Sylvia's writing to freedom

Multitasking or not? 11/05/2011

It’s already my third or fourth blog on this subject, however the point is opening up now and revealing more of its origin. It’s the point of learning Italian. I really wanted to start with translating English into Italian, but I have to realise that it was a desire that blew myself back into reality. I’m simply not ready to translate without totally being corrected afterwards. The idea I had formed was tempting, I figured that through translating the language of equality I would become able to write and speak the equality language in Italian. Just immediately skipping the unequal words so I won’t have to deal with so much word definitions as I would have by learning the language as it is within daily life society.

I noticed again that I didn’t progress with my understanding or speaking of the Italian language. One day I sat in the car and decided to trace the heavy feeling that accompanied my lack of progress. The word laziness popped up right away, I was surprised, within my perception I’ve been working and trying real hard to master  the language. That’s in fact so true, I’ve been moving myself as if I walked through a swamp. Heavy and almost too much effort to enjoy it any longer. I felt resistance and didn’t recognize that it was me holding me back.

I also felt ashamed for being lazy. There are so many things I put lots of effort in and those things succeed, progress. So if I’m lazy on this point that means that I do not take fully my responsibility. Ouch, that hurts, not fully taking my responsibility means that also ego is interfering within this point. Mmmm, I wasn’t expecting to find ego within this point of struggling to master a new language. So I’m not fully taking my responsibility while swimming up the mud flows and not getting any further. I must have known that there was something smelling fishy.

Then I read a chat with Bernard and saw his words saying that one cannot study and absorb information while having a back chat about it. This was just the nail on his head. Not that I was yet fully admitting it to myself, but I had noticed that I had a hard time absorbing the materials in order to learn the language. Bernard’s words meant that we cannot do 2 things at the time and when we have a back chat running then all is inferior to that. So when the back chat is running there is no ability to learn the Italian language.

Therefore I had to look into my back chat, what kind of back chat do I have about the Italian language. Wow, I’d better not ask myself, because that was the mud flow I was swimming against. My back chat was the following: Why should I learn a language when I have to talk bullshit and weather talk with people I do not want to talk with in the first place. Why should I learn the language of a country that has an asshole like Berlusconi in power, a population that puts the pope and television above common sense, a nation that is fucked up within religion and tradition. Do I want to compromise myself with such a country by learning and speaking the language of fascists?

So I have extensive back chat about the language and criticism about the nation and population, yet I do want to live in Italy and enjoy living in a small town in Central Italy. That’s quite dishonest to say the least and really something to tackle. If Italian society is making me puke, where do I need to go and find a country to live where the principle of what’s best for all is already applied for 100%? I better get the hell on with learning the language to become effective and able to be part of the change. The change that no matter what, will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boycot myself by preferring to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to speak and write the Italian language in such an extent that I can be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest and not really wanting to learn the language for spiteful reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards Italians and Italy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully take my responsibility when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and lazy and not wanting to see that it’s the back chat I’m dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego have a say in learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my laziness when it comes to learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the back chat about the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak/write equality Italian.

Advertisements
 

The potato 12/12/2010

Today I investigated one of the foods that is giving me a lot of mucus recently and that’s the potato. I’ve been avoiding eating it, but in order to try it again I need to find out what definition I am giving to the potato. So I can forgive myself and apply corrective statements and live accordingly.

I muscle communicated the word typical and than typical Italian. I do not see the potato as typical Italian, so I need to search a bit more. I tested a book and found: I do think so. Okay does this mean that the potato is typical Italian? Yes. There are a lot of dishes with potatoes that’s for sure, but pasta is more typical I would say. Although gnocchi is a pasta and made out of potato. I really need more on this subject, it isn’t really making any sense. I tested again and one of the points is that I don’t see the potato as typical Italian. Jubilant is the feeling that tested out as next point. through the dictionary I came to the words “wild shout”. I have no idea. Than a book tested the following sentence: even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? The information is vast, I will pause for a moment and do some breathing and concentration.

