Sylvia's writing to freedom

Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

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Time traveling to tralala land 03/07/2011

Recently I was explaining to someone that the energy, of which spirituality  speaks, is a non existing energy. Energy isn’t something that can be transmitted onto another person as if it was sound as if we are speaking with each other. It is something within the mind of one person and it becomes an surreal experience of that person. I illustrated this with energy transmitting as in Reiki, which I practised years ago. This conversation let me back to the Reiki evenings that I attended and after the conversation I had with this person I reflected further upon these evenings I had on a monthly base with a group of people.

My mother-in-law initiated me within Reiki and she was my master so to speak. The one I could turn to with questions. Every question I asked was answered by her with either, “I do not know” or “you are doing strange things with Reiki”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about etcetera”. So I was on my own and searched the web for answers, which wasn’t easy, to find genuine answers. At a certain point I found fellow Reiki practitioners and from one group I ended up into another. I stayed a few years with them as the group kept changing participants.

To me these evenings were my evening out doing my spiritual stuff. I was intrigued by this energy work, it gave me self-worth and last but not least specialness. I enjoyed belonging to this group though I perceived all the others as psychics and myself as a wanna be psychic. All the others had always amazing stories about how their energy powers had improved over the last month. I was just me and these stories made me quite insecure as if there was something wrong with me for the lack of these amazing stories. We were assigned to someone for the evening to practise the Reiki positions on and to develop our skills. In a way I felt threatened, I had this fear that they could see right through me and see my dishonesties. I simply didn’t want to share all with them.

We had one lady in the group and whenever she did Reiki on someone or received a treatment she was traveling in time back and forth. She could tell the most amazing stories, most of the time she drew symbols that she had received on her traveling. All the people in the group loved to hear her stories. Often she asked the one she was working with during such evening if they had traveled along with her. Also when I had her under my hands she disappeared totally in her mind, I of course did not see or feel anything. Due to the group pressure I kind of was ashamed for not being able to join her. At the same time I was strongly questioning her travel stories. The couple who organized it went completely along with this bullshit, so I thought it was me who was different. I never asked this lady what kind of books she had read and what kind of movies she had seen throughout her life. That probably had explained a lot of her amazing stories.

Whenever I was treated by someone else I never felt any energy, so I started wondering if I was blocking their energy, if it didn’t work on me or were they just bragging about their energetic abilities. When I had to say something about a person when we did our evaluation round I used cold reading, of which I back then didn’t know the name yet. I was very good in remembering what people were telling every meeting and I watched their body language really close. I registered their reactions towards others when psychic information was revealed. Whenever I told a person something about them within the evaluation round I was never telling them something new, I simply compiled a story with the information I’d got about them during the meetings and they always went into denial. To me it was clear that people preferred to hear only positive tralala information about themselves and absolute no confrontation with reality. I mean also I feared to be discovered for dishonesties, but it made me think though.

One evening a psychic medium was invited and we were asked to bring an item for this lady to touch. She could give information from the afterlife from diseased people that were close to us. I defined this as a special ability, to be able to predict or tell information through objects and for he most part of the evening my ability to apply common sense was gone. I was even nervous to get to my turn. I brought a broche from my great grandmother and I was eager to here something about her. Wow what a disappointment, all the other stories sounded so amazing and these people were almost flabbergasted. She told me that my great grandmother was dancing in heaven and having a great time and that was it. I never went to such a gathering again, we even had to pay for it.

So I was seeing the facts and I had experienced the fact that there was no transmission of energy going on and there was no such thing as someone telling me stuff I didn’t already know. Yet it took me quite a while to get off of this energy bullshit. It was the specialness and personality building around it that I wasn’t eager to let go off. It was the need for my “special hands”, I called my hands my first aid kit. On holidays I only took bandages and iodine with me, when ever the kids fell and hurt themselves I treated them with Reiki and stopped their wounds from bleeding. Now I can see that I wasn’t a master in Reiki I was a master in persuading people to manifest.

