Sylvia's writing to freedom

I did it, no reactions towards going to school 14/04/2011

This time I hadn’t been making up conversations in my mind of how to approach the teachers. I didn’t have this feeling of anxiety before even going to school. No pain in my stomach as a sign of being reluctant. I just went as if I had an appointment. Today and yesterday we had parent-meetings at school, which is basically an overload of waiting in line and listening to teachers talking in circles and only a few who are capable of making a distinction between students and not replaying the same judgements over and over again to all parents.

The kids were still at school for extra lessons, my son J. was waiting downstairs where the porter sits and my daughter A. went up with us. This way we could stand in line for three different teachers at the same time and A. filled in the place of the one that had to go inside the classroom. Very effective and this way we were ready in almost no time. Normally I do not go and talk with the teachers alone, I was always afraid I was missing out on something or totally not understanding the message. I’m over it, I found out that they rarely have really something to say, so why making a fuss over something like this. I understood what they said and was able to respond, maybe not in beautiful sentences, but the message got across.

All these years when a teacher told something about my child that was really no reality, I got mad and mean. Mad in my back chat and mean in my words. Did this help so far? Nope. So no valid strategy and time for another one. One teacher said that my son J. while doing a paper, had written his name and all the questions but no answers and handed it to this teacher. So I asked the teacher what J. his motives were, since I hadn’t seen J. that day at home and had not spoken to him yet. The teacher said he didn’t know why the paper was empty and J. didn’t fill in anything. I said this is to me weird behavior how come you as a teacher do not know J.’s motives for not responding to the questions? He said he simply didn’t know. I told him that I would find out why. When I spoke to J. he said he had answered the questions, but he hadn’t written much, simply because he didn’t recall it. In other words, he has to study more.

Then another teacher spoke about my daughter A. on how she had to score better on his subject and that he saw her grades go up and down. So I asked him if he knew why this happened and he said he didn’t have a clue. He had found out that A. was doing well in class, but within tests and homework she wasn’t able to perform. I said, maybe she isn’t able to apply the information. So I asked him how we were going to fix this problem since she is doing her exam this year. He said: she can come to me before or after class and ask questions if she wants.

So this was a cool new experience since I normally, when teachers were telling crap, immediately went into my back chat and became less open to hear what they were saying. The fact that most teachers and students have different truths, isn’t giving me the liberty to get mean and rude. Also this time I asked what we were going to do about certain problems to keep all of us within our responsibility. I just approached it in the moment and if a teacher wants to lie, he has to deal with the consequences himself. I cannot make him change his mind and I cannot take this personal. Defending my children as I always did is only making teachers angry. Then when they see my child they are reminded of me and they see my child in a negative way. Because going to these meetings is only to put positivity to the name of my child and show them that we care as parents. Never something constructives happend
within this kind of conversations. The current education system is simply not a place where they think about what’s best for all. We all know it, but don’t want to do anything about it. It simply is as it is.

While waiting in line some interesting things occurred. People were talking about the teachers and how they didn’t care anymore. How teachers were no longer teaching out of passion and no longer explaining till the student understood the materials. So I said that most teachers were seeing teaching as a job and not as a passion. It’s simply a way to make a living, so all about money.  People agreed. Then one dad said that it was better in the old days and that things had changed. I said, we also changed, we do not educate our children the way we were educated. So the result is another type of child/student and another type of teacher. One not necessarily better or worse than the other. Then another dad said: but in the end we educate our children the same way as our parents. And yes that’s pre-programming and following your download.


Contortionist 10/02/2011

Last night I wrote a blog about the unfair judgements and grades within the school system. The blog represented the event of going to school to collect my kids reports, the disfunction of the grading system and the disfunction of teachers. I wrote about how I react towards school related events now my kids are walking the school system, but I didn’t get to the point of who I am within this all. I rewrote the blog and still ended up with more of the same. So I clearly wasn’t ready in that moment to open up this point and to see what was underneath it. This morning I made a vlog about why I had been reacting in the first place and to investigate if it would make a difference, or if it would push me through this layer in which I was stuck, when I spoke the words out loud.

