Sylvia's writing to freedom

Washed away memories 30/10/2011

Thursday the plumber finally came over, after 4 months of begging, to check our antique boiler. This time it had to be checked in time, otherwise the boiler wouldn’t be certified anymore. Our landlord started in June to ask for this simple check up and as it goes in Italy they do not set a date, they simply squeeze you somewhere in their busy program. Within our small village, with approximately 3000 inhabitants, we’ve got 2 plumber family businesses. There isn’t enough work within the village to keep all sons and nephews working, so they look for assignments within new projects in the bigger cities. This means practically for us, in the village, that our requests are mostly not profitable for our plumbers. Which has as a consequence that we’ve got to wait very long for simple proceedings.

We considered asking our landlord to switch plumber and hire a boiler check business, those companies do  nothing else then certifying and checking and repairing boilers. Though when we carefully suggested changing plumbers  our landlord started already resisting. His perspective was that he had been asking them, so they had to do the checking. Even though he’s got a history with our local plumber, it still should be a possibility to switch plumbers, if that’s more practical or needed. If the checking hadn’t been done in time we were also risking a fine and it wasn’t yet clear or spoken out loud by our landlord who had to pay the fine. It was clear that we had to pay for the check up, at least a €100,-, it was clear that the repairs were going to be paid by the landlord. Lucky enough for us the plumber was still in time, yet 4 months to late, so nobody had to pay a fine.

One of the plumber sons came over and checked the boiler, all was fine and we got the certificate. He couldn’t say what the costs were going to be, he asked us to ask his aunt in the office about the price. When he left the cellar, he told my partner P. that all was fine, we didn’t went back into the cellar to check. We went back into the cellar the next morning to switch on the boiler for hot water. Only then P. found a disaster. The plumber had used a power point just behind our 2000 liter water reserve tank and with the unplugging of the plug he must have moved the tubes that were hanging in the tank in order to water the garden. He probably didn’t notice the tube getting loose and he probably didn’t notice the water that must have flushed out of the tube immediately. So for about 13 hours the tank had the ability to empty the major part of the 2000 liter of rain water in our cellar.

In this cellar we have the storage of all the stuff that we did move along with us for so many removals, but they hadn’t  been given a place within the current house. There were approximately 40 filled cardboard boxes, mattresses, folded cardboard boxes, literally all stuff that hadn’t yet been on the list of trowing away and hadn’t been considered useful to have in the house. The cellar looked like a natural disaster, like a water flooding had taken place. The tower of boxes had collapsed, due to the first layer of boxes that absorbed so much water that they had collapsed. Looking at this disaster there was one word written all over it: WORK. We were in for a lot of work.

P. had to work outside the home-office, so that left me in charge of the disaster. I opened the cellar and did put all my power to the task to get these really heavy boxes outside. Heavy because most were containing books, linen, photo-books and  photo’s. While lifting them the water was running out of the corners of the boxes. All that was wet was now placed outside where the humidity was quite high on this autumn morning. Little floods were coming from the boxes and it didn’t look very promising, when considering the disaster inside the boxes. I decided to first let all the water drip out of the boxes and at a later stage opening the boxes and checking the content. I mopped all the water from the floor and left the door and window open for the wind to blow things a bit dry, I didn’t have the whole morning to dedicate to this task.

At the end of the afternoon P. and I were both free to dedicate ourselves to the water disaster again. P. took some more stuff out that had been too heavy for me to handle alone. The floor was almost dry and P. had gone to the waste platform to seek for pallets. This way we could place the boxes back again only now just below the floor to avoid a second distaster. We started repacking the wet boxes into almost dry boxes. We had to decide what to keep and what to trow away. Old school books from the kids we decided to trow away, old maps of various countries and cities we once went to we threw away, a lot of photo’s that weren’t able to be saved we threw away. I came across all my elementary school notebooks and handcraft assignments. Normally I got quite exited and nostalgic with these things, now I saw stuff made by a child and most of it didn’t had a direct memory other then stories of my mom hanging on to it. It was horribly wet and I decided to trow it away, to my surprise it wasn’t a heavy moment to go through. I simply breathed and remained here and asked myself the question if I would remain when these touchable memories were no longer in my possession? The question I asked myself looked even unreal, how could these possessions change who I am?

