My day started off as a nice quite Sunday, the sun was shining outside. I did the things that had to be done in order to run my household. Then around noon my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad”. This means usually assumptions, a lot of emotions and us being asked to justify ourselves. I felt some energy in my solar plexus, not so much fear, but more the feeling of I don’t want to go there anymore. I felt like hiding from the abusive words that were triggered by memories that came up. I didn’t want to participate within these feelings and memories, but this is a though one that always tickles my ego and seduces me to feel personally attacked. P. and I talked a lot today about it to see why we still react and to stop this. My parents-in-law and I do not connect anymore and we do not hear each other so any communication right now is useless and a waste of both our time. It had been so nice and calm and we hadn’t been hearing from them in a while.
The accusation this time was about P. his blogging and our new fundamentalistic “faith”. We haven’t been dealing with this kind of family construct yet, but we knew it was about to happen sometime. P. had been writing about his dad amongst many other things within self-honesty and hadn’t been twisting his experience/reality towards his dad at all. His dad took it personal and accused him of having no clue why he had done the things in life how he did them. The whole point of blogging is self reflection and within self reflection one can only write from the perspective of self. My father-in-law thinks that we do not understand the word honesty and he referred to an old saying that says: “Improve the world and start with yourself”. I have to say that for the first time in ages I do agree with him on that one, nevertheless it’s one thing to write it or say it, it’s another thing to apply it.
My father-in-law says about P.’s process that it’s a fundamentalistic and new belief/faith and it doesn’t leave any room for discussion and that P. is avoiding any confrontation about it. I can’t recall my father-in-law ever asking P. about it. He ends his e-mail with the statement that he and his wife have the feeling that they lost their son and grandchildren. Then he states that he hopes that P.’s new faith is worth the price P. has to pay for it and that he has to carry the consequences for the rest of his life. As you can see I’m no longer mentioned within e-mails, only when it comes to brainwashing then I’m in the picture again. What bothers me the most is that for the umpteenth time assumptions are being used as facts. It triggers this polarity point of being more or less within me, on which I have been working within SRA. My father-in-law presents himself as the almighty Lord who doesn’t need to study about our “new faith” or verify his “facts” within reality. I will no longer participate in this emotional turmoil they time after time try to trick me in. I must stick to the facts and all that I see then is two sad people who feel victimized by their son while ignoring the fact that they’ve created and participated within their own reality.
Then after lunch we received an e-mail from my dad, who said that my brother-in-law had sent him an e-mail. These two men do normally not have any contact. My brother-in-law expressed his worries about P. and the kids and wanted to bring to my dad’s attention that P. has started blogging and gave him a link to the blog site. My dad read it and then sent a copy to my brother, because he wasn’t sure if he had understood the English articles well enough. My brother confirmed to my dad that there wasn’t anything disturbing or new written in the articles. Both my dad and brother expressed that they themselves would never start such a blog, because you never know who might read it and who will use it against you. The usual fears people have which we already dealt with through self-forgiveness. My dad then had an e-mail exchange with my brother-in-law in which my dad basically said that he didn’t see any disturbing fact within P.’s blog site and that he knew about our financial situation and would do anything to help us financially just as my brother does. I have no other word for my brother-in-laws actions then gossip. He also told my parents about an organisation in Africa that asks €1200,- for a course that we might be involved in. He sounded just like those “cultbusters” on You Tube. My dad asked my brother-in-law how his relationship with his parents was developing and why he had been talking about this with his parents. My brother-in-law said that his relationship with his parents is in good shape and that it was only out of concern he contacted his parents. We all know that the relationship between my brother-in-law and his parents never has been good.
It’s sad but my brother-in-law showed his true nature by gossiping behind our backs about us without asking P. what was really going on. So P. wrote an e-mail to both his brother and dad. My brother-in-law does not understand that in May this year we are 3 years involved within Desteni. Before today he didn’t see us as odd or different and now all of a sudden we are. How fantastic and reliable is the human mind.
P. and I and the kids were asking ourselves at a sudden point what this was all about anyways. How can one make such a fuss out of our normal and not at all special way of living. If they had studied what it is we’re involved in then they had found out that it’s about equality and living ones live in the best interest of all. Which doesn’t mean pleasing some one else’s ego. Don’t do onto another what you don’t want to be done onto you and love your neighbor as you love yourself, aren’t fundamentalist principles. Who sees equality for all as a fundamentalistic believe and sees that as leaving no room for discussion is partly right. Equality for all isn’t debatable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel energy movement inside my solar plexus.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego be tickled by memories about nasty comments from my in-laws.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not connect with my in-laws and separate myself from them and label them as bullshitters.
Sylvia's writing to freedom 