to argue with that.

I asked A. for her perspective on this event and she confirmed that this is indeed “normal” behaviour for our neighbor. Where my other neighbor, a lady from Albania, goes into possessive anger, the anger of the Italian “mama” has always been in this vicious way. So in fact nothing new, although within the light of our current world, possession is only 1 step further. 1 Back chat too much and Italian “mama’s” are feed for journalists and tv-shows. Even murder is only 1 back chat away. Abusing your child and emotionally scarfing them for life is unacceptable. What living example are you as a mother when you rule with the tool of fear? How can we expect these girls to be different from their mothers when their only experience is one of being hit and yelled at? When is Italy going to step out of their traditions that clearly do more harm than good?

Then A. told me about last Sunday when she went rock climbing with 2 girls and their dad. She had not yet spoken about it. When I asked how the climbing had been she only told me about her climbing results. The dad of the girls had been quite abusive in his language towards the daughters. He presumed them as lazy and bad climbers, while they’re absolutely not. Climbing is this dad’s passion and how such things go within families, the children are exposed to it and join in. These girls are teenagers and it wouldn’t be a surprise if they rather stay in bed than hanging from a cliff at 8:30 on Sunday morning. The attitude of this man towards his daughters had left such an impression on A. that she had tears in her eyes while speaking about it. How can a dad be so mean, she asked. Frustration I said, this dad wants his kids to be even better than than he is. It’s only an idea, a picture in his mind and when reality does not meet with his fantasy he gets pissed. And being pissed at his kids as an Italian dad seems to us like abuse. I even dare to say that it is abuse, because the equality equation cannot be made within most of these kind of incidents.

When you look at the reactions of Italian kids you know that it is abuse. I once saw pure fear in the eyes of a girlfriend of A. She and A. had been playing outside in the rain and were completely wet. To me no problem, change clothes and the issue is solved. This girl however feared the hands of her mother so much that she went into a total panic attack. She could reassure us that she was going to be hit by her mom for being wet and even a little bit dirty. At first we couldn’t believe her, but it didn’t take long for us to find out that it was exactly as the girl had told us.

Recently I read some stories written by an Italian lady where she tells how her mother would hit her in the face. At home or in front of people and only to release her frustrations. She pointed it out as typical Italian behaviour, for a mom it’s her right to do so. Maybe this behaviour occurs also in other Southern European countries or Latin countries that have a matriarch system. I have no idea, my experience is within the Italian culture and that’s my only starting point for sharing these stories.

For me this point of aggressive verbal and physical abuse is quite a difficult point to cope with. I simply cannot allow or accept any form of abuse, though when this point is discussed the players of the game do not understand what I’m talking about. That’s how it is and that’s how we do it, they say. It’s the always the same and repeating answer on my question. Abusive behaviour by parents isn’t exclusively for Italians, but Italian culture allows abuse to be in their midst. Humanity will not be killed by mysterious elite groups, humanity will distinct by their own doing if they do not change. Denying abuse for what it is, is denying our own dark side, which doesn’t make it go away. Abuse is abuse and therefore unacceptable.

Advertisements
 

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.

 

The disciples of Jehovah gave me a headache 20/01/2011

This afternoon I had all of a sudden this severe headache coming up. It was a pain that was moving through the front of my head and face. I wanted to do my Italian homework, but I wasn’t capable of doing so. Reading aggravated my headache so I stopped and started baking cookies and little apple breads for the kids to take to school. The headache faded some what away, but kept coming back. I decided to investigate tonight while writing my blog what my body is communicating with me. This in itself is a point of progress, a few years ago I would have brushed it of with the simple fact that a lot of people have headaches over the last week.

 

My day started of as an ordinary day. I began cleaning my house as usual on Wednesday. Half way the morning 2 clients came over, who were supposed to come over last week. My 2 Jehovah Witness clients who do not visit as frequently at my house as before, when they found out that I was hard to convert into their belief. I had never intentions in that direction, but they had faith. They became more compelling every time we met, at a sudden point they bought me even a Dutch bible. I gave them 1 finger for the simple reason that also I had a message to share. At first I only said those things that were not too confronting and obvious common sense for most people. For me this communication was enough and satisfying, but they kept asking about my perspective on life and there my ego took the bate.

 

For quite some time they hadn’t been around and I saw that as a confirmation of my idea that I only was an object of interest when they felt I could be converted. Today they asked me to make a dress for one of them, I shall call her R. All went well and they didn’t speak about their faith. Then when I walked them to the front door R. asked me if I still was using the bible she “gave” me. I said no, please take it with you. This was a point of manipulation of her and I didn’t see that clear. This opened up an opportunity for them to speak about their faith.

 

The other lady F. reminded me of something I had said weeks ago to one of their colleague’s who came along with R. Jehovah’s are really good in taking things out of context and that’s what she did. She blamed me for telling this lady that she is an selfish person for loving her son. In reality I had said within a long conversation that giving love to her son which made her happy and giving her a reason to exist was an act of egoism, as an addiction to energy. At that point I let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour by reacting on F. her accusation, I was frustrated by the fact that they weren’t able to see how they were abusing their selves and the people around them.

 

We ended up in a conversation in which F. showed her true face and did a lot of projecting. When she saw that I didn’t react with emotions and feelings to her she got really mad and evil. She tried intentionally to hurt me with her specific words. Accusing me of being cold for not being able to give love the way she did and trying to scare me with the fact that the village saw me as a lunatic. I turned her accusations into questions and asked those to her which made her loose herself completely. At that point I couldn’t care less, I was devastated about the demon face she showed me although it didn’t give me any feelings nor emotions at that time.

 

When they left I recorded myself and told the story of what just happend, I wanted to share this story before my mind was going to turn it over and over. Tomorrow I will make a video out of it.

 

So tonight I muscle communicated if the headache had something to do with this event and I tested for yes. The headache is showing me the frustrations I hold onto when I explain words like love to these ladies and they are simply not listening. All examples and questions which show them in common sense that their love is love in reverse its evil. I was already done with these ladies, but just a little bit of ego took me back to this point of frustration where I already had been. I was time looping and I need to stop it right here and right now.

 

I also tested out with muscle communication that I have this belief or idea that I see their life’s as boring for the limitations they keep themselves in and I’m really grateful for my own life as in being in process. Not out of the point of feeling more, but out of the point to see that one can do something about life, one can stand up and one can free oneself from all those limitations that cause a tremendous amount of fears. Life is here in the physical and waiting for some God to rescue you is pathetic and making your life useless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already grateful for this part.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a headache and not understanding what my body was communicating to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that the Jehovah’s were not coming around when they couldn’t convert me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let another manipulate me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jehova’s are really good in taking things out of context.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react onto F. her accusations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the fact that these Jehovah’s do not see that infact they are abusing instead of loving.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if F. was completely loosing it, instead of searching for a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel no emotions and feelings in that moment, but later while processing the event I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego lead me back into this point of frustration and made me time loop.

 

 

 

 

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.