Sylvia's writing to freedom

Multitasking or not? 11/05/2011

It’s already my third or fourth blog on this subject, however the point is opening up now and revealing more of its origin. It’s the point of learning Italian. I really wanted to start with translating English into Italian, but I have to realise that it was a desire that blew myself back into reality. I’m simply not ready to translate without totally being corrected afterwards. The idea I had formed was tempting, I figured that through translating the language of equality I would become able to write and speak the equality language in Italian. Just immediately skipping the unequal words so I won’t have to deal with so much word definitions as I would have by learning the language as it is within daily life society.

I noticed again that I didn’t progress with my understanding or speaking of the Italian language. One day I sat in the car and decided to trace the heavy feeling that accompanied my lack of progress. The word laziness popped up right away, I was surprised, within my perception I’ve been working and trying real hard to master  the language. That’s in fact so true, I’ve been moving myself as if I walked through a swamp. Heavy and almost too much effort to enjoy it any longer. I felt resistance and didn’t recognize that it was me holding me back.

I also felt ashamed for being lazy. There are so many things I put lots of effort in and those things succeed, progress. So if I’m lazy on this point that means that I do not take fully my responsibility. Ouch, that hurts, not fully taking my responsibility means that also ego is interfering within this point. Mmmm, I wasn’t expecting to find ego within this point of struggling to master a new language. So I’m not fully taking my responsibility while swimming up the mud flows and not getting any further. I must have known that there was something smelling fishy.

Then I read a chat with Bernard and saw his words saying that one cannot study and absorb information while having a back chat about it. This was just the nail on his head. Not that I was yet fully admitting it to myself, but I had noticed that I had a hard time absorbing the materials in order to learn the language. Bernard’s words meant that we cannot do 2 things at the time and when we have a back chat running then all is inferior to that. So when the back chat is running there is no ability to learn the Italian language.

Therefore I had to look into my back chat, what kind of back chat do I have about the Italian language. Wow, I’d better not ask myself, because that was the mud flow I was swimming against. My back chat was the following: Why should I learn a language when I have to talk bullshit and weather talk with people I do not want to talk with in the first place. Why should I learn the language of a country that has an asshole like Berlusconi in power, a population that puts the pope and television above common sense, a nation that is fucked up within religion and tradition. Do I want to compromise myself with such a country by learning and speaking the language of fascists?

So I have extensive back chat about the language and criticism about the nation and population, yet I do want to live in Italy and enjoy living in a small town in Central Italy. That’s quite dishonest to say the least and really something to tackle. If Italian society is making me puke, where do I need to go and find a country to live where the principle of what’s best for all is already applied for 100%? I better get the hell on with learning the language to become effective and able to be part of the change. The change that no matter what, will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boycot myself by preferring to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to speak and write the Italian language in such an extent that I can be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest and not really wanting to learn the language for spiteful reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards Italians and Italy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully take my responsibility when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heavy and lazy and not wanting to see that it’s the back chat I’m dealing with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego have a say in learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about my laziness when it comes to learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the back chat about the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak/write equality Italian.

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Porca Madonna, this has to end now. 24/01/2011

I’m still struggling with the question why or how it is that I do not make any progress within learning Italian. Since my SRA-group is going to do a module of mins constructs I figured I could as well do a mind construct on this question. The word mind construct gives me a discomfortable feeling and a feeling of “am I capable of doing mind constructs?”. So I looked briefly into this and saw that when I did mind constructs within my SRA course I was at this breaking point of my course, which resulted in reticence and having to do a lot of material in less time than it was supposed to. In that period I doubted myself tremendous, so I can see now that this memory of discomfort has been attached by me onto the word mind constructs. I did a mind construct as I said and it took me 2 days in between all other to do jobs. I felt resistance, but I pushed through. In this blog I share the story that I found out after doing some ranting&raving, timeline/mind construct, self-forgiveness and self corrective statement.

Porca Madonna, which is written in the title is Italian for: Jesus, shit, fuck etc.