That evening my daughter A. searched through the photo’s that had survived the disaster. She was asking me various questions about the pictures that were new to her. Me and one of my old boyfriends, me being baptised, holidays of me and holidays of P. from the time we weren’t yet together. Surprisingly I wasn’t sucked into all these memories and I didn’t experience a roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. I used to get a real energy boost from going through old pictures and memories and as I see it now I was desperately confirming myself that I was still alive through pictures instead of being here and enjoying life in every breath.

This whole water disaster was a time loop when I look back at it. When almost 3 years ago we moved into this house we already had the idea of putting pallets on the ground to keep the boxes dry in case of a disaster. It never came further then a plan and now we were confronted with a missed chance. We lacked responsibility towards our and our kids their belongings and were faced with the consequences. The good side that came forth out of all this is the fact that we cleared our passed by letting go of pictures/ballast. We, I, do not survive by holding on to pictures of the past. Memories can serve, to point out what not to repeat again, simply because it didn’t work and it wasn’t in the best interest of all.

 

 

Do you want to deal with your past in an effective way, visit http://www.desteni.co.za

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Being robbed of self-trust 02/05/2011

While having a skype conversation with my parents, they told me that they had been the victims of a robbery. Their trailer which they use to go on holiday had been staying at several trailer workshops to fix issues that were still within the guarantee. I already wrote in another blog that my parents are real Houdini’s when it comes to manifesting whenever they buy something new. So this winter the aftermath of this creating process had to be fixed.

They went to the last workshop where they had left the trailer to pick it up and prepare it for a short holiday break. When they arrived nobody had taken the effort to take the trailer already to the parking area where my dad could hook it to the car. When the workshop owner finally got the trailer from the back of the shop, they discovered that the trailer still had to be cleaned. My parents arrived at 10 am and left  around lunchtime, too much relieved about the fact that they could finally leave, they didn’t check the trailer right away.

The moment they entered the trailer it was a mess inside. My mom immediately missed the quilts and pillows which I made them last year and other stuff that wasn’t theirs was lying in the bathroom. So my mom asked if the shop owner had mixed up things from other owners and if she could have here stuff back. The owner told them that they never moved stuff out of the trailers while being in repair. The trailer had traces of black soot and they found burnt matches everywhere along with my moms tea lights. After inspecting the trailer even more thoroughly they found out that a hatch on the outside was forced and that someone had gone inside the little box and made it’s entrance inside the trailer. The tables had been notched and all closets where searched and messed up. So either a junk or a homeless person had been sleeping in the trailer over the weekend and took the guilts and pillows with him/her after leaving.

While my parents spoke about the whole event and when they told me they had washed/scrubbed everything clean in order to be able to use it again. Meaning they had to wash away the memory and the nasty feelings of the back chat. My parents and I had in that moment the same a specific memory that popped up right away, my grandfather. After a burglary in the house of my grandparents, my grandfather changed mentally. He felt groped and almost assaulted after thieves went into their home while they were asleep. For weeks he spoke about this event of which I can see now that he was possessed with, this feeling of being groped/assaulted. He never spoke about the loss of the possessions/items the thieves had taken away, only about the feelings and emotions. Within little time he developed a tumor in his neck/throat which could be removed successfully, but the feelings/emotions still consumed him. He became a zombie and really sick, then the doctors found out he had lung cancer and within a few months he died. He died because he let himself being robbed of his self-trust, he didn’t feel safe anywhere anymore not even amongst his own family.

I told them, out of my own fear of losing them, that they better not let these feelings consume them just as had happened with my grandfather. It was my mom’s dad and she as well as I are carrying the genetical download of this family, better stop the pattern when it still can. My mom is really introvert, so lets see how this develops. Maybe a nice entrance to show them how to deal with these feelings and at the same time an almost impossible job when I consider that they do not understand that they are their own creator and therefore responsible for all within their life’s.