Okay I started again and tested for the feeling: protective. Protective in the sense of tending to protect, but to protect what? Lets see, since I started of with an opinion “the potato isn’t typical Italian”, could it be that I tend to protect my opinions? It tested out for yes. Than I figured it was protecting my opinion in a general way, but I found out that in this case it had only to do with my opinion about the potato.

I’m protective of my opinion out of the fear of being unworthy and that makes me feel oppress. I feel the oppression right now and I have a lot of mucus too. So I feel unworthy, me as a person, and I’ll compensate this with having an opinion. The opinion I’ll use to  give me value, so looking for self validation out side of me, outside of me through my own created opinions. Even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? This is me asking myself this question. This potato opinion was “wrong” and yes I do know a better way to live. To live without fear and not searching for self validation outside of me through self created opinions. I will live if I let go of this opinion and I will still be me worthy of life when I choose life instead of dishonesty. So I need to be the directive principle again within this point, my Self is “wild shouting” to let me see that I need to be the directive principle of me. Only then I can grow in self-honesty and freely live. There is no need to freeze up within this opinion I just need to let go. I just now felt my muscles being tense and my body being inflexibel, wow what a resistance over holding on to an opinion.

Every day again I witness how I hold on to so many irrelevant issues with so much persistence. How silly and how surrealistic, but this is what holds every human in a grip. This inflexibility which no one exactly understands though feels and acts upon not knowing why. We all equally need to let go of this madness in order to sort out our world. This is obvious something that will take a while for everybody to see. I’m silent, I can take care of this one. I can take care of the next point, but I can’t take care of the points of others even though I can see that their points need equally as mine to be addressed. I will continue even with points that seem irrelevant when I look at a bigger picture as our current world, but every human being’s reflection in this world adds up to the mess we are in…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to protect my opinion about the potato even though I know it’s wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being unworthy, an unreal experience which makes me oppressed and gives me a lot of mucus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having this potato opinion will give me self worth, makes me somebody.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for self validation outside myself within opinions that aren’t real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to choose for dishonesty and to live within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard the “wild shout” of Self and kept on living within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest physically this holding on to this opinion.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be inflexibel and persistant within this fear of unworthiness.

 

Polenta and I, no best friends 30/11/2010

Today, within my food experiment, I added polenta (corn flour) to my diet. At breakfast I just had a carrot and a glass of water, there were too many things to do before I could start cooking polenta. So, around noon, I cooked some polenta and added some grated carrot into this massive substance. I muscle tested if I could use some salt and it tested out for yes. I figured in common sense that it wasn’t wise to just eat carrot and polenta and drinking quite some water and not add any salt. I do need to function during the day and I don’t want to feel physical weakness due to a lack of common sense. After the polenta was cooked I formed little cookies from it and baked them in the oven. Although I normally would have added more ingredients like cheese, garlic and herbs, the cookies tasted good. No resistances, because of the taste. I normally like food or don’t like it and polenta I do like, but only with a nice sauce on top of it.

There were no feelings of like and dislike while eating the cookies. After one cookie everything was fine, after the second my saliva became thicker and more in quantity. I think I ate 4 cookies for lunch and left the rest for the others and myself to eat during the afternoon. About half an hour after lunch I started to produce a lot of mucus, at a certain moment so much that I had to cough it away. Oh, and another thing, when I woke up this morning I felt light as if there was a burden fallen from my shoulders, I didn’t cough at all. I felt really great this morning. Over the last weeks it was as if I experienced my body through a thick layer of mucus. Not numb but having this cover of mucus around me. All feelings.I had this pain for the last week or so in my left shoulder blade. So this morning I was clear of the mucus, but the pain in my shoulder blade was more clear and present than ever (need to look into that one too).