I always used my non existing motivation to learn the Italian language as a excuse. I was never been in Italy till I met my partner P. and we spend our first holiday together on the Italian island Sardinia. Since then and since I met P. who lived his entire youth in Italy I felt more special for having Italian DNA. To me this holiday and all the others that followed in Italy was an easy way to discover a country and it’s culture now I had my own interpreter with me. I was quite manipulative in getting what I wanted and always getting P. to be the interpreter so we had special treatments. I had no reason to learn the Italian language, my in-laws lived about 16 years in Italy but were Dutch and we communicated in Dutch. So I had no intend to put effort in learning Italian, learning a language just for the fun of it wasn’t my idea of having fun. It went even further I was convinced that I was genetically not capable of learning languages on a normal or high level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having no internal motive to learn Italian would be a valid excuse to never investigate in learning the language. Instead of taking my responsibility and seeing that without the language I’m making life impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special due to my Italian DNA which doesn’t give me a special gift to speak Italian without learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my in-laws for speaking Dutch and therefore not giving me a purpose or motive to study the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for speaking Italian and therefore not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate P. into an interpreter role so I didn’t have to take responsibility for  learning/speaking the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that learning a language isn’t fun. Instead of seeing that it was the feeling of not wanting to put much effort into this learning out of the belief that without internal motive I didn’t had to go into great effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m genetically incapable of learning a language. I identify here with my mother who has never accomplished to learn another language effective and I do not identify with my father who learns other languages really easy.

For many years P. tried to evoke me to learn Italian, but I resisted it and never took the bait. I felt deep down the urge to show P. that I was intelligent enough to learn the language if I had to. In the summer of 2000 we went as a family with both kids again to Sardinia and P. was a bit fed up with being my interpreter and asked me when I ever would learn Italian myself. I said: “you’ll never know.” We made some sort of a bet out of it which let my ego take the bait so I could show of my intelligence and I no longer had to feel the opposite as in incapable of learning languages. When we came home from our holiday I started looking for an Italian course. A lot of institutes offered only private lessons an charged large amounts of money for it. Since I only was honouring the bet I made I saw no reason and value to put a lot of effort or money in it. Eventually I found a lady who taught groups and private Italian lessons at her house. Her prices were reasonable so I registered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself why I started learning Italian without any internal motivation and blaming already before starting that I would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t take the bait after P. evoked me, while my ego wanted to proof itself and show of that I was intelligent enough to do such a language study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take any responsibility for the consequences once I would start learning the language., it didn’t only involve me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an ego polarity, wanting to show of and on the other hand feeling really insecure due to my beliefs about learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify starting to learn a language out of a bet and blaming my ego of forcing me into learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to search for a language institute and listening to my ego that told me I couldn’t back out of it anymore, too much shame to admit I didn’t wanted to learn the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend too much money on the lessons since I didn’t really saw the real value of learning Italian.

This lady was married to an Italian man and had lived for many years in Italy, she had already a little group of ladies who were about to start so I could start along with them. For 1.5 year I attended once a week these lessons and made my homework. I became good at written Italian, but my spoken Italian was still a disaster. This didn’t make me feel really thrilled about learning Italian. I felt shame while speaking the language and being afraid to make mistakes.  My first holiday in Italy, Napels, after a year of Italian lessons was a disaster. I couldn’t understand what the people were saying due to the dialect spoken in this region. It confirmed me in my believe that it was of no use that I took these lessons and that same winter I did quit my lessons. I stopped the lessons when my interior design business started blooming. I used it as an excuse to stop the lessons, in fact I was bored with it and I saw almost no progress within me and feared not being good enough to continue, I simply didn’t want to face the point behind this point. At that time it was only me and another lady who were still taking lessons, all the others had already stopped. I felt bad for the lady that was left alone, when I left the course thai meant to her that her lessons became private lessons and therefore more expensive then before. I felt guilty for the fact that I hadn’t been responsible enough when I started the course out of winning a bet and no real motivation and that another had to pay the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a situation in which I felt I couldn’t get out anymore since I had initiated it. I saw this as taking responsibility but in fact I was affecting other people with my behavior of not standing and being my own directing principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. I was good in written Italian and bad at integrating this into spoken language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame while speaking Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking Italian out of shame and not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes within the Italian language and feeling stupid for it and in the end not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dialects and to not understand what they were saying, not understanding my world which I believed would ultimate led to isolation within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking Italian lessons were of no use when i couldn’t understand Italians in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify quitting my Italian lessons with too much work within my interior design business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not facing my core problem with being bored within the lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not making any progress with my Italian lessons through self sabotaging with the purpose of separating myself from the system/society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self through self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad by fearing not being good enough and manifesting being good enough in the fact that I was so good to take on these lessons without wanting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not taking any responsibility with feeling bad for the other student.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more and seeing it as okay to start a course and then stop it without taking responsibility for the consequences of the whole. Me stopping with the lessons meant for the other student that she had no other choice then paying more or also quit.