So when being robbed, it’s not so much the loss of a possession, it’s about the loss of a memory and feelings/emotions that are attached to the memory. I saw this really clear when my mom expressed that she’s really sick about not having the quilts anymore. The quilts that I, her daughter, made. It’s that exact memory, of me making those quilts for her, that turn those quilts as a memory into an entity which my mom now mourns over. Therefore when things are stolen from someone, that being is robbed of his/hers memories which have emotions/feelings attached to it. That feels as if something out of them/part of them is brutally taken away. Next they judge themselves and blame themselves for the fact that they could not protect themselves of being robbed. This results in the feeling that they do not have any self-trust left, it’s taken way. They allowed it to be taken away, they gave away their self direction, the moment they felt groped and assaulted. When one realises that this whole play out is a play out within the mind, an energetic game of moving your waters.

When we stick to what reality is offering us, we see inequality. One person is taking from another who has more than the other. We see someone that is living on the streets, out of mental or drug problems, someone who does not have a roof above his/her head. We see possessions that are no longer there and need to be replaced, which can be done painless within the current system through insurances as long as you belong to the people with money. But all of this is totally unnecessary when all have an equal start in life. Then we do not have to take from others and we do not need the existence of insurances that are feeding of the fear for a possible theft.

Lets rob humanity of fear and we then can finally dedicate our life’s to life instead of following a mind reflection stored in our waters.

Join and check out: http://equalmoney.org

 

OMG they are no longer my friend 14/03/2011

Yesterday while promoting my “Equality message of the week for you” Facebook page amongst my friends I missed a profile picture. As easy as people do friend you on Facebook or You Tube as easy they unfriend you. And when I looked again I saw that I was missing out on 3 persons, my aunt, my uncle and my nephew. It brought a ominous feeling over me, they silently left the room without saying why.

These things are so revealing and again pointing back at me to show me where I’m at in process. My mind started guessing right away. Don’t they like me anymore, are they fed up with my Desteni messages, will they gossip about me within the family are they going to express feelings of concern about me within my family and can I fix this.

The funny thing is that I barely know them anymore, when I think of my aunt and uncle, I think of memories. Our last physical contact was 3 years ago on a birthday party of my dad. My nephew at the funeral of another aunt around 10 years ago. I accidently stumbled upon them on the internet and connected due to the fact that they are family. Whenever other friends unfriend me I do not ask myself all these questions.

When I found my nephew on internet and connected with him on Skype we had a short chat. He asked how I was and I answered. He didn’t say anything about himself so I suggested to exchange e-mail adresses to keep in touch and gave him the url of our family blog with all the stories about immigrating to Italy. He never responded again, till my dad said: “your uncle says that you do not want to connect with your nephew anymore.” I was left in the dark and could not figure out how someone could twist words like that. I told my dad that this was more then a communication error, it was ought. I left it there at that point, I figured it would be useless and no fun when someone isn’t able to normally communicate. I saw that I was holding on to my memories, those I had from him when my 9 years younger nephew and I were quite close and meeting up at family reunions.

It was rejection that I felt with my nephew a few years ago and yesterday it was again rejection I felt when not finding them between my Facebook friends. I see that I’m taking this personal while I have no clue why they left, so it’s my ego at work here. I need to work with what is here and here is my Facebook list missing out on 3 people. Why they left only they know and if I figure that it would make a difference if I knew why I should ask. In fact I’m not even that curious about their motivations, would they tell the truth if I asked or confronted them with their unfriending, I have no idea. I see that my concern is me in a self interested way. I’m asking myself if they are going to make a fuss towards my parents. This fear is based at my recent experience with my brother-in-law who in a possessed way was alarming quite some family about our involvement in Desteni. I say involvement in Desteni, because that’s what people see, they do not see or hear what I’m saying. It feels like being judged on their idea about Desteni, which that may be and if they even really investigate it or rather start screaming stimulated by their own fears. Again assumptions from my part while the fact is still that they left my Facebook account.

Is this changing me deep within my foundations of who I really am? NO. So then I need to stop bothering about it and move on. There is no need to get possessed about such a normal daily happening affect. I friend, people unfriend and I friend others gain. Isn’t that how life goes, moving on?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the act of being unfriended as something personal, instead of seeing that people can only decide upon this due to their own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project fears into my future about my aunt, uncle and nephew who could make a fuss within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach this event through the eyes of previous memories with these family members.