The turning point of no longer using my hands on others, was when I had treated an acquaintance several times and I expressed that his chest/heart area wasn’t feeling okay as in not okay energy. Weeks later I found out that the guy was brought to hospital with an ambulance after a heart attack. I felt so fucking guilty. In a way I felt and believed to be the causer of his heart attack and on the other hand I saw that I had planted a seed of fear within this guy which led him to a heart attack. It all felt so fucked up, I feared my capability for doing evil within an attempt of doing good. Good for my own profit. Not much later I found Desteni and energy work/spiritualism was one of the first things I investigated within the Desteni materials. To find out that it’s all in the mind, if it was real, love and light had already saved our planet. Our planet is in need of real solutions and no fantasies about the solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to blame my mother-in-law for not being of any support, while I was blaming me for having no answers to the chaos and search for specialness and purpose I was in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to seek specialness to gain self-worth through my actions instead of valuating myself for who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to believe in energy work as real since it provided me a personality with which I increased my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear myself for what I am capable of when it comes to creating and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear evil inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to live in a fantasy bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to feel jealousy on others who I perceived as psychic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to see my hands as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to need a purpose in life that is important and of value, instead of seeing that being here as me as life is enough.

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of specialness I stop and breath. I realize that seeking specialness is participating within the mind, while being here in every breath is being me and no longer searching for me within specialness. I will no longer participate within specialness, since there is no need to search outside myself in order to feel alive. I’ll direct myself to participate within the physical and not hiding within the mind behind any form of specialness.

 

Don’t be a killjoy, just join the party 16/05/2011

An acquaintance of us called today, she asked if we were able to come over next Friday for a mattresses sales party. My partner P. spoke to her on the phone and said that he hadn’t planned on buying mattresses and surely not these expensive ones. 2 years ago we went to a similar party, not to buy, but simply to mingle with the people of the new village we lived in. These kind of products are only sold through parties and are of “such good quality” that you need a loan in order to be able to buy one. The prices are really over valued. So P. hit off the invitation.

The lady told P. that she needed a certain amount of people on her party in order to receive €300,-. Her husband has a pension, which is a joke here in Italy. She runs their B & B, but tourism is this year even slower than last year. So the €300,- that was offered by the salesman, she could really use well. These are people that even with little money still give to others that are in more need than themselves. The 8 months in which we had no money except for a bank loan and some gifts from family, they gave us now and then some meat from their own grown animals. P. agreed on attending to the party if money shortage was the motivation.

My first reaction was, ‘no, I will not participate’. As I see it, this is manipulation through money and therefore unacceptable. This acquaintance of us 2 years ago was really negative about the mattresses and was even spiteful towards the salesman. She admitted that she didn’t like the product and was only in the game for the money. It seems that if it wasn’t for the €300,- bonus nobody was willing to lend his house for a party. If it wasn’t for the money the host gets, almost nobody would ever go to such parties. So we’re  maintaining these parties by allowing and accepting the manipulation in the name of money. To me that’s the world in reverse.

My second reaction was one of guilt towards this lady that had been good to us when we had financial troubles. This could be the moment to return a favour, but I couldn’t make 1+1= 2. The reason that we were in major financial problems had it’s core problem in our behavior throughout the years of separating ourselves from the system. Once we saw this, we addressed it and we slowly are climbing up from the pit. Everybody has his own issues to face and I’m not helping these people out by allowing and accepting manipulation and abuse in the name of money. They have still a few financial issues that really can be solved. Stop smoking would save money, stop spending money on the kids that is more than their fair share, certainly  when the family budget is small. Relatives give big amounts of money to the kids of this couple to spend on useless stuff and candy. They borrow from their own kids in the age of 14 and 11 to be able to get food on the table. These relatives need to understand what they are causing with their generously donating money without really considering the situation and what’s best for all.

Therefore I’ll stick to my first reaction and will not attend the party. I already gave some clothes still in good shape to their youngest daughter. It might not be much, but I see it as practical help to give clothes a second life when still in good shape. The girl loves it, because they are my daughter A. her clothes, the girls best and older friend. I rather keep helping people out in my neighborhood by practical help and not through sustaining a sick money system.

 

Dancing little Africans 04/02/2011

Yesterday I watched on Facebook a video of the San Diamond Foundation. It showed a scene from the movie “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” in which Lauri Kroll is visiting a remote and isolated village to see if there are orphaned children in need for help. Lauri is a member of the “Vilage2Vilage” organization that helps orphaned children in Uganda. Lauri is always on the search for new hidden and isolated villages to help out when there is famine or need for medical help. I shared the video on my wall simply to spread the news that the world isn’t all love and light for everybody and that we are all responsible within this.