After stopping this course I didn’t really look at the materials anymore. A few years later when we decided to immigrate to Italy I tried to pick up my lessons again and study my books which I still had. I still felt no motivation and felt dizzy and bored with the material, which was already a sign that I still wasn’t able to face myself within this point. I blamed the books for not being practical enough and only focussing on vocabulary for holidays. I decided that once I was in Italy and exposed to the language daily I would learn quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not benefit at all from my lessons even after I had stopped and again needed the materials/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not ready to face myself within learning languages even though I was immigrating and needing the Italian language more than ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dizzy and bored and not wanting to see that this was me saying to myself that it was a matter of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the books for me not learning the language effectively instead of seeing that I was sabotaging myself and started manifesting that what I feared the most, being excluded out of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blief that once exposed to the language daily I would in a miraculously way learn Italian.

In Italy we first lived in a isolated zone, my neighbors lived at least 1 km away from us. I had contact with my neighbors and spoke to other moms in front of school, but that wasn’t enough to really learn the language. After a while I started to carpool with my neighbor to bring and pick up our kids at school. Every morning she had breakfast in the bar with her girlfriends and we drank coffee. These ladies spoke in dialect and my Italian basics weren’t in place yet to easily learn also the dialect of this region. The conversations were boring and continually the same. I started disgusting these ladies and seeing them as stupid and uneducated while in fact I was facing myself within it all. My course in Holland gave me a vocabulary of a tourist and these ladies gave me the vocabulary of a house wife. I felt myself more than that and stared studying Italian at home with the help of DVD’s. I became good in answering the questions, but couldn’t apply it in real life it simply didn’t sink in. I started to become a bit desperate and thinking that I would never learn the language at a normal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to live isolated and not seeing that I was slowly but surely isolating me from myself and no longer willing to take part of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others who I talked with, that through conversation with them I didn’t learn the language as fast as I had imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust the ladies with whom I drank coffee every day in the bar. I saw them as stupid and uneducated, not seeing that I was projecting my disgust for myself on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame learning the dialect of the region for not having my Italian basics into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons for making a tourist out of me and blaming the ladies for making a house wife out of me due to the vocabulary they learned me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the vocabulary I learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the dvd’s for not being effective while I only wanted to lern the language by my own without support or assistance of others and not seeing that my starting point was self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t apply my learned information within real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the information didn’t sink in and not seeing that this was due to me sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate in learning the language. I felt there was something off, but not yet willing to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I would never learn Italian at a normal level.

Then 1 of the elementary school teachers offered me private Italian lessons twice a week for a reasonable price. I went to her house for a year and then she didn’t have much time to continue. I loved working with her, we became friends. I was glad that I was able to get other friends then the ladies. I really learned more then before, but still wasn’t at a level where I could unconditionally express myself. During this time I started writing Italian poems which I really liked doing. It was a practical application of the language. Together with P. I perfected the poems into understandable Italian and I really learned a lot while bumping into problems with the language and seeing my gabs within the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special that a school teacher offered me to teach Italian lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy for being her friend. I didn’t feel good being the friend of the ladies I drank coffee with and by being her friend I participated within the polarity of good and bad. I wanted to feel more with the teacher friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher friend for not having enough time anymore to teach me so I didn’t had to face that I wasn’t progressing anymore that much as I liked due to my self sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself while writing Italian poems. It pleased me when I found out that my teacher liked them and it gave me the security that she wanted me still as friend. With her as friend I would keep feeling good about myself, with the other friends I experienced the disgust I felt about myself for all that I’ve been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t work together with P. while he was teaching me.