 

The dentist 09/03/2011

After breaking a tooth last Thursday, my partner P. finally got hold on the dentist on Friday. Just for financial reasons I wanted to go to this particular dentist, knowing by experience that he delivers good work for a fair price. The dentist had room for me on Tuesday, so I accepted the appointment and ate 5 days on one side of my mouth to avoid damaging more.

All days while waiting for my appointment, when the dentists was popping up in my mind, I felt calm. Normally, even for a check up, I had a lot of anxiety. Especially while waiting in the waiting room it was almost unbearable. Now while entering the waiting room I was just entering a waiting room. There was nobody in the waiting room except us and one patient inside the surgery room.

I asked P. to come along in case the dentist was going to ask me things I wouldn’t understand or in case I wasn’t able to explain. Also my daughter A. came along, just for the fun, she likes these things.

The patient who was in before us was ready to leave and the dentist said: “give me a second to clean up”, within that moment between thinking I’m going in but I actually wasn’t and the real going in, I felt a little bit of anxiety. This anxiety faded away once I was inside the surgery room and saw his familiar face. It had all to do with trust as I wrote about before.

I told him what happend and I was actually capable of doing so, before he had a look. He wasn’t alarmed about what he saw, he was more surprised to see my old amalgam filling. He explained to me that he was going to drill out the old filling and put some medication inside the hole and close it again with a paste. This was a temporary solution to avoid infection and within 10 days he will take out the paste and fill the hole with white composite filling and restore the piece that broke off.

While he was drilling I didn’t feel any anxiety for the amount of pain he would let me go through. No anxiety of not trusting him. Which made me see how much this trusting is of the mind. I trust people with whom I had good experiences and memories before and do not trust people who I had bad experiences and memories with before. So I was never ever in the moment while being at the dentists. While being in the moment for most of the time I saw that it was just drilling out a filling and through breathing I stayed in the moment and took it for what it was. Quite a new experience.

The first hour it felt as if he had put chewing gum into my tooth, but it hardend very quickly. I was glad I had gone to let it fix and not waited out of saving money till the point that it would have become even worse. I told P. that next time I would go all by myself, it wasn’t hard to find at all. It’s a 20 minute drive to a town in our area. That’s also a point of anxiety for me to drive somewhere new and keeping track of where I am.

I believe that I do not have a sense of direction, this belief is based on all the memories I gathered throughout my life. All those memories have been confirming the previous memories and that’s how I held this anxiety in position. I completely lose it when I see within my mind how to drive and all of a sudden there is this missing part and at the same time I can see how to drive next to the blanco part on my mind map. Or reality is inconsistant with the picture of the map in my mind. I’ll simply freak out and imagine to never come home again. Also this experience is so unnecessary, just slowing down and preparing myself so I know what I’m doing would be enough.

It’s time to deal with the past, slow down and seeing the things for what they are without any energetic attachments.

 

Equality will arrive with or without you 27/02/2011

There are days on which I experience this heaviness, I do not say depression, but it comes close to it when trying to describe it. It’s a feeling of oh my God how did we end up like this, the world is entering this endless state of madness and where am I in all of this. How can we ever get out of this madness? On these days I experience this feeling when  participating within my little physical world and also when I enter cyberspace and participate on the world wide web. So many atrocities that flash by in front of my eyes and at the same time so many deluded and kind of drunk people who had way too much love elixer for the day. Sick that’s what we are, sick into every pore of our existence. This has to stop, we simply have to understand that this way it isn’t going to work out for all of us.

 

Where did it go wrong and where did I go wrong? Where did I accept and allow all this madness, where did I start to participate within this madness? Probably the moment I took my first breath into this reality on earth, its the sins of the fathers that equipped us with this feeling of heaviness. The cycle needs to be broken, the spell of the fathers, we need to start learning from our past. Understanding our past so we know where we went wrong and not falling for the same old mistakes over and over again. By all means no re-creating of our past. It took us a life time to get to the point where we are right now, therefore I cannot expect to undo this all within a breath. Step by step I can deconstruct myself from all the constructs that add up to who I am today and that’s the best I can do.