When speaking out loud I realised that it was anger what I felt. When I started kindergarten I tried a few ways, like standing beside my desk instead of sitting, to investigate how much space and freedom there was for me to be myself within the rules of the school system. I had quite a strong will, and in these days it was quite normal to experience breaking the will of a child as an educational tool, in order to get a good behaving child. It started already when I was born, I was given milk at certain times a day and not necessarily when I was hungry. The advise was to let babies cry and not react on it, the crying would go away and the end result a baby that wasn’t spoiled and wasn’t ruling the household. We are talking about babies here and not about terrorists. Well hey, that were the good old times. So at home there wasn’t much space for terrorism I tried to throw in some tantrums and also here my parents got the advise to break my will at this point and to put my head under the cold water tap to end it. I ended up with fear of water, but that was only collateral damage.

Within my first weeks school, I understood there was not such a thing as freedom at school. It felt like being bend into the wrong direction, when you practise a lot you will one day end up like a contortionist. A contortionist that can be bend in all directions except for the direction to Self. Over the years I kept trying to rebel in tiny little almost risk free things, but I ended always up at the same point as I started. So no freedom at school for me and this feeling of powerlessness accumulated over the years into a latent form of anger and was playing out in a polarity of good and bad. I was always a model student or was reaching towards it. All to cover up the anger, the powerless feeling of not being able to be me and stand as me as life.

When I started University I reacted strongly on teachers who judged me personally in what ever way based on zero information other then assumptions. It was as if my freedom for being the person that I had become, was brutally taken away from me. In essence they hurt my ego/identity that I had formed to cover up the latent anger in the previous years. In fact the judging, these teachers did, could have been an indication to me, as I had only knew, that I was judging myself for not standing as me in every moment and every breath. I knew that the only way to show myself, for what I thought that was me, was by fighting for it and going against the flow. I also knew unconscious that this fighting could take the lid of my anger and not knowing if I would transform into a terrorist. So I did nothing but suppressed. The day my daughter A. went to her first play group and came home disappointed that she hadn’t been taught how to read, my entire pattern reactivated again.

The strong reactions I have on the current school system and the pathetic behavior of the current teachers was a perfect cover up for my anger. I could lash out at others while I remained unaffected and that’s not the way I intend to do things according to the Desteni way of life. Within taking this whole point back to self I see that I no longer can accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern of angriness. There remains still the fact that the current school system isn’t bringing forth effective new humans who can build a better world. No we instead educate our children how to be mean, how to cheat, how to put a minimum effort in your study, how to identify yourself with fake identities, how to choose for further education based on outdated job opportunities etc.etc. So I will do my part within this pattern in order to work on better ways to offer education to our children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anger be the spokesman for my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Choosing the be the good because of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my anger for not being myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on judging from others towards me, the judging of my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not standing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my anger and instead choosing to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and not going with the flow, so in fact separating myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current school system to cover up my own issues and use it to allow myself to lash out on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself, my own world and my experience of myself-instead I diverted this self responsibility to the hands of manifestations separate from me because I didn’t allow myself to stand up for life as life as me of oneness and equality for all as one as equal. Veno

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience me. Veno

I am the directive principle of me

I am life

I am here

I am breath

I am standing

Till here no further: I am not my patterns

When I see myself participating within an energy pattern such as anger. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I am the directive force and will not be directed by an energy such as anger. I also realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.


A corrupt school system will not judge fairly

A corrupt school system will not judge fairly and nevertheless I’ll keep believing in my own fairy tails that kids do learn relevant stuff in school and will be rated realistic and fairly. That’s what I’ve been taught, but it isn’t what I’ve been experiencing throughout my school time.

Dealing with school issues when it comes to my kids brings up  suppressed emotions and feelings, which I will explore later in time. I was a good girl in school, but inside I didn’t always feel that cooperative. I could see where the unfairness was and ineffectiveness, though I was not allowed to say so. I even didn’t come up with the idea to speak out.

I have no idea if this corruptness is nowadays more than back then or that I just feel it as double now it concerns my kids?

Today my partner P. and I had a meeting at school with the mentors of both of our kids to collect their first reports of this school year. For my son J. it was even his first report at middle school. These meetings are not scheduled in a time frame so you have to wait in big groups in front of the classroom. This waiting is like waiting for a dentist appointment, you know it will be ugly even if there is no reason they will let you know that your condition could get worse or stay bad.