I still lived quite isolated and had not much practise in talking the language. Then we moved to another village and I did my groceries daily and spoke with the lady of the grocery store to practise my language. She spoke in dialect and poor Italian, so I had again to adjust myself to learn another dialect before really knowing the language well. This lady told me about Italian lessons that were given at the town hall for free. So I did a year Italian lessons twice a week, the level of the lessons was extremely low, I blamed it on the teacher who didn’t use a book or gave any homework to work with at home. I came to learn a lot of other foreign people and the teacher used my knowledge of the English and Dutch language to communicate with her other students. I didn’t gain any new knowledge of the Italian language and labeled the course as useless and therefore didn’t attend the next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady of the grocery store for talking dialect. Not seeing that my memories about dialect and the fear for exclusion where attached to this new experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the town hall lessons as a extremely low level for wanting to feel myself better within this experience of not feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for not really being committed out of the fact that she didn’t use a book to work from or give any homework. I’m my own directive principle and it’s up to me if I do homework or expand on the information given by the teacher, blaming the teacher is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for using me as interpreter between the Dutch and English students and herself. I felt that I was giving but wasn’t receiving and not working within the equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t gain any new knowledge from the town hall lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher her lousiness for not attending the next year.

Last summer I came again to the conclusion that if I wanted to integrate and make my life work here I have to learn the language at a higher level. I always refused to study the language with P. as my teacher, but decided that this belief is bullshit. So I asked our American friends who also needed a boost in their Italian language to join me. It would give the three of us some more pressure to keep up with the lessons in the best interest of the group. I attended the lessons, but P. had a lot of attention for A&J and I sat there being present and answering some questions once in a while. Even my son J. picked up that the lessons were not for the tree of us, but more for our American friends. It started demotivating me and blamed the fact that it didn’t feel practical to me and I couldn’t really apply it in my daily life, on P.. It started to feel like a pattern because it felt the same as most of the other lessons I already had done and was only searching for a justification to stop with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not being able to work equally with me while teaching and therefore I didn’t use his support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify inviting my American friend to join the lessons due to needing outside stimuli to be motivated to study Italian. I wasn’t taking responsibility and searching already for something or someone to blame before it went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the lessons already before they ever started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for getting more attention and not seeing that I in essence was jealous on them for getting attention for their real motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for feeling excluded while I was projecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my demotivation for the lessons by stating that I had no motivation to start with, but that’s not taking responsibility and denying my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons of P. for not being practical and not applicable in reality, while that’s just justifying my behaviour for not wanting to learn Italian and not wanting to be faced with the real points why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of not taking responsibility and not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a justification to stop with the lessons.

Today while talking to P. the subject of the Italian lessons came up and I told him how I felt that it isn’t working for me. It need to be more practical for me, I said. P. was already thinking about making the lessons more practical, but for me I was already done with it. I felt emotions arising while speaking and I started crying. It was a really overwhelming feeling that came over me and in that moment I saw that I was denying life to myself. I was sabotaging my current life in Italy. By keeping myself at this low level within the language I was making it impossible for me to progress in whatever direction. Every time it had been me who was stopping a new attempt to learn the language. This fits also smoothly in with my attempt to escape the system/society by placing me financially outside the system and separating myself from it. I know that I’m capable of learning Italian, by just doing it and applying the language in things that I like doing. I already had experienced how fast that went. I’ve seen my progression within the English language too, just by doing it and facing it in reality. Why am I not doing this with the Italian language? I started to translate my articles on my WTF-blog in Italian, but that was still too difficult and P. didn’t have the time to sit next to me and help translating the articles. So he did it for me, I read them but didn’t learn much from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for the fact that his Italian lessons are not working for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not giving practical aplicable lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by taking on a too difficult translating job and then feeling worthless and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not having enough time to sit with me and help me translate my articles in Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility by letting P. translate my articles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for translating my articles so I didn’t learn anything from it and wasn’t able to experience it for myself within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of wanting to quit and not face myself which made me already quit before I even started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by crying instead of being a woman and to see what I had caused by not taking responsibility and separating myself from me and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when I saw what it was I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny life to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure I wasn’t going to make real progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop every new attempt to learn Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me to in the end diminish myself.

I probably have to kick my ass and apply the language practically till I’m at a level that it is enough to express myself and speak to others without frustration. Frustration with myself within the language and being confronted with my self created limitations.

By separating myself from myself I was bussy diminishing myself and I felt even good about it. Porca Madonna this has to end this is too much abuse!

When an as I see myself participating within this pattern of separation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that this pattern is directing me

and I’m not my own directive force anymore. I will no longer participate within his pattern knowing where it is going to lead me and I don’t want to abuse myself through diminishing myself. I stop and I breathe.