At a certain point within the video I saw two children lying in the dust half naked and obviously starving and dying. I recognized this fragment, last year I saw a video of an Italian young man. I remember that I was kind of angry after watching his video, he had used a few minutes from this film and edited in such a way in his video that it looked like if the cameraman had giving these kids crackers and they were reaching out for it and that was it. I noticed that I became angry at the cameraman for not helping out these kids. Why did they show me this footage, why didn’t they help these kids? The Italian guy was eating crackers in between the fragments of these kids and saying how horrible this all was with a mouth full of food. I understood where he was aiming at, but it made me mad.

It’s obvious that I reacted on the Italian video, so I was glad to find out yesterday that these kids were given the proper help. Wow let’s rewind this, first I was mad and then I was glad. What was going on here. When we react in anger and we become mad, we are showing how powerless we in fact are. This energetic experience goes outwards and is projected onto our outer world. And indeed, I can watch these kind of video’s but when I’m really self-honest I do not want to watch these video’s. I rather watch cheerful and playful African children, instead of dying children. I don’t want to see that the world isn’t beautiful and that everything isn’t all right. I felt damned guilty, I’m living a reasonable life and these kids do not live a decent life. Deep down I know that I am having this reasonable good life at the expense of these children. I accepted and allowed all these years the huge gap between rich and poor and I didn’t want to know it. This disease that’s called amnesia, is one of which we all suffer in the rich countries.

I saw devastation and guilt in the eyes of the cameraman in “The Fragrant Spirit of Life” movie. We all feel this guilt and yet we do nothing sustainable about it. Maybe we give money for charity, at our church or at National Fundraisers. Big television shows to entertain the sheeple and give the chance to let you uncharge your feelings of guilt. At a certain point within the movie Lauri starts to cry cathartically, people run over to her to comfort her. All of a sudden it’s Lauri’s movie, she is the star. She felt probably that the situation was unbearable and I can imagine that. Only when she had brought all her emotion/feelings/reactions back to Self then she could see that she felt probably the victim, powerless and overwhelmed by her reality. So in essence she was just like me angry and mad at herself. If one is feeling guilty one tries to play out the polarity of good and bad. Lauri felt bad for unconscious accepting and allowing famine and poverty, therefore she acted as a good person by helping all these individual cases in Uganda. We all know that’s a drop in the ocean, we are grateful that she saved these kids, but Uganda isn’t the whole world or contains all orphaned children that are within our existance.

As long as we do not understand that we need structural worldwide changes we are only playing within the margins. As long as we act from the starting point of guilt, we only will keep searching for validation outside ourselves so we can play superman. There will be children saved, but we need to face this demon called guilt. With an Equal Money System all will have their basic needs provided from birth to death. Such a simple procedure and such a big result and then we can all be our own hero. Saving ourselves from diminishing in a world full of guilt, greed and specialness.

 

A conversation between moms 30/10/2010

I was working on my computer as one of my clients came by. My Jehova Witness client who seldom comes alone. By now, I could feel myself like a rare specie, because every time she passes by she brings somebody new with her. A few weeks ago she finally did what she had been telling for quite a while, which I hadn’t been encouraging, she bought me a Jehova witness bible in Dutch. I took it, because I had not been standing within this and I didn’t know how to get out of the situation other than lying to her. And lying wasn’t my option, but taking the bible was a big no no. I justified it with: now I’m able to show her how ridiculous her bible is. Of course I knew how deep this woman is involved within her church. When she talks about Jehova her eyes start to twinkle.

 

So we already took 2 sessions to read in this bible where she gave her perspective on it and I gave mine. The more I spoke the more I encouraged her to save me, but that’s something I can see now while stepping back. Today she came by with another woman who I had met already. The hardest part is, they all want to be clients too. So there is a double agenda going on for me here. I had already decided not to read with her in the bible anymore, we’re wasting both our time. I told her, no reading today and she felt my resistance within the whole situation. Later my daughter A. said to me:”Mom she’s getting more persistent than before”. And I also saw it. She promised me a  sewing assignment, just as the other lady did, as if they were trying to keep me interested. It was not the same as before, more capricious then ever. We only talked a bit and I was bussy keeping her of her favorite subject, Jesus. In the end one doesn’t keep Jehova witnesses away from their favorite subject. And than I thought:”If you want it this way, you can have it all the way.” Looking back on it, this is a spiteful thing to think. I felt like I was pushed into a corner, but that’s only a illusion. Only I can put me there through my feelings.