After eating the polenta cookies, for more than 2 hours afterwards, I’ve been coughing and feeling stuffy from the mucus I produced. Therefore time to investigate, since I create all my physical reactions I must be able to stop them. Therefore I need to know if it is a physical reaction towards the polenta or a mindfuck towards the feelings/emotions/thoughts I have around the word polenta or the picture/memory of polenta. Ok, it’s the mindfuck which is creating a physical reaction, I confirmed it with muscle communication.

Before I always felt quite frustrated and even ashamed about all the mindfucks I had created and discovered. Now I see them for what they are and my only concern is to forgive myself, correct myself and apply it accordingly.

Now I will be testing if it’s a feeling/emotion/thought. It’s the emotion “proudly”. This isn’t ringing any bell. From emotions I went through the dictionary to the phrase “in other languages”, I still have no clue. After testing for a feeling to clear the previous words up, I came up with the feeling “worthy”. I asked a lot of questions and muscle tested them and found out that it is me being proudly and worthy about speaking other languages. In real life I’m the opposite, I do not feel proud on my achievements within learning and speaking other languages and not at all worthy. And than I realised what I was playing out, the polarity of being proud/disappointed and feeling worthy/unworthy when it comes to my “other languages” (English and Italian). In real life I’m disappointed and I feel unworthy about my achievements within languages. Within this polarity of feeling proud and worthy about my achievements within my languages I manifest this food allergy/reaction as the polarisation. Wow, what a mindfuck. So if I apply self forgiveness on this and correctively apply it within my daily life and become neutral within my feelings/emotions towards my languages I can diffuse this point. This isn’t a life long existing problem, if the point is really worked through and diffused I can test if I’m able to eat polenta again.

For tonight no polenta for me, but carrots for sure. I’m going to test for another type of food to eat together with the carrots. It’s turkey, so carrots with turkey for tonight it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about my achievements within learning new languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and therefore disappointed in me when it comes to speaking and writing Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy through my behavior of not really willing to learn Italian and therefore disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of proudly and disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of worthy and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the play out of this polenta food allergy/reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the part of being proudly and worthy and therefore not seeing the polarity being played out.

 

At a party 29/11/2010

It has been a while that I went to a party. Mostly I let myself get overwhelmed with the amount of people, not knowing where to stand within it. Being frustrated when I hadn’t been able to talk about the things that I considered as important and I felt disappointed and ineffective. All ingredients to cook up a disastrous recipe for a party.

This time the party was at my American friends house. That made a big difference within my perception, they are relax and easy people to hang out with. So today I was laid back and relaxed,  I committed myself to just be in the moment. It wasn’t very crowded with people, just 22 people. I did recognize some of the people and spoke with a lot of them, switching from speaking Italian to English to Dutch. I  switched quite easily between the languages, at first I didn’t noticed it. I didn’t feel this resistance I often felt while talking in Italian, I was here in the moment. In being here in the moment I was able to see with whom to talk about the weather and with whom to talk about more serious stuff. Both type of conversations were fine, just sharing myself in equality, something I wasn’t able to do before.

We sat during Sunday pranzo (Italian lunch) together with another couple at the same table. They were relaxed and open to get to know each other. After exchanging the usual information and topics I saw that I could freely speak to this lady about Desteni related topics so I slowly but surely did. I spoke with her in Italian, the one language where I have the most insecurities on. Before I knew it, I was explaining/sharing quite complex information to/with her. Than she said: “You think your Italian is lousy, but look how we are discussing” and she was right I was capable of having a conversation!

The point of feeling less than the Italian language, which I had been taking on recently had the effect of being able to see the language as a neutral point. Being one and equal to it, nothing more and nothing less. So simple and so effective. I had a great time at a party and that was long ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when being at a party, instead of seeing that feelings are of the mind and keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let feelings keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I didn’t spoke about important things while being around people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see certain conversation topics as less than other topics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and ineffective when I didn’t speak about important things to people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider a party at J&A as relaxed and easy, while other parties are considered as stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when speaking Italian.