 

Italian lesson 25/11/2010

Tuesday was the evening that I together with our American friends had decided to finally start Italian lessons with my partner P. as a teacher. Tuesday evening A. called to say that they had made a lot of pasta with Italian friends and that they were supposed to eat dinner with them. She asked if we could reschedule the lesson to another moment this week? P. suggested Thursday evening at nine to give it another shot and he confirmed it with a text message. Tonight it’s Thursday and around nine o’clock nobody showed up, at 9:16 we sent a text message and tried to call. No response what so ever. I made Tuesday already the commitment to start with the lessons no matter what, it’s time to direct myself and not using somebody else as an excuse. So P. and I did the lesson.

P. checked my verbs, but they were almost non existing. I know bits and peaces, therefore within a few minutes I’m totally lost. From now on I’ve to use every spare moment to study my verbs. I’ll be looking within my daily life to determine which verbs are used more by me than others, to make a ranked list from which I’ll be doing my studying. I’ll also be looking in my day to day life to see what kind of sentences I’m not able to make in order to ask for help. When I do have a little bit more of a base, I’ll be chatting with some of our friends on the internet. In order to get more practise in writing spoken language and to achieve some what more depth within my language than I had before while talking to the ladies of my village. It’s all communication, but I will not be focussing on dialect and housekeeping idiom from now on.

I didn’t had this overwhelming feeling or the feeling of suppressing the overwhelmed feeling tonight. I was able to be equal to the language. Although I did speak out loud where I didn’t have any clou of what P. was talking. This way I directly confronted myself with the issues I had to face. When I did some exercises with P. I noticed that the mucus on my vocal cords became more and more. I didn’t feel less than the language, but I experienced a feeling of almost not being able to complete the sentences through lack of information/knowledge. It was hard to grasp the words P. spoke and I had to put in a lot of effort, till I realised that this is what the situation is. I have to work with what is here and if it’s not much than I have to realise that and not get stressed or disappointed about it. That way it won’t push me further and I’m only able to go further, there is never ever a way back. So the mucus decreased and I started to translate all kinds of sentences P. gave me, as far as I was able. The kids started to give me all kinds of hints and we enjoyed ourselves.

I still have a long way to go, but one day I’ll be ready and at that point I’ll have access to the language and the culture through my own effort. I’ll never be one of them, because the Italians will always refere to me as “the Dutch lady” as so many foreigners who went before me. I do have Italian roots, something that’s really important to the people here. To me it’s no more than a nice family story as any other story. I’ll see them as my equals, treat them equally and do what’s best for all.

I’ve been struggling with the fact if I should do video’s also in Italian. In the end we need to communicate in one and the same language and that will be English. I saw right a way how that was a nice distraction of my mind to talk me out of doing video’s in Italian and not to study too hard on my Italian language. I got you mind!

 

How can I not see the importance? 09/11/2010

How can I not see the importance of learning Italian? For quite some time now, to be precise 4 years, I’ve been doing a lot of smooth talking about why I wasn’t able to learn Italian on a certain level. The importance to learn Italian is now unfolding to me more and more. How could I be so blind? Through writing this question out, I see that I’m blaming myself knowing that blaming won’t turn back the clock and isn’t an action of self direction.

Before we immigrated I did a course for about one and a half year in Holland. We mainly learned how to be able to speak Italian on a holiday, so I had a base, but it didn’t provide me with a practical use of the language for day to day living. So I labeled the course as insufficient and not what I was looking for. Finger pointing of course and shoving off responsibility. Since many years I tell myself that I don’t have a big talent for learning languages, like my mom. It’s obvious that I lived this opinion, but I haven’t changed anything about it till so far.