 

They always give you the same examples and I started to get annoyed and bored with them. They told me how great the love of God is and blah blah blah. So I stated:”There is no love, there exist no love and I do not “believe” in love.” Of course I freaked them out and in a way I enjoyed it. They asked me if I didn’t love my husband and my children. I said:”how can you ask me this after I explained equality to you. I love my husband and children as much as I love you, but I’m not calling it love. I call it equality.” And than I stated:” And I neither believe in the purpose of family”. Wow, I was brave, or should I say stupid? Family here in Italy is seen as more holy than the pope himself. Their minds were doing overtime and I saw how determent they were to convince me of how wrong and evil my thoughts were. Again I enjoyed it. Than the other lady said:” I love my son so much that I will cook his favorite food every lunch or dinner, that’s mother love.” I said to her:”No that’s self interest. You are in need for this feeling/energy to confirm that you’re a good mom, a person that nobody wants to miss. So you’re forcing your son into loving you, only because you need this warm feeling?” She totally disagreed of course and than she said:” I even make him his favorite food when I don’t want to, and that’s what strong love is.” I literally jumped on top of her and said:”That’s even worse!!” She looked at me as if I came from another planet. I said:”don’t you see what you’re doing? This is even worse than the first example you gave me.” She had really no clue, but the word self interest had done something inside her. She was shaken and not sure anymore. I said:”see how addicted you are to this energy of wanting to be a good mom. You even push through emotional resistances, which by the way are an illusion, just to get your energy shot.”  Than she said after taking in the whole conversation of today:” How you put it, it sounds like I’m a robot. No no no I’m not a robot.” I reminded her of a previous conversation in which she had concluded the same. She couldn’t recall it, she said. She was puzzled and the other was holding firm on to her bible.They changed subject and said that it was already late and they had to go home. It was obvious that I stirred their emotions/feelings around and maybe I had been effective within this conversation, but my starting point was all wrong. I started the conversation because I was annoyed and bored with them and I felt guilt for not standing when she handed me the bible a few weeks ago. In a strange way I was getting even with them and even enjoyed it. So that’s not what equality is all about and this didn’t make the equality equation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not standing as life and taking the bible from R. instead of telling her up front that I’m not interested in her bible or religion nor participating within any religion.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was no way out and therefore had to take the bible from R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the acceptance of this bible with a possible way to show R. how wrong she is.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to encourage R. to the point that she wants to save me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that R. and her friends can’t just be clients I have to listen to their religious propaganda.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not entirely stand therefore R. is feeling my resistance. The resistance of wanting to keep them as clients, but not wanting to talk religious stuff anymore, because we’re heading nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to confront R. with her dishonesty to keep her happy as my client. Instead of being equal to her and not accepting this bullshit from her I stood in inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts towards R. And justified these thoughts with the idea that she had been asking for the treatment I gave her.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pushed into a corner, knowing that these feelings are not real, although I acted on these feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed and bored with R. and her friend instead of seeing that I was annoyed and bored with myself for not standing as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy freaking R. and her friend out, instead of being one and equal to them. Not willing to see that they are in a self delusional phase of process and therefore it’s impossible to communicate at the same level at this moment in the here. with them

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek this energetic charge out of this encounter.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about me not standing within conversations with R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy getting even with R. and her friend, knowing that I was as responsable as them for the situation we created.

 

When and as I see myself participate in seeking energy from conversations with R. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m directing me and not the energy such as annoyance or boredom. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within this pattern of energy seeking.

 

When and as I see myself participate within the feeling of being the victim and not able to direct myself. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that I can direct myself and do not have to participate within these religious conversations to keep R. and her friends as my clients. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within the pattern of being the victim instead of being my own directive force. So I will no longer participate within their religion through talking to them and feeding their need to save me.