 

It took me almost 3 years to get to the point of being able to take a parcel from the postman today and be as neutral as possible. I saw the postman pull up his car on the drive way and walk up to my front door with 2 parcels in his hand. I openend the front door and accepted the mailed parcels. It’s my daughter A. her birthday so I looked at the senders name to see who had send it. It were 2 parcels from my in-laws, I noticed my body was making an attempt to get into this habit of being tense and anxious. While seeing what I was about to do I breathed and it went away as quick as it had come. Then my mind tried to backchat about the second hand wrapping paper that was around the biggest packet, but I watched the packet in my hand and it was just a packet, nothing more and nothing less. I called the kids who were upstairs to come down because of the mail.

 

My son J. started to speak in a manner as I used to speak when it concerned my in-laws and it shocked me to hear what came out of his mouth. At the same time I knew that it was me who taught him to speak in this manner by being his living example. I corrected him and told him that it was just a parcel from his grandparents and the fact that they hadn’t been too nice to us before, is just a memory that doesn’t say anything about the received parcel in this moment now, here. I saw that his system had a bit trouble to let go of his feelings of rejection towards his grandparents. I’ve recently been struggling and working on this point and I’m ready to take my responsibility within this family quarrel, my son hasn’t been through this process yet. I can’t blame him, I’m only witnessing the remains of my old self reflected in my son, the sins of the fathers.

 

This is only one moment out of my life where I was able to direct myself by self willed action. It takes a hell lot more actions to clear myself from all the build up bullshit in me and that’s only me. I’m only one dot in the matrix of all the people in this world and they all have to face themselves as I do, ready or not, reality will force itself upon them. Either they die or choose life, so you tell me what it is going to be? I’m correcting and changing myself out of the simple fact that changing the world starts with oneself. I don’t want to have a lot of these days with a heavy and depressed feeling. I will stand and take the bumpy road towards equality, only world equality will get us out of our shitty world. So simply hard work and understanding that no matter what equality will arrive with or without us humans. We see ourselves as these upper creatures, but I’m laughing my fucking ass off when I hear people say this. Who is this retarded that he isn’t seeing that we are the maggots and parasites of this world and not the other way around.

 

 

There is no way back 23/02/2011

Today I realised that there is no way back, because I do not allow and accept myself to participate within a return to the old. The old that obviously didn’t work, otherwise I wouldn’t have been looking for a better or different approach to what I call life.

Since I started studying the Desteni materials and since I started my ‘I’process I have experienced that I can change me. That I as a human can be changed by my own self willed directive actions. Stopping the mind, stopping thoughts, stopping memories, all by just simply not participating within them.

Today in the car while looking at the scenery outside, I was observed the world outside and within that the first thought came up about what I saw. I realised how useless the thought was and I could already see that participating within it would lead me nowhere than only following my inner world’s highway and interconnect to all kinds of different locations which would lead me again to nowhere. So I stopped, I didn’t allow and accept myself to participate within this thought about the scenery. A few minutes later while still watching the scenery outside the car I noticed there was another thought coming up, but still unknown to me. The best way to describe this is waves, the thoughts come like high tide, one wave after the other and only at its highest point it reveals its nature. The thought wasn’t yet on his highest point and I stopped it and it washed away. With this one wave the whole tide washed away and it was so cool. After that thought others tried to pop up, but I didn’t allow them either. So I did it, I stopped the thought before it revealed itself to me in full awareness.

Imagine knowing that I’m capable of stopping myself from participating within the mind, how small this attempt might be, it is the reason to never look back again and follow the straight disciplined path that is before me. I simply have to participate within my process and within this reality. The world is going crazy and I’ve let it come this far, just as every other human on this planet. I do have a voice in sound and in written words so I will use that and take back my own responsibility. When the world gets crazy which in essence means, we get crazy, because we are the reflection that our world exists of. We are the problem and within that also the solution. The only question I need to ask myself is why not use the key while I’m holding it?

There are people out there who do not see the point of releasing oneself from one’s patterns, fears, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Neither do they see the point of releasing it through publicly writing and they can not imagine that, how they see this writing as sitting behind one’s computer, would bring any change in this world. This kind of thinking can only be backed up when one doesn’t see oneself as the problem, the starting point of the current state our world is in. These are the same people who go to church and pray and hope for change while watching reality on tv instead of being real and changing themselves for real.