 

Italian lesson 25/11/2010

Tuesday was the evening that I together with our American friends had decided to finally start Italian lessons with my partner P. as a teacher. Tuesday evening A. called to say that they had made a lot of pasta with Italian friends and that they were supposed to eat dinner with them. She asked if we could reschedule the lesson to another moment this week? P. suggested Thursday evening at nine to give it another shot and he confirmed it with a text message. Tonight it’s Thursday and around nine o’clock nobody showed up, at 9:16 we sent a text message and tried to call. No response what so ever. I made Tuesday already the commitment to start with the lessons no matter what, it’s time to direct myself and not using somebody else as an excuse. So P. and I did the lesson.

P. checked my verbs, but they were almost non existing. I know bits and peaces, therefore within a few minutes I’m totally lost. From now on I’ve to use every spare moment to study my verbs. I’ll be looking within my daily life to determine which verbs are used more by me than others, to make a ranked list from which I’ll be doing my studying. I’ll also be looking in my day to day life to see what kind of sentences I’m not able to make in order to ask for help. When I do have a little bit more of a base, I’ll be chatting with some of our friends on the internet. In order to get more practise in writing spoken language and to achieve some what more depth within my language than I had before while talking to the ladies of my village. It’s all communication, but I will not be focussing on dialect and housekeeping idiom from now on.

I didn’t had this overwhelming feeling or the feeling of suppressing the overwhelmed feeling tonight. I was able to be equal to the language. Although I did speak out loud where I didn’t have any clou of what P. was talking. This way I directly confronted myself with the issues I had to face. When I did some exercises with P. I noticed that the mucus on my vocal cords became more and more. I didn’t feel less than the language, but I experienced a feeling of almost not being able to complete the sentences through lack of information/knowledge. It was hard to grasp the words P. spoke and I had to put in a lot of effort, till I realised that this is what the situation is. I have to work with what is here and if it’s not much than I have to realise that and not get stressed or disappointed about it. That way it won’t push me further and I’m only able to go further, there is never ever a way back. So the mucus decreased and I started to translate all kinds of sentences P. gave me, as far as I was able. The kids started to give me all kinds of hints and we enjoyed ourselves.

I still have a long way to go, but one day I’ll be ready and at that point I’ll have access to the language and the culture through my own effort. I’ll never be one of them, because the Italians will always refere to me as “the Dutch lady” as so many foreigners who went before me. I do have Italian roots, something that’s really important to the people here. To me it’s no more than a nice family story as any other story. I’ll see them as my equals, treat them equally and do what’s best for all.

I’ve been struggling with the fact if I should do video’s also in Italian. In the end we need to communicate in one and the same language and that will be English. I saw right a way how that was a nice distraction of my mind to talk me out of doing video’s in Italian and not to study too hard on my Italian language. I got you mind!

 

Synthetic fragrances 14/11/2010

Today I was watching video’s and in the meanwhile I removed a broken zipper out of a dress. The dress was lying on my lap and at a certain moment I wondered what that strong fragrance was. Looking around I noticed that the fragrance came from under my nose. The dress I was repairing had been washed with an amount of washing powder for at least a hundred of these dresses. After sewing the new zipper in, I ironed the dress. The heat reinforced the strong fragrance and by then my nose was filled with the soap scent. When my partner P. came into the room, he said:”What’s smelling so strong and awful in here?” At first I looked at him as if he was speaking Chinese, than I realised that the fragrance had spread through the room.

Here in Italy you can smell immediately when your neighbour has done the laundry, it simply fills the air. After 4 years Italy I cannot remember if the fragrance of the washing powder is stronger here than in Holland. Italians simply use bigger amounts of powder I think, we Dutch people are known for our stinginess so that might be the difference. When we have children over to play we smell them even when they are gone. It’s mostly a fresh fragrance and at least it’s not a heavy sweat scent. Though within this last sentence I can clearly see that this is a polarity of good and bad. The soap fragrance is good and the sweat scent is bad, but in essence they are one of a kind. Both when strong and in big amounts disgusting, both when applied mildly nice and fresh.