We already heard from our daughter A. that the music teacher had given her a four on her report. She found out later after being sick at home. Also J. wasn’t sure about his grade, but hadn’t heard anything. Music lessons are split into two, one is to play the recorder and the other part is to learn about music history. My kids never learned to play the recorder and at this point the disadvantage or inequality starts. If you can’t play, this teacher will ignore you in class instead of teaching and stimulating you to be able to join the group. A. had already asked several times for help, but he didn’t honor her request. Together my kids practised at home to become more experienced in playing the recorder, but the level they had to reach was much too high. This teacher doesn’t give any written papers only two oral tests a year, that doesn’t give the students a real change to make a nice average for music. So both my kids weren’t able to play the recorder and both hadn’t done yet an oral test. To the music teacher it was cristal clear, both had failed. J. got a five and A. a four, grades that are almost impossible to improve without real help from this teacher.

When the music teacher told A. her grade he said: “I’ve given you the lowest grade on your report.” A. told that he kept repeating himself for several minutes, but that she hadn’t cried. The teacher did put the total responsibility on A.’s shoulders and she saw how unfair and ridiculous he was, but she didn’t speak out. When a teacher gives a four or five to a student who hasn’t been able to fairly perform, this four and the five are saying more about the teacher than the students. He isn’t the only teacher who refuses to explain things to the students, but isn’t that the job of a teacher? Here in Italy it’s normal to buy yourself a tutor, out of the simple fact that the normal teachers are not willing to explain the materials. What are they doing then in class? Quite a lot of them talk about themselves or their relatives, talk with other people in class or are highly inefficient within time managing the materials due for that term.

So we have to deal with a four and a five and we will out of the simple fact that these grades are ridiculous and when taken seriously A. could not do her final exams if she doesn’t make an eight next term to have an average of six. How can a student who is so bad becomes so good the next term? P. said that he will talk to this teacher in common sense. Both kids have an eight in attitude so that can not be the excuse either, bad behavior. We all have to take our responsibility within this, lets see how cooperative this teacher is in a male to male conversation.

It’s simply impossible to really succeed in middle school, your grades are far from the reality and you’re handed over to the antics of your teachers. It’s a reflection of society so in a way it gives you a warm welcome into the real world. It’s also giving of the messages that you fail even before you start which turns our next generation into quitters and non-believers in real change. We can not let that happen, our youth is still our future, they can not quit before they start.

Let’s put this situation through an Equal Money System. The school would have had enough means to teach the students in a practical interactive way. Teachers would only be teachers if they liked what they were doing, they didn’t have to earn their living with teaching their basic income would cover that. School books and materials wouldn’t be about opinions of others, only facts and tested or even self tested information. School would be about how to live life, how to become effective within life, how to live and work together and to see what it is that you are causing while you’re here on earth, taking your own responsibility. School would become a place where you could safely grow into a responsible human, the start for playing your part within society. School would be a party every single day and it takes only one vote from the majority to establish an Equal Money System. I’ll wish this upon every child on earth so count my vote in.


We met the teacher on the pedestal… 13/12/2010

Tonight were the parents interviews for my daughter A.’s year and not in January as we first thought. It started at 4 o’clock and when we arrived the school was already crowded with parents and students. We decided to get in line for mathematics, we waited at least 45 minutes. In total we spoke to 3 teachers, because then the time was up. Out of the 3 teachers the one from math was the only one that was able to speak on a honest and equal level with us. He was the one who saw that A. had made quite some progress emotionally, compared to last semester. We were “hopeful” and got into the next line for the class tutor who teaches Italian, geography and history. We waited over an hour in front of the class room, many parents claimed to be in front of the other because their kid had been already in line waiting. These kids were no where to see anymore and in the end the chaos was complete. What started off as a line of waiting people was just a group of people that gathered and watched the door of the class room carefully to plunge into the room whenever the door opened. At a certain point I didn’t know anymore if I was fooled or not, so I didn’t start an argument over it. It started snowing and people got more restless than before.