Our world goes crazy and the riots that take place are getting grimmer every time a new one starts. People are so called fighting for freedom, but instead they are fighting their own fears and hating the very guts of man. They think they are fighting together against the evil and do not see that they are fighting separately within self interest. This very point of self interest will in all ways obstruct the best interest of all and therefore these riots will never lead us to new, stable and sustainable solutions. These riots are as our very own thoughts and will lead us nowhere, only if we stop them, we can see in common sense that we need real collaboration within reality. As long as we keep our thoughts alive, we are living within a delusional make believe world that entails us that freedom without consequences and without taking responsibility is a real solution.

I will keep using my voice and build my house on a rock. No violence is necessary as long as you are able to see that you are a part of the problem and therefore a part of the solution. There is no way back, it’s either going forward in no matter what speed or looping in the same circles over and over again. I won’t go there anymore, I will lift my head and chin up and walk, alone or together. Either you join me or stay trapped within your surreality.

 

Political clown or womanizer? 20/02/2011

Berlusconi, the oldster that directs the country that I live in is a man that represents the polarity of adoration and hatred. The majority of Italians adore him for the life he lives and the power he has and they long for the same kind of life. The minority hates him for destroying the country and the countries name on the world map. I may watch and have a whole lot of opinions, but my vote against him will not be heard as a foreigner living in Italy. I do not hate him nor adore him, I will only speak of what I see.

I see a man that is holding on to the memories of the good life he once had, still wanting to be the casanova of many years ago while his expiration date is since long expired. Buying all and everybody that is venal just to still this fear of losing his power. Fearing to lose his life where he pulls the strings, losing that what he determines as himself. Now life starts consuming him in a rapid way he grabs around him to take that what still reminds him of himself. He will always put himself first, he needs to be occupied with himself, consumed with himself in order to  constantly confirm himself that he’s still alive and not passed away in such a sneaky way that he didn’t notice the fact that he has diminished. What would you do when you were in the shoes of Berlusconi, driven by money, sex and power in order to feel alive? I would hate myself and fear the day that my people, the same people as where I am one of, would expose my fear of losing myself.

So by seeing how Berlusconi became who he is, I see that he isn’t capable of doing good for his country and the Italians in it, he’s incapable of doing good for the Europeans or doing good for the citizens of the world. The US thinks of him as a political clown and he’s aside from his sex scandals with minor girls being exposed on Wikileaks. He offended his European colleagues many times and is not really beloved around the globe. Although the man’s image is damaged nationally and internationally, he still thinks that he can be in office till the next elections in 2013. The majority of Italians that do belief the information they get from Berlusconi’s tv channels, newspapers and magazines keep on voting for him in parlement. In other words, we keep on going with this misery, only based on an image we have of somebody else and the image this person has of himself.

If we were only able to see why we think that we know a person by only knowing a few things about him, this world would not be the same as today. Whenever we are introduced to a new person we scan them in a few seconds and have a complete opinion and picture about this person. My picture of Berlusconi is coloured through my own memories and experiences. To me someone in his seventies isn’t the person that will lift up a country and isn’t still capable of being more then the sum of his memories. To me a person that needs validation from outside sources such as money, sex and power to be someone isn’t your man to rule the country. To me he’s a zombie who is ruling over zombies, which makes me a zombie too. So Berlusconi represents to me a nasty picture that I do not like, which makes every mistake he makes into a big misstep to me. If my picture of him was quite positive, a few mistakes wouldn’t have bothered me so much and I would give him a next chance.

We think we know each other while we not even know ourselves. Although I know 1 thing when I or someone else doesn’t pass the equality equation and isn’t acting in the best interest of all, over and over again, then such a person needs to be removed from the position he/she is in. Due to not knowing ourselves and all the others around us is disturbing enough in itself, but we may not let that cause situations of inequality. Several groups have gone protesting in the streets of Italy, making noise with pots and pans, but it will not change anything as long as we do not understand why our world is our world the way it is. Italy could be a potential candidate for riots, we already had some, but non as severe as Egypt and Tunisia. We are a 1st world country where a lot of people live in poverty and a minor group like our Berlusconi live in paradise or should I say: their home made hell.