I react towards soap fragrances as well as P.. It’s not only soap, also perfume or room/toilet fragrances, deodorant, cleaning soaps etcetera. Reacting is revealing, so I dug into my past to see why I was reacting.

Within my conspiracy and health period I gathered information about fragrances. Synthetic fragrances are bad for ones health, therefore it’s better to avoid them. My mind labeled them as BAD and dangerous. Commercials keep on telling us that fragrances are signs of freshness and cleanness. That’s been taught to me from a young age. Drying yourself with a fresh and clean smelling towel feels nice. Sleeping under your clean washed sheets feels safe and cosy.

It looks like there are two definitions labeled at the same word within my mind and they are active at the same time. The fragrances give me this feeling of nostalgia and at the same time I feel that I’m endangering myself by staying in this fragrance. A struggle so to speak where the feelings according to survival are winning. This results in: doing the laundry with none scented products and no synthetic fragrances in the house. Am I limiting myself here?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to label synthetic fragrances as bad and a endangering for my health.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when laundry has a synthetic fragrance it’s clean.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that make believe cleanness can make me feel safe and cosy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to struggle with two definitions of one word at the same time, which creates chaos and unnecessary struggle that leads to nowhere which takes me out of reality without taking any responsibility and not directing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not use any synthetic fragrance products out of fear to become sick.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of survival when there isn’t a real threat for life and death.

I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I stop, I breathe. I realise that it’s just a scent and only the thoughts of “bad for my health” can make me sick. I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I will simply be neutral and notice if it’s a strong scent or a mild one without extreme reactions towards it. I breathe and direct myself.

 

How can I not see the importance? 09/11/2010

How can I not see the importance of learning Italian? For quite some time now, to be precise 4 years, I’ve been doing a lot of smooth talking about why I wasn’t able to learn Italian on a certain level. The importance to learn Italian is now unfolding to me more and more. How could I be so blind? Through writing this question out, I see that I’m blaming myself knowing that blaming won’t turn back the clock and isn’t an action of self direction.

Before we immigrated I did a course for about one and a half year in Holland. We mainly learned how to be able to speak Italian on a holiday, so I had a base, but it didn’t provide me with a practical use of the language for day to day living. So I labeled the course as insufficient and not what I was looking for. Finger pointing of course and shoving off responsibility. Since many years I tell myself that I don’t have a big talent for learning languages, like my mom. It’s obvious that I lived this opinion, but I haven’t changed anything about it till so far.

I was told that most villages in Italy have free Italian courses. The town we moved to didn’t have the courses anymore. I started to study my old books again and used dvd’s from a friend, but I didn’t have any real commitment. Than a friend of us, who is also school teacher, was willing to give private lessons twice a week. I did this for about a year, my Italian improved, but still no 100% commitment and I had really high expectations of myself. Of course I didn’t live up to my expectations, so back to blaming myself again. Useless of course and again not a real motivation to direct myself. We moved to another village and I started free lessons at the town hall twice a week. I met a lot of nice people who were in my class, but I didn’t learn anything new and I started to get bored with the lessons. A total lack of responsibility here. It’s me who has to make such an event into something worthwhile for me, I can’t just blame the teacher. The next year I didn’t go and used an excuse to not have to disappoint the teacher. During this year I didn’t do anything with the language except for speaking it in public and getting corrected by my partner P. all the time. I hated it, because he was constantly confronting me with my lack of effort to learn Italian. I started to dislike the language, made stupid comments about it, only to hide my sense of inferiority towards this language. Last September I decided that I couldn’t go on like this anymore, I’m frustrating myself and my surroundings. People do not easily start a conversation with me except for the weather and housekeeping issues. I feel like a four year old when trying to express myself. Till now I wasn’t willing to let my partner P. lecture me. He’s almost a native speaker and likes to teach, SO WHY DON’T YOU WORK WITH WHAT’S HERE? Excuses and excuses. I cannot be taught by my spouse, we probably will get into an argument. BLA BLA BLA. Maybe  he doesn’t want to teach me? All future projections. So I didn’t allow any bullshit anymore and I asked P. if he was willing to teach me. Yes, why not he said. I also asked our American friends A&J to join the lessons, they can also use some language boost. For me it’s perfect to team up with them and at the same time while learning Italian I learn some more English. They liked the idea to do it in a group to feel some more responsibility towards the group to keep the level up and do our homework.