I was told that most villages in Italy have free Italian courses. The town we moved to didn’t have the courses anymore. I started to study my old books again and used dvd’s from a friend, but I didn’t have any real commitment. Than a friend of us, who is also school teacher, was willing to give private lessons twice a week. I did this for about a year, my Italian improved, but still no 100% commitment and I had really high expectations of myself. Of course I didn’t live up to my expectations, so back to blaming myself again. Useless of course and again not a real motivation to direct myself. We moved to another village and I started free lessons at the town hall twice a week. I met a lot of nice people who were in my class, but I didn’t learn anything new and I started to get bored with the lessons. A total lack of responsibility here. It’s me who has to make such an event into something worthwhile for me, I can’t just blame the teacher. The next year I didn’t go and used an excuse to not have to disappoint the teacher. During this year I didn’t do anything with the language except for speaking it in public and getting corrected by my partner P. all the time. I hated it, because he was constantly confronting me with my lack of effort to learn Italian. I started to dislike the language, made stupid comments about it, only to hide my sense of inferiority towards this language. Last September I decided that I couldn’t go on like this anymore, I’m frustrating myself and my surroundings. People do not easily start a conversation with me except for the weather and housekeeping issues. I feel like a four year old when trying to express myself. Till now I wasn’t willing to let my partner P. lecture me. He’s almost a native speaker and likes to teach, SO WHY DON’T YOU WORK WITH WHAT’S HERE? Excuses and excuses. I cannot be taught by my spouse, we probably will get into an argument. BLA BLA BLA. Maybe  he doesn’t want to teach me? All future projections. So I didn’t allow any bullshit anymore and I asked P. if he was willing to teach me. Yes, why not he said. I also asked our American friends A&J to join the lessons, they can also use some language boost. For me it’s perfect to team up with them and at the same time while learning Italian I learn some more English. They liked the idea to do it in a group to feel some more responsibility towards the group to keep the level up and do our homework.

Since A&J are not available for lessons till half November, P. and I decided to start already in October. The first time went pretty well, I did some tests to show P. at what level I’m exactly at. At the end our daughter A. started to interfere and laughed about my mistakes and the sentences in the book that were all wrong on purpose. I realised that my ego was bruised, it was like I had competed with her and lost. I noticed myself to becoming crossed with her. Something she didn’t deserve. I asked her not to be like that. Horrible now I come to think of it. I forbid her to express herself, because my ego was too big. The second time went well till the point that P. said: “Your verbs are lousy, you simply need to learn them”. My mind wanted to shut down and I started yawning. Learning my verbs means putting in effort and full commitment, which I’m clearly not planning to do yet. The third time we postponed it and I deliberately did not think about it that week. The fourth time we simply didn’t do it and this evening I’m writing out my pattern. Next week A&J will join in and I want to be ready without any resistances.

I feel like I can not be trusted if it comes to this point. I let this point disable me to work as an interior designer like I did in Holland. I let it disable me to get a nice job, to build up a social network, to express myself, to do my own translations of my articles, to do video’s in Italian, to be ready for politics or awareness building within society. I disabled myself to be an effective being within the system. How can I promote an Equal Money System here in Italy when I’m not being able to express myself in Italian? I can imagine, Berlusconi asking me all kinds of nasty questions and I’m not able to answer any of it, a big laughing audience to complete the whole scene.

I muscle tested wich underlying emotion was causing my resistance and I tested out for; lowness. Meaning: in a low position, low value, inferiority towards the language. Also the emotion; suppressed tested out. Meaning suppressing these emotions of lowness and expressing this in nonchalance and lack of a 100% commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to see how much was depending on me learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself while knowing that blaming is not a solution in itself. Self direction and self honesty will make me act and move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to finger point at the Dutch course while not taking any responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m the same as my mom and not good at learning languages. Therefore I lived this believe/opinion while it wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change my opinion about me being bad at languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad when it comes to learning languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed about the fact that there was no Italian course within our village.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a 100% commitment when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have high expectations of myself while I never tested those expectations in reality, therefore I was measuring myself according to a idea.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being good enough and not living up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bored with the free Italian lessons and not taking any responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my lack of participation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use an excuse to say no to the free Italian lessons, instead of being transparent and honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being corrected by P. while in fact I was being confronted with my lack of commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dislike the Italian language to hide my feeling of inferiority towards the language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to frustrate myself and my surroundings and put myself in a lower position within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with what is here when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project all kinds of ideas into the future about what could have happend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my ego was bruised while A. made some comments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself for being in  a competition with A. when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be crossed with A. because she was expressing herself and my ego couldn’t handle it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yawn when I’m confronted with the lack of commitment when it comes to learning my verbs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone the lessons because I didn’t feel like doing them due to my resistances. As if my resistances are a valuable excuse to not do the lessons.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be trusted with this language point and therefore disabling myself to be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of lowness and suppressing this emotion of lowness. Wherein the outflow of this all is the lack of commitment and a nonchalant attitude towards learning the language.

I will no longer suppress the emotion of lowness and be inferior to the Italian language, because I realise that I’m sabotaging myself and my effectiveness within society with this behavior. Therefore I breathe an stop and will no longer participate within this pattern.