When we finally were allowed to go into the class room, I was physically tired of standing in the hallway for almost 2 hours in a row and we only had been speaking to 1 teacher so far. While waiting I felt this energy starting accumulating inside myself, memories of the already so many parents interviews we’ve done over the past 9 years. So many teachers who spoke, but rather not had spoken, because they spoke out of dishonesty/believes/ideas/opinions. It all made me so mad over the years. Teachers who spoke about children as if they were a number and talking behind the child’s back. Also the memories of myself while being in school are connected to this, teachers who told me who I was without even having had a good look. Yes, this energy was one of anger and of never ever having stood up for me or my child, only acting out of emotions and feelings. So we sat down with this teacher who never sees progress even if it’s in her face. We had been correcting her in a note that we had to sign about homework that according to her wasn’t done, but in fact A. had done it. Of course she referred to it and we only said the same as in the note. This is the teacher that sees all students as equally within her mind, but in real life has obvious preferences. And than out of the blue she said: ” I do treat every student equally, I do not have preferences and all students get grades on the same grounds”. We watched her carefully while she was stating this out of the blue. She started coughing and getting uncomfortable. She didn’t picture A. attending the lyceum and prepare herself for university. “Why isn’t she going to do something artistic or something with languages”, she said. Than I got mad, I said: ” It’s up to A. to make this choice and in the current world there are not many jobs for translators and artists”. I studied art and my partner P. is translator and it doesn’t provide bread on the table and that’s not just now but already the case for several years. The teacher didn’t understand me properly, I was quite mad and had a hard time making any sense so I left it there. So no standing up. I was mad about teachers that have to prepare our kids for our world/society and they do not know anything about it. Choosing a job that’s in the best interest for all that’s what counts, all other jobs are vanity or greed based.

Another 30 minutes and we were able to meet with the teacher on the pedestal who told our daughter that her parents weren’t allowed to talk back when signing a note of him. When we came in he said: ” So you are the parents of A.?” , and than he said lets talk about the little one. We looked at each other, the little one? He wanted to discuss our son J. who is in his first year. I said: “We are here to talk about A.”. After that he started unwillingly. He did a whole story about how A. was unwilling to copy things from the blackboard or even later from her classmates. We didn’t know what to say since this sounded as quite a weird story to us, but A. wasn’t there to verify it. Then he said she didn’t study, but her technical drawings were okay. Consequently he showed us her grade list with almost all low grades. I didn’t know what to say, we had been signing for all grades so far and A. showed hardly any insufficient grades. When the note came into the conversation, we again told him that A.’s background wasn’t the same as the others and that she’s living in Italy only for 4 years now. He wasn’t impressed, only his own truth was reality.

When we tried to speak to another teacher she was already packing and leaving, so we decided to go home. What a useless and ineffective way of using our time. This whole circus is for parents to be reassured about their kids and for the teachers to have a moment to hedge themselves.

When we were home at 7 o’clock we confronted A. with the information we got from the teachers. What I suspected was true, these 2 grown ups had been lying flatly in our faces. The teacher on the pedestal had never ever checked if A. had copied the materials from the blackboard and he had never told her bout the majority of her grades. We also discussed J. with this teacher so I also saw his grades and asked him if he knew about these and he didn’t. So these students have no clue how they are doing according to their grades and they have no idea for what assignments these grades were, isn’t that dishonest and giving students a disadvantage within their semester? Why is a teacher lying towards parents? I was also angry at him, I was ready to expose him but I wasn’t sure if I was right in that moment. Exposing him out of the starting point of anger hadn’t been a good idea either. I replayed the conversations at home and discovered more inconsistencies, but confronting them with it is just bumping against the limitations of the education system. Lets put all these kind of teachers in a rehab camp as long as they are a threat to our children. When they understand self honesty, don’t do to another what you don’t want to be done onto you and what’s best for all, they can be released within society. A new society where the Equal Money System rules where there isn’t any place for teachers who do not see their students equal to themselves and where high education means preparing our children for life and teach about the living word and self forgiveness. It sounds like a dream, but we’re not as far from it as you might think.

On this point of anger towards teachers and the education system I will have to do a mind construct to get more clarity in that one, but for now some self forgiveness on the points that are obvious in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the energy accumulate within me and let it direct me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry and therefore not being able to express myself sufficient.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand for myself and my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within  school memories and use that as a blueprint for next school experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless when it comes to the teachers of my kids and kids in general. Not having any trust in teachers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing teachers while they are lying, out of not trusting my starting point and the information I have within that moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like a teen again in front of the teacher on the pedestal and almost wanting to spit him in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anger and not seeing that it’s anger towards myself for not standing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairness instead of seeing that by participating within this feeling I make myself the victim and unable to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be certain and not directing myself within my life.