Since A&J are not available for lessons till half November, P. and I decided to start already in October. The first time went pretty well, I did some tests to show P. at what level I’m exactly at. At the end our daughter A. started to interfere and laughed about my mistakes and the sentences in the book that were all wrong on purpose. I realised that my ego was bruised, it was like I had competed with her and lost. I noticed myself to becoming crossed with her. Something she didn’t deserve. I asked her not to be like that. Horrible now I come to think of it. I forbid her to express herself, because my ego was too big. The second time went well till the point that P. said: “Your verbs are lousy, you simply need to learn them”. My mind wanted to shut down and I started yawning. Learning my verbs means putting in effort and full commitment, which I’m clearly not planning to do yet. The third time we postponed it and I deliberately did not think about it that week. The fourth time we simply didn’t do it and this evening I’m writing out my pattern. Next week A&J will join in and I want to be ready without any resistances.

I feel like I can not be trusted if it comes to this point. I let this point disable me to work as an interior designer like I did in Holland. I let it disable me to get a nice job, to build up a social network, to express myself, to do my own translations of my articles, to do video’s in Italian, to be ready for politics or awareness building within society. I disabled myself to be an effective being within the system. How can I promote an Equal Money System here in Italy when I’m not being able to express myself in Italian? I can imagine, Berlusconi asking me all kinds of nasty questions and I’m not able to answer any of it, a big laughing audience to complete the whole scene.

I muscle tested wich underlying emotion was causing my resistance and I tested out for; lowness. Meaning: in a low position, low value, inferiority towards the language. Also the emotion; suppressed tested out. Meaning suppressing these emotions of lowness and expressing this in nonchalance and lack of a 100% commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to see how much was depending on me learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself while knowing that blaming is not a solution in itself. Self direction and self honesty will make me act and move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to finger point at the Dutch course while not taking any responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m the same as my mom and not good at learning languages. Therefore I lived this believe/opinion while it wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change my opinion about me being bad at languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad when it comes to learning languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed about the fact that there was no Italian course within our village.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a 100% commitment when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have high expectations of myself while I never tested those expectations in reality, therefore I was measuring myself according to a idea.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being good enough and not living up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bored with the free Italian lessons and not taking any responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my lack of participation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use an excuse to say no to the free Italian lessons, instead of being transparent and honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being corrected by P. while in fact I was being confronted with my lack of commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dislike the Italian language to hide my feeling of inferiority towards the language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to frustrate myself and my surroundings and put myself in a lower position within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with what is here when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project all kinds of ideas into the future about what could have happend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my ego was bruised while A. made some comments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself for being in  a competition with A. when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be crossed with A. because she was expressing herself and my ego couldn’t handle it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yawn when I’m confronted with the lack of commitment when it comes to learning my verbs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone the lessons because I didn’t feel like doing them due to my resistances. As if my resistances are a valuable excuse to not do the lessons.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be trusted with this language point and therefore disabling myself to be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of lowness and suppressing this emotion of lowness. Wherein the outflow of this all is the lack of commitment and a nonchalant attitude towards learning the language.

I will no longer suppress the emotion of lowness and be inferior to the Italian language, because I realise that I’m sabotaging myself and my effectiveness within society with this behavior. Therefore I breathe an stop and will no longer participate within this pattern.